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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I made a good/bad list. Help me decide

84 replies

WhatToDoNow001 · 12/06/2015 04:28

So I've name changed for this so I can be honest and even hide away from the truth if I need to ;)

Here is my list, what would you do?

Negative:

He has hit me
He has raped me
We rarely have sex
He spoilt our holiday
He can't contribute towards the house financially
He doesn't seem very interested in getting married and progressing the relationship
He says he wants kids, but doesn't speak about how we might get there
He is rough with me when we have sex
He misunderstands my sexual wants
Sex is rarely exciting
He is a terrible drunk

Positive:

He is usually kind (when sober)
He is usually caring (when sober)
He is really intelligent
He has a lovely face
He puts me first (when sober)
He is financially generous
He would be distraught if we spilt up
He loves me (when sober)
He leans on me
We have fun and a laugh (when sober)
He is my best friend

Should I just give up drinking and expect he does the same? FWIW I enjoy a drink and don't get lairy with anyone. If I make this relationship work I will need to be tee total so that he can be as well. What would you do?

OP posts:
cigarsofthepharaoh · 12/06/2015 07:01

Sorry, just re-read your OP. I never raped DP and would never have done, even at the height of my alcoholism.

Please please please leave him. It doesn't get better from here.

HE has to decide to change and that has to happen on his own. You need to leave him to sort his life out and never hope for him to make a reappearance into your life.

QuiteLikely5 · 12/06/2015 07:04

You are a regular if you have name changed. Haven't you learned anything from reading these boards?

If you had a child with this vile creature I would consider you an absolute disgrace.

The man is a danger to society and as for being a rapist - well that is a crime for which he shouldn't even be walking the streets right now.

The man is dysfunctional. You cannot fix him. He will always be that way. Start detaching and wise up.

temperamentalamongcorvids · 12/06/2015 07:16

I'm so sad that you even felt the need to write this list. You are worth so much more than life with this abusive, criminal arsehole. He isn't your best friend.
The Freedom programme would be a good move, you can do it online. Do any of your friends or family know? who can you talk to?

ALaughAMinute · 12/06/2015 07:20

Run and don't look back. Flowers

LovelyFriend · 12/06/2015 07:23

All that Is. left on your 2nd list is "he has a lovely face". Though TBH there is no "good" list that could negate his bad points and how you can bear to look at his face let alone call it lovely is astonishing.

Not married, no kids, your house.
Get rid asap op. This man doesn't love you. LTB asap. Run like the wind away from this horrible person.

Focus on building your self respect so you don't settle for such a horrible relationship again and think it is love.

IMurderedStampyLongnose · 12/06/2015 07:26

Run OP,you deserve far better than this.Flowers

Khalisi · 12/06/2015 07:37

Good morning, dear What,

I was going to say that if you need a list, you're with the wrong man (after reading your headline).

Then I read Number 1 and I felt sick. I know from experience that man like these get into your head and screw around with you and while you know something is very wrong, you doubt yourself.

He is horrible. Just unbelievably horrible. I read this a lot on MN 'you deserve so much more'. I can only repeat that.

Please do not marry him or have a child with him.

You know what my new man does when he's tipsy? He giggles at my funny faces and chases me around to tickle me! At first I thought wtf. But now I know it is cute and very loving.
No beatings.
No rape.
No name calling.
No wanting to own 50% of my house, just because he 'loves' me.
And he is financially totally independent!

You're THE prize, my love. You are the bees' knees, as my dd would say.

Dump this shithead and get yourself a real man.

Real love doesn't hurt.

Good luck!
Flowers

JugglingFromHereToThere · 12/06/2015 07:37

You are at a life cross-roads. You can take a better path than this even if the first steps along it seem difficult as it is a new and more unexpected path. See if you can find friends to walk with you down that new road especially for the first couple of miles.
Having children with your current partner would make for a difficult and un-happy future.
I'm sorry to hear of the difficult experiences you've been through and are living with now
Be brave, strike out on your own, and see what you find

GoatsDoRoam · 12/06/2015 07:49

Numbers 1 and 2 are not just "negatives'. They are crimes.

DrMorbius · 12/06/2015 07:59

I suggest you immediately get yourself some counselling, because your view on normal behaviour (and your tolerence of what you will accept) seem somewhat distorted.
Read your list above; 3 of your complaints are about your dissatisfaction with sex, with the man that raped you!!!!!! This is not normal!!!!

He hit's you, has raped you (the rest of his antics are just noise), exactly what would he have to do to you, that would be a "step to far" in your view???

Get out of the relationship ASAP.
Seek help: you are in a distructive relationship and you need help to see it.

DrMorbius · 12/06/2015 08:00

*"step too far"

sheffieldstealer · 12/06/2015 08:02

Numbers 1 and 2 are not just "negatives'. They are crimes.

THIS. THIS THIS THIS.

