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Original poster

brother won't invite my (gay) partner to his wedding to avoid upsetting my mother

139 replies

lateblooming · 23/12/2014 16:29

My brother has so far been supporting of my lesbian relationship and we even stayed at his place.
It is not the case for my mother who holds the view that this is against the bible and a social shame.
Bro is getting married but told my gf is not welcomed as he wants to keep the peace. I think that this is his own marriage and he should be the one deciding on the guest list whether or not it pleases mama. I would like him to get a bit of balls to stand up against mama's tyranny...and against discrimination
Obviously if I was in a relationship with a man nobody would object.
Many cousins want to meet her and this would have been perfectGrin
I decided to drop it anyway and choose a better time to confront her.
She told me to 'watch what I am saying' when I Skype her at Christmas time as my aunty will be around. Angry

OP posts:
Timetoask · 23/12/2014 18:49

Look, it's his wedding, he wants to have happy peaceful memories of the event. Just let it go.

PlantsAndFlowers · 23/12/2014 18:52

Cogito - because it's not the OP's fight. It's her brothers choice not hers. The OP can decide not to go if she chooses and that's fine, but in trying to dictate her brother's wedding guest list she sounds as bad as the mum.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 18:54

OP, what has your DP said about it?

Your DB needs to find some balls, it's 2014 not 1914.

If your mother doesn't want to see a lesbian at a wedding, she doesn't have to go does she? As PP said, it's her problem so let it be her decision. I'd have a hell of a lot more respect for your DB if he said "you know what mum, it's MY wedding and I want my sister and her family there. I'd also like you there but the ball is in your court".

What if your partner was black, or Jewish or disabled (for example). Should you suck it up then that she wasn't invited to the wedding for that reason alone? We should ALL stand up to bigots. (Sorry to be mean about your mum but really......

Enlli · 23/12/2014 18:54

I think that since you know how your Mother feels about your partner that you could just go to the wedding on your own or if you choose, not go at all. This is not about you, it's about your Brother, his Wife to be and their Wedding. It's not the place to cause bad feeling. Your Brother is paying a lot of money for this special day so its understandable that he wants everything to go well.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 18:55

Happy peaceful memories of an event as long as no lesbians are there. Or only no lesbians that are sleeping with his sister?

LeftyLoony · 23/12/2014 18:55

What Cogito said. All of it.
There's no way the OP should 'just forgive' her brother going along with bigotry.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 18:56

If you marry your GF, OP, will you invite your mother or your brother? Would he come?

APlaceInTheWinter · 23/12/2014 18:56

Your brother's wedding isn't the place for a 'confrontation'. You can choose to make a stand about your relationship whenever you want but it's a bit odd to expect your brother to make that stance for you on his wedding day Hmm

He gets to choose who gets invited to his wedding. You get to choose if you go or not. It's really that simple regarding the wedding. My DH hasn't been invited to some family weddings. I chose not to attend them. I popped my reply in the post and that was that. But then I think that no-one has a right to a wedding invitation but everyone has a right to decline if they feel unhappy about their invite in some way.

You seem to be tiptoeing round your DM regarding the Skype conversation, etc. Perhaps rather than asking your DB to make a stand, you should do so yourself. Only you can decide if Christmas is the best time to do that.

Joysmum · 23/12/2014 18:57

Personally I'd go to the church but explain to your DB that you'll go to the ceremony as you'd love to see him marry but will not be going on to the reception.

Finola1step · 23/12/2014 18:58

In your shoes, this is what I would do. Buy some nice "Happy New Year" cards and some stamps. Get a really nice photo taken of you and your gf over Xmas. Pop a copy inside each card with a little message such as "Jane and I would love to wish you all a Happy New Year" etc. Make it damn obvious that you are a couple. Send it to all family members. Job done.

As for your brother and the wedding.... I would leave any discussions and decisions for a few weeks. Send the cards, let everyone know.

Wombat22 · 23/12/2014 18:59

Im with Cogito. The only person in danger of ruining the day or causing "bad feeling" is your DM. Confused You should go with your partner and enjoy the day with your bro

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 18:59

Ooh this is making me really angry. Sorry for multiple posts, but why is everyone excusing this disgraceful discriminatory behaviour? She's a lesbian, it's not illegal nor is it shaming or anything else for her mother.

If the venue had said, sorry your lesbian partner can't come, you can bet posters on here would be frothing like fuck.

