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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

brother won't invite my (gay) partner to his wedding to avoid upsetting my mother

139 replies

lateblooming · 23/12/2014 16:29

My brother has so far been supporting of my lesbian relationship and we even stayed at his place.
It is not the case for my mother who holds the view that this is against the bible and a social shame.
Bro is getting married but told my gf is not welcomed as he wants to keep the peace. I think that this is his own marriage and he should be the one deciding on the guest list whether or not it pleases mama. I would like him to get a bit of balls to stand up against mama's tyranny...and against discrimination
Obviously if I was in a relationship with a man nobody would object.
Many cousins want to meet her and this would have been perfectGrin
I decided to drop it anyway and choose a better time to confront her.
She told me to 'watch what I am saying' when I Skype her at Christmas time as my aunty will be around. Angry

OP posts:
workingtitle · 23/12/2014 16:43

Do the rest of your family (other than cousins) know? If not, you could email all of your family to tell them that you are gay and in a relationship. Then you won't have to worry about your aunt etc and should your brother change his mind at least it's not a surprise for people at the wedding.
But yes, I think your brother is absolutely within his rights to minimise any drama and stress at his wedding, even if that means appeasing your mother.

BackInTheGame · 23/12/2014 16:44

I'm really sorry that your mum isn't being supportive of your relationship - that must be really hard. Yes ideally your brother should stand up to your mum on this one and make her see she risks alienating her children with her lack of acceptance.

I do think your brother is in a difficult situation though, as although nobody should allow prejudice or discrimination, especially in their own family, I can see why he would not want his own wedding day to be overshadowed by an argument between you and your mum.

I totally understand why it is important for you to introduce your girlfriend to all your family and to have your relationship accepted in the same way that your siblings' and cousins' relationships are, but maybe your brother's wedding is not the place to have this battle if he is not willing to stand up to your mum on this one? I guess in his eyes his mum is more important to him that his sister's partner so maybe isn't wanting to risk your mum not attending the wedding? I do see why you would be hurt though.

Bluetonic123 · 23/12/2014 16:48

I can absolutely understand that you were upset.

However, I can also understand why your brother doesn't want to make his wedding day into an opportunity to stand up to your mum. I imagine that his wife to be might not be keen on the idea as well.

Would you want family arguments on your wedding day?

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/12/2014 16:52

He probably just wants his mum to feel totally comfortable on her sons wedding day, and whilst her views are outdated and prejudice, she is entitled to her wrong opinion. His priority is his own mother over his sisters partner.

Maybe you and your OH could take the happy couple out to dinner after they get back from Honeymoon to celebrate their wedding? (In addition to you going to wedding without your OH)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 17:04

I think that workingtitle's suggestion to e-mail your family (not your mum though) about your partner is a very good one. That is your choice to make and it has nothing to do with the wedding. Be careful not to use the e-mail as a cats-paw to attend the wedding as a couple.

Tell your brother that you'll be there to support him (if you will be) but that you are naturally disappointed. It's one day, you can arrange something of your own if you want to introduce people to your partner.

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 17:12

Make a stand. Either she goes with you or neither of you go. 'Mama' and others need to know you have the courage of your convictions.

Mintyy · 23/12/2014 17:19

I'm disappointed in your brother, although I realise its not his fault that his mother is a homophobic bigot.

I fully understand your upset. Sheesh, that things like this still happen in this day and age!

JuanDirection · 23/12/2014 17:24

He has had to decide between you and your mum and he's chosen her. I certainly would not go to a wedding my partner was not invited to, it's an insult to both of you. I also wouldn't Skype your mum at xmas, she sounds bloody awful!

PlantsAndFlowers · 23/12/2014 17:25

I think that this is his own marriage and he should be the one deciding on the guest list

He has done, hasn't he?

Weddings are stressful enough, don't make it worse for him.

Guyropes · 23/12/2014 17:29

Im with cogito.

I am also wondering if there are further lengths your bro and other family members have to go to to appease your mother? He might be taking an especial amount of effort to make sure NOTHING upsets her on the big day? This is why people go abroad and come back married!

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 17:30

The brother is certainly entitled to invite or exclude whomever he wishes. However, by excluding the girlfriend he is also excluding the OP by default. No way can she go along solo and retain any kind of credibility now. So his decision is a pretty shitty one and he should be ashamed of himself

Nomama · 23/12/2014 17:49

No, he doesn't have to be ashamed of himself. He is stuck between a rock and a hard place and hopes his sister will forgive him - they both know their mother will not.

However, OP could discuss it with him, especially those other rellies who want to meet her... maybe an invitation to the evening do but not the church will satisfy mama's biblical needs and make the socialising possible.

