brother won't invite my (gay) partner to his wedding to avoid upsetting my mother

[lateblooming]

My brother has so far been supporting of my lesbian relationship and we even stayed at his place.
It is not the case for my mother who holds the view that this is against the bible and a social shame.
Bro is getting married but told my gf is not welcomed as he wants to keep the peace. I think that this is his own marriage and he should be the one deciding on the guest list whether or not it pleases mama. I would like him to get a bit of balls to stand up against mama's tyranny...and against discrimination
Obviously if I was in a relationship with a man nobody would object.
Many cousins want to meet her and this would have been perfect
I decided to drop it anyway and choose a better time to confront her.
She told me to 'watch what I am saying' when I Skype her at Christmas time as my aunty will be around.

Minty, reasonable question, do I expect to make their choices. No, I do not.

I love my children and respect their choices, even if they aren't my own. I love my children more than other people's perception of them. I will support them as they choose to live their lives, as long as they are kind, honest, reliable, hardworking and a good friends to their nearest and dearest

Lying Witch.... you are not pro gay rights. You don't think it's humiliating for the OPs DP to be told she is should not attend a family wedding because her presence is shameful. You would NEVER say that if the issue was racism. You are homophobic. If you were told you were not good enough to attend a family wedding and your partner went...would you not find that humiliating? Get real and get over yourself.

Aw bless you queen, you've not got a clue you!

Check out the OP's posts.

She feels her brothers wedding isn't the place to confront or make a stand.

Perhaps she's homophobic too

I can assure you I do have a clue. Putting up with shit from people like you for the last 25 years has been a good education.

I've read back up the thread in case I missed it, I still can't find it - where was it said that OP's girlfriend's presence would be shameful? I can see where OP's brother said that she wouldn't be welcomed to keep the peace.

The whole crux of this thread is about the OPs mother who is the single biggest problem and clearly is homophobic. OP's brother is trying to 'keep the peace' when both he and his sister, should be taking his mother to task.

You can call me names all you like Queen, your opinion of me doesn't matter because you're wrong - and rude.

If the brother kept the peace and the girlfriend was black your opinion would be different. Or would it? What's your answer? I am not rude btw you are homophobic.

Let's not play your game, Queen. You could say the EXACT same thing about a heterosexual partner who had not been introduced to family/friends but whom mother had taken a dislike to (without necessarily meeting them). Brother could want to 'keep the peace' there just the same. My brother actually did this with my other brother - he didn't like the fiancée and was disinvited to 'keep the peace'. None of us wanted to attend yet we did 'to keep the peace'. It happens all the time.

I was sufficiently interested in the definition of 'homophobic' to look it up. It describes an 'aversion' to homosexuals. I don't feel that way. I don't expect you to take that at face value. I fully expect you to turn this thread into a giant rant, chucking whatever ammunition you think will provoke a response.

I have better things to do, really.

The reason that the mum doesn't want the girlfriend there is that it is socially shameful & against the bible.

I agree with Queen TBH. OPs GF is not invited because OPs mum thinks homosexuality is a sin, and she would be ashamed to have her child with a same sex partner in public.

I mean taking the "not cause a ruckus" view I can see, but let's not pretend the OPs girlfriend's exclusion is benevolent.

Erm Lying if OPs mum didn't want her to bring her male partner because he was black, while all other partners were welcome, too fucking right OP would have every reason to be pissed off and extremely so and I agree with Queen that more posters would be saying OP mum was out of line, whereas in this case it's all "suck it up" which I find jarring.

There aren't any excuses for homophobia. By allowing people to make excuses, and colluding with them, you are condoning their behaviour ie homophobia.

"Keeping the peace" isn't keeping the peace, it's condoning homophobia.

People need to be challenged on behaviour like this. Including mothers and other family members!

The "what if the girlfriend was black, or disabled etc" is a valid point as same rules apply. Discrimination.

