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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I tell his wife?

100 replies

blingers526 · 19/05/2015 19:03

So I found out the guy I was seeing since Xmas has a wife and children.
He swears I am the only one,he has done this with. Given the amount of times he cancelled, I'm inclined to believe him.
He has begged for another chance to put things right for the sake of his children, but I feel I am letting him off too easy.
Should I tell his wife? I don't want to ruin his children's lives, but at the same time feel he gets to go about his business unscathed.

OP posts:

Bakeoffcake · 20/05/2015 08:47

He won't tell her so I think you should do it yourself.

She deserves to know, poor woman.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 20/05/2015 08:54

you are only telling her through malice and spite, leave them be and I am sure it will turn to shit anyway if he is a cheater-

Fromparistoberlin73 · 20/05/2015 08:54

although worse has a point too!

Original poster

blingers526 · 20/05/2015 09:05

No malice in telling her, I actually told him I wouldn't, but wasn't really thinking straight, it's only now it's sunk in, I think she deserves to know, I don't think I'm the person to tell her, but he won't. So I dont have any other option.
Yes I could leave them to it, but he is rather good at covering his real identity, the next girl he cheats with won't have a clue either, and is that fair to them as well?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/05/2015 09:17

but he is rather good at covering his real identity
Then you definitely are NOT the first.

My ExH cheated on me and I was pretty pissed off with some friends who knew as I thought they should have told me.
If it was actually OW who told me I'm not sure how I would have reacted.

She does deserve know though.

laurierf · 20/05/2015 09:24

There's a difference between a spurned or 'guilt-ridden' OW who knew she was shagging a married man telling the wife, and someone who genuinely met a guy online dating, finding out he was married by accident, and then ending it immediately.

I think the wife needs to know that her husband is doing this, and if things occurred exactly as written here, then I don't envy you the task of doing it, but I think you should tell her, with enough to give her proof but being careful not to rub salt into the wound.

blueshoes · 20/05/2015 10:18

OP, how did you mean this man and how did you find out he had a wife?

Fudgeface123 · 20/05/2015 10:27

RTFT blueshoes

Blossom888 · 20/05/2015 20:21

I had a situation (they're all out there!!) although not quite such an outright lie.
I went out with a guy for a few months. When we first met he told me he was separated but still in the family home. I was rather foolish (I'm not saying you are at all!) and didn't realise he had no plans to move out. He too gave me a false name (although all the other details weren't so I found out who he was).

I didn't tell his wife as I believed the separate lives but staying for the children.

Quitelikely · 20/05/2015 20:26

Can you just send her a FB message?

Lolipoplady · 20/05/2015 21:18

I would want to know, if I was the wife who had been cheated on. As a PP has said, you have information about their marriage (horrible, hurtful info, yes) and his wife deserves to know.

In my opinion, she deserves to know regardless of your motives for telling her.

InThisTogether · 20/05/2015 21:36

Hi OP, I think you should tell her, you're right she should know, if she chooses to stay with him it's up to her.
Don't feel bad about telling her, I'd want to know myself, but please be aware she might not believe you / want to know.
On the other hand, she may already know in her heart...
Good luck.

Original poster

blingers526 · 20/05/2015 21:49

I would like to just fb message her, but since confronting him, her fb is now locked down and I can't just message her.
It will have to be by letter or in person, guessing he has already started with the a crazy person has become infatuated with me bs!

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 20/05/2015 22:12

So he has blocked you from contacting her. Use someone else's FB account?

Or write a letter, wait until you know she's home and he isn't then post it.

Original poster

blingers526 · 20/05/2015 22:14

Locked her settings down so unless I am a friend I can't message!
He's done that in general, yes a letter it will have to be

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 20/05/2015 22:17

If it was me, I would write a letter and give it to her in person and then walk away!! lol.

Or do what someone else said, create a new user account and try contact her from that.

Tiptops · 21/05/2015 00:40

Yes, you should definitely tell her. I actually think a letter would be kinder than any other way - she has time to absorb the information and won't instantly lash out at you in the heat of the moment. She can then make an informed choice about her next steps.

IWishIWishedLess · 21/05/2015 06:43

I think in this case a letter is best. She can read it in private that way.

MothershipG · 21/05/2015 06:58

Do you have some proof? A few posters have said they needed evidence or you'll be too easy to explain away.

Chipshopninja · 21/05/2015 08:20

Have you told her yet op?

Dowser · 21/05/2015 09:30

I would want to know. My exh must have cheated on me loads throughout our marriage. I'm still unaware of the total extent . What I do know is bad enough. He always had a good cover story.

It was only after he left I found about the prostitutes . People knew but never told me. I must have looked a right schmuck.

A leopard doesn't change it's spots, it just gets bolder.

When our divorce was going through and he was living with the OW and he filled in the financial form it even showed he was chasing more women because he'd paid a subscription to a site called something like dating for single parents.

He was fifty odd ffs and our children were all grown up, which leads me to think he was looking for women in the 35-40 bracket!!!

If their marriage is having problems and you can bet your bottom dollar it is, she deserves not to have the life I led with a cheat and liar as she will always have doubts and little niggling worries which could lead to depression amongst other things.

Poor woman. We cheated on women are not monsters. I loved my husband whole heartedly . I gave 101 per cent to my marriage and certainly would have never dreamt of cheating.

She needs to know. Kindly, gently with proof.

Dowser · 21/05/2015 09:31

I would want to know. My exh must have cheated on me loads throughout our marriage. I'm still unaware of the total extent . What I do know is bad enough. He always had a good cover story.

It was only after he left I found about the prostitutes . People knew but never told me. I must have looked a right schmuck.

A leopard doesn't change it's spots, it just gets bolder.

He was fifty odd ffs and our children were all grown up, which leads me to think he was looking for women in the 35-40 bracket!!!

Poor woman. We cheated on women are not monsters. I loved my husband whole heartedly . I gave 101 per cent to my marriage and certainly would have never dreamt of cheating.

She needs to know. Kindly, gently with proof.

Dowser · 21/05/2015 09:33

What happened to my message?

It's gone and I said tell her, kindly, gently with proof.

Dowser · 21/05/2015 09:34

MNHQ?

My messages aren't posting !

Gralick · 21/05/2015 10:16

Proof doesn't need to be forensic, Mothership (though I'm sure that would be good!) Stuff like knowing what his cover story had been for certain dates - in fact, dates of nights & weekends you spent together would do it because she'll have had the cover story. Distinguishing features in the pants area. Places you went, especially if he used a credit card. Info about the fake identity, obviously.

Dowser, I had one of those too. There were so many small clues, I actually believed I must be paranoid because why would anyone choose to be married if they were doing all this other stuff? Answer: He's a pathologically dishonest, misogynistic weirdo!

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