We made our bed with ILs and now we really have to lay in it.

[mampam]

There is such a long backstory to this but I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have been with DH for almost 10 years. Right from the very beginning it was crystal clear that the ILs did not like me, the only reason I could fathom was that I have 2 DC from a previous marriage. DH and I also have 2DC together.

Years ago IL's bought a large house that was separated into 2 dwellings, the lived in one we lived in the other. It did not work as they were absolutely vile to me and it got so unbearable (ending with FIL aggressively shouting at me and calling me names) that I started to look for somewhere else for myself and DC to live when they backed Dh (we weren't married then) into a corner and made him choose between them and me. He chose me.

We moved house and shortly after were married. IL's came to the wedding but caused a horrible atmosphere, FIL would barely stand near me to have a photo taken, MIL would turn on her heels if I went near her and neither of them spoke to me the whole day. All our wedding guests noticed, it was awful.

IL's refused to apologise for any of their behaviour so DH went NC with them for about 2.5 years afterwards during which time DH had a breakdown.
When I became pregnant with our 1st DC together the ILs got in touch and I persuaded DH to give them a second chance (more fool me) and they came to see the baby when she was 2 weeks old.
For a while we built up a good relationship with them (or so we thought) and whilst they never apologised for their behaviour, we put it behind us and they seemed to have changed. So much so we went on holiday with them and ILs helped DH to build his business up. All seemed fine for a couple of years and then they asked us if we would like to move back to our old house and would pay to have an extension built.
It took DH and I 3 months to reach the decision to move back (I know, I know we should have said no).

We have now lived next door to them again for just short of 2 years and things have got progressively worse ending with a row between MIL and myself last week.
I truly think they were putting on an act to lure us back to living next door to them as they seemed to change almost immediately. FIL is controlling and everything has to be his way or the highway. He treats DH as if he is stupid and a little child. In fact he treats everyone as if they are stupid and thinks he is the authority on everything. He even tells DH what load up for his days work as if he is in charge and an expert on what DH does for a living.
If ever they have had to arrange for a tradesman to come to our house for whatever reason he just walks into our house without knocking or even shouting to let us know that he's showing the tradesman around.
They grow plants up the front of our house and won't let us tend to them or to our front patch of grass.
They kindly gave DH a hand at getting his business off the ground, bought machinery to push DH's business in the direction that FIL wanted it to go in but it belongs to them, DH is allowed to use it and now FIL is slowly selling it off.
FIL once detached our hose from the outside tap as we may not remember to turn the tap off.
We weren't allowed to have underfloor heating in our extension as FIL felt we would forget to switch it off.
Last year when I was pregnant and suffering with severe Hyperemesis and was rendered pretty useless not once did ILs help DH. He was working, looking after 4 children, mopping up my sick, cooking, cleaning, washing, doing the shopping and working on the extension. Twice he asked MIL to fetch DD from pre-school and both times he was met with "oh alright then" with a lot of eye rolling and she made it clear she was severely put out.
At every opportunity MIL will come out with snide comments aimed at me.
She comes to the house when DH isn't here to make me feel guilty about how much they spent on the extension, pleads poverty, makes out like they are really poor when in reality they are both in their 50's, FIL is retired and MIL has a part time job.
DH's cousin came to stay with us at Easter and whilst he was here MIL told him that they only tolerate me as they know DH will choose me over them. That I don't do anything, DH does everything and has an unfair workload. I wear the trousers in our house.
They never babysit.
They never offer to help us with anything.
They criticise at every opportunity.
They can see we are run ragged, especially Dh yet still nag him and get him to do things that FIL has all the time in the world to do but won't.

We rent this house from the ILs, we have a tenancy agreement yet they seem to know no boundaries. They don't seem to have any sense of what will really piss people off or not.........or maybe they do I'm not sure.

