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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a good/bad list. Help me decide

84 replies

WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:28

So I've name changed for this so I can be honest and even hide away from the truth if I need to ;)

Here is my list, what would you do?

Negative:

He has hit me
He has raped me
We rarely have sex
He spoilt our holiday
He can't contribute towards the house financially
He doesn't seem very interested in getting married and progressing the relationship
He says he wants kids, but doesn't speak about how we might get there
He is rough with me when we have sex
He misunderstands my sexual wants
Sex is rarely exciting
He is a terrible drunk

Positive:

He is usually kind (when sober)
He is usually caring (when sober)
He is really intelligent
He has a lovely face
He puts me first (when sober)
He is financially generous
He would be distraught if we spilt up
He loves me (when sober)
He leans on me
We have fun and a laugh (when sober)
He is my best friend

Should I just give up drinking and expect he does the same? FWIW I enjoy a drink and don't get lairy with anyone. If I make this relationship work I will need to be tee total so that he can be as well. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:31

He also has a history of porn, I am not convinced he is over it as he is more careful now to protect his computer

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/06/2015 04:33

Really?
Number one and two on your list mean you should run the fuck away from him. I didn't bother reading the rest. What other advice are you expecting? I guess you need to hear it which is why you posted here - you should not ever stay with a man who abuses you in any way. Hitting and rape are abuse. You deserve better. Do you have children?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/06/2015 04:35

Your lists contradict each other too. He's not financially generous if he can't contribute to the house. He doesn't love you if he hits you. He's not your best friend if he rapes you. He's not kind and loving if he becomes abusive when he drinks. Alcohol isn't a magic personality changer it's a disinhibitor and allows people to act the way they really want to.

Original poster
WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:37

Thanks for the reply Ehric, I appreciate it, even though it's hard to read. Perhaps I do need to hear it. We don't have children and are not married and the house is in my name.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/06/2015 04:37

Why do you think this is all you are worth?

Original poster
WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:42

I don't feel I have measured my worth and this is what it is. I've had a relationship with this guy and we have had ups and downs, and day to day we have good conversation and laughs and everything is seemingly fine. The most disturbing aspects actually happened a while ago and I thought he was mellowing, but then something happened recently and I'm feeling a bit vulnerable again. We're at the point of no return... getting married... having offspring and I'm suddenly worried that been excusing him and I'm lining myself up for something I don't want to get into.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:49

FWIW he has only ever been abusive after drinking. Perhaps if we gave it up altogether we would be fine?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:54

It's quite late so I am going to get a few hours rest. Appreciate any contributions in the mean time.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 12/06/2015 05:08

If he abuses you after drinking and continues to drink then he is deliberately abusing you

If you have kids with him you'll be an utter fool. Stopping drinking will not alter a thing about his core beliefs and values which are very fucked up.

Lovingfreedom · 12/06/2015 05:15

Get out now...don't have children with him or get married. It will only be worse, not better if you do.

lilmisslibrarian · 12/06/2015 05:20

I read your lists and I think you should run fast and run far. This is not a relationship and it certainly isn't one that you should be try to save.
Have you told anyone or shown them these lists in RL? Also did you report the rape/abuse to the police?
Don't make excuses for him regarding being drunk, it sounds like he is a grade A tosser when he is sober.
Please get rid of him-don't marry or have kids with this man.
He sounds vile.

AngryBeaver · 12/06/2015 05:21

I can't believe you even made a second list after number 1.
Number 2???
I love my dh so much, we have four kids we've been together since we were 18.
The day he hurts me physically, is the day I leave.

There are guys out there who will treat you like you want and deserve to be treated.
Don't get yourself any further into this by having kids with this dickhead.
(And that is what he most definitely is you know? He's a complete dickhead, at best.)
Just gather up your self worth and get your ass out that door. Then in a few years look back on this episode of your life, shudder and pat yourself on the back for narrowly avoiding a massive life fuck.

AngryBeaver · 12/06/2015 05:24

Oh. It's your house. Excellent.
Then tell the cock lodger that you've had a good long look at your relationship and you've decided that he is punching well above his weight, and he needs to leave so you can find your equal and love happily ever after.
ORRR, pack all his stuff leave it outside the locked front door. Pin the list to the bags. Nothing else needs to be said really, does it?

paxtecum · 12/06/2015 05:25

Op, just dump him.
Don't even think about asking him to give up drinking - just end it.
It may be beneficial for you to give up drinking at least for a while.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/06/2015 05:29

Number 1 (let alone number 2) is where your list should stop.