I am not playing a game. This is my life... Lived it ..living it now.

The OP is mindful that this is her brothers big day and won't be jeopardizing that experience for him.

I've read back through the thread, everybody is slating the mother, there's no disagreements or homophobia on this thread.

The only disagreement I could see is whether this is the right occasion to make a stance and introductions of the girlfriend on. That's it, timing.

Some think it is, some think that another occasion would be better for the girlfriend to get to know the family and also not give cause for the mother to tarnish the wedding day of the brother brother. If the mother is unreasonable enough to be homophobic, there's a fair chance she'll be unreasonable enough to make a scene on the day too, not something the OP or the brother would want.

Seeing homophobia where there is none isn't helping the thread tbh, nor is the associated aggression.

OP well done for this:

"@ the ones who suggested it: just did something maaaad and sent an Merry Christmas message with pics of me and DP, kill the rumour in my conservative family it is all in the open!"

Woohoo! I hope your family is positive and supportive. And if they're not, f* 'em!

It sounds like your mother is toxic. Would it help you and your brother to get some advice on toxic parents and dealing with them? Therapy and/or a book on the subject?

I don't think this is just about the wedding. It's a much bigger issue, isn't it? Do you wish your brother would stand up to your mother when it comes to other things?

I don't know when the wedding is, but it would be great if your partner could meet some of your family (the non-homophobic ones ) before then. So even if she doesn't go and you do, you won't feel she is excluded by the whole family all the time.
FWIW I think the right thing to do would be for your brother to invite your partner and tell your mother to behave or not come, BUT I understand he may not be in a place to do this yet, and may not want to choose his wedding as the time to make a stand.
Obviously your mother is in the wrong here, that goes without saying really.

I do not understand why this is a complicated issue.
Op is being asked to leave her partner at home because somebody else finds their homosexuality offensive.
I don't care if the event is a wedding, a birthday party or simply Xmas drinks. The event is irrelevant.
In a sane world, there is no excuse for this. None.
There is no argument that the bride and groom can justify this because want their special day to be trouble free.

Do some of you really believe that weddings are somehow exempt from the laws of common decency?

Queen... I don't think there is anything that I can say that will convince you otherwise. I have many gay friends. I imagine that I wouldn't have if they felt uncomfortable around me. I would never stand by and see them treated in any way badly/differently. I wouldn't stand by and see it in the street with people I don't know, either. I'm generally a fair person, or like to think that I am.

Perhaps there are no excuses generally for 'keeping the peace'. What excuse has the OP had for doing that?

We're maybe talking about cross purposes because I'm responding to an OP who hasn't hitherto felt sufficiently grounded in her relationship to tackle her mother or her brother. I don't know the OP but I did say upthread what I would do if I were in her place. Maybe it wouldn't be 'making enough of a stand' because I'd still want to see my brother married but I certainly would make one that leaves people in no doubt of my feelings and I would certainly handle my mum. Again, I'm thinking of my own mum as I don't know OP's. My mum says very inappropriate things and gets upset when she's pulled up on them. It's exhausting but pull her up I do.

I'm really very sorry if you think that I'm homophobic. I explain badly sometimes and maybe that's it but I'm also very sad to hear that you're living this day in and day out. I know that I won't feel what that's really like because I'm not gay so I don't know what that's like but I promise you, if we were RL friends or even acquaintances and out together, you would not feel in any way unsupported, not ever.

I'm sorry if I offended you, it really wasn't the intention at all. Please accept my apology.

I would like him to get a bit of balls to stand up against mama's tyranny...and against discrimination

Of course he should help you do that, just not on his, and his bride's wedding day!

It's their day, not yours to make your 'stand'

MiddleAgedandConfused

Its a complicated situation because the mother is controlling, possibly narc and possibly toxic.

Fear, Obligation and guilt mean that both the OP and her DB are conditioned to tiptoe around the mother and in most cases look for other people to blame.

