Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Ideal age to get married?

117 replies

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:01

I married at 30 after four years of dating.

My sister is currently 25, and has been with her boyfriend since meeting him at university aged 18. They are very much a permanent fixture in each others lives, and are committed to marriage at some point in the future. Engaged to be engaged, you might say.

Tonight she asked me if she was too young. I was stumped. I have no idea how to answer that question. On one hand, they are such a committed couple, that getting married wouldn't make much difference. However, I have this gut feeling that 25 is still too young - probably because it was too young for 25 year old me.

So I'm asking you - if you could do it all over again, had you met your partner (current, not any previous marriages) at 18, and were now aged 25 - would you consider this too young for marriage?

OP posts:

30somethingm · 22/12/2014 00:07

People should get married to someone when they feel committed to them. 25 is not too young for people who satisfy that condition. People have children at a younger age, as well as get married at a younger age.

TheWindowDonkey · 22/12/2014 00:09

i would have married at that age...in fact i was only a year or so older when i did. The only 'right' age to marry is when you have met the right person to make a lifetime commitment to. That will be different for eveyone, and will depend on what they want from life. If your sister is happy, treated well, and heading for a life that will fulfill her or witha partner who will support and encourage her in that quest then i dont see why she'd be too young.

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:13

If your sister is happy, treated well, and heading for a life that will fulfill her or witha partner who will support and encourage her in that quest then i dont see why she'd be too young.

They really are a lovely couple. Excellent educations, combined six figure salary, have lived together since 22. They are equal in every way, well integrated with each others families.

She just can't shake a niggling feeling that she should just hang on until 28+

OP posts:

alphabook · 22/12/2014 00:17

I got married at 25, DH was 24. It's not about age, it's about the stage of life you're in. If you're committed and your relationship is stable (financially and emotionally) then age is irrelevant.

AskMeAnother · 22/12/2014 00:22

when you're ready.

there's no reason to wait until you're old, your bones are less flexible and your fertility is starting to decline before you get married.
don't shag around. marry young and be happy. as someone once said 'why delay moments of happiness?'

i did, incidentally, meet my partner at 18 and married him just before I was 21. we split up just before my 28th birthday. i wasn't happy with him but considering what a mess i was psychologically from a challenging childhood, and that he was abusive, that isn't surprising.

SingingSands · 22/12/2014 00:29

Well I met my DH at uni, when I was 18. We were very much committed to each other, moved in together after 2 years of dating, and bought our first property together after a year of renting. Then we bought our first family house when I was 24, followed by the birth of our first child and were married 5 months later - when I was 25!
So, that's my life story and if it's similar to your sister I'll say that 25 is perfect!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/12/2014 00:30

I'd encourage anyone up get married and have kids young. But even earlier than 25!

Marry and have kids in your early 20s then start your career in your very early 30s. No career break, no maternity leave. Perfect.

MsVanRein · 22/12/2014 00:31

I met DP at 18 and we are engaged - I'll be 25 when we get married this year. Age really is just a number when to these things - what's important is the relationship itself and the stage of life you are at so to speak.

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:36

Fan of Kirsty Allsopp by any chance WhatsGoingOn?

Did the higher divorce rates for young marriages worry anybody who married young?

OP posts:

30somethingm · 22/12/2014 00:36

Wow - start career in early 30s. It sounds like a nice idea but in practice...

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:42

I agree with 30something. I'd be more interesting in sorting out maternity, than telling women when to procreate... but thats a different thread.

This wasn't about babies (I don't know what their plans are) and this wasn't about when to pursue a career (both careers are very much started, so its irrelevant now).

It is simply about putting the relationship down on paper at 25, despite all the statistics that suggest doing so is doomed to fail.

OP posts:

HaloItsMeFell · 22/12/2014 00:45

Getting married isn't the problem, it's having children too young that's the the problem. I wouldn't exactly recommend getting married very young, but it doesn't horrify me, because at least it's easily reversible if it turns out to be the wrong thing. Whereas I would urge caution about having children before you are 25, and certainly before you are 22 or 23.

It also depends on how long you've been together. If a couple met at 21 or 22 after each having several other relationships, then it wouldn't really worry me if they got married at 24. Whereas if a couple had been together since they were 15 and had no other relationships to speak of, I think there is a pretty strong chance their relationship would be on its last legs by the time they were in their mid 20's.