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 17:56

If you don't want a scene at a wedding you tell the person likely to kick off that, if they spoil the day, they'll be evicted. You don't exclude everyone the troublemaker irrstionslly objects to. Cowardly

FolkGirl · 23/12/2014 17:58

Actually, I think your brother should invite you and your partner and if your mum doesn't like it, she doesn't need to be there.

"Social shame"? Does she not understand it's only small minded bigots who think like her?

Nomama · 23/12/2014 18:00

But probably what OPs family has been programmed to do for many years.

Blaming and name calling won't help. OP needs a good heart to heart with her brother. They both need to work out just how much they want to appease their mum.

Or OP could just cut contact and be miserable...

MiddleAgedandConfused · 23/12/2014 18:01

This is crazy - somebody remind me what century we are living in...?!
I can't believe how many people are suggesting that OP should accept that the gf is excluded.
Somebody needs to sit his mum down and point out to HER that this type of discrimination is not acceptable - and if the mother cannot attend without causing an argument SHE should stay at home.
Stick to your guns OP - if gf is excluded because she's gay, then sadly you are too.
Grrrrrrr.........

FolkGirl · 23/12/2014 18:01

Exactly, cog.

MerryMo · 23/12/2014 18:02

Probably not wise advice but why not publicly "come out" and introduce your partner to all in sundry this christmas.

That way - your mother cannot "hide" the fact.

It may or may not get your partner an invite to the wedding, but at least your mother won't be able to hide the fact any longer.

I would imagine this will cause huge upset to your mum this Christmas though and although I dont agree at all with her stance, would feel bad at upsetting someone at Christmas. I also really feel for you , having your mum being so unaccepting.

As for your brother he probably feels really crap but it is his wedding day and would probably rather have his mum there that his sisters partner (straight or gay). He is damned if he has you and your partner there and damned if he doesn't. He is going to upset someone no matter what he does, sadly.

Boomtownsurprise · 23/12/2014 18:06

I understand your feelings but your day doesn't trump his. He's made his views known.

Now. What do you're cousins say? See I think if there were more family in favour than not and mentioned they were looking forward to seeing gf and then all saying "but why isn't she coming?!?!" it would naturally sort itself out.

I'd be wary of making too big a scene simply because gf might not want to be stared at all day. This is a tricky one to sort out for everyone's pleasure.

KatieKaye · 23/12/2014 18:09

Basically DB wants to placate your DMs prejudices by excluding your partner?

If DM can't behave in a civilised fashion I'd suggest she should be the one who us not invited.

Your poor GF. She must feel awful. She is your partner and your DB gets on with her. The only person here with a problem is your DM. Excluding your GF isn't going to mean you aren't gay. It's just pandering to her. And it could drive a wedge between you and your DB.

Of course your DM probably hopes it will drive a wedge between you and your GF and you'll magically turn straight.

I take it that you are not going?

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2014 18:11

I really think that some people need to visit the stately homes thread, this has fog written in huge flashing neon letters all over it.

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 23/12/2014 18:15

Your mum is really out of line, obviously.

Feel sorry for your brother, he's in a difficult position.

If it were me I don't think I'd be able to go along and play nice at the wedding, I'd be so upset and angry. So probably wouldn't go.

What a situation.

MaryWestmacott · 23/12/2014 18:19

I think you are right to be upset, but also that he's right to avoid a scene at his wedding.

Agree with the idea that you make sure all the family know about your DP, avoid the chance of your mum hiding your DP.

But, tell your DB that you understand he's in a hideous situation and you wo'nt be the one who makes him 'chose'. You will come to the wedding alone, however you will tell people if asked that your DP wasn't invited to keep your mum happy (esp as you will have told them all about your DP first!), you won't lie to cover up your mum's homophobia.

Set against this, the person you need to have the 'show down' with is your Mum. The e-mail round might just spark that anyway.

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 18:32

I'm finding some of the reactions here quite bizarre. The whole problem centres on one nasty homophobic woman using religion as an excuse to cause trouble and yet everyone else bar said woman is expected to rearrange their whole lives, tell lies or be disloyal just to keep the peace. Confused

OP, if you cave on this and keep schtum on Skype for Aunty and all the rest you will hate yourself. Make a stand for the sake of your self respect. Go public.... be honest. Make the small minded around you see that you won't be bullied

OmnipotentQueenOfTheUniverse · 23/12/2014 18:41

I am a bit surprised at so many people saying to suck it up too.

If OP had a male partner and all other partners were invited except hers as the mother had taken against him for no good reason. Maybe because he was not white? What if OP had an Asian partner and mum said no it's socially shameful he shouldn't be there would everyone be oh well what can you do? Or it were children and all children were invited except OPs as mum didn't like their names or something.

I think it's really out of line, and if it were me I couldn't go and make happy with all the other people and their partners knowing mine had been excluded like that.

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