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Original poster

Should I tell his wife?

100 replies

blingers526 · 19/05/2015 19:03

So I found out the guy I was seeing since Xmas has a wife and children.
He swears I am the only one,he has done this with. Given the amount of times he cancelled, I'm inclined to believe him.
He has begged for another chance to put things right for the sake of his children, but I feel I am letting him off too easy.
Should I tell his wife? I don't want to ruin his children's lives, but at the same time feel he gets to go about his business unscathed.

OP posts:
NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 19/05/2015 19:05

I think you need to stop contacting with him. You cannot be the OW and insist that his wife has the right to know, for the simple reason that if you really cared about that woman and her child, you will make yourself scarce.

Lndnmummy · 19/05/2015 19:39

No, you really should not. He has made his choice.

Tequilashotsfor1 · 19/05/2015 19:42

Don't fool yourself that you are the first.

I've been in your situation and thought about it too but if you do your going to make the situation a million times worse.

AoifeBell · 19/05/2015 19:52

And don't fool yourself you'll be the last.

Don't tell his wife you're well out of it now. It's his problem not yours.

MistressDeeCee · 19/05/2015 19:54

If a man cancelled on me numerous times I'd know there was another woman in the picture. What did you think he was cancelling for?! Surely you suspected? Maybe you decided to ignore the red flags waving in your face?

I know in situations like this, its easy to opt for revenge. After all, he will cosily go back to his life, and then find another woman to string along eventually. I wouldn't tell, but can understand your feelings in wishing to. Might make the situation worse, though. The messenger is often shot. Remember, when you approach his wife with the "I didn't know he was married" line, she may not believe you. & in that case, what she says to you could make you feel a million times worse.

In your shoes I'd steer clear and be glad of 2 things. 1 that you had a lucky escape from a sleaze. 2: that you are not his wife. I think those 2 things would feel a whole lot better than revenge...

Goldandsparkles · 19/05/2015 19:58

Who did he beg for another chance with for the sake of his children? Sorry, a bit confused but doesn't his wife know now?

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 20:02

He begged me not to tell his wife, so he could give his marriage a chance for the sake of his children.
No she doesn't know, unless she was suspicious in the first place.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 19/05/2015 20:12

I'd tell her, you have done nothing wrong as you didn't know. You and the wife need an sti test, he has no right to withhold information which may affect her health. I never understand the perspective of the people saying keep quiet, it's not as if you are telling her out of spite. I'd want to know.

Quitelikely · 19/05/2015 20:18

If I was that wife I would absolutely want to know. I don't understand women who want to be kept in the dark.

I say tell her. Nicely. With evidence if you have any. Then back right off.

I'd like to think you ended it as soon as you found out. Respect for that. If your only doing this because he ended it then that's very questionable........

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 20:22

No, when I found out, I confronted him and ended it, he always used protection so no danger of an sti.
It's just I am aware most women shoot the messenger, I wanted him to tell her, but he just kept begging for the chance to make it right for the kids

OP posts:
magoria · 19/05/2015 20:25

Protection does not 100% protect from STIs.

I would want to know.

I suggest you get checked as well as this may not be the first or last time.

inlectorecumbit · 19/05/2015 20:26

If l was the wife l would want to know-he should have thought about the kids long ago.
I bet you're not the first either and probably not the last.

Goldandsparkles · 19/05/2015 20:28

Situations vary. My ex had an affair whilst I was pregnant. To be honest our marriage was already over (I know ridiculous despite me being pregnant). I was relieved to find out he had been with someone else as it was my exit. I've never looked back and am on good terms with him. Just one perspective but who knows their situation.

flora717 · 19/05/2015 20:29

I agree. I'd rather know. I could protect my health and make informed choices for my future.

Thisismyfirsttime · 19/05/2015 20:30

I get the thing about the wife not believing you/ him turning it round to you being a crazy, infatuated woman etc but I always wonder on threads like this why so many posters tell the OW to keep schtum? If it were me I'd want to know. For self preservation in certain circumstances it would be wise to keep quiet but why here? I'd tell her because if I were her I'd want to know.

Joysmum · 19/05/2015 20:30

If I were the wife I'd want to know. Treat others as you'd hope to be treated yourself. It may not be easiest option but why should you not give her the knowledge to make decisions about her life.

What if she doesn't get told and 20 years down the line she finds out he's been cheating on her over the years. She's wasted the best years of her life on this loser.

Justusemyname · 19/05/2015 20:31

Stop pretending to care about the woman you are breaking by fucking her husband.

If you said, I want to tell his wife so I hope she kicks him out and he comes running into my bed, it would probably be a bit more honest.

BeeRayKay · 19/05/2015 20:32

As a wife that has been in this situation I ask a few things of you.

1/. Tell her.
2/. Tell her kindly.
3/. Having proof would be a bonus.

Quitelikely · 19/05/2015 20:35

And yes his chance to think about the children is well and truly over.

Ending it when you found out was the absolute correct thing to do.

Do her a favour and let her know what sort of man she is married to

Muddlewitch · 19/05/2015 20:35

Agree with Joysmum. I left my ex when I discovered him cheating, later found out he had done it a lot while I was juggling work and kids and thinking of our future together. I wasted those years, I would rather have known.

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 20:38

I do not want him back, justmyusername, I've been cheated on before, it wasn't pleasant.
It's because of this I am torn between keeping out of it, or just telling her, I know for me I focused my rage on the woman he was sleeping with, not him, but we didn't have children.

OP posts:
FatAli · 19/05/2015 20:38

I would want to know, but not from the OW - that is just spite.

Your comment about him getting to 'go about his business unscathed' makes your motive for telling her pretty clear.

TinyBit · 19/05/2015 20:38

I would want to know.

You have information about her marriage. She deserves to have all the relevant information about her marriage so she can make decisions about her family's future.

You're not ruining his children's lives, he made his own decisions about his family.

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 20:47

Fat Ali the comment is like that because I feel dirty and cheap, whilst he acts like nothing has happened.
Had i been vindictive I would have just told her when angry and not even confronted him.
But I can't make him tell her, so if I don't, who does?

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 19/05/2015 20:48

I think you should tell her - in a gentle, adult way. He wasn't thinking of his kids while he was unfaithful, bit late to pretend to care now isn't it.