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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't believe the way we've just been spoken to

101 replies

absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 12:55

NC to hide my shame.

Today we went out to watch an event a friend was taking part in today. DS (2) fell asleep in the car on the way there and had to be woken when we arrived. We know that if we wake him early from his nap he will get grumpy but we had no choice.

Anyway....there was me, my husband, our DS, our friends husband and another mutual friend stood waiting for her to finish.

DS was bored as we'd been stood around for almost an hour and he was tired and naturally started to behave silly like any 2yo I've ever met does. H picked him up and DS flapped his hands around and hit H's face. I explained to DS this was not good behaviour and asked him to apologise to daddy, H shouted at him. DS then did the same again. H looked DS straight in the face and yelled at him 'you fucking little shit'. Naturally I was Shock and told him he'd better NEVER speak to DS like that EVER again. I took DS from him and he replied 'I'll do whatever the fuck I like'.

I was so mortified I left him there and went back to the car with DS. As I went to pull away I saw him running up to the car so I just drove off. I've got home and realised I've got his wallet and mobile phone in my my handbag so he's got no way of getting home or contacting anyone.

I'm so worried about the mood he's going to be in when he gets home (if he comes home!)

OP posts:
Original poster
absolutelydamnfurious · 28/06/2015 14:21

I now feel like the most shitty mother in the world for putting him in a position where he's witnessed this!
Our life isn't as Jeremy Kyle as this thread has sounded!! DS has never witnessed any of H's mood swings/tantrums in the past. I have always got his best interests at heart and generally we are a happy family. We live in a lovely house, in a gorgeous area and both have decent jobs so we can provide for our family.
I feel like people are going to think I'm one of those mothers who sits back and let's her kids be abused because she can't be arsed to do anything!
I've now cried so much I've made my nose bleed.

OP posts:
thornrose · 28/06/2015 14:22

Where will he have taken your ds do you think? You do need to get away from this man, no two ways about it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/06/2015 14:22

If you had his mobile phone on you when you drove away, when did he have the opportunity to call the police? He's bluffing and a effing liar. I can't think of any responsible adult who witnessed what he did while you were out who would lend him their phone to report you for anything.

He's out of control and he has your child with him. So much for "anger management" classes, eh? I'd be on the blower to the police myself right about now. Just bloody-well do it.

thornrose · 28/06/2015 14:23

What's important is what you do now.

EssexMummy123 · 28/06/2015 14:23

Oh god your poor son he must be petrified right now, call women's aid now

LIZS · 28/06/2015 14:24

Not at all . He has conditioned you into accepting his bad temper and behaviour as normal, promising to change, controlling you and to an extent Ds until he has to face the fact that children are less controllable and flipped. Alcohol is one factor. It is a fairly typical pattern , police , WA etc will have seen it before.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 28/06/2015 14:24

Op I think you are the exact opposite of that type of mother. The first time you saw your husband use that verbal violence (imagine how frightening it is for a small child) on your child, you picked him up, removed him and yourself and went for safety. I suggest you keep in tune with your completely correct and instinctive need to keep your child and you safe, and contact Women's Aid and/or the police to remain safe and get away from this man. He hasn't changed, he's put on a veneer of respectability for a short while, but the first time his child has challenged him (as little kids do), he has let the mask slipped and showed his true self, for which he isn't even sorry.

He sounds very angry and very dangerous, please keep yourself safe- can you take advice from WA/police on what to do if it all turns nasty again later on today?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/06/2015 14:26

Also, notice that the people you left him in the company with did not lend him the mini-cab fare or give him a lift home either. That's testament to how unimpressed with his behaviour they were.

Phone the police! Now!

You need to get this arsehole out of your life, and out of your child's life right away

BreadmakerFan · 28/06/2015 14:29

If you don't want to be a sitting back mother what are you going to do?

RepeatAdNauseum · 28/06/2015 14:30

Your priority is to get your child back and protect both of you from him. The police can help get him away from you for the immediate future and return your son

Call them. Your son will be scared, and your husband needs a shock as well as some time away to calm down.

Once you've done that, come back and we'll talk next steps.

SomebodysRealName · 28/06/2015 14:31

"And you're pregnant again??? hmm Is this real, or a wind up? What the fuck were you thinking? What a ridiculous situation, having another baby with an abusive man who you can't trust to leave your 2yo alone with. Sod picking him up. Pack up his shit and tell him to fuck off. "

When I did the Freedom Programme it was made absolutely clear to us in the first few minutes of the course that anyone who made comments like that would be asked to leave the group. It's not helpful to attack the OP when she is in a vulnerable position. She needs building up if anything.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 14:31

OP

I do not think badly of you either.

Please call Womens Aid. Lizs is right; they have seen all this before. They can and will also help you. Your H's verbal threats are empty ones; he had no opportunity to call the police because you were also in possession of his mobile phone.

