We made our bed with ILs and now we really have to lay in it.

[mampam]

There is such a long backstory to this but I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have been with DH for almost 10 years. Right from the very beginning it was crystal clear that the ILs did not like me, the only reason I could fathom was that I have 2 DC from a previous marriage. DH and I also have 2DC together.

Years ago IL's bought a large house that was separated into 2 dwellings, the lived in one we lived in the other. It did not work as they were absolutely vile to me and it got so unbearable (ending with FIL aggressively shouting at me and calling me names) that I started to look for somewhere else for myself and DC to live when they backed Dh (we weren't married then) into a corner and made him choose between them and me. He chose me.

We moved house and shortly after were married. IL's came to the wedding but caused a horrible atmosphere, FIL would barely stand near me to have a photo taken, MIL would turn on her heels if I went near her and neither of them spoke to me the whole day. All our wedding guests noticed, it was awful.

IL's refused to apologise for any of their behaviour so DH went NC with them for about 2.5 years afterwards during which time DH had a breakdown.
When I became pregnant with our 1st DC together the ILs got in touch and I persuaded DH to give them a second chance (more fool me) and they came to see the baby when she was 2 weeks old.
For a while we built up a good relationship with them (or so we thought) and whilst they never apologised for their behaviour, we put it behind us and they seemed to have changed. So much so we went on holiday with them and ILs helped DH to build his business up. All seemed fine for a couple of years and then they asked us if we would like to move back to our old house and would pay to have an extension built.
It took DH and I 3 months to reach the decision to move back (I know, I know we should have said no).

We have now lived next door to them again for just short of 2 years and things have got progressively worse ending with a row between MIL and myself last week.
I truly think they were putting on an act to lure us back to living next door to them as they seemed to change almost immediately. FIL is controlling and everything has to be his way or the highway. He treats DH as if he is stupid and a little child. In fact he treats everyone as if they are stupid and thinks he is the authority on everything. He even tells DH what load up for his days work as if he is in charge and an expert on what DH does for a living.
If ever they have had to arrange for a tradesman to come to our house for whatever reason he just walks into our house without knocking or even shouting to let us know that he's showing the tradesman around.
They grow plants up the front of our house and won't let us tend to them or to our front patch of grass.
They kindly gave DH a hand at getting his business off the ground, bought machinery to push DH's business in the direction that FIL wanted it to go in but it belongs to them, DH is allowed to use it and now FIL is slowly selling it off.
FIL once detached our hose from the outside tap as we may not remember to turn the tap off.
We weren't allowed to have underfloor heating in our extension as FIL felt we would forget to switch it off.
Last year when I was pregnant and suffering with severe Hyperemesis and was rendered pretty useless not once did ILs help DH. He was working, looking after 4 children, mopping up my sick, cooking, cleaning, washing, doing the shopping and working on the extension. Twice he asked MIL to fetch DD from pre-school and both times he was met with "oh alright then" with a lot of eye rolling and she made it clear she was severely put out.
At every opportunity MIL will come out with snide comments aimed at me.
She comes to the house when DH isn't here to make me feel guilty about how much they spent on the extension, pleads poverty, makes out like they are really poor when in reality they are both in their 50's, FIL is retired and MIL has a part time job.
DH's cousin came to stay with us at Easter and whilst he was here MIL told him that they only tolerate me as they know DH will choose me over them. That I don't do anything, DH does everything and has an unfair workload. I wear the trousers in our house.
They never babysit.
They never offer to help us with anything.
They criticise at every opportunity.
They can see we are run ragged, especially Dh yet still nag him and get him to do things that FIL has all the time in the world to do but won't.

We rent this house from the ILs, we have a tenancy agreement yet they seem to know no boundaries. They don't seem to have any sense of what will really piss people off or not.........or maybe they do I'm not sure.

The row between MIL and myself started because the previous day DH had asked FIL if he could nip him over to the local village about 1/2 mile away in his van to pick up a sofa bed that we were buying from someone. FIL agreed but early afternoon he asked DH if he wanted to just borrow the van to go and get it himself so he could "have a drink". DH said no as he is not insured to drive it and we had a car written off 2 months ago in an accident so he is very wary.
FIL took DH to fetch the sofa but DH said that FIL had already been drinking.
At 10.15pm that night our home phone rang. We didn't get to it in time but there was a message from FIL telling us that our shower in our upstairs bathroom had been leaking again. We were quite annoyed at him for calling so late as he woke our 8 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well as it is and frightened the life out of us as my 12 year old DS was away with school at the time and I assumed that if someone was calling that late it must be someone from the school calling to say something was up with DS.

