Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think my mum has been letting herself into our house when we're not even in

70 replies

lovedoughnuts · 04/04/2015 16:49

Hi, I recently had a thread about my Mother who uses emotional blackmail / is controlling:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2328777-Mother-who-uses-emotional-blackmail

Since this event, I have noticed a few times, that things have been different when I've come home (TV on / toilet seat left up etc).

Anyway, this week, we've all been off work/school, and we went out for the whole day to London on Thurs.

Before we left, I fully locked the front door, and went around checking the lights were all switched off.
When we returned, there were lights left on all over the house, and the front door had clearly been used, as the door was only semi locked!

I was a bit freaked out by it, and we have now changed the locks, but I feel really concerned, that (if it is her) she thinks it's ok to do this without asking first if we'll be home. (And the fact that the intruder had left loads of lights on too!)

Only one other person has a key (my neighbour), and I have asked her, and she knows nothing about it.

Seems a coincidence that I stand up to her, for the first time, and then this starts happening!

OP posts:
Original poster
lovedoughnuts · 04/04/2015 16:50

When I say stand up to her, I am referring to my mum!

OP posts:
StayingSamVimesGirl · 04/04/2015 17:01

I would change the locks. And in the interim, I am sure we can think of things for you to leave where she will see them if she does go snooping - house details for property on Orkney, for example, or emigration forms for Australia. Then when she raises the subject ('When we're you going to tell me you were thinking of moving so far away?'), a) you'll know for sure it was her, and b) you can blandly deny that you have any intention of moving - so c) she will only be able to argue with this by admitting to having snooped while you were out!

capsium · 04/04/2015 17:01

Well you have changed the locks now. Don't give your mum a spare key and she won't be able to snoop. If you've multiple locks and you want her to have a key on occasions, just give her one for the main door / each of the main doors. Then when you are not expecting her lock the locks she doesn't have keys to. This gives you some control and she cannot snoop unexpectedly.

StayingSamVimesGirl · 04/04/2015 17:02

Sorry - I missed that you have changed the locks already - please ignore me. Easter Blush

capsium · 04/04/2015 17:03

As to the snooping it could be the result of anxiety over a loss of control over you. You are grown up now and make your own decisions, she might feel powerless to protect you.

ImperialBlether · 04/04/2015 17:08

Oh I'd be revving up a text.

"We got burgled this week. They don't seem to have taken anything but I told the police and they came round to take fingerprints. The burglars left all the lights on so it was pretty obvious they were here. The neighbour across the road has CCTV because his car was keyed by someone so when he comes back from work today the police are going to have a look at the CCTV. Apparently they'll be able to see the whole street - I didn't realise they could do that. Better run, have to scrub the fingerprint ink off the doors."

petalsandstars · 04/04/2015 17:12

Love it imperial

blueberrypie0112 · 04/04/2015 17:22

Get a video camera. Leave it on while you are gone.

but the real solution is to change all your locks. It is possible that your neighbor could be doing this.

shockthemonkey · 04/04/2015 17:30

Good advice above!

Your mum knows you know though, because of the time she walked in on your DH -- can she possibly think your DH would not have mentioned it to you?

And she knows you disapprove too, I should expect, because your DH was not pleased and I am sure she would have picked up on that.

I am glad you got the locks changed.

Bogeyface · 04/04/2015 17:46

Look at the pattern of behaviour...

First it was a few things out of place that you think "Oh, perhaps I didnt check..."
Then more obvious things so you are thinking "Somebodys been here, I am sure of it!"

Then this, making it so obvious that she has been there. This wasnt her sneaking around trying to find things out, but her pissing on your territory.

she WANTS you to know she was there, she wants you to react, so dont.

Mrsrochesterscat · 04/04/2015 18:40

I've had exactly this with my own DM. She is claiming your space as her territory, reminding you that you belong to her and that she can do whatever she wants.

Reading through your other post, I would also say it won't be long before she starts using your DC in her games. You all need to go totally NC. Believe me, it's no fun taking your DC to therapy every week because you didn't protect them from someone who, when you truly listen to yourself, you knew all along she was going to mess them up, but couldn't face her reaction if you stopped contact. Choosing your mother over your children leads to more guilt than your mother could ever lay at your door.

Mrsrochesterscat · 04/04/2015 18:45

My mum was just lovely with my DC by the way. It was only when they hit teenage years that she showed her her true colours. She was playing the long game with them all along.

MadeMan · 04/04/2015 19:04

To find out for certain who it is, you could set a trap of leaving out three bowls of porridge at slightly different temperatures and put three single beds in an upstairs bedroom.

Worked for me and it turned out to be the postman; so you never know.

DistanceCall · 04/04/2015 21:43

That's supposed to be funny, I imagine, MadeMan.

