Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

meeting the OW tomorrow

118 replies

avocadogreen · 29/12/2014 19:43

ExH is picking the DC up for new year tomorrow. For the first time, OW will be with him. Yikes.

We split in March when I found out about OW. They have since moved in together, and moved about 3 hours drive away. For access visits exH always picks the kids up alone and takes them to his parents' house, she never goes. She has only met the DC once, exH has told me before she doesn't want children and doesn't want anything to do with ours. But this time they are all going to his parents' for new year together, she has only met them once before.

How should I act?! Polite? Indifferent? Ignore her? I don't want to make things difficult for the DC but at the same time, while exH and I are managing to be amicable these days, the thought of her just makes me irrationally angry. Perhaps she'll just stay in the car and I won't even have to see her?! I have never met her or spoken to her before.

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 29/12/2014 19:48

Gosh, that's hard.

Personally, I would be polite but it would be really difficult.

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat · 29/12/2014 19:51

What do YOU want? If you prefer her to stay in the car then tell him so. If, on the other hand, you would like to meet the person who, clearly is going to be spending time with your dc then say so in advance.

Tough one, but I think it should be your choice, not left to see what she feels like doing.

Good luck.

GertyD · 29/12/2014 19:52

Wow! Toughy. I would ensure I was aloof and glossy in her presence and then call my sister/best friend with a big glass of wine, and shred the bitch until I felt a bit better.

skinnyamericano · 29/12/2014 19:54

Being polite will completely un-nerve her, and you have nothing to lose.

If you aren't, it makes it very easy for him to say 'see what she's like, a nutter/cow etc etc'

Best of luck to you - it's easy to say be polite when not in that situation.

clam · 29/12/2014 19:56

I suspect she might be more nervous about meeting you than you are about seeing her, but that's her tough luck. She may well stay in the car.

If you do have to meet her, be coolly polite.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 29/12/2014 19:56

It's not irrational anger though is it? You have every right to be angry - with both of them. Sadly (or maybe this is a good thing as it means you don't need to decide) I think this is something they will control too. I mean, if she stays in the car you have to ignore her. If she comes to the door then you need to engage in some kind of conversation. Polite but indifferent if you can manage it. Good luck. I really feel for you.

Shedwood · 29/12/2014 19:57

First of all make yourself feel good, I don't mean slap on make up like a barbie doll, but make sure you're wearing clothes that you feel confident in, because someone who feels confident on the inside looks confident on the outside.

Also remember that it was you H that betrayed you, and now she's stuck with the lying, cheating shit bag. If you say anything to her it should just be something like "you have my sympathies" with a knowing, sympathetic smile.

Focus on the kids and wave them all off with a smile. It'll be tough but you can do it; good luck.

Original poster
avocadogreen · 29/12/2014 19:58

What do I want? Good question... I don't want to have to meet her, ever. She destroyed my marriage. She encouraged exH to move 200 miles away from his DC. According to him, she doesn't want the DC staying at their house and she doesn't want to spend holidays with them, which is why he is refusing to have the DC for any of the school holidays. Convincing him to have them for new year was a miracle.

And YES before anyone says it I know I should be angry with him and not her about all these things.

OP posts:
oneowlgirl · 29/12/2014 20:02

If you can manage it, I'd second being polite / pleasant - it'll set the right tone for your DC & more importantly it'll completely throw her off as likely she'll be expecting some sort of confrontation.

Good luck Op - hope it goes well as it's a truly horrible position to be in.

tribpot · 29/12/2014 20:02

Icily polite and poised with a faintly pitying look in your eye like 'got the booby prize didn't you? Nae luck'. I suspect she will stay in the car and you will have prepared your very best poise for nothing. Hope it goes okay.

Izzy24 · 29/12/2014 20:02

Could you drop the children with the grandparents before Ex and OW get there?

AlpacaYourThings · 29/12/2014 20:03

If you say anything to her it should just be something like "you have my sympathies" with a knowing, sympathetic smile.

Please do not say that, OP. I doubt lines like that ever have the desired effect. So embarrassing.

Go for polite and indifferent.

oneowlgirl · 29/12/2014 20:04

They both sound horrible & as difficult as it may seem right now, she'll have done you a favour in the long run. Hope you're ok.

JeanSeberg · 29/12/2014 20:07

Forget about her, your anger should be directed at him for giving up on his kids.

skyeskyeskye · 29/12/2014 20:09

When XH turns up OW always stays in the car. Hopefully she will do the same. Why take a married man though with DC if she doesn't want kids. They come as a package, not an option!

My XH has also moved away because of OW. It's hard on DD.

Just look smart , hold your head up high and handover the DC and ignore her.

Hedgehogging · 29/12/2014 20:12

Try getting her name slightly wrong. She isn't that important to you. You are cool and unconcerned with her. If she corrects you, she looks petty. Mwah hahaha! Or just be polite and super relaxed to unnerve her.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 29/12/2014 20:14

Also remember that it was you H that betrayed you, and now she's stuck with the lying, cheating shit bag. This. Whatever happens at handover remember you've escaped.

Do you have a friend on hand to be with you afterwards? Or even during?

theonewiththenoisychild · 29/12/2014 20:16

polite and indifferent i would go for. if you struggle to smile for dc just picture wringing her homewrecking neck... and his..... whatever gets you through it

Viviennemary · 29/12/2014 20:18

I don't think I'd be prepared to meet her under the circumstances. You've not even been separated for a year. It's too much to expect. I wouldn't allow her over the doorstep.

mineofuselessinformation · 29/12/2014 20:18

It depends on the age of the dcs IMO.
If they're old enough to understand, and you don't feel like speaking to her, don't.
If they're younger and it might cause them difficulties if they notice, then keep it minimal but polite.
Fwiw, I didn't speak for a very long time after she started to get out of the car, restricting myself to goodbyes to dcs, even when she was collecting alone (a whole other thread). Recently though, I have exchanged a few words with her because I feel sorry for her - after all, she's stuck with him and I'm not! Smile

MrsTawdry · 29/12/2014 20:19

Invite her in for a cup of coffee and smile nicely.

Rebecca2014 · 29/12/2014 20:19

I would ignore but it's likely she will stay in the car.

Vivacia · 29/12/2014 20:20

Calm, collected ice maiden. I would be civil and distant.

I think it's reasonable for you to tell your children's father that it's still too soon for you to actually meet OW and that she needs to wait in the car or perhaps she'd be more comfortable at a cafe or his parents?

LynetteScavo · 29/12/2014 20:20

I bet she doesn't even get out of the car. I think no more than a polite smile will be necessary.

mineofuselessinformation · 29/12/2014 20:21

And to echo others, if you don't want to meet her, tell xh. A simple 'I would prefer not to meet X when you are collecting the children' by text will suffice. If he forces the issue, he's an arse - but you can deal with it by standing in the doorway, handing out bags and not speaking, meantime talking to dcs about phone calls / when you will see them next etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread