Think my mum has been letting herself into our house when we're not even in

[lovedoughnuts]

Hi, I recently had a thread about my Mother who uses emotional blackmail / is controlling:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2328777-Mother-who-uses-emotional-blackmail

Since this event, I have noticed a few times, that things have been different when I've come home (TV on / toilet seat left up etc).

Anyway, this week, we've all been off work/school, and we went out for the whole day to London on Thurs.

Before we left, I fully locked the front door, and went around checking the lights were all switched off.
When we returned, there were lights left on all over the house, and the front door had clearly been used, as the door was only semi locked!

I was a bit freaked out by it, and we have now changed the locks, but I feel really concerned, that (if it is her) she thinks it's ok to do this without asking first if we'll be home. (And the fact that the intruder had left loads of lights on too!)

Only one other person has a key (my neighbour), and I have asked her, and she knows nothing about it.

Seems a coincidence that I stand up to her, for the first time, and then this starts happening!

[LidikaLikes]

OP, your DM didn't see you as precious and a treasured child.

Please keep your own DC at the front of your mind as you fight back against her wicked plots. Go NC, stay NC, do not put your DC in a bad position by having to deal with her type of crazy.

She sounds a lot like my gran, and she nearly fucked up my childhood. Actually I'm 31 years old and going through counselling at the moment for a range of issues - many of them have roots in my gran and her treatment of my DDad (her scapegoat child) and her treatment of me (as his eldest child).

Focus on your lovely family. You're doing the right thing.

[LuluJakey1]

Well DS is almost 9 months and we have not heard from her since he was about 4 weeks. We have blocked her emails now -well they are directed to spam and DH or I delete everything in there every so often. I have not noticed anything.
It is all about her feeling she has control I think and I took it from her. The worst thing for her was when I did not recognise her at my mum's funeral and I genuinely didn't. At the end of the service when everyone was speaking to me as they came out of the crematorium and I was thankng them for comng, I thought she must be someone my mum had known and I said 'Thank you so much for coming, I'm sorry, I don't think we've met before have we'. She was furious. She almost spat her name out and I said 'Oh, I didn't recognise you at all. Well thank you for coming' and moved onto the next person.
I was too upset about my mum to give it any thought but DH said in the car 'Her face!'
It was as if she had lost the power to have any impact on me.
I know I will never go back to any kind of relationship. My only connection to her now is her parents who I speak to every couple of months on the phone - because I care about them. We never mention her.They are in their early 80s and quite frail.
There is no chain to be pulled, no sense of family obligation.

[definiteissues]

She sounds mental :o

[lovedoughnuts]

Springydaffs - good point about the card being a monkey (I'll check again later to see if there's any wings on it!)

[lovedoughnuts]

Omg LuluJakey1, that sounds like harassment/stalking!

Do you think she's got the message yet?

[LuluJakey1]

It is amazing how these types all behave the same way.

I have a cousin who is almost the same age as me and we were both only children brought up almost as sisters. She was vile to me periodically, undermining me at any opportunity, copying me at others, saying the most awful sly things and then being very nice and pretending we were BFF to our mothers and grandparents.

I got fed up with it about 7 years ago and went NC.

The shenanighans!
Phone calls and texts - daily for about a fortnight, started off nice then just demanding. All ignored by me. Blocked her.
Emails- ignored by me.
Then cards almost pleading. Still ignored.
Then letters sent signed for - which I refused to sign for.
Then emails about her depression. Ignored
Then her DH , looking sheepish, called into my workplace with 'a note from ....' I told my PA to say I was unavailable and not to accept it.
Then an email from a mutual friend (more hers than mine) asking how I was doing. Ignored.
DH and I got married, another flurry of emails. Ignored.
Then DH got a birthday card - all jovial and friendly. They never got on and he is so easy going. Ignored.
Then she got her mum to ask my mum. I refused to engage and told my mum just to say she did not know anything about it and I make my own decisions.
Eventually she gave up and I forgot about her TBH over the last few years. Then she came to my mum's funeral and I did not recognise her -really didn't - and that infuriated her. The black anger on her face was like an energy.
Then I got requests on a family history site to share my family tree info with her. I ignored it.
Then I became pregnant and my aunt must have told her. The emails started again. I ignored them.