You have your independence, your youth, your freedom, all the potential of your life ahead. Do not throw it away so cheaply - I promise you there are men out there who would be your best friend without raping you, hitting you, or diminishing your sense of self-worth to the point where you even have to make a plus/minus list to decide that this isn't good enough.

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 08:07

Your lists somewhat contradict one another. I'm a little unclear on a few of the points.

After I read he had got you and raped you though I kind of switched off to the rest.

Only1scoop · 12/06/2015 08:08

Phew!! you don't have children together ....small mercies and all that.

happyh0tel · 12/06/2015 08:26

When you meet the right, good, positive man, you write a list with all their good things first

You have written all the negative things first

You are trapped in the negative drama of this relationship

You obviously cannot see it yourself (that is why you are asking for our opinions)

You need to dump this man immediatley, live on your own for a while

This man has ZERO GOOD POINTS & I agree with the other posters that he has affected how you view people and life in general

Please listen to us for your own health & safety

happyh0tel · 12/06/2015 08:32

The other important thing to know

You probably think that you can change him or he will tell you that he will change

He has already shown you his NEGATIVE side

YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM

HE WILL NOT CHANGE HE WILL ONLY GET WORSE

PLEASE END THIS RELATIONSHIP

STAY STRONG

kimmyw · 12/06/2015 08:36

You can do a lot better and deserve a lot better i think hun, and i think you know that deep down.

TanteRose · 12/06/2015 08:39

you know that almost all of the positives are actually negatives really

He is usually kind (when sober) > He's only kind when he's sober
He is usually caring (when sober) >He's only caring when he's sober
He is really intelligent > Hmm
He has a lovely face > Hmm
He puts me first (when sober) >He only puts me first when he's sober
He is financially generous (not if he's not contributing to household...)
He would be distraught if we spilt up > he would emotionally blackmail you if you split up
He loves me (when sober) > He only loves you when he's sober
He leans on me > He can't stand up on his own feet without you
We have fun and a laugh (when sober) > you can only have fun when sober
He is my best friend...Hmm

Your best friend, however intelligent and handsome, does not hit and rape you.
Please make him leave Flowers

Meerka · 12/06/2015 08:54

You can hide from this all you want but you can't hide from a drunken fist coming your way.

God's sake don't bring kids into this, even if you don't much care what see-sawing heaven/hell you live in. You can get out, if you ever decide you want more. They can't.

You can't change him. Only he can do that and you begging him to won't do it.

pompodd · 12/06/2015 09:11

OP, I'm a man and hope my input is helpful. I'm an anonymous stranger on an internet forum, don't know you and never will, but I wanted to reply. I have no agenda.

I was shocked and saddened by your post. If you were my sister, daughter, niece or friend I would move heaven and earth to help get you out of this relationship.

I hope you can see why you are getting such strong reactions on this thread. You admit that this man has raped you. I appreciate you might find it difficult to label him as a rapist, but if he were dealt with by the criminal justice system (as he ought to be), you do understand that he would be jailed for years for that crime? Can you see, against that backdrop, how the fact you are weighing up his good and bad points feels so incomprehensible to other posters?

I don't know if it would help you to think of it this way, but what you do or say if it were your daughter posting your OP? Wouldn't you do anything you could to get her away from this man? If so, what does that tell you about your own self-esteem and self-worth?

None of this is to criticise or blame you in any way. None of this is your fault and you are not to blame. Please try to find the courage to get out. You deserve so much more than this.

sooperdooper · 12/06/2015 09:13

I didn't even get past half the first list, oh please leave this awful man

The positives are you have a home in your name and you have no children with him so you can end this relationship and move on

Do you have support in real life? If you ask him to leave do you think he will or get violent? Get support if you can or call the police when you tell him to leave, show them your list, he's a violent criminal and you need hm out of your life

ohidoliketobe · 12/06/2015 09:19

I didn't read past no. 1 & 2 on your negative list. Leave. You know this. That's why your negative list is first. Is it a case of head vs heart? We've all had to make decisions between them (but not with circumstances as extreme as this!!). It might be painful but you WILL move on. You WILL be fine. You will look back on this stage of your life and the decision you made to leave as something which made you stronger.
Imagine if you had a daughter. What would your advice to her be if she was faced with this situation?

ImperialBlether · 12/06/2015 09:20

That list of negatives is truly horrific. Christ, OP, have some self respect and get rid of this bastard.

CocktailQueen · 12/06/2015 09:21

After 1 and 2? Doesn't matter about anything else. he has hit you and raped you. He also seems to be a cocklodger, but that's beside the point here.

Run away, very far away, from this pathetic excuse for a man.

But - hurray - you don't have dc, you're not married, you have your own house.

What's stopping you? Change the locks, get him out, block him, don't let him back when the whines and promises to change.

He won't. He has shown you who you are.

You deserve SO much better.

CocktailQueen · 12/06/2015 09:21

shown you who HE IS - sorry!