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Original poster

brother won't invite my (gay) partner to his wedding to avoid upsetting my mother

139 replies

lateblooming · 23/12/2014 16:29

My brother has so far been supporting of my lesbian relationship and we even stayed at his place.
It is not the case for my mother who holds the view that this is against the bible and a social shame.
Bro is getting married but told my gf is not welcomed as he wants to keep the peace. I think that this is his own marriage and he should be the one deciding on the guest list whether or not it pleases mama. I would like him to get a bit of balls to stand up against mama's tyranny...and against discrimination
Obviously if I was in a relationship with a man nobody would object.
Many cousins want to meet her and this would have been perfectGrin
I decided to drop it anyway and choose a better time to confront her.
She told me to 'watch what I am saying' when I Skype her at Christmas time as my aunty will be around. Angry

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/12/2014 19:19

Look, I fully appreciate the OP needs to make a stand and instroduce her partner to the family.

I also firmly believe that a wedding should be a wonderful landmark day so I'd not choose that day to make my stand. As much as your relationship is important, it's not more important than your brothers wedding.

Why not show off your partner by visiting family members with her, that way they can get to know her properly and she'll probably feel more comfortable meeting a few at a time rather than polite conversation at a wedding and no time to get to know anyone. Meeting them individually would be more effective getting them all on side for the next event and showing your mum she's on her own with her views. There's no need to make the wedding your day to prove your point.

GoatsDoRoam · 23/12/2014 19:20

lateblooming how will you feel if you go to your DB's wedding without your partner?

(personally, I would send DB and future SIL a nice card telling them that you wish them well, but that you and your DP come as a package, and as she is unwelcome you will also not be able to attend this celebration of their couple. But be kind about it - you know how much FOG he is in.)

Fairylea · 23/12/2014 19:20

I agree with the posters saying your brother needs to stand up to his mum. Otherwise he is condoning her outdated homophobic views. I also agree with the others you should email everyone and come out to them etc. Your mum is holding some power because you haven't done this, she thinks she can get away with being like this because it's not "out there".

I have a very toxic mother. I lived with her until I was 31 and it's still taking me time to get over all the fear, obligation and guilt. I can see it in truckloads in your brother just from reading the post.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 19:29

Boney, I absolutely agree the problem here is the mother, no argument from me there. It's interesting though as I read the OP post differently and thought she (OP) was ready to make a stand herself, and wanted DB to, too.

OP what are you going to do, do you think? God, I hope you don't come back and say you've only been with your GF for a week because I will look like a tit Smile

bumasbigasthetv · 23/12/2014 19:32

To be fair to your brother, his mum and sister have been invited to his wedding. That is what matters, HIS family. It is not right your partner is excluded because it is a lesbian relationship but that his not his fight. He want both his mum and sister there, this is the compromise

Muckymoo71 · 23/12/2014 19:33

How long have you been a couple? I dont think the wedding is the right place to introduce yourselves as a couple but before make an effort to introduce her to all your rellies that you can Xmas time is perfect , then when the awkward question is asked to your mum/ brother they can answer. Fwiw I had a friend who wouldn't attend my ceremony because of her recently acquired faith and that really hurt.

EveryNight · 23/12/2014 19:47

I wouldn't be going to the wedding.

Queenofwands · 23/12/2014 19:55

The poster who said what if your Mum was racist was spot on. But we are not quite there with gay rights are we? Peoples reactions on this thread prove that. You know what I think you should do what's best for you and YOUR family. Tell your Brother you won't be going to the wedding because you are the one who will have to deal with a girlfriend who would be humiliated if you went alone. And tell him to make sure that he tells his friends the reason you are not there is because he didn't invite your girlfriend. Also tell him that you expect he will have a bit of bridge building with your partner., you wouldn't blame her if she chose not to have anything to do with him. In my twenties or even early thirties I would have felt differently , but I have found that if show a sliver of shame people will feel entitled to treat you badly. To conclude, Put your partner first and I am really sorry about your brothers reaction. You must be very hurt that he is enabling your mother. Think of the coolest lesbian and imagine her in this situation... What would she do?

Boomtownsurprise · 23/12/2014 19:55

I'm not seeing anyone agree here that DM is in any way right.

What nearly all posts suggest is that the 'confrontation' isn't the dear bro's to make. And certainly not on the wedding day. It's the Ops. And unless she is prepared to make a stand nobody else will do it for her.

It's time the op stood up For how she wishes to live. and that's not in any way easy at all.

FuckinUnderTheChristmasTree · 23/12/2014 20:01

Yes, I agree with EveryNight, I wouldn't be going to the wedding. I would tell your DB that as it's his decision not to invite your partner because your mum will be upset, it is also your decision not to attend his wedding as you feel he is snubbing your partner. If he can't respect your relationship you feel it would be hypocritical of you to support his by attending his wedding.

