Dh smacked ds last night.

[MaisyTheCat]

Dh has flu. He had an awful day at work yesterday and his stress levels are through the roof.

I went out, leaving him to do bedtime. I was worried he wasn't up to it, but he insisted he was fine. Ds's behaviour can be awful, he's 5 and we've had help from HV for his violent outbursts.

But last night I got a text from du saying ds was being violent. I said I'd come home but he said it was okay.
This morning, ds told me Daddy hit him once on the chest and on the bum.
There are no marks, dd didn't see but she heard ds crying.

Dh is still asleep, I don't know what to do. He's been so depressed and stressed forso long, I don't think he will realise how wrong he's been. I'm also worried he'll hurt himself.

peggy Have a read, educate yourself, you might find it enlightening. Come into the real world yourself.

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/this-is-my-child

I also don't think you have undone months of learning- he's learned something which is actually true, which is if you continue to hit/bite/spit at others, sometimes they will hit back. This is true of his siblings and of other children at school- they won't just stand there and be his punchbag.

This is not necessarily true. My dcs have disabilities/SNs, and the only my ds1 would learn from this is that "oh I guess hitting is okay because daddy did it." We would be right back to square one. How do I know this? Because it happened. And it took MONTHS to get us back to where we were prior to that. Children with SNs often don't reason the same way as NT children.

Hitting a child does not teach them anything other than hitting is okay.

What annoys me more than drip feed on a thread (which tbh doesn't bother me at all - I totally get that people come on here to vent before calming down) it's people who don't read the thread properly. This has clearly moved on, the OP and dh do not need lectures about the rights and wrongs of smacking - they get it. We have established that OP's dh is in fact a pretty decent man and that they are all, as a family, dealing with some rough things. To those who have never smacked: good for you. You're either heroes or have very 'easy' dc. I hope your parenting is never questioned if, for example, your dc become 'harder than average' teenagers. OP please give both yourself and your dh a break. You are going the right way about dealing with your ds's behaviour: talking to each other and getting help from professionals. I suspect your ds is a much loved, deeply cared for little boy and you are doing your utmost to get through it as a family. I have some experience of violent meltdowns with my own ds, so I know you're not bad parents. Some dc just need extra help to express themselves in the correct way through a mix of education, patience and enforcement. Good luck with it and please continue to talk - on here, to your dh and to the professionals.

Ds's behaviour can be awful, he's 5 and we've had help from HV for his violent outbursts

To

just so you know, the last 2 years have involved HV, educational psychologist, behavioural psychologist, the school teacher and the school guidance teacher

Is a massive difference (drip feed).

Also, there's a massive difference between worrying that something will cause a child with SEN a set back and handwringing about calling the police, before you have even spoken to the other parent. Between being upset/ frustrated & disgusted.

Ds's behaviour can be awful, he's 5 and we've had help from HV for his violent outbursts

The fact that this comment does not even bring a flicker of a thought about the possibility of SNs to people reading it here on MN means there are still loads of people on MN that have not yet taken the time to read this....

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/this-is-my-child

I don't recall demanding. I suggested it. Clearly there are quite a few on here that haven't read it, so I made a suggestion.

If those people prefer to remain ignorant and cling to their misguided ideas, hey, that's their call. No worries, really.

But last I checked, MNHQ is still encouraging people to take the time to educate themselves on this issue. So I offered up the page to ease the way.

Carry on, dear.

The thing that struck me more than all the smacking palaver, having read the OP's post again, is that your husband is very depressed, and you were worried he might hurt himself if you talked with him about it. I think this is actually a huge problem for your family- I would also be worried about a husband in this state (my husband was depressed for a year and it was terrible). Could you persuade him to go back to the docs, as clearly he is still stressed, depressed and so on?

Quite I don't believe that MN has stated that we are limited to the number of times we have posted the link. I could quite happily post the link at the bottom of every post I do, if it meant one person took the time to learn something new about SNs. Quite frankly, I find your attitude rather defensive and antagonistic. That's unfortunate that you found my comments rude, however, you seem to have an issue about me posting a simple link to a campaign that is HEADED by MNHQ that is there to help people. It's puzzling why you find this so much of a bother. If you don't want to read it, obviously that's your choice.

I get what you are saying Alice, not all children would learn from that or may learn the wrong things.

However it is still true that if you go around hitting people or behaving in a aggressive manner, then sometime, someone who isn't sympathetic or understanding of your needs may just see the aggression and pop you one back. There is something very instinctive about hitting out when assaulted yourself. That's why curbing it is so important, for all children and why some children and adults with SN remain extremely vulnerable to assault by others (e.g. the child who always kicks off in class that then gets blamed/picked on/told off for hitting).

To be very clear, I am not suggesting hitting to teach this at all, not at all. However, some children may still learn something from someone lashing out- even if it is not pleasant and not very nice and not a recommended strategy.

thenapoleon I get that. Because the OP has already stated that there are some investigations into SNs with the child, I felt it important to point out that with many children with SNs, it can literally derail months of trying to teach them NOT to hit. People often do not realise that children with SNs process information differently and sometimes come to vastly different conclusions that an NT child might reach with the same information or situation.

be careful of overreacting. Wait until you hear what H has to say

Give your dh a break you shouldn't be disgusted with him. I have a ten year old with asd who has violent meltdowns it's very stressful.
I really don't blame your dh, what he did was legal just not your personal preference for parenting. ( am sure it was his either but he was ill and in a horrible situation).

Quite I said "still hadn't read it" because it's been on MN for ages. The OP has seemed to have already got a handle on the situation, so you nitpicking about every little word in MY posts seems a bit OTT.

Maisy

I guarantee that pretty much every single parent on the Hallow'ed Site of Mumsnet has smacked a child at least once.

I have, my dh has. We both felt awful - I still do and my 'incident' was seven years ago!

A vast majority of us are loving, committed parents adverse to using corportal punishment but we are human.

My middle dc is really very challenging a lot of the time and we are not always able to control our tempers in return - in fact I am now patting us on the back for only smacking twice between us!

By 'every single parent', I mean 'each and every', not lone parents