The row between MIL and myself started because the previous day DH had asked FIL if he could nip him over to the local village about 1/2 mile away in his van to pick up a sofa bed that we were buying from someone. FIL agreed but early afternoon he asked DH if he wanted to just borrow the van to go and get it himself so he could "have a drink". DH said no as he is not insured to drive it and we had a car written off 2 months ago in an accident so he is very wary.
FIL took DH to fetch the sofa but DH said that FIL had already been drinking.
At 10.15pm that night our home phone rang. We didn't get to it in time but there was a message from FIL telling us that our shower in our upstairs bathroom had been leaking again. We were quite annoyed at him for calling so late as he woke our 8 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well as it is and frightened the life out of us as my 12 year old DS was away with school at the time and I assumed that if someone was calling that late it must be someone from the school calling to say something was up with DS.

The following morning DH took DD out to wait for the school bus and when he came back in he was absolutely livid. MIL had been waiting for him and launched straight into "can you fix that shower today?", DH snapped "YES!" at her. On the way back from the bus stop FIL hung out of his bedroom window and shouted to DH "Oi, what's your problem?.....You don't speak to your mother like that......" and had basically had a real go at him. DH had been so annoyed at his mother because of the way she collared him when he was in a rush to get to the bus stop and then get to work and that she just launched straight into it without even a hello or sorry for calling so late last night. This sort of thing is a regular occurrence either before or when he has just come home from work, collaring him and nagging about something. To be honest we are both absolutely shattered and this was just the final straw in a long list of things.

I saw MIL as I was getting in the car to go to work a little later so I said to her "Can you tell FIL never to call us at that time again as it's not on and he woke the baby up". She was immediately on the defensive and her reply was "well we had water pissing down our stairs", I then repeated what she had said "water pissing down your stairs?", her reply to that "well somebody was in the fucking shower". So that was it I just let rip. I said I would not have FIL speaking to DH like he was a piece of shit off his shoe, that I was fed up with them nagging and stressing DH out all the time. Oh we had a proper row and yes there was definitely some effing and jeffing from me too, I think almost 10 years of pent up emotion came out as I have never said a word before and have just kept my mouth shut. MIL told me to piss off I don't know how many times.

When I got home from work a couple of hours later DH called to say he'd had an answer phone message left on his mobile from FIL saying that "your missus has just had a bender at MIL, effing and blinding, I'm not having it and I'm not living like this"

Whilst I was on the phone to DH I was in our (downstairs) bedroom sat on our bed looking out of the window. FIL was strimming, saw me so walked right over to our window and started strimming right outside!! The following day MIL parked her wheelbarrow right on the drive making it difficult for me to reverse. At the weekend FIL must have used every power tool he owns (he does own quite a lot) right outside our garden gate. FIL has also been parking his van right up against one of our downstairs windows instead of where he normally parks. Usually we don't hear them (unless FIL is drunk and we can hear his music over our TV) but we are now hearing doors slamming all the time.
Yesterday DH was left another answerphone message summoning him to their house that afternoon to talk, DH didn't go.

There is no going back from this I know. I want nothing to do with them, I'm done trying, sweeping things they do and snide comments under the carpet. I want to be left alone, I have no fight left. I basically have to put up and shut up. I am miserable.

DH is miserable too, he feels powerless against his parents. I know they won't listen.

Thank you for reading if you have got this far. I don't think I am looking for replies really as we have made our bed and we must lie in it although it feels good to get things off my chest. We have no money to move house.
We are stuck.

If you feel like giving me a sympathy pat on the back I could really do with it right now.

[Looseleaf]

I'm in the minority here but feel a bit sorry for the in laws! Why would they babysit unless they want to? They are your children. I never ask my parents or in laws unless an emergency appointment or something and knowing they never mind.
Also they are doing a huge thing for you and from their side might they be resentful because they expect at least a strong gesture of helping when they need it too?

Sorry if I'm on the wrong track but this was the way I see it.