She does not want a relationship with me. She wants control. Am never going back there ever.

[springydaffs]

She didn't tell me her woes, it just was the TOP rule: to serve her lord and master. No discussion. Ever. Not allowed. Biggest crime.

Anyway, sorry for hijack op

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

Yes, I was expected to pander to the bully, to keep the peace, so no-one would "be in trouble". From a young age I was also expected act as emotional crutch to the enabler who whinged and whined and complained and martyred and dumped adult worries on my young shoulders. There was no space for me to have any emotions of my own.

Plenty of space now. Long live NC.

[springydaffs]

Yes, sanity/ketchup: my mum not only didn't protect me from my horrific father, she actually fed me to him. She expected me to be the martyr she is. My godly duty. Or something.

[SanityClause]

Absolutely, Ketchup (and incidentally, re your NN, chocolate must be one of your 5-a-day, too; it's a bean!).

My DH always used to be "my poor Dad". I pointed out that actually, his father effectively used him as a human shield, all through his childhood.* If MIL wasn't bullying DH, she would have been bullying him. So, he let MIL bully DH, to give himself some respite.

Yeah, we'd all sit back and let our child be bullied, wouldn't we?

*DH didn't really believe me, until he went to a counsellor who said the same thing.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

Bit of a hijack, but how do you go no contact if the other parent is 'normal' and brow beaten by the other

Carmen by recognising that the other person isn't normal. The other person is an enabler.

Typically they'll let anything slide "for an easy life".

They will stand by wringing their hands ineffectually while totally failing to protect themselves or their children. Just as bad as the bully. Actually worse in my opinion as a child of such a family.

It seems that bullies and their enablers (or abusers and their co-dependents if you like the modern words) often come from similar abusive backgrounds. They repeat what they've learned about relationships as children.

[BetaTest]

ketchup - she has already used the death of an elderly aunt to try and get me back under control.

lovedoughnuts - Thank you for posting this. Stay NC, stay strong.

[BetaTest]

I am sat here completely stunned by this thread.

I went NC with my parents 2 years ago.

My mother is literally playing out this thread with me and my children. I had no idea what a 'winged monkey' is but it is my sister.

Yesterday my birthday I got coordinated emails from my mother and sister asking for photos of our children. I almost fell for it.

Not sure what to do.

[KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable]

This is a game.

The aim of the game is to get you back into your "emotional punch bag" role.

She cannot do that while you refuse to engage.

She has tried several tactics now. None has worked.

She needs a punch bag. Punching people emotionally is how she deals with her own bad feelings. That will never change. Getting a new punch bag is a right pain: it takes years of training, preferably from childhood. She needs you or your DS to be her punch bag. She will go to great lengths to make it happen.

The illnesses will get worse. She may have "a break down" because you are so nasty. She may work on DS. She may plant suspicion in your mind that DH is cheating again. She might be burgled. She might have a fall or a minor car accident (that will seem major and have you dropping everything to run to the hopsital but will actually be a slightly grazed elbow). Oh the opportunities are endless.

Once you realise it is a game, you start seeing the plays for what they are. You are already seeing it.

[springydaffs]

Yes she is. Interesting there a monkey on it.

Narcs in my family and, I tell you, it is staggering how low they will go. Then they go lower!

Have you read up about toxic parents, narcs etc? You really must get genned up so you have some idea what to expect and aren't constantly shocked out of your boots.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Of course she is trying to get at you, this is all designed to keep you in the game she is playing. She will use your DH and DS to get back at you.

She has not fundamentally altered since you were a child. You are still her scapegoat for all her inherent ills.

