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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh smacked ds last night.

98 replies

MaisyTheCat · 29/12/2014 08:02

Dh has flu. He had an awful day at work yesterday and his stress levels are through the roof.

I went out, leaving him to do bedtime. I was worried he wasn't up to it, but he insisted he was fine. Ds's behaviour can be awful, he's 5 and we've had help from HV for his violent outbursts.

But last night I got a text from du saying ds was being violent. I said I'd come home but he said it was okay.
This morning, ds told me Daddy hit him once on the chest and on the bum.
There are no marks, dd didn't see but she heard ds crying.

Dh is still asleep, I don't know what to do. He's been so depressed and stressed forso long, I don't think he will realise how wrong he's been. I'm also worried he'll hurt himself.

OP posts:

legoqueen · 29/12/2014 08:12

Sorry this has happened, but your DH's behaviour is unacceptable - whatever the provocation (& actually it seems odd that you describe a 5 year old's behaviour as 'violent' but not your DH's behaviour). You need to protect your children here & it does sound as if you were concerned that something like this could happen, has DH lost control like this before? You absolutely do need to tackle this with DH as, however stressed or depressed an adult is, Your DC's safety & happiness is paramount.

TheyThinkImCool · 29/12/2014 08:20

Can I just ask, before he was depressed did he ever hit DS? I think you should book an appointment for DH at the doctors and go along with him.

FollowTheStarship · 29/12/2014 08:22

Yes please don't just let it slide because you're scared to confront him. Be calm but firm and say you understand he hit DS and you are not happy and you need to talk it through. Ask him exactly what happened and see if his story matches DS's and if it doesn't ask more. I would want him to be incredibly sorry and acknowledging that he lost it. Flu can be horrendous and I can understand how it would happen with a difficult child, but don't "let him off" and give him the message that it was OK, especially hitting in the chest.

Also I wouldn't be happy if I was left to do bedtime for 2 DC when I had flu, unless it was an emergency. That was a lot to ask.

I think if you are sure it was a one-off due to stress you can move on as long as he apologises to DS and explains he was wrong. Is he getting treated for depression and stress?

FollowTheStarship · 29/12/2014 08:23

Sorry I know you said "he insisted he was fine" but still. He wasn't fine.

Original poster

MaisyTheCat · 29/12/2014 08:28

No DH has never been violent in any way before. He has always been a bit grumpy but he would always remove himself from confrontation.

He went to the doctor a couple of years ago, went onto Prozac. He was on it for 5 months and came off saying he didn't need it.

I don't know if I should contact the police or go to my mums for a while. I'm massively worried about dh's health. But my children are more important and I don't want them to think violence is okay.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 29/12/2014 08:30

I don't know what to do.

You need to talk to him, find out what happened. I'd wait for him to start to stir, get him a hot lemsip (or whatever) and then talk to him calmly, find out what happened.

I know I had times when, if I hadn't been able to walk away, I'd have smacked my children.

paperlace · 29/12/2014 08:33

What does 'always been a bit grumpy mean'? I think it's important not to minimise his behaviour and open your eyes to anything you might need to see. Does grumpy mean sulky/subdued, or does it mean aggressive/shouty/critical? Does 'a bit' grumpy mean once or twice a week or 50% of the time?

LeBearPolar · 29/12/2014 08:33

How could he have been ok to do bedtime if he had flu?! Flu leaves you barely able to lift your head off the pillow, never mind go to work and put two children to bed. Your husband was wrong but it sounds as if he needs help and support for his depression and stress, as well as time to recover properly from flu which is a debilitating illness.

Original poster

MaisyTheCat · 29/12/2014 08:34

I realise now I shouldn't have left him. The kids are 5 & 7, so theoretically not that hard to put to bed (not like toddlers).
He is over the worst of the flu and had gone back to work. Onviously he wasn't as well as I thought.