[OverwhelmingEvidence]

What a horrible, horrible situation.
Your strength is your unity with DH. Put all your effort into supporting him and finding a way out - this isn't your life forever.
I agree about speaking to the Council/Housing officer/citizen's advice.

[Corygal]

You know you've got to move. And not come back.

Here's the rub - your IL are doing a hell of a lot, far more than most families do, to support you, your DP and your 4 children. A house, help with the business, expensive machinery, babysitting, you name it.

Regardless of the emotions involved - nutshell: you despise each other - you and DP are going to have to tackle living independently and learn to support yourselves and the DC. Get help - go to the council and see what they say and ask CAB if there are any local schemes that help large families.

But start with an attitude shift: now is the time to learn independence for yourself and take responsibility for financial support/housing for your children. It will pay off - you'll have a much better life.

[eminthebigsmoke]

What kind of people lure their son and daughter-in-law back to live with them with the intention of splitting them up. Get out of there pronto and leave them to rue their stupid choice to push their only child away.

[AcrossthePond55]

I'd say let them evict you, but I have a feeling that if DH says 'then we all go' they'll back off 'for the sake of the children'. Their object is to get YOU out and then take 'control' of DH and their grandchildren.

Mam, this situation is not healthy (mentally) for you or for your DH. Nor is it healthy for your children to be subjected to shouting matches between you/DH and your in-laws. As hard as it may be, you really do have to leave. DH may have to give up his business and take a job. Perhaps you'll have to take a job. The DC may have to share bedrooms. But whatever it takes you must get out of there.

[Clutterbugsmum]

First sit down with your DH and work out a plan of where your both want to be in say by christmas.

Talk to shelter/CAB about what rights you have to the house you rent. Do you have a proper rental agreement with them.

[FantasticButtocks]

they wanted us to live next door to them so tough, they will just have to put up with me But it's you having to put up with them that is the concern here.

he just walks into our house without knocking No respect at all. Do the people who are sympathising with the in-laws think that doing this is acceptable? I don't.

they seem to know no boundaries. Here, OP, you have hit the nail on the head. While you are planning the great escape thinking about how to deal with this situation, buy yourself this book and start setting some boundaries to protect yourself and DH. This book is really helpful (I read it twice in a row cover to cover) and it will tell you how to do this.

You are adults. People can not just walk into your house without your permission.

[Cabrinha]

If there genuinely was a leak, and it sounds like there was as your husband fixed it, then I don't think calling at 22:15 is a problem at all!
And so what if it woke the baby? Shit happens.
And as for "they should fix it as landlords" I suspect if they had, then you would have complained that you weren't trusted to do it, and have had them traipsing into your house to do it.
(my ex boyfriend rents from his parents, pays market rent, does his own repairs - it's family, it's how they work it)
In fact, if you can't afford to move out, that sounds like you pay less than market rent - so nit unreasonable to do your own grouting.

They sound like a bloody nightmare, don't get me wrong.

But I suspect you hate them so much there's a bit of unreasonableness on your part too.

You obviously do need to get out of there. You rented elsewhere before. What's stoping you now? Don't be defeatist, work it out.

And change the locks. If they evict you, it may help, as others have said.

But you have to accept that they are going to continue their attempts to control whilst accept their ammunition, like buying things for your husband's business.

[DeckSwabber]

When they told you that your shower was leaking (again), did you check it out? How bad was it?

[RooibosTeaAgain]

If you pay them rent then you can use that money to rent anywhere. Or are they giving you cheap rent not at market rate? If so they see they have a hold over you and know you cannot move.

Personally I would rent even a 2 bed and sleep on the sofa bed in the lounge and put 2 kids in each bedroom to get out of there.

are you claiming all benefits and tax credits you can get? Is housing benefit an option if you have insufficient money to rent? All worth exploring.

[pocketsaviour]

Call their bluff and let them evict you. The council will house you and yes it'll be shitty housing, but rather damp walls and pee stained toilets than the horror of being controlled by this pair of abusers.