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 20:08

I'm not suggesting a confrontation on the wedding day . It's presumably quite some time off and that gives the OP a lot of opportunity to make the point that she's gay, in a relationship, and that she expects her girlfriend to be included in family events. Very simple

Timetoask · 23/12/2014 20:08

Boyfriends, girlfriends come and go, DB will be family forever.

ResponsibleAdult · 23/12/2014 20:11

So much good advice.

The OP wants to introduce GF to the family.

The DB is in a difficult situation, he want everything to run smoothly.

The DM is an antiquated dinosaur who needs to get a grip.

Someone up thread suggested send out a Xmas card with photo to family breaking the news, excellent idea, very clear, no ambiguity.

Don't put DB on the spot, on the day, say you and GF will attend ceremony, but don't need to be included afterwards if it will make life difficult for bride and groom, it's their day, not yours. Take them somewhere special afterwards.

Reign in your DM. It's between your and her, don't drag bride, groom, and GF into her nonsense. Really, gays have civil partnerships, adoption, surrogacy and now actual weddings, see Elton John and David Furnish, and why not, because your DM doesn't like it?... If it's acceptable for your brother, it's acceptable for you.

Your DM is a hypocrite, call her out on it. Good luck

HermioneWeasley · 23/12/2014 20:11

The brother has made it his conflict by humouring the mother's bigotry, which is the problem here. The OP simply wants to go her brother's wedding with her GF, and there's nothing unreadonable about that.

If the brother is willing to validate the mother's homophobia in this way he has to expect that

  1. his sister won't attend
  2. his sister will be incredibly hurt and their relationship will probably be damaged.

Personally, OP, I wouldn't go. And I would make sure EVERYONE knew why.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 20:27

How selfish, QueenofWands... the OP gets to neatly pass the buck to her brother and make him responsible for everything whilst she, the actual partner, sits back and doesn't take this up with her mother, or with her brother come to that.

I'm all for fighting for rights but how about OP actually stands up to be counted and demonstrates HER commitment to her partner?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 20:28

Boomtownsurprise says exactly what I meant to say in her post.

Haffdonga · 23/12/2014 20:33

YA all BU
OP's relationship should not be a matter of moral condemnation by anyone BUT somebody else's wedding is not the right place to take a stand and create a confrontation.
DB should be sticking up for OP BUT does not have to have his wedding hijacked to become 'Ta Dah!' moment for his sister coming out or a family show down.
The mother is clearly U BUT will lose this 'power' over her family as soon as OP comes out to the rest of the family and introduces her partner to them.

Joysmum · 23/12/2014 20:37

It's presumably quite some time off and that gives the OP a lot of opportunity to make the point that she's gay, in a relationship, and that she expects her girlfriend to be included in family events

That's a good point, I'd assumed it was soon and the girlfriend new Smile

If it's not, I'd go with what I said earlier and introduce your girlfriend to the family way before the wedding itself and let them get to know her (and her them) and to see how happy you are together

After all, if your family and your girlfriend are that important to you if have expected that anyway.

Speak to your brother and discuss this sensibly given that time will have passed and DG will be well known to your family by then.

Fairylea · 23/12/2014 20:38

Could you host a pre ceremony drinks for close family at your home with your partner if you are near to the wedding venue? It could seem like a really lovely gesture and make your mother look like the sour faced cow she is.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2014 20:38

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually

I don't think that the length of the relationship matters, the OP will have had to have put up with this since she came out to her "D"M.

But (as so many posters have put forward) it is her her fight to have (supported by her DB, His STBW and her DP).

ResponsibleAdult · 23/12/2014 20:45

Interesting points Haffdonga, thank you.

Your point that the mother "will lose power" is very interesting. The mother doesn't have power over their children's choices. The parents are there to guide and instruct, not insist. It's 2014.

I am a mother and I wish I had power to decide their choices, to suit my choices, but realistically I know I do not.

OP you need to make the stand for your GF to your DM for your choices, not your brother or his wife.

heyday · 23/12/2014 20:45

Whilst I can understand your brother not wanting to risk spoiling his wedding (and of course his brides wedding too) I personally would not be prepared to go along to the wedding without my partner especially if she is a long term established OH. You need to talk to your brother, tell him how you feel, tell him that you would like to have some special time together; you, your DP, and himself and DP but also the reasons as to why you can't attend his wedding.
Prejudice is everywhere and has to be challenged. It Doesn't always mean that the prejudice is going to change but it will certainly never change if it is left unchallenged.
Perhaps DM needs to be reminded of just how many people in the church are gay.

TheFourthLobster · 23/12/2014 20:51

What a mess! Your DM is BU, your brother is stuck in the middle and you are being ever so slightly U because, no matter how wrong your mother is, your brother's wedding isn't the occasion to take a stand.

Mintyy · 23/12/2014 21:28

"I am a mother and I wish I had power to decide their choices, to suit my choices, but realistically I know I do not."

Do you really feel like that Responsible Adult?

Enlli · 23/12/2014 21:28

OP why dont you and your girlfriend go to your Mothers house and confront her about this issue yourself.