We made our bed with ILs and now we really have to lay in it.

[mampam]

There is such a long backstory to this but I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have been with DH for almost 10 years. Right from the very beginning it was crystal clear that the ILs did not like me, the only reason I could fathom was that I have 2 DC from a previous marriage. DH and I also have 2DC together.

Years ago IL's bought a large house that was separated into 2 dwellings, the lived in one we lived in the other. It did not work as they were absolutely vile to me and it got so unbearable (ending with FIL aggressively shouting at me and calling me names) that I started to look for somewhere else for myself and DC to live when they backed Dh (we weren't married then) into a corner and made him choose between them and me. He chose me.

We moved house and shortly after were married. IL's came to the wedding but caused a horrible atmosphere, FIL would barely stand near me to have a photo taken, MIL would turn on her heels if I went near her and neither of them spoke to me the whole day. All our wedding guests noticed, it was awful.

IL's refused to apologise for any of their behaviour so DH went NC with them for about 2.5 years afterwards during which time DH had a breakdown.
When I became pregnant with our 1st DC together the ILs got in touch and I persuaded DH to give them a second chance (more fool me) and they came to see the baby when she was 2 weeks old.
For a while we built up a good relationship with them (or so we thought) and whilst they never apologised for their behaviour, we put it behind us and they seemed to have changed. So much so we went on holiday with them and ILs helped DH to build his business up. All seemed fine for a couple of years and then they asked us if we would like to move back to our old house and would pay to have an extension built.
It took DH and I 3 months to reach the decision to move back (I know, I know we should have said no).

We have now lived next door to them again for just short of 2 years and things have got progressively worse ending with a row between MIL and myself last week.
I truly think they were putting on an act to lure us back to living next door to them as they seemed to change almost immediately. FIL is controlling and everything has to be his way or the highway. He treats DH as if he is stupid and a little child. In fact he treats everyone as if they are stupid and thinks he is the authority on everything. He even tells DH what load up for his days work as if he is in charge and an expert on what DH does for a living.
If ever they have had to arrange for a tradesman to come to our house for whatever reason he just walks into our house without knocking or even shouting to let us know that he's showing the tradesman around.
They grow plants up the front of our house and won't let us tend to them or to our front patch of grass.
They kindly gave DH a hand at getting his business off the ground, bought machinery to push DH's business in the direction that FIL wanted it to go in but it belongs to them, DH is allowed to use it and now FIL is slowly selling it off.
FIL once detached our hose from the outside tap as we may not remember to turn the tap off.
We weren't allowed to have underfloor heating in our extension as FIL felt we would forget to switch it off.
Last year when I was pregnant and suffering with severe Hyperemesis and was rendered pretty useless not once did ILs help DH. He was working, looking after 4 children, mopping up my sick, cooking, cleaning, washing, doing the shopping and working on the extension. Twice he asked MIL to fetch DD from pre-school and both times he was met with "oh alright then" with a lot of eye rolling and she made it clear she was severely put out.
At every opportunity MIL will come out with snide comments aimed at me.
She comes to the house when DH isn't here to make me feel guilty about how much they spent on the extension, pleads poverty, makes out like they are really poor when in reality they are both in their 50's, FIL is retired and MIL has a part time job.
DH's cousin came to stay with us at Easter and whilst he was here MIL told him that they only tolerate me as they know DH will choose me over them. That I don't do anything, DH does everything and has an unfair workload. I wear the trousers in our house.
They never babysit.
They never offer to help us with anything.
They criticise at every opportunity.
They can see we are run ragged, especially Dh yet still nag him and get him to do things that FIL has all the time in the world to do but won't.

We rent this house from the ILs, we have a tenancy agreement yet they seem to know no boundaries. They don't seem to have any sense of what will really piss people off or not.........or maybe they do I'm not sure.

The row between MIL and myself started because the previous day DH had asked FIL if he could nip him over to the local village about 1/2 mile away in his van to pick up a sofa bed that we were buying from someone. FIL agreed but early afternoon he asked DH if he wanted to just borrow the van to go and get it himself so he could "have a drink". DH said no as he is not insured to drive it and we had a car written off 2 months ago in an accident so he is very wary.
FIL took DH to fetch the sofa but DH said that FIL had already been drinking.
At 10.15pm that night our home phone rang. We didn't get to it in time but there was a message from FIL telling us that our shower in our upstairs bathroom had been leaking again. We were quite annoyed at him for calling so late as he woke our 8 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well as it is and frightened the life out of us as my 12 year old DS was away with school at the time and I assumed that if someone was calling that late it must be someone from the school calling to say something was up with DS.

The following morning DH took DD out to wait for the school bus and when he came back in he was absolutely livid. MIL had been waiting for him and launched straight into "can you fix that shower today?", DH snapped "YES!" at her. On the way back from the bus stop FIL hung out of his bedroom window and shouted to DH "Oi, what's your problem?.....You don't speak to your mother like that......" and had basically had a real go at him. DH had been so annoyed at his mother because of the way she collared him when he was in a rush to get to the bus stop and then get to work and that she just launched straight into it without even a hello or sorry for calling so late last night. This sort of thing is a regular occurrence either before or when he has just come home from work, collaring him and nagging about something. To be honest we are both absolutely shattered and this was just the final straw in a long list of things.

I saw MIL as I was getting in the car to go to work a little later so I said to her "Can you tell FIL never to call us at that time again as it's not on and he woke the baby up". She was immediately on the defensive and her reply was "well we had water pissing down our stairs", I then repeated what she had said "water pissing down your stairs?", her reply to that "well somebody was in the fucking shower". So that was it I just let rip. I said I would not have FIL speaking to DH like he was a piece of shit off his shoe, that I was fed up with them nagging and stressing DH out all the time. Oh we had a proper row and yes there was definitely some effing and jeffing from me too, I think almost 10 years of pent up emotion came out as I have never said a word before and have just kept my mouth shut. MIL told me to piss off I don't know how many times.

When I got home from work a couple of hours later DH called to say he'd had an answer phone message left on his mobile from FIL saying that "your missus has just had a bender at MIL, effing and blinding, I'm not having it and I'm not living like this"

Whilst I was on the phone to DH I was in our (downstairs) bedroom sat on our bed looking out of the window. FIL was strimming, saw me so walked right over to our window and started strimming right outside!! The following day MIL parked her wheelbarrow right on the drive making it difficult for me to reverse. At the weekend FIL must have used every power tool he owns (he does own quite a lot) right outside our garden gate. FIL has also been parking his van right up against one of our downstairs windows instead of where he normally parks. Usually we don't hear them (unless FIL is drunk and we can hear his music over our TV) but we are now hearing doors slamming all the time.
Yesterday DH was left another answerphone message summoning him to their house that afternoon to talk, DH didn't go.

There is no going back from this I know. I want nothing to do with them, I'm done trying, sweeping things they do and snide comments under the carpet. I want to be left alone, I have no fight left. I basically have to put up and shut up. I am miserable.

DH is miserable too, he feels powerless against his parents. I know they won't listen.

Thank you for reading if you have got this far. I don't think I am looking for replies really as we have made our bed and we must lie in it although it feels good to get things off my chest. We have no money to move house.
We are stuck.

If you feel like giving me a sympathy pat on the back I could really do with it right now.

[pocketsaviour]

It obviously means nothing that I love their son so much, surely that is the biggest thing we have in common and a great starting point?

If they were normal, non-abusive parents it would be. But they don't love your DH, they believe they own him. He is not a person to them.

[mampam]

I'm feeling quite tearful this morning but trying to hold it together in front of the children.

There are a few of things that I just keep thinking about over and over. The message that FIL left yesterday saying all those things about me, does he really think I am going to go for counselling on his say so? And if I don't does he really believe that I would move out and leave DH and the DC still living here? Does he really think that DH would let me move out and he stay here with the kids?

During the row with IL's yesterday DH said that he had pointed out to his father that if we leave this house then they will never see any of us again. FIL's reply was for DH to stop using the DC Do they truly believe that we will move and DH will still play happy families with them after all of this?

Something else that I keep thinking about is roughly 4 months ago DH received a letter from the tax credits basically asking if we were still living together. We thought it odd at the time but didn't think too much of it, DH called them and told them yes we do live together.
About 3 weeks afterwards our tax credits and child benefit stopped. When I called to find out what was going on they wanted me to confirm our address, which was correct and the one they have on file. They said that our tax credits had been put on hold as they had sent me some correspondence which had been returned to them. The had to suspend our claim until they confirmed our address.

Who knows what went on there?

[FredaMayor]

OP, could your ILs have been interfering with your mail? It's illegal if they have.

[SugarOnTop]

sounds like your pil have been intercepting your mail and ringing tax credits behind your back to cause you problems. they will never stop hounding, harassing and abusing you and your family.

your best option is to move out - start saving now. i also think it's worthwhile you and dh keeping a written record of what's going on for your own and the dc protection. they sound like the kind of people who would try to push for contact with the dc once you've moved and when you refuse they won't hesitate to go down the legal route. i would recommend your dh writes them a letter stating the terms of the tenancy and your rights as tenants under the law - especially the bit about being able to enjoy your home. make it clear that they are not only breaching the tenancy rules but also acting illegally under current law and you will take it further if they don't put a stop to it. no doubt that will infuriate them at which point you tell them to evict you LEGALLY if they want you gone, that gives you extra time to save up as eviction is a bit of a lengthy process.

you have to start playing hardball with them NOW. keep a key in your doors so they can't just walk in. keep a written record of all the things they do which impact on you as individuals and family. keep all voicemails/messages related to this. you never know when it might come in handy.

[fearandloathinginambridge]

Jeebus. This is shocking. They are vile and they are managing to make you and your DH feel bad/responsible for the various tensions.

I wonder if people like this consciously sit down and think or say "Right, we need to lure DS and DIL back in with some promises of help and support with work and housing and then when we've reeled them in we'll go batshit on them, really ratchet up the nastiness, maybe late night phone calls, try and fuck about with their benefits, you know generally try and wear them down and tear them apart. We especially need to target DIL, possibly drive her to think she needs counselling so we can say at some point that she is bonkers and use that to our advantage".

I mean seriously, is all planned or is it all subconscious.

Mampam, do not take these people seriously as credible, intelligent human beings who know best. They are vile and you must never let them make you feel like you are the one with the problem. Your only problem is them. Eradicate them from your life and problem solved.

If you do decide to go to counselling don't tell them. It sounds like maybe a bit of counselling will be useful to support you through their terrible, mind-fuckery and abuse. I would suggest your DH also goes with you as God knows what they put him through as a child.

[mampam]

Unfortunately all of our mail gets delivered to their porch

[LIZS]

I'd be wary of looking for issues that may or may not be there. You could ask hmrc to listen to the call if you really believe they have impersonated you. However what would that actually achieve. Better to focus on distancing yourselves. Can you get a lock up postbox and speak to the postman about only using it.

[IhateMagic]

Fear, I think it's more of a delusion of 'saving' their ds from the op. "Better get them back here so we can minimise her damage and control over our son, better keep tabs on the mail so she isn't trying to deceive us/our son....better start trying to get a paper trail of her insanity (the counselling) so when he does leave her she can't keep the dc".

It's worrying. The more their son tries to prove his independence, the more this will compound the in laws belief he is under a spell.

Start acting as if you are already in a court battle with them. Keep your tinder dry. Cards pressed firmly to chests. Keep evidence of their craziness.

[FrancesNiadova]

We used to share a postbox with other residents. After things went missing, we bought & put up our own postbox with a lock on it

[fearandloathinginambridge]

Thanks Ihatemagic. It is very worrying. I feel sad Mampam that you feel powerless over it all. I think they may have ground you down to that way of thinking. There will be a way of taking control back and extricating yourself from them. You and DH need to think about what that might entail and how you get there.

[SugarOnTop]

Speak with your local post office about the mail being intercepted and ask for it to be delivered either directly through YOUR letter box or arrange to collect it, or use a PO Box. there are always ways around their underhand game playing

[mampam]

Originally the ILs were going to give us a small patch of their land so that we could build our own house on. The night that they offered us the house we now live in (which they rented out as a holiday cottage) FIL told us that we couldn't have the land after all as we wouldn't be able to afford a mortgage I remember being quite cross about it as he had just decided this. At that point we hadn't even costed out the price of building a house or got any advice about what size mortgage we could afford.

A few days later DH discussed this on his own with his parents and they told him that if we built a house and then got divorced the house would have to be sold as part of the divorce settlement and they didn't want strangers as neighbours

A locked post box of our own is a great idea but not sure where we would put it. I may have to call our local sorting office and discuss about them not leaving our post in IL's porch if possible.
I currently have items I need to return via a courier so am going to try and arrange to have them picked up from a friends address rather than ILs porch.

LIZS - I'm not trying to look for issues, I just thought it was odd at the time and looking back on it now I just wouldn't put it passed them to have been playing silly beggars. I know it can never be proved.

I generally feel like I have never been able to do anything right no matter what I do where the ILs are concerned. I could be the most perfect person in the world and I still wouldn't be good enough for ILs. I wonder if it is just me or would they have been like this with any woman that DH had married?

[LowlLowl]

Big hugs, that sounds totally unbearable.

