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Original poster

Should I tell his wife?

100 replies

blingers526 · 19/05/2015 19:03

So I found out the guy I was seeing since Xmas has a wife and children.
He swears I am the only one,he has done this with. Given the amount of times he cancelled, I'm inclined to believe him.
He has begged for another chance to put things right for the sake of his children, but I feel I am letting him off too easy.
Should I tell his wife? I don't want to ruin his children's lives, but at the same time feel he gets to go about his business unscathed.

OP posts:
trappedinsuburbia · 19/05/2015 22:34

I would want to know, at least she can decide her future armed with the truth. If she suspects anything he's probably been telling her shes paranoid etc. Just do it kindly.

Goldandsparkles · 19/05/2015 22:45

I think if he was actively looking for an affair then something is going very wrong for them. I'm glad I found out about my ex's affair (with a colleague) and would have wanted to know if he had actively gone looking. I wouldn't have wanted to be made a fool out of anymore. People shouldn't go after others when they are married if they aren't prepared for their marriage to end.

Lndnmummy · 19/05/2015 22:52

OP, I am so sorry. My first message was short and snappy - apologies. I am so sorry you were drawn into this scenario. It happened to me to, years ago and I remember the heartache like it was yesterday.

morethanpotatoprints · 19/05/2015 22:54

I think you should tell her too. I would want to know and with 2 young children she is probably still young and will able to meet somebody who doesn't go actively seeking an affair.
It is bad enough being swayed by a chance encounter, but he went looking for it.

Gralick · 19/05/2015 22:57

You found out through "people you may know"??! God, poor you! I can just imagine clicking & hoping it wasn't him - the sinking feeling.

What an absolute tosser.

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 19/05/2015 22:59

I would want to know. As others have said tell her gently, kindly and with proof. Make sure she knows you don't want him and that you're disgusted by what he's done.

DragonsCanHop · 19/05/2015 23:05

I would want to know.

Gralick's reply is very sensitive and well meaning.

You are not his first.

Goldandsparkles · 19/05/2015 23:05

I really feel for you too. You didn't deserve this either. His wife deserves better, his children deserve parents in an honest situation and you deserve someone wonderful!!

Momagain1 · 19/05/2015 23:16

he certainly never meant to get caught out
Well of course not! The whole point of an affair is that it is a secret.

He gave you a fake name?

You are definately not the first.

honeyroar · 19/05/2015 23:49

My ex cheated on me. The thing that hurt the most at the time was that some people knew and didn't tell me. I felt like an idiot.

I met a pilot at work once, started dating him, found out he was married, then a day or two later his wife rang as she'd found my texts. We had a very honest, nice to each other chat. She didn't blame me and believed that I hadn't known, she just wanted the truth and some proof. I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want revenge, I didn't want him. We were both glad we'd had a chat. He probably wasn't!

Why do we protect these men!

honeyroar · 19/05/2015 23:51

Meant to say I dumped him as soon as I found out he was married, then his wife rang.

Cabrinha · 19/05/2015 23:58

I would tell, in your situation.
I'd want to know. The thing is, even if she didn't believe you (although more likely she did but wasn't ready to face it yet) it means next time it happens, or she has a suspicion, she can stop going crazy and start to piece it all together.

When I had proof about my XH cheating, it was such a relief. I knew 99.9% but the 0.1% was keeping me trapped in a fucking awful marriage. The proof freed me.

Bogeyface · 20/05/2015 00:06

not sure reasons behind why you feel you need to be one to tll her

Because no one else knows as far as the OP is concerned and given that the husband isnt going to confess, she is the only who is in a position to tell the wife.

I think if he was actively looking for an affair then something is going very wrong for them

There is something very wrong. The wife is married to a lying cheating arsehole.

The idea that happy spouses dont cheat is very naive and blames the faithful spouse for the fact that the cheater couldnt keep their clothes on. If his marriage is that bad then he can choose to leave and start again, to treat his STBXW with respect, do the right thing by his children and give them all a chance at a happy family and both adults the chance of a fulfilling love life. He didnt do that. He registered on a dating site under a false name and lied about his marital status, these are not the actions of an unhappily married man who just happens to meet his soulmate. These are the actions of a man who was after a bit on the side "my wife is more interested in the kids than me....." without thinking that if he was less of a selfish entitled arsehole and was more supportive as a father and husband, his wife might have more time for him.

Then chuck into the mix the fact that he begged the OP to not tell his wife, which means his marriage isnt so bad that he wants to leave it, and you have a classic dyed-in-the-wool cheater. The OP isnt the first and certainly wont be the last.

Hippychickster · 20/05/2015 07:53

From a different perspective, my dad left my mum and us for the OW. It was very very hard for all of us as we were older teenagers so understood how horrible it was for mum. In my 40s I found out he'd had many affairs while we were young. It changed how I saw him as it felt like my whole childhood had been a lie. If he'd left when we were little, I think mum would have remarried and would have been happy. She didn't get that chance and even now doesn't know. None of us would tell her as it would destroy her, so another secret we have had to collude with and keep for him. If it were my DH I'd want to know.

bigbumbrunette · 20/05/2015 07:59

As a wife who's just been told, tell her. Yes, it hurts like hell but I'm now in control of my future rather than unwittingly thinking everything was going well. Be kind but provide proof. I was told several months ago but with no evidence and a very clever husband he denied it. She came back a few weeks ago with the evidence And he's totally busted.

Original poster
blingers526 · 20/05/2015 08:14

Thanks for all the replies, do I give him a chance to confess, or just do it myself. I don't think there is any easy way to tell her so will try and do this as kindly as possible

OP posts:
Joysmum · 20/05/2015 08:17

I have know way of knowing or checking what he's told her so what's the point?

HellKitty · 20/05/2015 08:21

How did you meet online? Was it a dating site?

Quitelikely · 20/05/2015 08:27

Op

Just tell her. He is not going to take that chance. He will beg you not to expose him.

You will be doing her a favour.

DixieNormas · 20/05/2015 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebecca2014 · 20/05/2015 08:35

I would tell her, think about it. If you didn't then he will believe he got away with the affair and most likely will cheat again. If you told the wife, the marriage may end or maybe they be able to work through it honestly.

I would tell the wife myself, have you got any proof to show/send her? you would not be able to believe he told his wife the truth anyway.

IWishIWishedLess · 20/05/2015 08:37

I would definitely want to know. If you don't know her personally a kind phone call would be good as opposed to face to face, but if you don't think you can manage that write her a letter (if you post it, make sure you disguise your handwriting on the envelope so her 'D'H doesn't get rid of it) or an email.

Be very kind but include proof if you have any, such as photos together or maybe screenshots of some conversations (if sending photos it is your choice whether you want to blur out your face).

She may direct some anger towards you but I think that by telling you would be doing the right thing. Best wishes.

I'm very sorry for you, how devastating to find out that your boyfriend was married.

I think Gralick gave some good advice.

Waimaz · 20/05/2015 08:37

i would tell her. if it was me i would want to know.

definitely tell her

Chipshopninja · 20/05/2015 08:39

I would definitely want to know. She's married to someone who actively sought out an affair on line.

If he have you a fake name I agree with pps, you are not the first and you won't be the last

Tell her op.

Good luck

worserevived · 20/05/2015 08:41

Please tell her. Do it yourself, you can't trust him to. He won't, but he'll tell you he has.

I have been the wife. I know what it feels like to have a partner cheating, all the while treating you like a second class citizen. You feel like you are going mad, and can't understand why they are being so cold. Knowing makes sense of it, and helps.

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