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Original poster

meeting the OW tomorrow

118 replies

avocadogreen · 29/12/2014 19:43

ExH is picking the DC up for new year tomorrow. For the first time, OW will be with him. Yikes.

We split in March when I found out about OW. They have since moved in together, and moved about 3 hours drive away. For access visits exH always picks the kids up alone and takes them to his parents' house, she never goes. She has only met the DC once, exH has told me before she doesn't want children and doesn't want anything to do with ours. But this time they are all going to his parents' for new year together, she has only met them once before.

How should I act?! Polite? Indifferent? Ignore her? I don't want to make things difficult for the DC but at the same time, while exH and I are managing to be amicable these days, the thought of her just makes me irrationally angry. Perhaps she'll just stay in the car and I won't even have to see her?! I have never met her or spoken to her before.

OP posts:
Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 29/12/2014 21:01

Be collected by an attractive man in a glamorous car at the same time, dressed to kill. Wave them off with a sanguine smile.
Or make sure lo have been fed well on all the Christmas sweets and are suitably sticky.
Or (in the real world) icily polite. (So it doesn't freak out the kids) but with enough of an edge to show your disdain. And find yourself a distraction so you don't dwell. Flowers Wine moral high ground is always yours.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 29/12/2014 21:02

I think she'll stay in the car too.

Bright and breezy, a hello, if necessary. No more than that.

specialsubject · 29/12/2014 21:05

well, if you can be polite to him - the actual betrayer - then she is irrelevant.

if you don't want to see her, just say so.

she's not got a great catch there and she's welcome to him. Think of it that way.

Deserttrek · 29/12/2014 21:07

Nooo....! Don't do some of these things.

OP, don't try anything supposedly 'clever' or be untrue to yourself.

Keep the moral ground. You sound pretty together, under the circumstances. Why stoop so low.....

RudeBarbandCustard · 30/12/2014 10:22

Cool, calm, confident and inwardly happy is all you need to project.

She'll be as nervous as you are, as will your Ex I suspect.

Good luck OP, thinking of you. Once you get over this hurdle, the next time will be much easier.

Vivacia · 30/12/2014 10:32

Thinking of you too. What time are they expected?

(I love the idea of getting her name wrong, but I know I couldn't pull it off so wouldn't try).

Nerf · 30/12/2014 10:37

'Hi [ex] nice to see you' turn to OW, 'and this ones [totally wrong name] isn't it? Hello!'

NickiFury · 30/12/2014 10:42

I'd completely ignore her, just be normal with ex, you'll probably need to exchange information about kids etc. She simply wouldn't exist for me.

CaroleLJ · 30/12/2014 10:42

If the relationship lasts, she will be an important part of your children's lives. It would all be so much easier if it could all be civil.

My DDs adored their step mum. She is younger than me, successful and very glamourous. Once I got over the initial animosity I found she was quite a lovely woman (far too good for XH!) She was so supportive through the difficult teenage years - way more useful than he was.

Sadly, they have split as he has now hooked up with a girl a year older than DD1. Both DDs see Stepmum more than they see their dad. I feel quite sad for her- she put up with a lot to have him. Step parenting must be very difficult and to be thanked by him repeating his past behaviour must have been such a blow.

You're better off without him. She's the one who will have to live with the consequences

Waltermittythesequel · 30/12/2014 10:52

I would definitely ask that she hide her aversion to children as they didn't choose this.

Fuck the moral high ground. Ill bet she didn't even say that.

HoggleHoggle · 30/12/2014 10:53

I agree with indifferent politeness. The whole getting-name-wrong-on-purpose thing sounds great but in reality will be really obvious and I think would come across as a bit tragic. And you're not tragic, you sound wonderful and don't deserve those two shits snorting about you on their way home. Of course you know her name. They know you do. How could you not?!

HoggleHoggle · 30/12/2014 10:55

Oh - and have a wonderful new year too! Surely your happiness is the best revenge and it sounds as though you deserve a great time. From what you've said of the OW, your ex won't be having a good year.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 30/12/2014 10:56

The problem with "him saying she doesn't want kids" is that you're getting that information from HIM. Is it the truth? Or is he pinning that particular thing on her, as he knows you won't confront her? Is he using her as a way of ducking parental duties?

Keep in mind he's lied to you in the past, he will continue to do so. NOTHING he says is gospel.

Vivacia · 30/12/2014 11:01

That's the reason for mentioning it to her Alice. You get to hear her side of the story (perhaps) and you get the dig in ("Yeah, he tells me about your private conversations, how do you like them apples?").

RudeBarbandCustard · 30/12/2014 11:03

Please don't 'blank' her like some suggested. It will make you look bitter and petty, and give them ammunition to slag you off.

If you behave impeccably, politely and breezily happy, they will have nothing to criticize. Be the better person.

When faced with a difficult situation, I think of that Friend's episode where Monica leaves an answerphone message on her ex's phone and says "I'm BREEZY!". Makes me giggle, and I say it in my head (not out loud!)!

Oh and I definitely second the suggestion that you have a shoulder to cry on / drink wine and dissect the situation with afterwards. Don't be alone. Come here if you have no one in RL to talk to.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 30/12/2014 11:03

I can't imagine anyone being awful enough to take a man away from his wife and then show no regard for his poor children. I also think he's told you that so he can have time with her. He probably thinks he can see them whenever he likes.

If she really did say that then I think you need to remind him that not only does he have to spend time with his children and that they are his priority, but that over your dead body they could live with him too. See what she thinks of that. That's what happens when you shag a married father.

WannaBe · 30/12/2014 11:07

Can of red bull each for the kids and a crem egg before they go. (Wink) and be sure to tell them her name is actually cruella and likes to be called that.

AliceinWinterWonderland · 30/12/2014 11:08

I don't think the "how do you like them apples" is a good approach. This woman is going to be spending a lot of time around her children. Antagonising her is not going to help the children at all.

My sister went out of her way to do that... she taught her dds horrible things to say to the OW, coached them to be horrible by telling them terrible things about her, and my sister was dreadful to her as well. It only meant the OW was then dreadful to the dds. How does that help anyone?

The EX is the one at fault here. He's the one that cheated. He's the one with no backbone that is happy to dump his kids, regardless of whether or not the OW influenced it. He is the baddie. The OW is negligible. If it wasn't HER, it'd be another woman. She is nothing but a cardboard cutout, really, when it comes down to it.

Vivacia · 30/12/2014 11:09

I don't think the "how do you like them apples" is a good approach

I agree, and I don't advocate it.

NickiFury · 30/12/2014 11:15

I would ignore her because it's best for all concerned. I have a hairline trigger at the best of times and wouldn't want to kick off in front of my dc. Not only that I think there is an argument for not being TOO accepting of other peoples poor behavior in front of your dc. How will they learn decent boundaries otherwise?

My exes father had numerous affairs. His mum cried a lot to everyone about it but always took him back. Ex went on to be exactly the same despite claiming to despise his fathers behavior. There were no consequences.

Waltermittythesequel · 30/12/2014 12:14

I wouldn't mention it to be spiteful I'd mention it because you are perfectly entitled to look after the dc's best interests if their other parent refuses to.

AnyFucker · 30/12/2014 12:27

Good luck today, op

Rise above, rise above

HayDayRookie · 30/12/2014 12:33

You have had some great advice. Stay classy!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/12/2014 14:02

OP I hope it goes OK. As the others have said, calm, indifferent dignity. You will be so glad you did when you look back

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 30/12/2014 14:13

If i was in your shoes i would be polite as she is in charge of your children whilst your dh has them. Hard i know. Xx