On a practical note, read your tenancy agreement. If it's a legit Assured Shorthold Tenancy one then you have all sorts of hooks to start hanging them from - would a threat of legal action shake them up? But then they might just evict you. In which case you can sue the pants off them.

[FredaMayor]

OP, do you have anyone you consider to be strong and sensible in RL (apart from your DH) that you could talk to about this? Your situation seems to be too overwhelming for you to manage on your own right now. You seem at times to want to give up and resign yourself to whatever happens, but with the help of a mentor I believe you could see your way through.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think the very last thing you want is to take any more 'favours' from iLs (great or small). At this point they could offer you Buck Palace on a silver platter and I'd still tell you to run, run, run!

You aren't going to change them, don't bother to try. You have no leverage. Even the threat of going NC holds no power (right now). They have the two of you over a barrel if you want to maintain your current standard of living, and they know it. Your only option would be to downgrade to a smaller home/flat, and I know that would be difficult with 4 children.

You and DH need to sit down and figure a budget that will allow you to put money by, no matter what that entails.

Until you are able to move, you need to protect your privacy as much as possible. Leave keys in locks, redirect post, try to avoid interaction as much as possible. As hard as it is, both you and DH need to avoid conflict. Of course you will need to stand your ground regarding certain things, but pick your battles. I don't mean to sound so defeatist, but sometimes you just have to lose the battle to win the war. You need out, you need to save money to get out. To save money you have to stay where you are. To stay where you are (in a modicum of peace) you have to put up with them to a certain extent.

I truly believe that at sometime in the future it will be necessary to go NC. So as far as protecting the future, others are right about them demanding 'rights' over the children when you move. I'd avoid them doing childcare or having the children on their own. I believe UK law is specific about grandparents having to have been a "great part or influence on their GC's lives". You want to avoid that.

[Bluejellycake]

I didn't want to just read and run. If I were in your situation I would start saving money up. Save and save and save and get a deposit together to rent another house, somewhere far far away from youR ILs.

Also...if you want to have a moan about ILs, message me, I will listen with a sympathetic ear and share a few stories of my own x

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Sorry not read the whole thread as something jumped out at me immediately.

If you are renting from them and have rental agreement, surely it is they who need to get the shower fixed not you.

[FriendofBill]

Who pays the piper calls the tune...you need to get out.

In the meantime, call Shelter. Get advice.
They are brilliant.

[MameHootieBench]

Regarding the house building thing, I know someone whose uncle gave him and his wife some land on ha farm, they built a house, found they didn't like living in the countryside and then sold it. The uncle has therefore got new neighbours he didn't choose on part of his land he gave away.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

Sorry just seen the bit where you questioned that bit.

If they want to rent to you with a contract in place then they had better start looking at what they are required to do by law. Can Iask who is holding your deposit?

[ShebaShimmyShake]

God you need to move. Whatever it costs will be nothing compared to the damage they will do if you don't. It's not even sanity tax, it's an absolute necessity at this stage. Even if you're in debt for years, get the hell out now. There are some things you can't afford NOT to do.

[mampam]

There is now a big note on the garage door stating that DH must leave a note in their porch the day before he wants to use any machinery. I'm going to suggest to DH that he emails as notes can be 'lost'.

We didn't pay a deposit. They just produce a tenancy agreement every 6 months that we have to sign (yes we've got copies).

The only GC that has any proper contact with them (DC1&2 are from my first marriage and IL's don't consider them to be GC) is DC3 who is 5. DH and I have discussed and have decided not to let her go next door, mainly because it is me that is home most of the time whilst he is at work and it would be awkward for me to have to go around there to call her back if we were going out or something. Plus I suspect that feeding her right before she's due to come home for lunch or dinner would step up a notch too.
Obviously when she is in the garden I can't stop her talking to them over the fence.

[FantasticButtocks]

No I don't think people like plot and plan to be nasty. Because they don't think they are being nasty, they just think they are right! They are opinionated about every aspect of their son's life, including you. And all the things they think, they are convinced about. There will be no reasoning with them.

Are you and DH going to make a plan to put a stop to this?

[FantasticButtocks]

People like this

[AcrossthePond55]

They're trying to drive his business into the dirt, you realize that don't you? Soon the machinery will be 'unavailable' when he needs it and he business will go bust and he'll have no income. That will make him even more dependent on them and give them more power. I know having one's own business can mean a lot to a person, but he needs a proper job. Once you are out from under them and the children are older, maybe he can start over again.