Dh smacked ds last night.

[MaisyTheCat]

Dh has flu. He had an awful day at work yesterday and his stress levels are through the roof.

I went out, leaving him to do bedtime. I was worried he wasn't up to it, but he insisted he was fine. Ds's behaviour can be awful, he's 5 and we've had help from HV for his violent outbursts.

But last night I got a text from du saying ds was being violent. I said I'd come home but he said it was okay.
This morning, ds told me Daddy hit him once on the chest and on the bum.
There are no marks, dd didn't see but she heard ds crying.

Dh is still asleep, I don't know what to do. He's been so depressed and stressed forso long, I don't think he will realise how wrong he's been. I'm also worried he'll hurt himself.

ds had thrown a toy at dh's head, spat on the couch and then refused to go to bed. Dh had picked him up and carried him through to his room. Ds had bit, scratched and punched him
To be quite honest, if I had the flu and was stressed and had to put up with APPALLING behaviour like that, I might very well have smacked DS once on the arse for that.

Just so you know, the last 2 years have involved HV, educational psychologist, behavioural psychologist, the school teacher and the school guidance teacher. I DO NOT pander to a badly behaved child with softly, softly parenting. He has been assessed but no diagnosis as yet. We have strict routines, rewards and punishments. Generally speaking they have worked so far. Compared to his behaviour 2 years ago, he's come a long way. This outburst may not seem like it, but they are few and far between now.

It is hurtful when people pass judgement on your crap parenting, when you're trying your hardest.

If dh had followed the rules, he would've ignored ds's tantrum. Ds would've lost his bedtime story and lost 10 mins of screen time. The hitting, biting etc wouldn't have happened because dh wouldn't have picked him up.

Because DH reacted the way he did, none of this could apply. They have both talked about what they did wrong and written it down in ds's behaviour book.

I still think dh should not have raised his hand, I am disgusted with him right now. But, he is normally a great dad, this was out of character.

I think your DH sounds like a good dad who wasn't well and was pushed just that bit too far and lost it.
He's said he's sorry and has talked about how to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Oh give him a break ffs, he shouldn't have done the smacking, but give him a break for not following the rules one time when he was ill and you were out with your mate. You might have not followed the rules if you weren't thinking straight either.

Sorry but calling the police is an extreme overreaction. Given the circumstances under which he smacked him he actually was very restrained. Your DS needs help and needs it fast. There is no perfect parent.

Sorry OP but I think that you're overreacting, your husband wasn't well and your son was violent. I'm not condoning the smacking but a lot of parents would probably have reacted the same way as your husband. I find it a bit strange that you thought about calling the police before even speaking to your husband to find out more about what happened.

How on earth could you expect a normal person to not react to a child throwing a toy at their head?

If you expect that of a person, eventually they will snap.

Your method of ignoring such horrific ourbursts of violence is not working and your dh obviously feels like it's not working

He had a bad day. DS behaved badly and learned that his father is human and is just as capable of losing his rag.
Honestly, I'd chalk it up and move on.

Your husband was ill dealing with a badly behaved child he smacked his bum overactive probably but he was probably at the end of his tether your sons behaviour sounds exhausting. I know you are trying different techniques is any of it working.

Major drip feed there Maisy. A bit like Niagra really.

DH smacked him. It's not a big deal. It's a smack. Get over yourself with all of the hand wringing.

DH hasn't been well, you have a challenging child. You choose to go out knowing DH wasn't well enough to be dealing with him calmly, the worst that happened was DS got a smacked bottom. The world will keep spinning.

Stop being disgusted with your DH and start showing him a little compassion. He supported you when you had problems, now it's your turn to support him. If you can't do that, then leave him, but don't escalate normal behaviour to 'calling the police' level simply because you're fed up of his depression.

I hope DS can get the help he needs.

Not answering your main question, OP, but I just wanted to send you sympathy as our DS is 5 and is also prone to violent outbursts at DH and me (and only us). Like your DS, he seems to be getting gradually better through consistent boundaries. I know how hard it is. Good luck.

Blimey the hysteria over the concept of a parent ever smacking a child is amazing. My parents smacked me on the back of the leg a few times when young and being particularly horrible; I survived and loved my parents very much. I have slapped my children on about three occasions, mostly through frustration or a reaction when they had deliberately done something dangerous. They too have survived to be extremely nice adults who remarkably still seem to love me . Total over reaction these days which I feel takes away something from genuine physical abuse.

Blimey the hysteria over the concept of a parent ever smacking a child is amazing

I agree. My mother didn't believe in smacking and she only ever smacked me two times, which didn't hurt physically but made me realise how extremely angry I had made her.

I did believe in smacking my dd because I did not like the emotional blackmail that my mother usually used on me. Now with my dgd, my dd does not believe in smacking and so far so good. But really the odd smack on the bum under extreme provocation is not the end of the world.

I also don't get the hysteria over smacking. Madness. On the chest is a bit much but sounds like he was at the end of his tether.

I find it a bit upsetting that the OP came on here for advice and support, and people are being pretty rude towards her.

I think the best thing to do is move on OP.

