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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

meeting the OW tomorrow

118 replies

avocadogreen · 29/12/2014 19:43

ExH is picking the DC up for new year tomorrow. For the first time, OW will be with him. Yikes.

We split in March when I found out about OW. They have since moved in together, and moved about 3 hours drive away. For access visits exH always picks the kids up alone and takes them to his parents' house, she never goes. She has only met the DC once, exH has told me before she doesn't want children and doesn't want anything to do with ours. But this time they are all going to his parents' for new year together, she has only met them once before.

How should I act?! Polite? Indifferent? Ignore her? I don't want to make things difficult for the DC but at the same time, while exH and I are managing to be amicable these days, the thought of her just makes me irrationally angry. Perhaps she'll just stay in the car and I won't even have to see her?! I have never met her or spoken to her before.

OP posts:

Snappynewyear · 30/12/2014 21:05

If I was you I would completely ignore her. Don't invite her into your house, she stays in the car or at the door. If you have to kiss DS in the car a few times, completely blank her.

Just because you've kept it 'amicable' I would rip his head off with exDH doesn't mean you need to even acknowledge the OWs existence.

Let's hope she is dying for a wee after a long journey because your toilet has just backed up and you are waiting for the plumber to arrive to fix it!

Snappynewyear · 30/12/2014 21:07

Apologies didn't read the full thread!

Ledkr · 30/12/2014 22:32

I've always acted fabulous and non phased by my x's ow.
I love seeing her look of puzzlement!!
Message is "you are welcome to him sister"

springydaffs · 30/12/2014 23:27

oh well done!

As for It will make you look bitter and petty, and give them ammunition to slag you off

so what. who cares what their opinion is, what they bitch about in private. Who gives a flying fuck - you can hardly respect their judgement. On anything.

Haha I bet she's skulking because she doesn't want to face up to the scummy thing she's done. All that doesn't want to meet the kids shit - real life shouldn't impinge eh.

Let them get on with their parallel universe. If you have to meet her in future, treat her like the help.

MzTickle007 · 30/12/2014 23:52

I think you should be civil and not make a scene in front of the children.

tribpot · 30/12/2014 23:57

The 'meeting' has been and gone, OP posted an update at 14:19 today.

LuluJakey1 · 31/12/2014 10:47

Tutt How did you do that uneven line through? I like that effect.

Sorry to go off- point .

tribpot · 31/12/2014 11:22

Are you talking about the strikethrough, Lulu?

You put two hyphens just before the first word and two hyphens just after the end of the last one. So if I removed the space before like and after this:
like this

I would get
like this

LuluJakey1 · 31/12/2014 11:57

I can do that, but if you look at Tutt's post, the strikethrough looks wiggly. Or is it just my ipad?

FryOneFatManic · 31/12/2014 12:12

I know the meeting has been and gone, but how certain is it that the OW doesn't want to spend time with the DCs?

The Ex could simply be putting the blame on her in preparation for being a prat over having the DCs, and trying to get out of actually having to stay very often.

tribpot · 31/12/2014 12:47

Must be a mobile thing, it looks normal on my laptop.

Original poster

avocadogreen · 31/12/2014 15:12

Fryone you are right, I only have his word for it. But the signs are there that he is telling the truth, although perhaps not mentioning that he feels the same. For example, I have offered to sometimes take the DC to his new place, or meet halfway, he has always said no. He did agree once, and from what the DC said, although they met OW she didn't spend any time with them, eg they went out for dinner with exH without her. Whenever he calls to speak to the kids it is always on his way home from work or he'll say 'I just popped to the shops so I can call you'. Suggesting she doesn't like him calling them from the house.

He is generally a good dad, he always turns up to pick them up for the weekend (although then they go to his mum's, who does all the work!) I know he misses them, he is often a bit tearful when he leaves. And when we have been discussing school holidays he is adamant they can't spend time at his flat, and that OW won't go on holiday with them. He claims he is going to take them away for a week on his own, though he is still not commiting to dates.

So I guess either he is telling the truth or using it as an excuse so he doesn't have to see them more. Either way it is pretty lame.

OP posts:

AlpacaYourThings · 31/12/2014 15:26

Why on earth would he get involved with a woman who is so shitty towards his children?!

OP, forgive me if this offends you but he doesn't sound like a very bright spark...

I don't think this will end well, but I suspect you already know that.

I'm really sorry you are in this situation.

Original poster

avocadogreen · 31/12/2014 15:34

Alpaca I agree, you really wouldn't believe he has a masters and works in a very senior managerial job... I have given up trying to understand it.

All I can think, knowing him as I do, is that in his mimd he knows that he has given up everything to be with her.. his home, his kids, all his friends, basically his whole life. So now he's doing whatever it takes to keep her, as if she left him he really would have nothing. And he's convincing himself he can make this 'double life' work- keeping her and the DC separate. But I don't see how it can last.

OP posts:

AlpacaYourThings · 31/12/2014 15:56

He just sounds very naive.

It must be really difficult for you to see it all and know what is coming.

If I was a betting woman, I would say that she will make it more and more difficult for him to be around his children as time goes on.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 31/12/2014 16:03

He sounds like a weak twat.

I remember your early threads- even from the little you posted about ow, you could really tell she wasn't a nice person.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 01/01/2015 21:25

I like the idea which was suggested earlier of getting her name slightly wrong, shows how unimportant she is to you. Above all, make sure you look fab and that the hallway looks nice and tidy for when you open the front door. Don't go making any sarky remarks as it will make you look jealous and bitter, just come on here and vent instead

springydaffs · 02/01/2015 00:48

And what's wrong with being jealous and bitter. I think anyone would in a situation like this. You can make sarky etc comments if you plain like - but without emotion. But only because emotion exposes you to attack etc.

Academic qualifications etc don't make emotional intelligence. They really are living a parallel universe, aren't they. What with her flatly refusing to accommodate his kids in her life.

Can't see it lasting, myself.

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