Donkeysleighbellsringing · 23/12/2014 18:59

I hope your DB has a rethink. Are you on good terms with his fiancee? Surely his wife to be also gets a say in who their wedding guests are?

Fwiw I think aunty should be put in the picture perhaps by a personal letter because even if your mother prefers not to openly acknowledge you are gay and in a relationship, it is unreasonable of her to expect you to hide this like you are ashamed. If you aren't ready for the reaction this might provoke, then your DB's wedding won't be the time for a public confrontation either.

CogitOIOIO · 23/12/2014 19:00

It absolutely is the OPs fight. She may not be in a position to dictate the guest list but there is an important principle at stake. If she turns up alone she's condoning the prejudice and caving to bullying,

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2014 19:00

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually

"Your DB needs to find some balls"

Spoken like someone who doesn't have a clue.

If its so straight forward then why is the op treading on eggshells around here "D"M?

Viviennemary · 23/12/2014 19:02

Your brother should be in charge of the guest list and should be inviting who they want to invite. If guests object to other guests then it's their perogative not to attend. Your mother should not be laying down the law.

Whether or not she is homophobic isn't the point. If she doesn't want to come as she doesn't like the guests then she should stay at home. You should make a stand as things could get worse as time goes on.

DandyHighwayman · 23/12/2014 19:02

If it's a church wedding then anyone can attend the church service.

Just sayin'.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 19:03

It's OP's brothers wedding. OP wants to introduce her partner to the family. The wedding doesn't need to be that event, does it?

OP has two choices, attend or don't attend. Her brother should understand her reasons for whichever she chooses.

I don't envy the brother or the OP. It's their mother who should be making it easy for her children to be at peace with their lives, not having to play games like this.

So, if you want to blame anybody, OP's mother is the obvious place to start.

nozzz · 23/12/2014 19:07

Has the brother made the decision not to invite the Oh himself , or taken instruction from his mother?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/12/2014 19:09

Agree with Joysmum about attending the ceremony only and BoneyBackJefferson about some posters being short on reality. I really don't believe that they'd make the stand themselves but, it's very easy on a chatboard to do just that.

If it were me in OP's position, I'd tackle my mum because SHE is the problem and I'd spike her guns by telling all of my family in advance that I have a girlfriend. Then I'd tell my mum that I'd done it and tell her how disappointed I am in HER, giving her no time to express that disappointment in me. Then I'd go to my brother and tell him that I want to see him married but I'll slip out after the wedding and he can enjoy his day with my love and best wishes... I'd then go out to a nice place with my girlfriend and have lunch together, make an event of the day with her.

That is exactly what I'd do.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 19:09

Boney, I assure you do I do have a clue actually.

I don't think the OP is tiptoeing, she said she had been told to tiptoe She told me to 'watch what I am saying' when I Skype her at Christmas time as my aunty will be around.

I think OP is more than ready to stand up to her DM, it's the DB being a wimp here.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 23/12/2014 19:12

Lyingwitch, I agree it's easier to "make a stand" on a forum, but I make plenty of stands in real life too and this situation would be one of them. I think making a stand against homophobia is important.

APlaceInTheWinter · 23/12/2014 19:14

But Yes no-one has a right to a wedding invitation so it's completely different from someone being banned from a public place on the basis of a protected characteristic or because they are part of a minority group.

The OP can go to the wedding or not. It's her choice.

I really don't understand people who try to make their upset over invitations into a battleground for everyone else. Of course, the OP should be fighting to be treated equally but she can easily make a stand over this by not going to the wedding and teliing everyone why, and she can make a stand over the Skype call. There are lots of options open to the OP. Forcing someone to invite your DP to a wedding isn't actually something that you can control in real life Hmm

simontowers2 · 23/12/2014 19:15

Brother needs to grow a pair and tell victorian mother what the craic is. If she threatens to kick off, tell her she's not coming - end of.

BoneyBackJefferson · 23/12/2014 19:18

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually

"I don't think the OP is tiptoeing, she said she had been told to tiptoe"

And from her posts she is going to tiptoe around her mother.

She is also doing as she has been told. Why is she doing that?

If the DB is so much to blame then why is the OP also doing as she is being told?

"I think OP is more than ready to stand up to her DM, it's the DB being a wimp here."

then why is she on here and not standing up to her DM?

"I assure you do I do have a clue actually."

Then why are you telling him to grow a pair? It isn't easy to go against years and years of controlling behaviour as I posted upthread this has FOG written large all over it.

lying is correct in posting "if you want to blame anybody, OP's mother is the obvious place to start."

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