Think my mum has been letting herself into our house when we're not even in

[lovedoughnuts]

Hi, I recently had a thread about my Mother who uses emotional blackmail / is controlling:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2328777-Mother-who-uses-emotional-blackmail

Since this event, I have noticed a few times, that things have been different when I've come home (TV on / toilet seat left up etc).

Anyway, this week, we've all been off work/school, and we went out for the whole day to London on Thurs.

Before we left, I fully locked the front door, and went around checking the lights were all switched off.
When we returned, there were lights left on all over the house, and the front door had clearly been used, as the door was only semi locked!

I was a bit freaked out by it, and we have now changed the locks, but I feel really concerned, that (if it is her) she thinks it's ok to do this without asking first if we'll be home. (And the fact that the intruder had left loads of lights on too!)

Only one other person has a key (my neighbour), and I have asked her, and she knows nothing about it.

Seems a coincidence that I stand up to her, for the first time, and then this starts happening!

Who the hell (repeatedly) demands keys solely to put presents inside the house?! Come on. You absolutely have to call her bluff and send the key back with no note. Also make sure the neighbour knows not to hand her one over if your mum comes round claiming you've said she should have it.

I see she worships your brother, only really tolerates you because of your ds, and allows herself to be controlled by your father. Pretty obvious she's not a fan of women. She's unlikely to change, you're always going to be second class in her eyes. What's the point of tolerating that?

Do try not to feel guilty. You are not depriving your mother of anything that most normal parents of adult offspring need or want. I dare say many do have keys to the DCs' houses for sound practical reasons, but the majority would never use this to just barge in. Giving birth does not give you rights in perpetuity over someone's life. You bring them up, you let them go, and if they still want to be close to you that's a bonus.

The present thing is such a red herring. Does she never visit when you're in?

Sorry, only just seen the update and realised the first post is a bit old.

Your mum sounds like mine in the withdrawing of love as punishment.

Which is kind of how our relationship came to a head. She thought I'd withheld a document from her on purpose. Why she would think that ive no idea. My brother had been given the document but when they fell out she told him to give me paperwork, and it was a will and power of attorney which was mentioned to me. He gave me this paperwork, I was told to keep it by her and put it in a shelf.

Months later she started moaning about certificates of value for jewellery which she reckoned my brother had. I told him, he denied having it. Two months later I realised it was with her will, etc. emailed her and told her Id found them.

She emailed my brother and said Id kept them from her on purpose. She's paranoid and deluded enough to believe this.

She came round here to get them and refused to speak to me or even look at me. In fact what makes me so mad is when I answered the door rather than coming in she stepped back, allowing my puppy and dog to run out onto the road. If she had walked in as normal and as I was expecting the dogs wouldn't have run out. She refused to come in and I shouted at her to do so thinking the older dog would follow her while I chased the puppy. She stood there like a fuckwit while the other dog ran off as well. Made no attempt to help and I have no idea how the dogs weren't killed.

She was punishing me by being sulky and standoffish. Ive made no attempt to contact her since that day and vice versa. I doubt I will ever hear from her again as she's very stubborn. I certainly don't want anything to do with her.

Sometimes I think that maybe she thinks that ignoring me like this is her way of punishing me. My brother thinks when it suits her she will contact me again. But I think she's too proud as she will have to apologise and she won't.

I would send the key back without a note, without replying to her texts. Refuse to be drawn into a conversation about it.

Those of you that have dealt with 'tricky' parents - how have you coped?

Go not contact. Please.

Best things I ever did EVER!!!!!!! Freedom. Total freedom.

Even if you can't do it for yourself, protect your children...please x

Mrsrochesterscat - mine played the long game too, and we nearly lost our son to her manipulative games.

Your life, and it's a short one, so don't spend it being dictated to, and being controlled by someone who isn't even capable of love.

My DH and I have an anniversary of when we went no contact, to celebrate our freedom!

Good luck! x

I agree about needing to protect your children.

People on MN were horrified by things I posted which MH mum had said to dd. Told me I wasn't protecting her by allowing my mother to see her.

I took that on board and initially made sure they were never alone but even then there was still the opportunity for snidey comments, etc. I can recommend NC for sure.

Agree send her key back with no note.

ps, a few mentioned other posts by same user - how do you view previous posts by a certain user name?

gotabittricky go to advanced search and there is an option to search for posts by............

Then you put the user names in

Thanks everyone, I think I will send the key back, I'm sure she said it as a knee-jerk reaction tho, part of the 'punishment' for stepping out of line.

I have never actually used the key to theirs, only kept it in case of emergency (unlike her).

I'm only just really starting to lift the lid on my relationship with her, and it's not pleasant, I just know that things can't go on as before, with her pulling all the strings.

Thanks to all who have replied, and the PM I received too, it all helps ;)

Once you give the key back, you can fall out of line as often as you like.

