Dh smacked ds last night.

[MaisyTheCat]

Dh has flu. He had an awful day at work yesterday and his stress levels are through the roof.

I went out, leaving him to do bedtime. I was worried he wasn't up to it, but he insisted he was fine. Ds's behaviour can be awful, he's 5 and we've had help from HV for his violent outbursts.

But last night I got a text from du saying ds was being violent. I said I'd come home but he said it was okay.
This morning, ds told me Daddy hit him once on the chest and on the bum.
There are no marks, dd didn't see but she heard ds crying.

Dh is still asleep, I don't know what to do. He's been so depressed and stressed forso long, I don't think he will realise how wrong he's been. I'm also worried he'll hurt himself.

I ask this gently - are you looking for a reason to separate? I just get that vibe from your post; sorry if I'm wrong. But if you do want to split, then you don't have to have a reason other than it's the right thing for you.

I don't have flu, i'm not depressed and I am very happy with my family life. But I smacked my 4yo ds last week. I have never done so before and don't agree with smacking, but he was being an absolute horror throwing punches at the cat (not in anger, in play, but I'd repeatedly told him to stop antagonising him). He was leaning over the sofa with his bottom in the air, I saw red and before i knew it I had tapped his bottom (more to get his attention and stop him mid punch than anything). He initially turned around smiling because he thought I was playing until he saw the look on my face. What I'm saying is one smack doesn't make someone a bad enough person to call the police. A normal person like me, who doesn't believe in violence and immediately felt mortified even though i hadn't hurt him, can lose it with a child who is pushing all buttons. I never want to do this again and see that reacting in that way does nothing to model the good behaviour i expect. Had i been recovering from flu and feeling depressed I would expect my dh to step up and take the pressure. You were wrong to leave him with the dc, he was wrong to insist. You need to talk calmly about this, assuming it really isn't a regular occurrence. If he is that moody then he needs support to manage his stress levels.

Been talking, I'll reply properly soon.

Maisy I think contacting the police is a little too extreme, maybe just go to your mums house to give him some space. I am not condoning the fact that he hit your DS but I think you should let it go.

The hitting on the chest thing sounds horrible, and if it was 2 hits then tbh that really just isn't ok. It then isn't a situation of 'ds was being a horror, so I smacked him on the bum, I made a massive mistake' it's rather 'I totally lost my temper and hit my child more than once'. If it did happen how your ds said then how would you have felt witnessing it? I imagine you would have felt sick. Two hits is violence, not a momentary loss of control.
I'm not saying call the police or LTB, just that if your dh hit his son TWICE in a temper than that is absolutely not ok and the reasons behind it need to be addressed.
No parents are perfect especially if you have a challenging child but some things are just inexcusable.

I maybe over reacted with the idea of calling the police. I'm just so against violence in any way and after 2 years of trying to get ds to not hit out physically, I am blown away that Dh would smack.

He did hit ds.

He said ds had thrown a toy at dh's head, spat on the couch and then refused to go to bed. Dh had picked him up and carried him through to his room. Ds had bit, scratched and punched him. He lost his temper, turned ds over and smacked his bum. He said his hand had been on his chest when he turned ds over but he didn't hit his chest.

He is devastated with himself for loosing his temper. He in no way can forgive himself for doing it, just learn and move on. He's sat down with Ds and they've had a talk about what happened.

We are working with the school and the HV trying to deal with Ds's issues. I did call them violent outbursts, yes, because that is what they are. We have come a long way in the last 2 years and Ds is much more what you'd expect from a 5yo. He does still have a few meltdowns, but they are few and far between now. Usually they are brought on by being tired (hyper activity from over tired) or too much sugar.

I should not have left dh, I thought it would be an easy hour watching the end of a movie, milk, stories, bed and cuddles. I was selfish as I was going to meet a friend, not had much adult contact since well before xmas as dh ill and it was just us at home this year. I now feel crap about it.

Dh knows he should've left ds to have his tantrum on the sitting room floor, damage limitation till he'd calmed down.

CinnabarRed- No I don't want to leave him, I love him. But I do understand if I come across as wanting out. I just find his depression such hard work. He lived with me through my PND, I don't think it was easy for him either.

LittleLionMansMummy, thats exactly how he's feeling.

HoggleHiggle, Thats exactly what I thought, 2 hits is 1 past a hit out in anger. Dh said it wasn't a hit on the chest, Ds said it felt like it. After seeing Dh's reaction and knowing his history, I don't think he did. But I will be more aware now.

Thank you all for advice as well.

I think you've handled this really well OP. It was a shock and a worry, but you've talked and you've listened. I think your partner's response is a healthy, reassuring one. I think you should gently suggest he gets to the doctor's too.

