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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe the way we've just been spoken to

101 replies

absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 12:55

NC to hide my shame.

Today we went out to watch an event a friend was taking part in today. DS (2) fell asleep in the car on the way there and had to be woken when we arrived. We know that if we wake him early from his nap he will get grumpy but we had no choice.

Anyway....there was me, my husband, our DS, our friends husband and another mutual friend stood waiting for her to finish.

DS was bored as we'd been stood around for almost an hour and he was tired and naturally started to behave silly like any 2yo I've ever met does. H picked him up and DS flapped his hands around and hit H's face. I explained to DS this was not good behaviour and asked him to apologise to daddy, H shouted at him. DS then did the same again. H looked DS straight in the face and yelled at him 'you fucking little shit'. Naturally I was Shock and told him he'd better NEVER speak to DS like that EVER again. I took DS from him and he replied 'I'll do whatever the fuck I like'.

I was so mortified I left him there and went back to the car with DS. As I went to pull away I saw him running up to the car so I just drove off. I've got home and realised I've got his wallet and mobile phone in my my handbag so he's got no way of getting home or contacting anyone.

I'm so worried about the mood he's going to be in when he gets home (if he comes home!)

OP posts:
luckiestgirlintheworld · 28/06/2015 15:03
Flowers
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 28/06/2015 15:06

He's also claimed to have reported me to the police for reckless driving and said that I tried to run him over!!!

He's said that purely to stop you from ringing them.

Please call them.

Do you have a friend/relative you can call? I'm a little concerned about crying making your nose bleed (what with you being pregnant - blood pressure?) you need to take care of yourself OP

Flowers
QuiteLikely5 · 28/06/2015 15:13

As usual there's always a massive back story.

He's abusive. You obviously know this because it doesn't come out of the blue.

Prediction: you are on a merry go round. You will keep meeting the same behaviour from your dh. Until you decide to get of the merry go round this is just how your life is gonna be.

Your children in the meantime will be exposed to it and they will be similar to their father in that they have grown up in an abusive household.

Your dp is emotionally dysfunctional and always will be.

snozzlemaid · 28/06/2015 15:16

Your dh's behaviour is clearly a result of the behaviour he witnessed as a child.
If you stay and do nothing the cycle will be highly likely to continue with your ds's behaviour in the future. Is that what you want for your ds and his future relationships?

paxtecum · 28/06/2015 15:21

Oh op, some of these posters on here are almost as nasty and abusive as your DH - ignore them.
I think you should phone the police and can you get a friend or family to come round now?

Have you got anyone you and DS can stay with?

Original poster
absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 15:21

Thanks for all the support everyone. DS is back safe and sound and having a nap. H is avoiding me and has gone and sat in the other room and won't speak.

I have previously spoken to the police regarding him leaving and they have confirmed that there's nothing I can do re. getting him out of the house as it as much his as mine, and re. taking DS he has as much right to take him as I do. However, previously, I didn't have the evidence I do now so I'm going to contact the police and WA when he's at work tomorrow and see what rights I actually do have.
I don't want to do it now in case he hears me taking to them and it riles him even more.
As far as rl support goes, my mum has wanted me to leave him for years, she can see through people and knows exactly what he is. We separated a while ago before he had the treatment for anger/depression and she was very supportive. However, there are several members of my family, including my dad and grandparents, who think that since I am married to him that's final and they pushed me to get back with him. (Ironic that my dad is divorced).
I never pictured this for myself or my kids. What a mess.

OP posts:
antabuse · 28/06/2015 15:22

Oh - and the lovely house is still there, but owned by somebody else because my father made a unilateral decision to sell it and keep the money for himself.

That said - we have all married lovely partners and have not been abusive to our own DC. There is hope - and even more so if you do something about it now - not in 15 years time.

Lioninthesun · 28/06/2015 15:25

Oh dear OP. Your son doesn't need this. Once you start letting behaviour like this in it escalates. He sounds very controlling, manipulative and aggressive. I, like others, would not want my son to have this as an influence in his life. Remember you are teaching them a pattern of behaviour.