The following morning DH took DD out to wait for the school bus and when he came back in he was absolutely livid. MIL had been waiting for him and launched straight into "can you fix that shower today?", DH snapped "YES!" at her. On the way back from the bus stop FIL hung out of his bedroom window and shouted to DH "Oi, what's your problem?.....You don't speak to your mother like that......" and had basically had a real go at him. DH had been so annoyed at his mother because of the way she collared him when he was in a rush to get to the bus stop and then get to work and that she just launched straight into it without even a hello or sorry for calling so late last night. This sort of thing is a regular occurrence either before or when he has just come home from work, collaring him and nagging about something. To be honest we are both absolutely shattered and this was just the final straw in a long list of things.

I saw MIL as I was getting in the car to go to work a little later so I said to her "Can you tell FIL never to call us at that time again as it's not on and he woke the baby up". She was immediately on the defensive and her reply was "well we had water pissing down our stairs", I then repeated what she had said "water pissing down your stairs?", her reply to that "well somebody was in the fucking shower". So that was it I just let rip. I said I would not have FIL speaking to DH like he was a piece of shit off his shoe, that I was fed up with them nagging and stressing DH out all the time. Oh we had a proper row and yes there was definitely some effing and jeffing from me too, I think almost 10 years of pent up emotion came out as I have never said a word before and have just kept my mouth shut. MIL told me to piss off I don't know how many times.

When I got home from work a couple of hours later DH called to say he'd had an answer phone message left on his mobile from FIL saying that "your missus has just had a bender at MIL, effing and blinding, I'm not having it and I'm not living like this"

Whilst I was on the phone to DH I was in our (downstairs) bedroom sat on our bed looking out of the window. FIL was strimming, saw me so walked right over to our window and started strimming right outside!! The following day MIL parked her wheelbarrow right on the drive making it difficult for me to reverse. At the weekend FIL must have used every power tool he owns (he does own quite a lot) right outside our garden gate. FIL has also been parking his van right up against one of our downstairs windows instead of where he normally parks. Usually we don't hear them (unless FIL is drunk and we can hear his music over our TV) but we are now hearing doors slamming all the time.
Yesterday DH was left another answerphone message summoning him to their house that afternoon to talk, DH didn't go.

There is no going back from this I know. I want nothing to do with them, I'm done trying, sweeping things they do and snide comments under the carpet. I want to be left alone, I have no fight left. I basically have to put up and shut up. I am miserable.

DH is miserable too, he feels powerless against his parents. I know they won't listen.

Thank you for reading if you have got this far. I don't think I am looking for replies really as we have made our bed and we must lie in it although it feels good to get things off my chest. We have no money to move house.
We are stuck.

If you feel like giving me a sympathy pat on the back I could really do with it right now.

[annettec01]

Can you add extra lock to door so they can't access your house when you are not in?

[titchy]

Stop being a victim both of you - DO something about the situation.

[AcrossthePond55]

Another thing to consider is his reputation. He takes a job, promises the work will be done by XXX date. Then he later has to call and say he can't do the work as promised. Is he really going to want to say 'my parents won't let me use the equipment'? If this happens too often, he'll not only lose the business, he'll gain a reputation of being unreliable. With a reputation of being unreliable, is he going to find employment in the area?

[Oliversmumsarmy]

If your dh is going to lose business because of their actions, could you not cut your losses and start again miles away in a cheaper part of the country or even abroad. I don't know how these things work but is there some way you could get a business loan/ government start up or existing business scheme type grant to buy the equipment he needs?

[FrancesNiadova]

Mampam no, it's not you, it's any woman who became their son's wife. My MIL said to me, "You're taking my son away from me, you are."
It took me years to work out that it not me , it's any woman who dared get between her & her son. She doesn't think that her son proposed to me & decided that he will do the job that he does away from her & that we will live where we now live away from her. In one of her poison pen letters, she actually did write that she though I'd put a spell on him &,that he was the only one out of her small circle of flying monkeys that couldn't see it! Really!
So no, Mampam, it wouldn't matter who you are, what you do, what you look like, or anything. You have taken their baby off them, turned him into a man & made him into a husband & father who, frighteningly, might not need them.
Get away from their toxic influence as soon as you can. They'll poison your marriage.
(DH insisted we move 120 miles away. We've been married 20 years in August )

[AyeAmarok]

OP you need to move. You can't have your cake and eat it.

You are happy to let your PIL fund a life you can't afford. Unfortunately they are the sort of people who think this means that they have a right to dictate and control you.

You need to move. And stand on your own two feet. If that means a smaller house then that's what you do.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

As far as I can see the "lifestyle" that the ops ILs are affording her and her dh is they rent her a house at below market rent but then walk in whenever they wish to and expect Mampams dh to repair anything that goes wrong immediately. (This type of lease would not be attracting full market rent and so in that view might not be the bargain that it looks.)