This man is violent and abusive. Do not make excuses for him. Do not marry him. Do not have kids with him.

Ouchbloodyouch · 12/06/2015 05:40

He sounds fucking awful. Sad

SanityClause · 12/06/2015 06:05

Why is "He leans on me" a positive? Surely better that he stands on his own two feet.

Anyway, like others, I got to point 1 of the negatives, (let alone 2!) and thought you need to end this.

You want children? Not with this man! He will not be a loving father. He will not be an equal partner (financially or emotionally). Your children would get skewed attitudes to alcohol, and could well end up alcoholics or in relationships with them. For starters.

rumred · 12/06/2015 06:09

Have you anyone in real life who knows about this abuse? I think it would help to talk to a trusted friend.
Cancelling a wedding is scary but marrying an abuser is scarier. You'll get lots of support and tough love on here if you want it. And I really hope you do because your bf sounds like a deeply flawed and abusive person. You only get one life...

TheUnwillingNarcheska · 12/06/2015 06:09

Run for the hills.

Number 1 and 2 for me would be the deal breaker. I wouldn't care that it only happened after drinking. Also all the "sex is rarely exciting" and "he is rough with me when we have sex" would make me fearful of having sex with this man.

You deserve better, there are men out there that will treat you far better than this.

loveareadingthanks · 12/06/2015 06:22

Darling, this man is dangerous. No matter how nice he is sober, he drinks and becomes dangerous to you. No matter how sorry he might be afterwards, he drinks and becomes dangerous to you. No matter how long he's been sober, there's always a risk that he will drink again and become dangerous to you.

He knows he does these things when drunk. Even if you wish to believe that he 'can't help himself' when drunk and it's not the real him, consider this. He knows there's a risk of his doing something terrible to you when he is drunk. He chooses repeatedly to take that risk. Therefore he chooses to do terrible things to you.

You cannot live your life policing his drinking.

Violence...rape...abusive sex...

FFS woman. Why are you thinking about continuing to have those things, or the fear of those things, for the rest of your life.

AlternativeTentacles · 12/06/2015 06:25

I thnk you should make a good go of it.

Violent, rapist, holiday spoiling, financial abusing drunk cunts are all the rage, didnt you know? Why have a nice man when you can have all the excitement of a man like this?

Allgunsblazing · 12/06/2015 06:26

Really? Run like the wind, you're being abused!!!

Buster08 · 12/06/2015 06:40

Your list of negatives far outweighs the positives. All the negatives are serious enough even just on their own to leave him.

Many of the positives aren't actually positive at all and look like you're clutching at straws to add to the list (he has a nice face? he leans on me?)

As others have said, please don't have kids with him. If he's like this now, the daily stress of having children will make him MUCH worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/06/2015 06:52

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

Did you grow up seeing your mother abused by your dad?. If so history is repeating itself.

He is an abusive drunkard and none of your positives are positives at all; the comment "he leans on me" is no positive either because that smacks of you rescuing and or saving him.

Get him out of your home and your life. There is no other option.

cigarsofthepharaoh · 12/06/2015 06:58

I've been in this relationship. I was your "d"p.

I was abusive and horrible when drunk. She stayed because, when sober, I was loving and affectionate. It was an awful relationship. It took her a couple of years of this awful behaviour (it didn't start straight away but when the initial spark went from our daily life together) to realise how awful I could be sometimes. She broke up with me and left. I sorted myself out and took time to sort my life out. We're now happier than ever as a couple.

It isn't as simple as just becoming teetotal yourself and hoping he changes. DP could have been teetotal for decades and it wouldn't have changed me. DP could have threatened to leave for years and I wouldn't have truly believed she would. DP could've begged me endlessly and I'd have made empty promises.

You need to leave him and not look back. If life and sex with this man is unexciting, plus he treats you like an object he doesn't care about, there is nothing to go back to. Leave him and find someone better.

If he truly cares, he'll come to you in a few years with proof that he's changed. Don't wait around for this shitbag of a man.

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