I think it's good you talked about it, both among yourselves and with DS. One of the biggest differences between my parenting and the way I was parented is that I talk to my DC. I tell them when I've changed my mind, I apologize when I've made a mistake. I think that's all you can do sometimes.

DH feels awful, he won't do it again. I'm sorry you're having a rough time with DS and I'm sure you're doing your best.

OP is getting an undeserved flaming - she didn't drip feed that much, it was already clear that the HV and school are on side with her DS's issues so we are not talking about normal naughtiness, and it was clear to me they're following a discipline system as they've been advised to. No pandering, just struggling in the face of some clear behaviour problems that have improved thanks to their approach.

Plus I can understand being in a panic about the hitting and not being able to clarify exactly how bad it is and what to do. So OP came on here to ask, took the sensible advice she was offered and talked it through with DH very sensibly. She has not actually called the police!

I agree starship. And this drip-feed accusation on posts is getting ridiculous now. An person can't possibly include every minute detail of their lives in their OP and so mention relevant details as required through the thread.

I don't see this as a drip feed at all. The OP said in her first post that they were getting help from HV for her child's violent outbursts. IMO that instantly indicated possible presence of SNs. I cannot believe that people did not put that together, and instantly went to "appalling behaviour" and attributed it to naughty child without even considering SNs of some sort.

For those that felt his behaviour was "appalling" and justified a smack, kindly take some time to read here:

www.mumsnet.com/campaigns/this-is-my-child

When a child has lots of violent outbursts, the worst thing you can do is react by smacking. Months (and years) of telling him that hitting is not allowed/not kind/not acceptable is blown away in that one instant.

In this instance, the OP's DH was wrong to smack, however, the OP has handled it well by discussing it with him and he sounds like he is unhappy with how he reacted and will likely not do it again.

In my situation, my stbx smacked my 3yo ds so hard that he left a handprint, lied about it initially, then blamed the 3yo saying "he started it" , and then said "so I hit him, so what?" THAT is LTB territory. (which is why he is my stbx)

The difference is the reaction to the mistake IMO. My stbx was adamant that he did nothing wrong and would do it again in a heartbeat. OP's DH admitted it was wrong, apologised to his ds, discussed it with both the OP and his ds, and has already discussed better ways of handling a similar situation in the future. That is a caring parent that has made a mistake that most likely won't be repeated. OP, I think you handled this well.

Well put alice

I'm sorry your DH had such an awful time last night and that he now feels terrible.

His actions, although not great, were of someone provoked and not able to cope - in the same way your son wasn't coping with going to bed and acting in a really bad way. To say you are "disgusted" with him is kind of extreme. It was one smack on the bum that your DH deeply regrets. Don't lay a huge guilt trip on him because he's already doing that. he isn't a child abuser.

It's clearly made a big impression on your DS (not a physical one!) if he's telling you about it the next day. Can you use this in a constructive way: "Yes, you were behaving very badly last night. You were biting and hitting. It's not nice when that happens, is it? What can we all do so that it doesn't happen again?"

sounds like your DS needs smacked more often given his awful behaviour - that's definitely not behaviour I would put up with from a child, or anyone else for that matter.

your DH done the right thing and should be supported not berated. as for calling the police and leaving him - seriously? I think you need to adjust your attitude and come into the real world.

Treating violence with violence makes as much sense to me as fucking for virginity or trying to extinguish a fire with a flame thrower peggy. I'm amazed at that attitude. I'm certain if a husband hit a wife you wouldn't support it, but hitting a child is fine

In this instance DH lost control, feels awful about it and they will move on. But let's not advocate violence as a great tactic for discipline.

Peggy, the ds is being assessed for SN, which explains the violence.
Whilst it's understandable the Dh snapped, there are better and more effective ways of dealing with the behaviour than resorting to violence.

I smacked my children a handful of times when they were little, in pretty much similar circumstances, when you and they have just lost it and in reaction to being hit yourself. I don't 'agree' with smacking, or use it as a discipline method at all, but I have smacked on rare occasions (not since the children were old enough for reasoning/withdrawing favourite activity or whatever to make sense).

I don't think you should be looking to punish your husband or be disgusted with him. I also don't think you have undone months of learning- he's learned something which is actually true, which is if you continue to hit/bite/spit at others, sometimes they will hit back. This is true of his siblings and of other children at school- they won't just stand there and be his punchbag.

I don't at all recommend that as a good ongoing strategy, but it isn't going to be, your husband doesn't believe in smacking and neither do you. But I also think it is very important that you present a united front to your child, that you are the parents in charge here, and that you are behind your husband. Any words of anger to him must be said in private. I wouldn't say things like 'daddy was very wrong to hit' to him- it's just fuel to the already ongoing power battle you have.

Luckily on the few occasions I smacked the children, my husband didn't act disgusted or make me talk it through with the children, he understood it was a truly exasperated act by someone at the end of their tether with physical bad behaviour (e.g. my dd once sank her teeth into my arm and I smacked her to let go) and left it as that. He didn't make me the one in the wrong, nor did he condone it, but he did help me out more/see that my stress bucket was tipping over as well as robustly helping with dealing with any bad behaviour.