OP posts:

defineme · 29/12/2014 08:34

I think letting someone with flu do bedtime was bad, but did you have to go to work or something?
I assume he has never done this before because you both agree it was wrong?
approach him calmly and hopefully you can agree on strategies to avoid this happening again.
if it helps, I know of 2 mums, both anti smacking, who smacked their ds at an older age having never done it before. Itwas the shock the mums neededto try new strategies with their ds and change the pattern of their own behaviour.

Bakeoffcakes · 29/12/2014 08:35

No you don't need to go to the police. It isn't illegal to smack a child is it?

There's obviously more to this than just this incident as you say your H may harm himself? I think a long chat and a trip to the dr is needed.

FollowTheStarship · 29/12/2014 08:36

I think it depends on his reaction. It sounds as if he needs more support and treatment and this should be a big wake-up call for him. I'd want him to go back to the GP, think about trying new ADs and having some counselling at least. If he can't see that it's a problem, or gets aggressive and defends what he did, or blames DS, then you have a more serious issue because he's basically saying he'd do it again.

He sounds as if he might be quite proud - saying he didn't need prescribed ADs, saying he's fine to cope when he has flu. If he's someone who sees poor health as an embarrassment or failure, then he's probably going to see poor mental health as even worse.

cansu · 29/12/2014 08:38

You need to talk to him. He clearly lost his temper. He needs to reassure you that it was a one off and you need to talk to him about walking away when he is getting angry. I would not be going to the police. If you did do this you would be bringing social services and all sorts of other things into your family. If you are frightened that your dh is likely to do this again then you should consider leaving, but from your op it sounds like this isnt the case.

jeee · 29/12/2014 08:38

As yet you don't know what happened. You don't even know whether your son was smacked. Talk to your husband.

Original poster

MaisyTheCat · 29/12/2014 08:39

A bit grumpy means, subdued, quiet, huffy. In the past it wasn't that often, recently it's been most of the time.

He had been off work with flu, he was getting better and had gone back to work

OP posts:

defineme · 29/12/2014 08:42

He has never done this before. He left no marks. The police won't be interested, assuming you are in the uk, it is legal to smack a child if it doesn't leave a mark.
I don't condone violence against children, part of my job involves helping people in abusive situations, but this sounds like lesser situation to me.
tell himhow shocked and apalled you are, ask him to re evaluate his depression, work together on how to deal with your violent child. Answering violence with violence is never the answer, but someone depressed, ill and ontheir own slipped up.

Coconutty · 29/12/2014 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 29/12/2014 08:45

Why are You are thinking of contacting the Police?

I'd probably try and speak to him are you worried about doing that?

Your ds being described as violent at 5 sounds worrying how does this present?

GobblersKnob · 29/12/2014 08:48

I think you need to know what actually happened, your ds's behaviour is obviously challenging from your own description.

Bowlersarm · 29/12/2014 08:50

The police? About something which is legal? What an over reaction.

Why don't you calmly have a chat to your husband about the situation, what happened, and how to prevent it happening again.

BelleateSebastian · 29/12/2014 08:51

Jesus! 'Call the police'? If your ds hadn't said 'Daddy hit me on the chest' I would think you were totally over reacting, that comment doesn't sit right though and you need to find out what happened when dh wakes up.

You describe your 5 year old as violent, in what way?

CinnabarRed · 29/12/2014 08:52

You really have to speak to DH before leaping to LTB.

FWIW, my DS has said that I hit him before when I absolutely, categorically didn't. He was 4 at the time. What I did do was grab his arm as he dashed across a carpark in front of a car, and it yanked him off his feet. DH was with us so saw it all - I would have been furious if, had he not been there, he had suggested leaving me off the back of DS's 4 year old version of events.

PitchWrapped · 29/12/2014 08:53

At the moment you only have your ds word for it, talk to your husband first

thegreylady · 29/12/2014 08:54

It sounds like one of those things which can and probably does happen in most families occasionally. A smack on the bum is not cause for the police. You just need to ask your dh what happened and agree to work together on managing your child's behaviour.

buttercupbear · 29/12/2014 08:55

Did he actually hit your child? I would be asking this before jumping to conclusions, if your dh says no and your ds says yes and has these problems, I may be inclined to believe dh if he has never done it beforetbh.

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