If that doesn't work (i.e. as a PP mentioned they suddenly have a "change of heart") get your DH to seek employment so you will have an adequate credit rating to get out and into private rented. I know it sucks but let's be honest, he already doesn't have the machinery he thought he owned - what's going to be next? He can start the business again once you're more settled, maybe when the kids are all in school, making it more practical for you to work as well.

These people are vampires. If you don't get away, they will suck the life out of all of you.

By the way, it's illegal for a landlord to enter a tenant's property without prior permission. So the coming in without knocking is him breaking the law.

[paulapompom]

Bloody Hell ok, they sound vile. Sounds like apart from all the (many many many) other issues, they want to be landlords when it suits and family when that suits.

No landlord would ask their tenant to repair a shower/regrout and wander in without prior notice and agreement
That would seem intrusive to anyone but with these cunts - unbearable!

Please look for any other place you can live, shared ownership, housing association, speak to Shelter, CAB, MIND, local authority, do what you can to escape,. Maybe when you're away you might be able to have some contact (although I doubt it cos they're cunts).

My flower icon isn't working but I send them, and cake, wine, tea the lot, you deserve it xx

[mampam]

It is all just totally messed up.

DH went around to their house earlier and they had a blazing row. He said his mother was practically screaming at him and trying to shove him out the door and was telling him to "fuck off".

DH said that he somewhat feels like a weight has been lifted as he got a lot of stuff off his chest. He's knows it won't make any difference but he feels better for it.

We have always been grateful for his parents giving us the opportunities that they have and realise that we are luckier than most.

[Cabrinha]

Not seeing the luckier bit.

Lucky is having parents that don't yes money to control and then scream at you to fuck off

Time to stop acting like you're the children though, and run your own lives.

[mampam]

Yes we do run our own lives. I get blamed every time DH tries to show his parents this, that he won't be controlled. Like he cannot think and make decisions for himself, like I'm pulling all his strings. This winds me up the most as it is so derogatory to DH. His parents really don't know him at all if they truly believe this.

We do need to make a plan, deep down DH knows this but I think he needs to sleep on it.

[AcrossthePond55]

Thing is, most parents want to help their kids in any way they can. That's what we're here for!

I'd gladly rent to my son & DiL (IF I had rental property, that is!). But I certainly wouldn't assume I could walk in to their home any old time just because it's technically 'my property'! Now, I admit, I may expect him to do basic DIY, but then again I can't see charging them fair market value unless I had to, either, so I guess that would balance out.

And of course, I'd want to help if I could to get one of my children 'off the ground' with a business. But it would either be a bona fide loan, or a 'stringless' gift.

Your iLs seem unable to do anything for your family without major strings attached or feeling that you are 'beholden' to them. And I truly believe that their bottom line motive is to bind your DH to them, and exclude (and hopefully eliminate) you!

You have GOT to get out of there!

[chairmeoh]

They sound horrendous. However you manage it, you need to move. Your family's health is not worth the Agro to stay.

Are you paying market rent? If you are, then surely you can use that to find another place? although I realise you'll also need to find a deposit.

If you're paying a reduced rent then it may be difficult finding a suitable property.

I presume your DH's business is also based at the home.

[CrapBag]

Let them evict you. I have a feeling they won't. For some perverse reason they want you there so they can make your lives hell. They sound awful. You shouldn't have to put up with it just because you chose to go back.

Live on bread and water and layers instead of heating. Get some money saved and get out of there. You can't live like this and neither can your poor children!

[AcrossthePond55]

I meant to add;

Ofttimes, the put-upon person (DH) begins to resent (wrongly) the person being 'excluded' or targeted (YOU!). They get so tired of getting grief, in this case from his parents, that he begins to think or say "Well, if you wouldn't do/say X then they'd leave us/me alone. Can't you just put up with X or do Y so they'll shut up?". It can lead to marital strife and end in divorce. It's very subtle, this strategy, but don't put it past his parents to be doing this specifically to get DH angry at you and thus to break you up.

