Ideal age to get married?

[zaracharlotte]

I married at 30 after four years of dating.

My sister is currently 25, and has been with her boyfriend since meeting him at university aged 18. They are very much a permanent fixture in each others lives, and are committed to marriage at some point in the future. Engaged to be engaged, you might say.

Tonight she asked me if she was too young. I was stumped. I have no idea how to answer that question. On one hand, they are such a committed couple, that getting married wouldn't make much difference. However, I have this gut feeling that 25 is still too young - probably because it was too young for 25 year old me.

So I'm asking you - if you could do it all over again, had you met your partner (current, not any previous marriages) at 18, and were now aged 25 - would you consider this too young for marriage?

Of course you are right pregnantpause.

Its a decision only my sister can make for herself. The fact that I didn't have an answer for her made me want to discuss this further though. I'm learning a lot from this thread - mainly that relationships are unique to the couple, and whilst there may be trends based on demographics there really is no catch all rule for what is right.

I'm surprised that 25 is considered to be so young. I was 21 (almost 22) when I married my husband (who was ironically 25 at the time) we have been married 5 years and are extremely happy. I don't think there is ever an "ideal" age, it's about when you are ready as a couple. Like all marriages ours hasn't been easy, but I don't think being older would have made any difference

Most couples who skipped uni, got married and knocked up young that I know have now split and are divorced pre-age 30. They are now desperate for "crazy" nights out and one in particular parties with her nieces.

Most serious couples Who I know who met at the end of uni are still together though not all married.

I would say 26 would be the earliest age for me for the average person. Most early wedded folk I know, bar 1couple, were quite boring, acting 50 at 20 and didn't seem to have a social life independent of each other which I find sad.

But that is all only from people I know. I do however know huge amounts of married folk from the previous generation who married young and are still together.

I don't think 25 is too young to get married but but I think 18 is too young to settle for one person.... which is what she has done. People change so much between 18 and 30 that, unless they both develop at the same speed and in the same direction, the risks of growing apart are very real. Whether she marries or not, I hope your sister retains plenty of independence and accepts no restrictions

Completely depends.

I'm 24, wouldn't be getting married any time soon. But I think I have the necessary judgment for it, and I've done the whole "20s" lifestyle since I was 14/15, I just have other priorities (education, work, hobbies). My dsis got married at 25 to the most wonderful man. They met at 17/18 (she already had a child) moved in together at 19, bought a house and had a baby at 22 and married at 25. Some school friends etc are now married. I think it's 50/50 as to whether everyone casted a skeptical eye over the proposals. Some of them got married for a wedding not a marriage (IMO).

The first person I know from school is now getting a divorce after 9 years, a wedding, a house and two kids with her dh. She's 23! I think the problem in that relationship is that the first few years essentially don't count (hardly an adult relationship at 14, etc). Then after 18 it was baby, house, baby, buy property, wedding....divorce. Intense with a lot of change. They never had a stable enjoyable time as two adults- the kids are getting older (2+4) and now I suppose they're facing the music.

Your dsis's relationship doesn't sound at all like that, though. And actually I think the above scenario might play out regardless of age. If she is worried though, why not just wait until 28?

I met DH when I was 16 and married at 21 (he was 25). In hindsight I think I was too young and 25 would have been a better age. But, we're still together after 20 years so we must be doing something right.

I think cogit has it exactly right in that post. People naturally change so much from 18- late twenties and you are very lucky if you both change in the same way and still have the same goals/life expectations after you've grown up.

It's also so important to have some independence and I find it odd that some people have never been single their entire adult life. Going straight from depending on their parents to depending On a spouse.

I got married at 26 - ideal for me.

I don't think there should be pressure to get married at all. I think if you pick a perfect age to get married, then you will end up marrying whomever you happen to be with at the time, good or bad. This seems to be highlighted with 50% divorce rates.
I guess there isn't a perfect age. I think it also depends on what age you die at.
The average length of marriage in the UK is approx 11 years. So it may depend on what age you would like to start again

When it comes to marriage, never ignore a nagging feeling.

Interesting thread. I think that it all depends on the people involved.

I met my husband at 17, got married at 26 and had our first child at 29. A lot of people do seem to imply we missed out by shagging around or whatever- but I never understand this.

We are very different people with extremely different interests, degrees and careers. We have loads of separate friends and are more than happy to socialise separately. I certainly didn't feel stifled or that I couldn't grow while in our relationship. Again, I think it's completely down to the individuals involved. 26 worked for me.

I was always a little worries that my brother married too 'young'. This was less about age and more about life experience though. He essentially went from living with my parents to moving in with his first serious girlfriend and then getting married.

I had a slightly different path, with a mix of long and short term relationships (though I was a late starter), moving away to uni, living in London when I graduated. It meant that when I met DH I had a good idea of what I wanted from a relationship as well as what I didn't want. I felt secure in the knowledge that I was marrying DH as he enhances my life and makes me incredibly happy, but at the same time I know that I can function perfectly well independently. My personal thought is that ny brothers way of doing things means that you're more inclined to 'settle' as you don't really know any different.

