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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe the way we've just been spoken to

101 replies

absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 12:55

NC to hide my shame.

Today we went out to watch an event a friend was taking part in today. DS (2) fell asleep in the car on the way there and had to be woken when we arrived. We know that if we wake him early from his nap he will get grumpy but we had no choice.

Anyway....there was me, my husband, our DS, our friends husband and another mutual friend stood waiting for her to finish.

DS was bored as we'd been stood around for almost an hour and he was tired and naturally started to behave silly like any 2yo I've ever met does. H picked him up and DS flapped his hands around and hit H's face. I explained to DS this was not good behaviour and asked him to apologise to daddy, H shouted at him. DS then did the same again. H looked DS straight in the face and yelled at him 'you fucking little shit'. Naturally I was Shock and told him he'd better NEVER speak to DS like that EVER again. I took DS from him and he replied 'I'll do whatever the fuck I like'.

I was so mortified I left him there and went back to the car with DS. As I went to pull away I saw him running up to the car so I just drove off. I've got home and realised I've got his wallet and mobile phone in my my handbag so he's got no way of getting home or contacting anyone.

I'm so worried about the mood he's going to be in when he gets home (if he comes home!)

OP posts:
MegMogandOwlToo · 28/06/2015 12:57

I understand you are upset, but it looks as though he lost his temper, then you "told him off" hence his reaction.

You were both in the wrong really, and imagine if you'd been left standed with no cash or phone?

FourAndDone · 28/06/2015 12:58

He'll survive.
Sounds like he got what he deserved!!

mummytime · 28/06/2015 13:01

I don't think you were both in the wrong.

Personally as he has no phone or money, if it's a long way then I'd drive back to give them to him. But I would expect a grovelling apology.

diploddycus · 28/06/2015 13:02

You were not in the wrong. He called your DS "a fucking little shit"! Damn right I'd tell my husband off for that. That's unacceptable.

I'm sad for you that you're worried what kind of mood he'll be in. Is that a common occurrence? You can't walk on eggshells for the test of your life.

BrianButterfield · 28/06/2015 13:02

Well, your H was with friends so I wouldn't worry about him getting home, so put that right out of your head.

Is this a usual sort of thing or totally out of character? Had he been drinking? How does he usually react to your DS's behaviour?

I do think it is unacceptable to swear at DC like this especially shouting in his face. Is this something you're willing to put up with happening again? Because it doesn't sound like it's the sort of thing just provoked by circumstances (for example, anyone might shout at a child when exasperated, or swear quickly if caught in the face by a flailing hand, but to shout AND swear AT a child goes beyond both of those things).

CluckingBelle · 28/06/2015 13:02

What! The op is in the wrong because she objected to her child being called a 'fucking little shit'??
He's with friends right? I'm sure someone will drop him home. Don't allow him to make you feel bad about this, his behaviour was unacceptable.

BrianButterfield · 28/06/2015 13:03

Oh, and you were not both in the wrong, what rubbish.

LIZS · 28/06/2015 13:03

He'll just have to explain to your friends and apologise. His language was inappropriate but you can't reason easily with a 2 yo so you both seem to have unrealistic expectations. Is dh normally so volatile?

TRexingInAsda · 28/06/2015 13:03

Oh dear, can you go and pick him up? Everyone gets pissed off sometimes and it was a bad reaction, but if it's a one off it doesn't deserve being left with no way to get home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 13:08

Why are you worried about his mood when he arrives home?. Have you seen this from him towards either you or your son before now?.

I do not think you are in the wrong here; you took your son away from his dad who swore at him and swore also during his reply to you. There is no justification for what he did here; he is the adult and he should have controlled himself more effectively.

If he can explode so seemingly quickly in public at his son I would be wondering what he is like indoors generally speaking?. Are you afraid of him?.