Good suggestions above.

Original poster
lovedoughnuts · 05/08/2015 16:47

Hi,
I realise that this thread is a couple of months old, so move this if necessary, but it's relevant, as the problem has developed....

  1. A few weeks after we had the locks changed, I had a text off my Mum, saying "I see you've changed the locks then" (she had tried to let herself in (without checking if I'd be there) to drop of DS's birthday presents). I replied, to say that we'd had a break-in. She did not even so much as ask if I was ok, or if much anything was stolen etc.
  1. Early in July, I received another text, which says "You need to send me a spare key so I can put presents inside your front door". There was no please or would it be ok, no xxs (kisses) etc, just a demand for a key! I ignored this demand, as there is no way I'm sending her my key!
  1. Yesterday, I had another one from her - "You still haven't sent me a front door key. Why are you ignoring my request? I am not a snoop you know. I just want to put presents safely inside your front door." I replied to this, to let her know that I wouldn't be sending any keys. I also mentioned some stuff about DS. (Actually, she has snooped on me in the past, so I know that she is capable!)
  1. She sent a reply which said "Why won't you send keys? In that case, send ours back", there was no mention of DS or anything.

And that is how it's been left.
She has always withdrawn love as a way to punish me, and she is doing that now.

I'm finding this all so hard, but I've had a lifetime of her pushing me around, and she really doesn't like it when I don't comply with her wishes!
The feelings of guilt are overwhelming.
Those of you that have dealt with 'tricky' parents - how have you coped?

OP posts:
SuckMySquallop · 05/08/2015 17:27

Call her bluff and send her key back without saying a word.

Job done.

And if she still persists to ask for a copy of your key - just say "no".

Its a complete sentence and repeat ad-finitum as required. Sorry, but your mum sounds like a bullying cunt who cant accept you are an adult.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 05/08/2015 17:35

I'd just send her keys back.

She sounds awful.

I think the stately homes thread is for people with awful parents / families - I've not read any of them - but you might be able to find some support there.

I have a weird relationship with my mum and have just decided that actually we don't get on and we don't really like each other and that's fine. So at 41 I thought, I'll just accept that's how it is, and while it's a bit upsetting, actually it's better than thinking how on earth do I make this relationship work.

WhirlpoolGalaxyM51 · 05/08/2015 17:37

I mean she's nowhere near as bad as yours, we just rub each other up the wrong was and she is very emotionally distant.

I think if she were like yours I'd just send the keys back and not care. What does she give you in this relationship? What do you get out of it? Does she make you feel good, happy, is she good company, do you like her? If not, why subject yourself to it. I say that's what I'd do, but then I've been raised to do emotional distance rather well Grin so easy for me to say.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 17:39

A round of applause for the pure genius of IB [claps hands and Grin )

Skiptonlass · 05/08/2015 17:39

Yup. Send her key back, then let her make the next move. Do not ever give her another key, and be careful who you DO give a key to.

I'd also have a word with anyone else who has a key, letting them know that under no circumstances are they to let her borrow a key. She may try the 'oh I'm just popping round to drop this off' shit with other key holders too.

Zucker · 05/08/2015 17:43

Send her the key back with no comment, she's trying to stare you down so to speak.

goddessofsmallthings · 05/08/2015 17:45

Got so carried away with IB's ingenuity I forgot to add my response which is send your dm's keys back with no note, but do make copies first in the event that you may be called upon as next of kin or similar in an emergency.

FenellaFellorick · 05/08/2015 17:50

Just send her keys back.
Don't get sucked in to her game

VivaLeBeaver · 05/08/2015 17:55

My mum did this, at least twice that I know of.

First times he had the audacity to ring and moan that Id run out of loo paper. She reckoned she'd been passing and was caught short for the loo. I was suspicious this was a lie as she has no reason to pass my house. I'm live ten miles from her and there's nothing in this direction she could have been going to. She moaned she had a shitty arse for the rest of the day. So I gave her the benefit of the doubt and had a bollocking for no loo paper.....but when I got home I found there was loo paper in the bathroom cupboard, just none on the roll!

Then months later teen dd is off school sick. Mum unaware of this. Dd on the sofa. Door unlocks and it's my mother and a friend of hers. She reckoned shed wanted to show her friend my house. I was a bit like WTF, can't understand why as my house isn't special. I suspect my mum wanted to show her friend what a state my house is in ......mum has a bee in her bonnet about my untidy house. So I reckon she was bringing her round so she could show her friend in a "look, I told you the clutter is bad" way.

I was furious but at the time not strong enough to stand up to her. However we've been NC for six months now and it's been the best six months of my life.

mineofuselessinformation · 05/08/2015 18:02

When you send her key back, send it 'signed for' so you have proof she's got it.