Because she will have nothing left to blackmail you with. Send her key back and be free from this bitch - even if she is your mum - she is tapped.

Hi, just a little update.

I did return the key, and I took your advice and sent it special delivery (glad someone suggested that!)

Since then she has had a Birthday.
I sent a card and present from us all, but wrote a fairly non-personal card.
When she received it, she sent a really sarky thank-you text to me, in response.

Then, today, my first winged monkey (Atilla mentioned this might happen) started to fly towards me....

My Aunt, who lives in the US, (I'm in the UK), who I haven't heard from for absolutely years (except for a Christmas card), who has never made any effort to build any sort of rapport with me as I've been growing up, who basically does not even know me really, sent me a message on Facebook, asking for my email address, so that she can send my DS Birthday E-Cards!
His Birthday is not until May, and mine is before that!
Also, since I've been thinking about it, I wonder why she didn't ask my Mum for my email address?
I thought about replying, to say that DS has his own email address, and to send them to that, but then if she'd wanted either address, she'd have asked my mum. Which leads me to believe that it's just an excuse to contact me, and that actually, she's one of mums winged monkeys....

I haven't replied, and I've de-activated my Facebook account for a little while too (I spend too long on there anyway!)

What do you think?

Good for you - you spotted the winged monkey straight away. Get ready for potential drama llamas ahead.

It's exhausting!!!

Sounds like you've done the best thing.

I'd just tell your aunt that you don't accept ecards due to the security risk.

And continue to avoid your mother, doesn't sound as though she is on the same page as you over keys.

I'd ignore the aunt who "I haven't heard from in years" really.... if she's in US at least she won't be rocking up to your doorstep any time soon.

She's been roped into it by your mother to get to you (and your son!), why on earth would he be interested in birthday cards from a strange distant relative anyway all of a sudden.

Don't let them have you dance to their crazy merry tune!

she is ramping it up

Did you speak to your neighbour with the key / any other key holder to make sure they don't ever give her access too?

God, I really felt sorry for you, reading all that (and the other post). How unutterably selfish and mean!

No amount of firmness, refusal and assertiveness on your side will let you lose the moral high ground, so don't worry about how tough you have to get with her!

How old is DS? It doesn't sound a good idea to let her, or anyone allied to her, contact him without going through you.

Tell your psuedo-aunt to go and get fucked.

Job done. And yeh, ditch FaceAche as well. Very good that you gave your bitch-mum her key back. She now has no hold over you. Go NC, live happily ever after.

I predict she will become terribly terribly ill soon. Probably a heart condition with no way for you to verify. It will be fake.

Well done OP. It's not easy, is it?

Jesus. This is like a psychological version of The Crystal Maze. What the hell is wrong with some people? How dare they come into your house uninvited. It's outrageous. All these mind games is enough to drive the most stable balanced person completely insane. OP - I think your best bet is maintaining your silence and not allowing her to drain you of energy/confidence/happiness. She sounds like one of the Dementors.

I predict she will become terribly terribly ill soon. Probably a heart condition with no way for you to verify. It will be fake.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable - your prediction of illness is starting! Although, it's not a terrible illness....yet .....

I received a text today from Mother, it reads:

MESSGAE FOR : Hiya , I'm sorry we haven't had you over for a visit while you have been on school break, but I have a Summer cold and not been very well for weeks. I didn't want to pass it on to you as it makes my throat very sore. I hope you have had a good time during your holiday, and are looking forward to your new school year. Hopefully I will be better by half term and we can see you. Lots of love and hugs Grandma and Grandad xxxx

So this is obviously stage two of the ramping it up, laying it on thick about being ill over summer, although she could have texted sooner to let him know that, mind you (I too have had a summer cold, doesn't stop me texting/emailing people!)

Incidentally, she could have emailed him directly, but chose to relay this message via me. I haven't shown him yet.

I'm not sure what it is that I want, but I just know that having a relationship with her is not good for me at all. My son loves her to bits and is always asking when he can next see her.

Every time I see a text arrive from her, I get a massive burst of anxiety, and it takes me a while to calm down.
I don't really understand what's going on here, many of you are very good at explaining this stuff, what is behind this message that she sent today? It's not aimed solely at DS is it? Is she trying to make me feel guilty?

Could you block her number for a while? Or just delete her messages without reading them?

You are doing really well - I don't have first-hand experience of this (though my mum has recently said one or two things that have rocked me back on my heels - like hoping I would one day know what it was like to be alone, in pain and having to do everything - all because I wasn't able to get all the way to hers, to help her sort out and declutter before moving) - but from things I have read here, I can see how difficult it is to break away from such a painful and difficult relationship.

Definitely saving face at her failure to contact you, and also being disigenuous in order to fend off your anger.

It's a "neutralising" email, I think.

iPhones let you block numbers, if you wanted to, not sure about other types of phone.