All I would say as well is that the average age for marriage is on the up. Your sister is the age where the education system has spent about 15-20 years telling her what's right and wrong. If enough people have said 'oh your so young', either bases on statistics or projecting their own regrets from a generation who perhaps felt the only option was to marry and have kids, then there's only so much she can take before doubt creeps in.

Nobody can see into the future and, whilst hindsight is a marvellous thing, there are times in life where you just have to go with your gut. Detaching her thoughts and feelings from.those of others, if she is truly happy with her decision and wants to spend the rest of her life with this man then that's what matters.

crossed post but same sentiment!

Pls excuse early morning typos and missing apostrophes...this phone's bloody useless!

I got with dh at 21 (I knew him since I was 13/14 but drifted apart when at uni)
Got married at 25, at 30 I now have 2 children
I think if they're together anyway it's ok,

I think if someone asked me to my face 'am I too young to get married?' I would interpret it that they are wondering if they are doing the right thing on a general level rather than them being concerned about their age specifically. My answer would therefore be to turn the question back on them and ask them how they feel about their life, their partner and any worries they may have.

Because there is that situation.... and I've been there myself.... where you hit mid twenties with a long-term boyfriend, you've been together maybe five or six years, you get on fine & you've always talked about marriage etc. but the relationship is no longer quite the same and neither are you.

Surely the right age is whatever age you are when you have met the right person and spent enough time with them to know that they are the right person.

I married at 33 to someone I'd been with for 8 years. We split up when he had an affair 4 years later. So being older or delaying marriage really doesn't make any difference. It's the relationship that counts.

First marriage you mean?

25 seems fine.

That' so true Cog. I think when people fall deeply in love in their teens, and become joined at the hip they completely underestimate how much they will both change/grow into different people with different interests, views and aspirations a few years later. So many couples in their 20's who got together in their teens seem to be have such volatile relationships full of angst and in constant turmoil as they each try to cling on to the couple they used to be, instead of acknowledging that they have grown apart and should allow each other to move on. This is horribly compounded if there are already children on the scene.

I met my husband at 19 and he was 22. After 3 months, he went to my dad and asked to marry me. Was married at 20, first baby at 22.

I was very immature in my 20s, being married with children was like playing house. He was good looking, sporty, sociable. I was in a film about 'The perfect family'.

My youngest daughter is 27 and none of the 3 children are married due, I think, to my constant, "work hard, get a good job, travel, be independent' ramblings.

I agree with FolkGirl. I've had friends get married after being together so long because they thought it would give them a new exciting lease of life. One separated from her husband after a year of marriage at 25 because she realised marriage wasn't going to fix any problems they had or make them fall in love anymore than they already had. I'm 22 with one child and one on the way with no plans to marry my DP. We've been together 7 years and are happy as we are. My own parents marriage broke down after about 10 years of marriage and I wouldn't want the same to happen with children in the picture. They married at 23 with one child born. I think 10 years is pretty long to be married but sadly people change and drift apart and a marriage can't prevent that happening

I met DH at 15, started dating at 16 and have been together ever since. Engaged at 24, married at 25. We have just had our first child together a few weeks ago, I am now 28 and he is 30. We didn't live together prior to marriage but they was through location rather than choice as we had both followed career paths that required frequent moves etc until we married.

I was unsure in my early 20s whether 25 was too young to get married, but it was the right time for us (DH was 27 at the time). We couldn't be happier, had been together long enough to know we wanted to for the right reasons.

I think if you are lucky enough to meet your partner young, you are stable financially, the relationship is good for you both and you are happy, 25 is old enough. But I think it depends on how emotionally mature you both are.

I got married at 26, engaged at 25 and we'd only met two year before the wedding - although that does mean we'd both had other relationships and life experiences independently. I actually don't think that marriage is such a big deal if they are happy to commit already - the divorce stats are for those divorcing under 30, so many would've married far earlier than 25. The biggest issue is children. Marriage won't change their life, a new piece of jewellery and a new name perhaps but day to day life is the same. Having kids can make life unrecognisable and can really limit your career ambitions, exciting hobbies, travel and ability to have lovely things and them remain lovely. We had an accidental pregnancy so I was pregnant on our wedding day and had my first at 27. I actually think being married for a few years before kids is lovely, and 30 is probably an ideal age to have kids.

But no one is immune from divorce, it takes both of them to commit fully to working through the hard times. Some couples have an easy time for many years but spilt at the first bump in the road, while others know they can make it as they've already had a bumpy ride even in a short time.

As a PP pointed out, there are no guarantees of success or failure at any age. However, I think teenage relationships present a greater risk simply because the people in them are emotionally immature.... or more correctly, differently mature. A 20 year old woman and a 20 year old man are not often on the same page.

I note that the OP's sister is 'engaged to be engaged' - which is pretty vague with no dates set etc. I wonder if his enthusiasm is cooling and 'we're too young to get married' is something she's hearing from him. ... or if her own second thoughts are behind it... or if it's a reaction they're getting from elsewhere (family or friends)

Zara, no, the stats about getting married didn't scare me when I got married at 25. They did however scare me for a family member who fit married at 21, and is now divorced 2 years down the line. But they worried me because of the couple- I think they rushed into it, and not because of their age.

I don't see how you can afford to get married young these days.
About 28yrs would be my ideal.