Mother who uses emotional blackmail

[lovedoughnuts]

hi, I've namechanged for this post, to avoid being recognised, but have posted on here before, about other issues.

A few years ago, I had to have therapy, which opened my eyes to the extent to which I have been suppressed/overly controlled all my life by my parents, I was so shell-shocked by this revelation, that I have reduced my contact with my parents considerably, to:
a) Protect my mental health
b) Find out who the heck I actually am!
c) Spread my wings a little.
I still make sure that my DS spends time with them, they treat him entirely differently, and he loves them very much.

This exchange may not seem that bad to you, but I have had years of my Mother always getting her own way, and bending/manipulating me/everyone to her will, that finally, I'm growing a backbone & standing up to her, and she doesn't like it. She uses the often mentioned FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

I am now 40 years old.

Recently, we had a death in the family. An elderly relative, who lives approx. 270 miles away. I hardly knew him, he didn't make much of an effort to visit us while growing up, and generally was 'distant'. We were not close.

I was told, by my mother, when the funeral would be.

It turns out that I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral, as my DS has to be collected from school at 3.20pm that day, and the funeral doesn't start until 2.30pm, so I wouldn't be able to drive 270 miles in that time! My H's Mum is abroad, so could not collect him, and none of the other mum's from school were available to have him either.
On top of all that, it's on Friday, and my work doesn't let me have Fridays off anyway, as I have to cover for a colleague who is not there.

So, I told my mother that I wouldn't be able to attend, and the reasons why.

the conversation went as follows:

Mum - Hiya lovedoughnuts, just to let you know if you want to go to the funeral it will be on Friday at 2.30. I'll send you more details. Love you Mom xxx

Me - Hi, just to let you know, I won't be able to make the funeral, I have to take DS to & from school, he has to be collected at 3.20pm, and also, work won't let me take Fridays off. Could you let me know the details so that I can send flowers? x

Mum - Oh dear lovedoughnuts. I was hoping you would be able to travel up with me, your Dad & Brother are going up early but I have to put dogs into kennel for the day so can't leave til ltr. Its a bit off if your employer won't give you leave for a family funeral. Your DS cud come too and meet some of his other cousins. Ah well never mind. I'll send u details. Love Mom xx

Mum - Sunday - Hey lovedoughnuts are you really sure you don't want to go to the funeral? You know he really loved you l u xx

Sunday - Me - Hi, I can't make it, and I'd like the address so that I can send flowers x

Monday - Mum - I don't understand why you can't make it, no company in this country would stop you going to a direct family member's funeral. And surely DH's Mum cud look after DS if you didn't want him to go to a funeral. I would really love you to come with me. Love Mom xx

Me - DH's Mum is abroad. I have asked the other mums at DS's school. DS was distressed at the idea of being at a funeral. I ask that you respect my decision & stop putting pressure on me x

Mum - What pressure? Xx

Since this exchange, I took a little breather. Then yesterday, she finally sent me the details of where I could send the flowers. The text was cold, and had no x at the end and this is how I have left it. She's clearly not hearing me, and I am now feeling the guilt for asking her to stop pressuring me!

It's as if she has already decided how things will be, and I just have to go along with it. Even if I was able to go, it wouldn't have been 'with her', as she puts it!

I'm already feeling guilty enough that I can't go, and she's saying stuff that makes it worse, like the 'You know he really loved you' comment etc (actually, he rarely bothered to get in touch).

I also know from past experience with her, that after the funeral, she'll pile on even more guilt, with "Everyone really missed you, they were all asking where you were" etc. I won't hear the end of it.

Funnily enough, when her own father died, she didn't go to the funeral, but that is obviously ok - nobody gave her a hard time about that. I don't understand the double standards.

So for once, I have not given in to my Mother's demands. I am now receiving the silent treatment.

I have always had trouble with her, if she doesn't get her own way, she uses guilt trips, manipulation, silent treatment/sulks, crying, getting other people to 'talk me round', etc etc, until she 'wins'.

The trouble is, each time she does this, she's pushing me further and further away, as I don't enjoy my relationship with her, and feel very anxious in her company.

She won't accept and respect me as an adult, always doubting my choices and subtly putting me down i.e. your Uncle says he thinks you're weird -- how am I meant to feel after that comment?.....

Even when I state my position/decisions, she assumes that I don't mean it, and am just waiting for her to 'talk me round'.

I'm so sick of it, and now I'm in her bad books again.

Thanks for reading.

[ginmakesitallok]

I think you are reading too much into it. Send the flowers and CSL your mum after to see how it went.

[ginmakesitallok]

Call not csl

[Miggsie]

If your parents are poor parents they will be bad grandparents. I suspect they will treat your son well until he starts having a mind of his own - like you did.