I agree that you shouldn't over-react. My mother smacked me from time to time when I was little (and being a total horror). Very infrequently and it didn't hurt - was more my pride that was dented! I am not suggesting it is a good way to parent - far from it- but we are all human and can lose our rag occasionally. Agree with other posters that you need to speak to DH and get his side of the story. I think fathers often don't see how shouty/intimidating they can be and need to have it pointed out to them. Equally, I think that when a parent loses control of a situation and gets shouty and unpleasant it is right for them to apologise to the child afterwards and explain that they didn't handle it well. Otherwise you just model a really poor way of how to handle conflict and disagreement.

Totally agree with Quitethewoodsman.

I would be cross with H and we would be needing a sit down talk about how we discipline our child.
It would also be very out of character for DH.

Being ill and being provoked is NEVER an excuse for hitting out at a child.

Hitting a child for hitting out is never going to work anyway - the logic behind it would be madness.

You do need to sot out DS's behaviour - but a consistent approach together is what is needed.

Jesus wept, call the police? Massive over reaction based on the story of a 5 year old.

Now you have spoken to dh i hope you have given yourself a good talking to.

Now you need to get some drastic help regarding your ds, if he is doing this at 5 what will he do to you at 15?

Has he been assessed?

Most of us, if we are truly honest, have reached that point of complete exasperation with our DCs and have smacked. It's not a good idea and it doesn't solve bad behaviour but we are human and it happens. Your DH is upset by what he did which is a good thing.

Keep talking and draw a line under this. It's not the end of the world to give a kid a tap, particularly a tantrumming spitting one!

Agree with Myballs.
I don't personally know many parents who haven't reached that point at least once.

MyballsareSandy Mon 29-Dec-14 13:45:47
Most of us, if we are truly honest, have reached that point of complete exasperation with our DCs and have smacked.

....

I disagree. I have never smacked. Dh has never smacked. And I know at least 4 or 5 of my friends have never smacked. I know two who did but made a conscious decision never to do so again a few years back and never have.

Smacking at the point of exasperation is definitely not most people always do ime.

Also totally agree with Quitethewoodsman but also with Alsoflamingo's approach given that you are both taking steps to work on your DS's behaviour.

Given that your child is unmarked, I also think that the police would be a rather extreme over-reaction. You will either scare the living daylights out of your DS too or create a monster of the "you can't touch me" variety imo.

I disagree with others that it was unreasonable for him to do bedtime - I imagine it was a heavy cold rather than influenza. And if he was well enough to do a full day's work, it wasn't unreasonable to ask him to do bedtime. How much solo parenting does he normally do?

Actually I've never smacked, and in the past DS has been extremely challenging. The kind of challenging that a neurological disorder and lack of speech and frustration and fear can create.

But no. Never smacked him, never even felt like it, I've felt like locking myself in a room and crying, and I have done that, but not smacked.

That said, your DH did smack and it's done now, he didn't beat him. You both need support, a behaviour plan, and to both be on the same page with discipline all the time.

Also, I have a friend with a young son who is prone to violent outbursts and his parents have never ever even raised their voice to him.

They've gone for the completely calm 'let's talk about it' approach, which is fine as it's their kid, none of my business. I also aim for a calm approach with mine, but it doesn't always work. But this child is getting worse and worse as he gets older and I do sometimes think he needs to see his parents getting extremely annoyed and pissed off with him, he needs to know on occasion that he has gone way too far and it is completely unacceptable. It has come to a stage where the softly softly isn't working.

He doesn't care about the "mummy and daddy are extremely disappointed in you, please go to your room sweetheart" chat, af
ter he's told them to fuck off and broken a few things. it's not working!

Myballs, you don't have to raise your voice to tell a child off though, just change the tone, "go. To. Time. Out" usually stops my DS now and makes him cry and apologise.

But he wouldn't be bothered if I just said "Awww now why did you do that sweety?"

You should be supporting your DH, not pandering to your badly behaved DS asking what else mean old daddy did, whilst ignoring his awful behaviour. He was naughty, he got a smacked backside. The world will keep on turning.

IF DS has behavioural issues you need to get it looked into properly ASAP not 'help from the HV'.

It's just as likely he's acting like a small child without boundaries and no consequences for awful behaviour.

Children need boundaries not endless 'talking'.

Exactly hurricane. Effective parenting, not all 'poor baby'.

That's a good outcome OP really, it's great that everyone talked it over, DH feels bad and knows it wasn't ideal. It also sounds like an extreme situation where losing it a bit was understandable, and he's sorry. Of course that doesn't mean DS doesn't need firm boundaries, he still does.

Will DH be open to getting some further help? That's something that should come out of this if possible.

That sounds a really awful situation, and glad there's been some sort of resolution. Hope your ds gets some help, it can't be pleasant for him to lose such control. And horrendous for both of you to handle.