I really feel for you as it sounds like you thought this was over and had moved on. Sadly I don't really know if these issues ever really go, especially when alcohol is added, but more likely are masked or diverted using some hefty CBT. I'd also urge you to contact the police and women's aid. It sounds as though he is busy plotting your downfall and you need to make sure that you can show a timeline if it continues.

pocketsaviour · 28/06/2015 15:34

Your dad and grandparents aren't living your marriage, you are.

Please take advantage of your mum's support to leave this vile man.

If he is shouting and swearing into a 2-year-old's face, making threats to you, trying to damage your property, imagine what he's going to be like with moody teenagers?

He will destroy your children with his anger. They, and you, deserve better. Leave now before having another baby traps you further.

paxtecum · 28/06/2015 15:39

Ignore your Dad and DGPs.
I'm so glad you have you Mum on your side.
When is your baby due?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 15:40

Take advantage of your mum's support.

Your dad and grandparents are not living within your marriage and their views are outdated not just to say wrong. They should be roundly ignored.

butterflygirl15 · 28/06/2015 15:41

Legally you will be able to make him leave. You must speak to Women's Aid and the police. And they will help you get rid of him from your lives.

Finola1step · 28/06/2015 15:41

You have your mum on your side. This is all you need right now. Please keep your phone charged and on you at all times if you are going to sleep under the same roof as him tonight.

Sammasati · 28/06/2015 15:45

The definition of madness is doing the same thing and expecting different outcomes. You have the power to stop this madness.

You need to phone the police as your dc and you are at risk.

Pull up your big girls pants and make that call.

You and your dc's happiness and safety are in your power. You can do it......(hug)

Be strong for your children.

Do you have family or friends that you can turn to?

This man is no friend of yours.

Vivacia · 28/06/2015 16:18

I don't want to do it now in case he hears me taking to them and it riles him even more. And?

I'm worried that you're not taking this seriously enough. You won't have any evidence or paper trail which you'll regret later.

googoodolly · 28/06/2015 16:21

She has evidence. She recorded the conversation on her phone - that will still be there tomorrow. She's being very sensible not ringing the police/WA in front of him at the moment, he could kick off and given his earlier behaviour, become volatile and actually very dangerous.

Best to wait until she's on her own and apart from him before calling.

thornrose · 28/06/2015 16:27

Can't you take your ds and go to your mum's? She's on your side, you can call the police from there.

I think spending the rest of today and the night with him is very unwise.

MasterchefIwish · 28/06/2015 17:09

Go to your mother's tonight OP? This man will not change, he has shown he cannot or isn't willing to change. His temper is bad, his aggression is now in the form of verbal abuse to you and your son but how long before it becomes physical towards you? And towards your buy? He has shown verbal towards the child is no issue.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, it is not fair to you and your DS.

Andro · 28/06/2015 17:15

Vivacia - Maybe she's worried that if he hears Her now, it will put her and ds in more danger?

Vivacia · 28/06/2015 17:34

Andro yes, it could be, but we don't know hence why I asked. Either way, OP is absolutely best placed to judge the risk. But phoning the police, letting him choose his reaction (and reacting accordingly) is an option to consider. He's not above the law and she should realise that adults have the right to ring who they like, when they like and this right is protected.

Ohfourfoxache · 28/06/2015 18:11

Can you and ds sleep in the same room tonight and can you barricade yourselves in? (Saying this as I assume that you can't or won't either leave yourself or ask him to leave - which would be preferable).

I'm genuinely frightened for you op - I think he will kick off tonight. And the more he sulks the worse it will be - it will fester.

Can you go to your mums? Could you sneak out with ds, or get someone to collect you?

Please, please get out ASAP Sad

Andro · 28/06/2015 19:49

Vivacia

I'm sorry, I misread the tone of your post and was a little sarcastic.

I agree that all options should be considered and the safest way out found.

petalsandstars · 28/06/2015 20:11

Make sure you keep yourself safe tonight OP and your phone too. Can you get your mum to "drop in"? Or have her with you tomorrow maybe if she will be a support to you?

Vivacia · 28/06/2015 20:57

No worries Andro, I didn't realise you were being sarcastic and I often am myself.

Ohfourfoxache · 29/06/2015 13:42

Please, please just come back and reassure us you're ok op. Please tell us you and ds are safe.