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Original poster

Should I tell his wife?

100 replies

blingers526 · 19/05/2015 19:03

So I found out the guy I was seeing since Xmas has a wife and children.
He swears I am the only one,he has done this with. Given the amount of times he cancelled, I'm inclined to believe him.
He has begged for another chance to put things right for the sake of his children, but I feel I am letting him off too easy.
Should I tell his wife? I don't want to ruin his children's lives, but at the same time feel he gets to go about his business unscathed.

OP posts:
Thisismyfirsttime · 19/05/2015 20:51

That's a but harsh Justuse, if OP genuinely didn't know.
And Fat who would you want to tell you if OW didn't? It doesn't sound like DH's going to!

Justusemyname · 19/05/2015 20:57

I agree, harsh. But so is telling a wife that you have been sleeping with her husband. I'm surprised I get the posts about the wife having a right to know and hoe many posters would want the OW to tell them.

The OP seems to be trying to piss off the man and wanting revenge than genuine sorrow for the wife.

Thisismyfirsttime · 19/05/2015 21:03

But if you were the wife would it matter whether the OW were telling you out of spite or regret?

Bogeyface · 19/05/2015 21:06

I would want to know and as only the OP and the MM know, and the MM isnt going to be the one to tell his wife, that leaves the OP.

I can understand the OP wanting to do this tbh, even if it is from a position of spite. Why the hell should he get to carry on his sweet life with no repercussions when he has messed around 2 women with his lies?

And better the wife knows and make an informed decision on whether to stay with him than be left thinking everything in the garden is rosy. He will do this again, better she finds out now.

Cherryapple1 · 19/05/2015 21:07

I think the wife being told over-rules who by or why they are told doesn't it?

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 21:11

In an ideal world I would like him to tell his wife, to take some responsibility for what he has done.
But he is the cheat with everything to lose, so get that he won't.
There is nothing spiteful about me, I came on here to ask opinions that is all, I don't wish to piss anyone off/get back with him.
He had lied, I can't stand that, it's the fact he has made married vows and broken them, and today whilst i feel horrid about getting involved with someone already taken, he probably woke up with a sigh of relief.
The question is simple, do I go back on what I said to him and tell her?
No revenge, putting a grenade under someone's life and walking away isn't me

OP posts:
Gralick · 19/05/2015 21:11

After giving this some thought, I'm going with "tell her". That's if you can trust yourself to do it kindly, compassionately, to make it absolutely clear that you don't want him back, and to let her anger wash over you.

I'm really sorry he turned out to be such a shit, and a user.

MistressDeeCee · 19/05/2015 21:14

& if the wife sticks by her husband and gives the OP a mouthful of abuse - after all, to her the OP is the other woman, not a mate - what then? We can't choose other people's reactions, I don't think for 1 minute telling his wife will bring a sweet feeling of revenge, at all. It could very well open up a can of worms and I can bet the OP won't be left feeling vindicated.

So yes, tell if you want OP just have in mind that the vengefulness may be felt against you alongside this man and you probably won't find that pretty. Actually, a wife sobbing down the 'phone (possibly?)wouldn't make you feel good either

I think you knew the signs..he cancelled on you loads of times..and you should have got out back then really instead of ignoring that. You couldn't have controlled his sleazy behaviour - but you could have sidestepped it. At least you have a chance to just let all this go and find someone decent now, unlike his wife who is stuck with him and for all you know, yours won't be the 1st call she's received about him either...

Gralick · 19/05/2015 21:19

If I'd had a call, or an email, saying something like "My name is Blingers and I've just broken up with my boyfriend after finding out he was married ..." I'd have had a clue what was coming next and braced myself. If it then went on to give a few short details about him, some of his cover stories, and to say how hurt & sorry she was, I wouldn't exactly be sending her flowers but I'd be bloody grateful for the background and the ammunition. I would actually feel sympathy for her, but not every woman would.

Cans of worms are best opened ime.

VanitasVanitatum · 19/05/2015 21:20

I would want to know, but I didn't tell Sad the guy who did it to me didn't have kids yet though.