Most couples seem to go through a period of itchy feet after about 7-10 years if they have never really experienced being young , free and single and had the chance to play the field a bit. It seems to become an itch that people need to scratch, irrespective of how they feel about their partner, and many relationships falter purely because the couple in question just met too young, even though they are actually very well matched. Had they met a bit later, and had more life experiences first, chances are they could make it work for life.

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 00:46

Sorry, what has earning a combined six figure salary got to do with anything?

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 22/12/2014 00:48

I don't see why not, I don't think twenty five's too young, and they'll have been together for longer than some people who marry when they're older. Also, there might not be the same pressure to get married and have a baby straight away?

Re the having children young and starting a career later, I don't know - but I have a friend who swears the best decision she ever made was to have two children whilst doing her PhD (and she still finished it in four years!).

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 00:50

Pressed send too soon!

In my experience some couples I've known that got together young split at circa 25. Some didn't. Some of those went on to get married. Who knows what will happen between them.

If your DS wants to get hitched then great. If she doesn't want to until she is 28 then she shouldn't.

When it came to getting married, I did so to partner up with my DP - what we earn and where are careers were at the time was irrelevant, totally unimportant to us being married.

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:51

Exactly the reasoning behind why this isn't as simple as it appears Halo.

I doubt she'll marry any time soon to be honest. But this is the first time in her life I've heard her mention it, so it is obviously becoming interesting to her.

When I married DH, it was because we had done tonnes of partying, shagging around, failed relationships and we were bored of it, and finding our quiet life together much more satisfying.

Now my sister hasn't done any of that, but she is a very different person to me. Whilst not formally religious, she is quite careful and spiritual. I can't see her ever breaking it off for more experiences - or even wanting or longing for those.

Who knows in ten years time though? She could be a completely different person by then. I just don't know what to advise her.

OP posts:

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 00:51

And 'start a career in your 30s' - you'll be well behind by then.

ByeByeButterfly · 22/12/2014 00:53

I will be 25 when I get married next year and think it's the perfect age.

Old enough to know what you want and have lived a bit of life but young enough of you want to get married before kids.

Sister got married at 30, other sister also at 30.

Both my parents married first time at 20 then again at 30 to each other.

Yet my partners parents married at 26 and 27 I think so about 25 years ago.

It all depends on individuals.

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:55

I mentioned finances and careers to make a point about stability and demonstrate their settled personalities. radio.

Would be a really crap stealth boast to post about my sisters earnings, since I see none of it, and earn nowhere near as much.

I discussed finances because debt was a large issue involved when I was choosing to get married. It is great that careers weren't an issue for you when you chose to marry your DP. Not everybody is the same. I was trying to point out that they are settled, comfortable and prepared to fund a life together.

OP posts:

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 00:57

OP - you see I don't identify with that 'I was bored and wanted a quieter life so got married' thing at all. DH and I are still having loads of fun and working hard, pursuing exciting projects and ambitions, hobbies etc experiencing brilliant things, travelling, really believe we have a great, exciting future in front of us - both with separate and joint pursuits. And I love that we're sort of doing all that together.

But we're all different, your sister will be fine I'm sure

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 00:59

Xpost!

Fair enough.

Plenty of people earn lots of money and aren't 'settled' in terms of shacking up/marrying etc. Not symbolic of being ready for marriage at all IMHO.

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:59

I want to ask this question again, sorry if I'm being pushy - but was anybody terrified by the stats suggesting that divorce is more likely if you married young?

I know divorce would feel like the ultimate failure for my sister.

OP posts:

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 01:01

Nope. But my DP is the young one. I'm sort of average aged. He's not worried either though.

Original poster

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 01:03

Seems like we are very different Radio! And that's not a bad thing whatsoever. DH and I definitely bonded over being exhausted by being in our 20s. Buying the house and dog was a marvellous change of pace for us.

I really wasn't trying to say that cash makes you prepared for marriage - it obviously doesn't, look at all the celeb divorces! - I was merely trying to show that they are successful professional people who could deal with making a commitment - not flouncy oversized teenagers like I was at 24/25.

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 22/12/2014 01:06

What's the ideal age to lose virginity? Have children? Get married? My answers are individual to me- my maturity, the relationships I was involved in? Who I was at the time,what I went through,my experiences and relationships all lead to different answers - as do everyone elses. Nobody's answer is right. Nor wrong.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5