Original poster
absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 13:08

He had not been drinking today, but had been last night and he always reacts very badly the day after he's had a drink. It's usually me that takes the brunt though. I never thought he'd take it out on a 2yo like that! It made me feel sick to my stomach.
It's made me question how many times he's done it in my absence.
He has previously had very bad anger and violence issues which he had help for and it genuinely seemed to have worked for him, but now I'm questioning that too!

OP posts:
NickiFury · 28/06/2015 13:08

God I despise this idea that you must support disgusting behaviour at all costs in the interests of presenting a united front as parents.

If anyone verbally abused my child like that they'd get it with both barrels other parent or not.

How can it possibly model healthy relationships to not defend your child when someone is abusive to them?

AnyoneForTennis · 28/06/2015 13:09

Is he likely to be violent?

BrianButterfield · 28/06/2015 13:11

Everyone gets pissed off at 2yos sometimes, yes, on occasion you might shout at them, but I don't think it's at all normal to swear and shout in a 2yo's face. God knows you might think all sorts but as an adult you have to control yourself around small children - surely we've all sworn in our heads while being bright and breezy on the surface! But that's part of being a parent.

I think his anger issues are not resolved and he's taking it out on someone too small and vulnerable to fight back.

Original poster
absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 13:11

Unsure Anyone. He's not been physically violent for a while now so I'm hoping not, but I think this has made me realise that the doubt is still there....

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 28/06/2015 13:12

He has previously had very bad anger and violence issues which he had help for

Towards you?

How often does he drink to excess?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 13:12

Underlying anger and violence issues are rarely if ever solved by attending such things for instance as anger management classes. He probably grew up with similar and is simply transferring all that onto you and your son.

I also doubt very much if your DH will actually apologise or accept full responsibility for his actions.

I would be seriously looking at your marriage now and your future within it.

Original poster
absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 13:16

Brian my thoughts exactly. He also gets grumpy and behaves badly when he's tired and had a touch week at work, but I know for a fact if I called him ANYTHING due to his stupid behavior he'd be furious with me, so why is it right for him to call a 2yo names? And so aggressively?
I agree that everyone loses their temper occasionally, I'm pregnant and hormonal at the moment and my patience hasn't evacuation been that of a saint. I have yelled when I probably shouldn't have and maybe had a swear under my breath as I walked away, but I've NEVER got in his face and swore at him, nor would I.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 28/06/2015 13:16

He should stop drinking.
His behaviour is shocking.
If you had said your DH has smoked dope last night and was moody, the replies would be LTB.
If behaves like that after drinking alcohol he really needs to stop drinking.

EssexMummy123 · 28/06/2015 13:17

I don't think you should let him back, what a horrible living situation for your children.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 13:17

Who has he been physically violent towards previously?. You, people in wider society?.

What is he like generally with other people, he may well appear to be plausible to those in the outside world but indoors is another matter entirely.

I was also wondering as pocketsaviour also did about his levels of drinking.

LIZS · 28/06/2015 13:22

A lot of people have a tough time at work . That does not excuse this sort of behaviour or the drinking. If he doesn't think he has a problem it won't be resolved.

Original poster
absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 13:22

Attila it sounds like you know him! His dad was violent to his mum when he was growing up.

He doesn't drink excessively very often. Maybe a couple of times a year. Last night was supposed to be a 'pint with a friend' which led to about 8!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 13:24

absolutelydamnfurious,

re your comment:-

"He also gets grumpy and behaves badly when he's tired and had a touch week at work, but I know for a fact if I called him ANYTHING due to his stupid behavior he'd be furious with me, so why is it right for him to call a 2yo names"

It is not right for him to call his son such names. He could well do the same to your as yet unborn child as well; he is not going to manage at all with a newborn and a toddler.

Many people also get tired and have tough weeks at work. It is still no reason nor justification to shout at your 2 year old son the way he did. I reckon you are not allowed by him to get "grumpy" either, you have to stay "cheerful" at all costs. You would never have acted in the ways that he did either.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

LIZS · 28/06/2015 13:27

Did this incident happen in front of your friends?