What is important is indeed what you do now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/06/2015 14:32

Abuse is insidious in its onset and you have been conditioned as well to accept this on some level from him. This is precisely how such people operate.

regretsihaveafew · 28/06/2015 14:33

A gorgeous house, a gorgeous area, good jobs. But I fail to see how the family life is 'happy' with all this brewing up and simmering under the surface.

I think today is a reality check. Something needs sorting, urgently. Your H is behaving in an abusive way which could potentially affect your sons well being and it has to stop.

You are your sons protector. Your H is the abuser. And he has an alcohol problem too apart from his vile behaviour.

antimatter · 28/06/2015 14:34

If you were my daughter I would come and give you a big hug and waited with you for your "dh" return.

I would worry that you and your son staying under the same roof with your dh in your lovely home is dangerous and would offer to take you back home with me.

You need to have rest and be looked after. No one should be treating their partner this way.

Whether you stay with your dh or not is up to you but to me it looks like he is an unstable character and would damage his kids and you in the process of proving how right he is.

Please look after yourself!

butterflygirl15 · 28/06/2015 14:43

bloody hell - he is vile. I really hope you call the police and WA and get him out of your life today.

Theimpossiblegirl · 28/06/2015 14:44

OP, there is a lot of good advice on this thread. Sadly there are some posters who are not being as helpful and supportive as they should. You are not a shitty mother but you are in a shitty position. Put yourself and your children first and tell you husband to leave. Call the police if you have to. They will not think you are unhinged, they've seen it all before.

Please get some real life support, people will not judge you.

Vivacia · 28/06/2015 14:44

So, where is your son right now?

wanderings · 28/06/2015 14:45

This man is abusing you and your son, and he thinks he is getting away with it! He thinks he is invincible.

He needs to experience the shock of being arrested, locked up, interviewed, and separated from you and your son for a little while so that he sees that his behaviour is simply not acceptable. He won't hear it from you, but he might hear it from the police, especially if words such as "court" and "criminal record" are mentioned to him if he repeats this performance.

You can make it happen. Sooner or later he will come storming back home: it can either be to a vulnerable wife on her own, or to a police officer or two waiting to arrest him.

Police take matters of this sort very seriously indeed.

Call them. You have evidence (the recording) in your hand.

antabuse · 28/06/2015 14:50

OP.
I was brought up in a lovely big house, beautiful garden, private school.
My parents had well paid jobs, 2 cars etc.

My father was a violent alcoholic who abused drugs, was violent towards my mother and to his children, and the mental cruelty was off the scale.

My mother stayed with him because she didn't have any family or outside support. She thought we would miss the nice house and the school.

He got worse when she was expecting my younger sibling. He almost killed that same younger sibling in a fit of drunken rage.

She should have left him then - but she stayed another 15 years.

Another sibling was driven to suicide by the damage caused.

I have name changed for this post because even though it all happened over 40 years ago, I still have nightmares and flashbacks.

Please open your eyes and don't let this go on any longer.

Finola1step · 28/06/2015 14:50

OP, fwiw I don't think you're a bad mum.

I think you have probably worked really hard to keep everything together. You have spent the past few years learning to manage his moods and temper. As an adult, you can spot the signs that he'd getting wound up and you maybe modify your tone of voice or body language to stop him blowing up.

Trouble is 2 year olds don't know his "signs" and "rules". Trouble is he's done a good job on you.

But there is still a big bit left in you. That bit that grabbed your son, got in the car and drove off. The bit that had the common sense to record him mouthing off. That's the but you need to listen to.

He has shown you his true colours today. You have found that strength and anger to drive off.

Call the police and report him. This needs to be logged at least. Call people in rl who can support you.

spottybottycream · 28/06/2015 14:52

Over my dead cold body would he have left with my son. You 'protested' to him leaving with him. How about actually physically stopping him leaving with him and calling the police?
Your poor little boy is going to be terrified and upset, alone with a man who hurts him verbally and most likely physically when he gets upset.
What are you going to DO about it. You need to DO something. You are not helpless. Stop posting on here and call the police. Protect your child.

pocketsaviour · 28/06/2015 14:53

Please call Womens Aid and 101.

I do not believe for one minute he called the police to report you; that type of threat is an extremely common lie from angry, abusive men.

When he left, did he take your car? Did he take DS with him, did he even strap him in? This is very worrying.

Fearless91 · 28/06/2015 14:56

OP being a nice family means more than having a nice house good jobs and money. I'm sure you know that.

I don't think you're a bad mother. Not at all. I don't understand how anyone can think you're at all in the wrong Confused
But I do hope this second baby wasn't planned.

Call the police. Make him leave the house.

Technically speaking he hasn't "kidnapped" him because it is his son. He is entitled to take him out just as much as you are. But if you show the recording of his abuse to the police that should definitely help you as they'll then know by him taking DS he's putting him at some sort of risk.

FuzzyWizard · 28/06/2015 14:58

Call the police! Your son is potentially in danger.