The ILs have bought dh all the equipment Mams dh needs for his business but then sell it off and dh is not able to freely use it.

A case of giving with one hand and taking away with the other and causing a load of grief in-between.

[Cabrinha]

I think it's reasonable enough to have changed their mind about you building a house on their land, in case you divorced and sold up and they got different neighbours.
Disappointing for you - but reasonable.

Most of the rest is batshit crazy.

How can you not get your own post delivered? It sounds like a proper house, with a fence between gardens. Go and speak to the post office.

You really do have to move.

A much smaller happy home is better than a big shit one that's going to lead your husband to a nervous breakdown, and possibly you too.

If your husband has his own business, and it's sounds like you're a SAHM (you mention being in with your child) then you might have a chance to be quite flexible with moving.

They're utter bastards, making him beg for the business equipment. But you need to get out of the bed with the devil.

Smaller house is surely worth it?

[Cabrinha]

It does sound like FIL was right about you not affording a mortgage - you can't just get one for building a house, as there's nothing at that point to secure the loan against. Presumably you wouldn't have had the cash for a deposit, if you've had to rely on them for business machinery.

Thank your lucky stars though! Can you imagine the hell if you DID own next to them?!!!

This way you can just walk. ASAP!

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

Why can't you afford to move out?
Does the business not pay a living wage? If it doesn't, get dh to get a better paid job, or a second job.
Do your ILs charge market rate for the house?
Why can't you get the money together and just move? Not being snarky, genuine qu

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

If I was in this situation, I'd beg and borrow from people, get a loan, sell stuff I could live without, go to the council. I'd do anything I possibly could to escape that hell.

[Lucy61]

I might be in the minority here but I think you've been reliant on help from them for too long - helping dh with his business, lifts in the van, a house to live in, paying for an extension

Time your family stood on its own two feet and then in laws can see that their son has grown up.

[hilbobaggins]

It's a difficult situation BUT you need to devote your creative energy to finding ways out of this situation. You and your DH can do this. You are not stuck. What do you think of the suggestions you've received so far?

[Iggi999]

Another million posts saying you need to move - will you be taking any steps toward this OP? Even mentally, getting your exit planned would have such an impact!

[mampam]

Yes we are making plans but DH and I cannot just click our fingers and make it happen overnight.

[AyeAmarok]

You could if you really wanted to.

You absolutely could by September.

It would just involve some sacrifice of things that are nice to have, which were never yours to begin with, that you don't want to give up.

Again, cake and eat it.

[Hellion7433]

Can you sell things to get a deposit together? Sell on FB or gum tree or ebay? Declutter majorly, keep only bare essential.

[mampam]

Thank you to those of you who have been offering useful advice. I went from yesterday thinking that we were stuck in an impossible situation for the foreseeable future to today getting some practical advice from a friend in the know, sitting down with DH to work out a plan etc.

Our friend has helped us to realise that FIL only owns 1 piece of larger machinery that DH uses on a regular basis, the rest DH can do without for now. All the smaller equipment that DH uses on a day to day basis belongs to DH.
We are going to look at business loans and I am going to look at whether or not DH is eligible for a business grant. I have no clue how they work so need to research.

DH and I are going to start selling off anything and everything that is not essential and start scrimping and scraping together for a deposit to rent somewhere else.

[mampam]

Sorry Hellion x posts

[LIZS]

What I meant by looking for issues is that while your suspicions about post etc may be valid , it isn't helpful to allow yourselves to be distracted. The key issue is that the situation of living next door , being financially and practically linked, isn't working now if it ever did. Focus on your escape. If you can't manage it by September you don't need to sign another lease , just allow it to roll on. If they want you out ask for a section 21 notice now (2 months's notice) to enable you to go to council/ha. Some councils have deposit guarantee schemes if you do not have funds upfront for a private let. Investigate what is available now.

[Hellion7433]

Declutter right back so you only gave essentials left. Sell all decluttered items on face book or gum tree or ebay or nct sales.

Move to a cheaper area a few hours away.

It's perfectly acceptable for FIL not to want to give you land. You need to stand on your own two feet.

[Hellion7433]

Sorry just seen your last post. Wanted to say that we have made £800 recently through decluttering and selling our clutter. It broke down as follows. Garden gate £40/car wheel trims £25/kids clothes £50/two large items of furniture £150/toys £100/bike£20/spare telly£30/push chair&highchair&slings £100 ish/car for scrap £150 and so on.

[Hellion7433]

I would rather live in a caravan in the middle of a field, then live next to your IL's

[Hellion7433]

Which part of the country are you in OP?

[Hellion7433]

Also stop ordering stuff. You can pick most things up second hand via nct sales, car boots, charity shops, gum tree. You can save yourself a fortune if you are very careful