I asked on here and was advised leave it, so I did. Didn't speak to him from the moment I found out.

Bogeyface · 19/05/2015 21:21

If the wife chooses the husband and blames the OP then thats her choice, but it is a choice she has made after learning the facts.

The OP was unwittingly the affair partner, and depending on what job he does, the cancellations could be perfectly easily explained. I have a friend who works on call and he has to cancel arrangements all the time. He makes them on the understanding that he may have to cancel and we understand that, it could have been the same for the OP.

Does the wife have a right to know that her husband is a lying cheating sleaze bag? Yes. Will the husband tell her? No. So that just leaves the OP.

Bogeyface · 19/05/2015 21:23

And I agree with Gralick. Its all in the wording.

"You should know that your husband has been cheating on you with me. He told me he was single but....." all the wife will see is the first line which is gloating and spiteful.

The way Gralick worded it however is sensitive and informative without attempting to rub salt in the wound.

BumpKitty · 19/05/2015 21:26

All of those saying don't tell her, would you not want to know?

magoria · 19/05/2015 21:28

Gralick's opening line is perfect.

Thisismyfirsttime · 19/05/2015 21:29

If the wife flips out on the OP then she flips out, if she chooses not to believe her that's down to her.
No-one can tell you what to do OP but as a wife all I can say is that personally I would want to know and quite frankly I couldn't care less why you were telling me, through spite or concern as it'd be between me and DH after that.
And as I said before, in some circumstances it'd be better for you personally not to. It depends on those circumstances (dc in same school, work colleague etc).

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 21:45

I don't know her, don't live in their town, he gave a fake name etc to me, so definitely tried to hide his tracks not to be caught

OP posts:
bigbumbrunette · 19/05/2015 21:51

As a wife who has recently been told, I agree that knowing has been the best (hardest thing ever) for me as I'm now in control of my own future. I was told back in September and I ignored her (crazy, lunatic woman my husband told me she was). She came back 3 weeks ago with the 'evidence'. So I agree, do it kindly, gently and with proof. Otherwise he'll talk his way out of it. He'll have his lies already lined up for her as an explanation.

Thisismyfirsttime · 19/05/2015 22:04

Well there you have it OP, some posters would rather be told and some wouldn't. It's down to you from here but if you didn't know it's not your fault. Even if you did (which I'm not suggesting!) it's down to him to stay faithful. Do what you think is right.

Goldandsparkles · 19/05/2015 22:12

How did you find out ? How did you meet him? I know he outright lied but I'm just wondering what state their marriage might be in for him to do that? Which might give more idea of why and if to tell her?

Iflyaway · 19/05/2015 22:19

Yea, why not.

Not sure why all these women collude with each other to never tell what's going on.

The truth will out soon enough.

I personally wouldn't want a relationship/date/whatever with a man who couldn't be honest...

Original poster
blingers526 · 19/05/2015 22:20

Met him online, found out the real him on social media, accidentally, a friend has a mutual friend and he came up on people you may know.
Didn't deny anything when confronted, hasn't mentioned his marriage, just asked for me not to tell his wife for the sake of his children, said he knew he has messed up. They have only been married for 5 years. 2 small children, he certainly never meant to get caught out

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/05/2015 22:23

I'm surprised I get the posts about the wife having a right to know and hoe many posters would want the OW to tell them

If the choice is between not knowing and having the OW tell me then I'd still rather know.

I'd also want all the info I could get knowing that DH could not be trusted to be truthful so I could compare stories and have evidence.

Owllady · 19/05/2015 22:26

My dad had loads of affairs, my mum said she'd have rather known
Instead she was made out to be mad and on the end of abuse
I don't think her situation is that unusual from friends etc

Owllady · 19/05/2015 22:28

If you met him online he was obviously after an affair! I'd tell his wife. Write her a letter like in the 1950$

kilmuir · 19/05/2015 22:30

not sure reasons behind why you feel you need to be one to tll her

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