You are doing him no favours making him spend time with people you think treated you so badly.

The "your uncle thinks you are weird" is a classic bullying isolation tactic where you are painted as inadequate an unreasonable by a third person (who is absent and probably doesn't think this at all) so that the person talking to you can take the moral high ground.
A funeral is not a place for a small child to meet their cousins.

You will most likely need to go no contact/very low contact with her.
You also need to understand that she won't change and nothing you do, in her eyes, will ever be right. You exist to be criticised they think - you will need to remove yourself from the firing line.

Ring your uncle yourself and talk to him - don't rely on your mother triangulating for absent family members.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would further reduce contact with your mother otherwise you are going to be pulled back into her power and control games again. This is what all that above exchange was really all about. Such people never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions hence the "what pressure" comment.

You need to detach and completely disengage from them. If she was not a good parent to you it is unlikely that she infact will behave better ultimately around your child. They may well treat him entirely differently from the ill ways in which you were (and still are) treated but they could still get to you via him all the same. They are really a bad influence here.

You have two sound reasons for not attending this funeral, go ahead with your plans to send flowers instead.

She also has used and uses all the usual tactics such disordered people use; the winged monkeys are the well meaning but ill informed relatives or friends she uses to do her own dirty work for her.

If anyone has failed here, its your parents. Not you, they just find it convenient to make you their scapegoat for all their inherent ills. Its not your fault she is so toxic as a parent, you did not cause her to be that way. Her own family of origin did that. Your dad being a weak bystander of a man likely goes along with his wife out of self preservation and want of a quiet life; he has also failed here completely too to protect you from her malign influences.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What Miggsie wrote as well.

Continue to now bend over to your mothers demands. This is what her requests really are; for you to comply without questioning her.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

That should read:-

Continue to NOT bend over to your mothers demands. This is what her requests really are; for you to comply without questioning her

[SmillasSenseOfSnow]

I don't think you're reading too much into it, I know exactly what you mean.

You just have to find a suitable level of detachment to deal with it - if she keeps on, try again to point out that you're not going to play ball. She may or may not get it and back off (probably temporarily) so as not to let you get further detached.

If she rings or texts to say everyone was asking after you, etc., just give a fairly emotionless response of 'yes, it would have been nice if I could have been there' and let that end the conversation. If she replies with anything along the line of 'you could have been there if you wanted to' or starts going on about your work again, just give her the verbal equivalent of a shrug.

[lovedoughnuts]

thanks so much for replying, I like the idea of detachment, SmillasSenseOfSnow.
And yes, AttilaTheMeerkat, she has never apologised to me for anything.

I was the typical scapegoat, my brother was the golden child, and everything I do is somehow a disappointment. Except having my DS, that was the only time she ever said that she was proud of me.

Sadly, the uncle died a couple of years ago, so I can't ask him about the 'weird' comment, but it came after I'd been chatting to him at a party, and had a really nice conversation, so I was surprised to hear that he'd supposedly said it!

When I decided to have a career change and study accountancy, she said to me "Why would you want to do that, don't you know that all accountants are just really boring"

She interfered with my relationship with my first love, and when we broke up, one of the things he said was "Your parents don't like me".

She used to turn up at my work, and just expect me to just drop everything, just cos she wanted to chat about something trivial.

She is never wrong. If you dare to disagree, you're the bad one, and she will go on, and on, and on, and on about it.......

Yet, she herself is like a child. My father controls everything - her finances, all the household bills/paperwork, where they go on holiday etc etc. He's also very controlling. She kind of infantalises herself, in many ways (Sorry about the spelling). Whenever I ask her about anything, she will always say "I'll have to ask your Dad", so that he can make the decisions.

She has a very co-dependent relationship with my brother, which I always felt very left out of as a child. He is worse than her. He's in his thirties, and depends on her totally for pretty much everything!

Yeah, it's all coming back to me now!

[lovedoughnuts]

Oh, and I gave her a key to my house once, for safekeeping, just in case I got locked out.

Well, sometimes, she just turns up, and LETS HERSELF IN!

Once DH was at home, off work sick, and she just came in without warning DH was not pleased. Gotta get those locks changed.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Yes to getting those locks changed and asap to boot.

I would have a look at the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic mothers.

[pocketsaviour]

Yes change the locks! You might want to look up a book called "If you had controlling parents" by Dan Neuharth. It sounds like you are did good work with your counsellor so further work on raising your mental and emotional barriers should help.

My mother is PA and I have recently gone completely NC with her. Maybe permanently. It's such a relief to know I wont have to talk to her on a Sunday or deal with a succession of co-dependent "I'm worried about you!!" emails.

[lovedoughnuts]

Thanks for the book suggestion PocketSaviour, I'll look that one up