The only thing you can do here is disengage entirely from her and be no contact. Your mother was not a good parent to you and she is not a good grandparent figure for your child either (who because of his tender years does not realise that he is also being manipulated here by his grandmother). She will emotionally damage your child given any opportunity to do so; she is playing the long game with him and she could well use him to get back at you.

[lovedoughnuts]

I should mention, that the text that I received today, was written to DS, as in "MESSAGE TO: DS's name" if that makes sense!

Also, she hasn't spoken to DH for a couple of years, due to him having an affair & various other not so nice things. I confided in her at the time.
It's his birthday this weekend, and while she'd normally send a fairly bland card with a fairly non-personal message inside, today, he's received a card, that's handmade, has a picture of a monkey on it, and the phrases "Cheeky Monkey" and "Keep Smiling" on it. Then she's written on the back a gushy message about how she hopes he has a really nice Birthday etc...

This is getting too weird for words - I'm wondering if she's now trying to get to me via DH!!

[Monkeyinshoes]

I think that is aimed solely at your DS. The way she talks about school break, back to school and signs off as grandma and grandad. She doesn't mention you at all.

I think she's sent that to you to show she's not talking to you but is to your DS. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I think she may try to use it against you in future. If she asks your DS if you showed him the message and he says he hasn't, then the message becomes a tool to drive a wedge between you and your DS. If she asks your DS and he says he's seen it, then she knows she still has some control over you.

[CarmenMonoxide]

Bit of a hijack, but how do you go no contact if the other parent is 'normal' and brow beaten by the other?

[TenForward82]

She is definitely trying to make you feel guilty. If you haven't, I'd suggest reading the "raised by narcissicists" board on Reddit - it may give you an idea what to expect and how to deal with it.

[DaddyPigIsMyParentingGuru]

iPhones let you block numbers, if you wanted to, not sure about other types of phone.

[pluck]

Definitely saving face at her failure to contact you, and also being disigenuous in order to fend off your anger.

It's a "neutralising" email, I think.

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Could you block her number for a while? Or just delete her messages without reading them?

You are doing really well - I don't have first-hand experience of this (though my mum has recently said one or two things that have rocked me back on my heels - like hoping I would one day know what it was like to be alone, in pain and having to do everything - all because I wasn't able to get all the way to hers, to help her sort out and declutter before moving) - but from things I have read here, I can see how difficult it is to break away from such a painful and difficult relationship.

[lovedoughnuts]

I predict she will become terribly terribly ill soon. Probably a heart condition with no way for you to verify. It will be fake.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable - your prediction of illness is starting! Although, it's not a terrible illness....yet .....

I received a text today from Mother, it reads:

MESSGAE FOR : Hiya , I'm sorry we haven't had you over for a visit while you have been on school break, but I have a Summer cold and not been very well for weeks. I didn't want to pass it on to you as it makes my throat very sore. I hope you have had a good time during your holiday, and are looking forward to your new school year. Hopefully I will be better by half term and we can see you. Lots of love and hugs Grandma and Grandad xxxx

So this is obviously stage two of the ramping it up, laying it on thick about being ill over summer, although she could have texted sooner to let him know that, mind you (I too have had a summer cold, doesn't stop me texting/emailing people!)

Incidentally, she could have emailed him directly, but chose to relay this message via me. I haven't shown him yet.

I'm not sure what it is that I want, but I just know that having a relationship with her is not good for me at all. My son loves her to bits and is always asking when he can next see her.

Every time I see a text arrive from her, I get a massive burst of anxiety, and it takes me a while to calm down.
I don't really understand what's going on here, many of you are very good at explaining this stuff, what is behind this message that she sent today? It's not aimed solely at DS is it? Is she trying to make me feel guilty?

[IguanaTail]

Jesus. This is like a psychological version of The Crystal Maze. What the hell is wrong with some people? How dare they come into your house uninvited. It's outrageous. All these mind games is enough to drive the most stable balanced person completely insane. OP - I think your best bet is maintaining your silence and not allowing her to drain you of energy/confidence/happiness. She sounds like one of the Dementors.