Yes the mother is homophobic but the brother is conditioned in the same way the the OP is conditioned not to mention her partner during the skype top her aunt. Or does that make the OP homophobic too? (facetious comment)

For the OP...someone said earlier partners come and partners go but family is forever. I would say partners come and go but self respect if forever. They will treat you how you let them. Good luck and glad to see you standing up for yourself.

The wedding day isn't the time for confrontation but it's not like it's happening tomorrow. The OP has got the ball rolling with the photo message. ... perfect. If she runs a bit of a campaign between now and the wedding, introducing her partner to family etc then the whole question will probably become moot.

Is forever

Boney
These situations are as complex as you choose to make them.
For me, homophobia is wrong in any situation.
For others, it's OK as long as somebody in the room is wearing a long white dress.

Lying... I am a successful professional ( god knows how with my grammar and spelling) and I have a good life. I do feel that everyone of my generation ( I am 42) is tainted with homophobia and I include myself because that is how we were brought up. I have danced around my strict catholic family and I have let partners down. I now regret that, and I see through experience that they take my lead. Apology accepted and I am sorry if I seem aggressive. I just don't want OP to make the same mistakes I have. Also my current Gf has issues with her family and it hit a nerve. The good news is in my job and in my family the kids in their twenties don't give a damn about it. Taylor Swift has been rumoured to be seeing a girl and it's a non event.

That's incredibly naive. Forcing the issue will likely result in a "it's them or me" ultimatum, which means that OP's brother will be forced to choose between his sibling and his mum. And for someone who is probably coming from an emotionally abusive relationship with his mother, he will have been conditioned for the entirety of his like to a) avoid confrontation, and b) seek to impress his mother and get her praise, even though she doesn't deserve it. Even OP is still repeating this pattern, it's a bit much to expect her brother to be the one to make a stand. To say things like "he needs to grow a pair" just illustrates how little some people understand the dynamics of some families. It can be very like being in an abusive relationship.

The wedding isn't the place to make this stand, because doing so will only damage your relationship with your brother who will be backed into a corner, whilst your mother will paint herself as a victim. Introduce your gf to the rest of the family one-on-one before the do and then when she receives a warm welcome and people ask after her at the wedding, that'll be the ultimate "fuck you" to your mum.

Queen... Hopefully it's getting better with each new generation now. I've been thinking about this a lot this evening and I remember myself and my colleague starting a job at the same time. We both prattled on about our partners but hers was always in the third person. I didn't pick up on it until she said - and swore me to secrecy - that her partner was a woman. I was surprised that it was an issue but then again, how would I know? I accepted that it was for her though, we were working in a largely Catholic country and she didn't want to jeopardise her job. That made me sad.

I do understand what you say about making a stand. I remember promising a poster on MN when I first started posting here (I think she was called 'Sue') that I would do that - and I've kept that promise in RL, out and about, I'm sensitive to remarks but still need a nudge sometimes because the lines blur for me, hence reference to my brother's wedding. It's not really the same thing at all although there are similar circumstances. I too hope that OP can sort out her mother now that she's told friends and family. I think she's done half the battle there now, if not more.

It's very hard sometimes when you feel you need the approval of your family to do/be something that they've shown disapproval of. I know that THAT isn't the same because being gay is as fundamental as being straight, it's what you are, what is at your core, so being disapproved of for that must be devastating. I hope that your girlfriend can resolve her family issues. If I may say so, she has a hell of an advocate in you, Queen!

Thank you for your patience and listening to my rambles. Feel free to pull me up anytime.

Why would it be a confrontation if they all attended the wedding? Dm might not like it, but could probably compose herself for the sake of her son. The day is not the right day for a big 'coming out' in the same way it would seem odd to announce a pregnancy at a wedding ceremony, but after two years why can't they just attend and be honest about their relationship?
I don't think I'd go op, I'd tell my db the reason that gf wasn't invited and leave it at that.