Nothing you do will stop it if their aim is to separate you. For the sake of your marriage, you two must get out of that house!

[Hellion7433]

Unplugging the hose is fine. FIL leaving a message on your answer phone is fine too, you just need to turn the volume down so it doesn't disturb babies. Other then this their behaviour is dreadful.

Can DH tell FIL that you would move if you could be you haven't got any cash.

One option is that they chuck you out and you present yourself to the council as homeless. However if you have signed a contact, they would possibly be in great trouble

[mampam]

We have a 6 months at a time tenancy agreement which runs out at the end of September at which point we will have lived here for 2 years.

We pay less than the market value for our house, which was the same as the rent that we paid for our previous house. We lived there for 5 years, looked after the house well and had lovely landlords who never once put up the rent. Unfortunately 7 years on from when we started renting our previous home, rentals have risen significantly and we would be paying a lot more for something half the size, almost twice the amount we pay now.

I think we could scrimp and scrape the money together for a deposit on another place but it will take a lot longer than 2 months and I'm not sure we could afford the rent. Being evicted and getting the council to rehome us would probably be our best option.

I've just remembered a great example of the shit that I have to put up with from MIL when DH isn't around.
A few weeks ago she came over to see the baby, took a look at him and said "you need your ears pinning back I've decided". In fact she is always on about his appearance, his ears, how she hopes he will "grow into them", how chubby he is, how small his feet are in comparison to how chubby he is, how loud he is and the list goes on. The poor little boy can't do anything right and he's only 8 months old.

Why have I put up with this for so long?

[mampam]

Just to clarify and I know I may be bias but the baby does not have big ears.

[Bogeyface]

I cant help with the situation as is, you have had good advice from others, but I want you to know I understand the "its not him, its her!".

My MIL totally refuses to accept that H has a mind of his own and when he tells her that she is BU, it is HIS opinion. Of course it cant be! Its must be that bitch he married....me! I think its because she thinks she is in charge of him and therefore when he doesnt cave it cant be that he doesnt want to, it must be because I am making him do it therefore I am a direct challenge to her "authority".

It sounds like that is the issue with your FIL especially but your MIL too. They are in charge, they havent cut the apron strings, he is their son and will therefore do as he is told. The fact that he wont doesnt compute to them, parents=incharge child=under the thumb. So the only explaination is you challenging their authority and taking over their rule of him.

I found that the only way to deal with it was to play along. I dont deny the accusations, I go along with it. If she sees me as a rival then let her, the fact that H and I are united in the face of her accusations means that I always win and am now, in her eyes, "in charge". Funnily enough, she has backed down a lot and darent upset me for fear of what she will lose!

It took 7 very very long years of closed doors, refusal to engage and ignored phone calls (oh and dont get me started on the passive aggresive Xmas and birthday cards to H and DD!) but she actually seems a bit scared of me now.

[paulapompom]

What sort of gm talks like this about her little grandson? OP even if he had big ears small feet/whatever why is she focusing on that ffs? Clearly to be unkind. Sometimes old sayings fit "if you can't say anything nice then shut the fuck up" (I've paraphrased).

She sounds jealous to the point of insanity, has to rubbish everyone and everything to make herself seem superior.

Do you have friends you could stay with if things got really desperate? Even just for a break away from all this. X

[mampam]

Thank you bogey you have hit the nail on the head. They think they are in charge of DH and can't bear the thought that I am. The reality that DH is his own person, an adult, has his own mind and makes his own decisions is totally inconceivable to them.

It obviously means nothing that I love their son so much, surely that is the biggest thing we have in common and a great starting point?

We don't have anyone we could stay with as there is 6 of us and no one we know has the room! Some very kind friends of ours have suggested we join them for a weekend when they go on holiday to Cornwall.