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Original poster

Ideal age to get married?

117 replies

zaracharlotte · 22/12/2014 00:01

I married at 30 after four years of dating.

My sister is currently 25, and has been with her boyfriend since meeting him at university aged 18. They are very much a permanent fixture in each others lives, and are committed to marriage at some point in the future. Engaged to be engaged, you might say.

Tonight she asked me if she was too young. I was stumped. I have no idea how to answer that question. On one hand, they are such a committed couple, that getting married wouldn't make much difference. However, I have this gut feeling that 25 is still too young - probably because it was too young for 25 year old me.

So I'm asking you - if you could do it all over again, had you met your partner (current, not any previous marriages) at 18, and were now aged 25 - would you consider this too young for marriage?

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 22/12/2014 08:33

I was 25 when I got married and still together 10 years and 2 DC later - stats are just stats, not life advice

But if your sister feels too young to be getting married, she's too young. When it feels right she's old enough Smile

LostOnLand · 22/12/2014 08:35

Glitz - I really don't think spilting without marriage is an easier on the kids and it's up to the adults to make this as trauma free as possible, irrespective of needing legal proceedings. What is concerning is when a spilt does occur and one partner is left considerably worse off because they don't have the protection of marriage, or if something happens and you are not next of kin. Marriage is the easy way but there are other other ways to protect the relationship status and each partner in the event of death or a spilt but many, particularly the main carer, loose out financially.

BreeVDKamp · 22/12/2014 08:35

I did meet my DH at 18 (he was 20). Engaged at 21, married at 22. I'm 25 now and pregnant with DC1. It's about state of mind, not age.

pressone · 22/12/2014 08:39

Married at 23 divorced at 25 been together 5 years prior to marriage.
Married at 33 divorced at 46 been together 7 years prior to marriage.

Doesn't seem to make any difference, some marry young and it lasts, some marry older and it doesn't.

Second divorce was because we grew into different people heading towards 50 that we were heading towards 30. Exactly the reason that people say you shouldn't marry "too young"

gingerbreadmam · 22/12/2014 08:41

i think if she herself thinks she should wait then she should wait. there is something there giving her that thought.

i dont think theres any harm in waiting if they love each other and intend to be together for the rest of their lives then it doesnt matter if they get married when they are 25 or 45, being married wont necessarily change their relationship (although i have no experience).

Inthedarkaboutfashion · 22/12/2014 08:43

I got married at 20. We have been married for 15 years, have 2 DC are very happy and our mortgage will be paid when I am 42.
I know people who got married young and people who got married later and amongst both sets there have been successful marriages and failed marriages.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 22/12/2014 08:45

Lost I know it's hard on kids either way I learnt that from my parents when they split. My mum wanted to remarry but couldn't afford divorce and my dad never helped financially. Even when she died he didn't want to live with us but either he did and got benefits or we went in care and he got nothing. He also got some form of bereavement allowance. I just think some people marry In hope of happiness the same way some people have children hoping it'll fix a damaged relationship. I guess I'm just scarred by my own parents marriage

bananas123 · 22/12/2014 08:45

We are both 30 and have been married 10 years. We have never worried about the statistics. Both have had several sexual relationships prior to meeting each other. We have had a mortgage for 11 years with minimal parental help (They gave us 2k the rest we paid ourselves including paying for our own wedding in a 5 star hotel). We have 3 children, have lived abroad together, travelled, both have been to university (I have studied to post grad level).

I also have a professional career and haven't stopped for children and don't relate to the idea that having children stalls your career which is often stated on MN.

Neither of us are ready for the quiet life/dog owning time of our lives yet as that is more a retirement plan as we are only 30. We have separate social lives as well as a shared one. We are always out, but mostly separate now due to childcare.We are both really into music so attend a lot of nights out, do lots of exercise and see a lot of our friends.

We are each others best friend, great sex life and very attracted to each other. We have only fell out overnight once since we met and we have never had the usual mn arguments regarding housework or childcare as he just does it all without me ever having to ask him. It depends on the couple not the age.

Pipbin · 22/12/2014 08:46

I got married at 26, but I had had another very serious relationship before hand.
The age of getting married doesn't worry me, it's the idea of marrying your first serious partner. That said, good friends of mine met at school married just before uni and lived a married life at uni. Still happily married with two kids.

As for the idea of 'have your kids young and start your career afterwards'. What do you live on? Assuming the husband is at the start of his career too the chances are he won't be earning enough to support a wife and family for ten years.

ClumsyCrocheter · 22/12/2014 08:46

I married dh this year, at 25. It's a great age for me, as I wanted to have children before I was 30, but also wanted to have them in a marriage.
I never really did the drinking/sleeping around stuff, so I didn't 'settle down' with dh. I just met him, fell madly in love and knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.
Age is no guarantee of a marriage lasting. Getting married at say 30, doesn't mean the marriage will be stronger or last forever. It could still end in a year! It's down to the two individuals and the relationship they have, if they want the same things from life etc etc.

CogitOIOIO · 22/12/2014 08:50

Why did she ask the question? Why ask it at this particular moment? Why ask the OP particularly (does she respect your opinion)? That's the heart of this one. Not other people's testimonials.

GristletoeAndWhine · 22/12/2014 08:55

I married very young, 22, had been dating for 3 years. I would never do this again, or encourage anyone else to do it, it's far too young. I think you develop and mature a lot in your 20s, so for this reason, it's best not to marry until late 20s or 30.

Wigeon · 22/12/2014 08:56

I met now-DH at 18, started going out at 20, married shortly after our 24th birthdays. Now 2 DC and been (happily) married 11 years. No 7 year itch from either of us. I don't think we've changed radically as people either - definitely more that we've grown up together, by each other's side. Don't regret not having had a more wild 20s.

But that is pretty meaningless because neither of us is your sister or sister's DP!

thisisnow · 22/12/2014 09:24

I've been with OH for 10 years since I was 19 but I have no desire to get married so we never have! Smile

I think as pp mentioned it's different for everyone.

sydlexic · 22/12/2014 09:35

I think the ideal age is 97.

Marry the right person at 25 or 28 won't make any difference.

thisisnow · 22/12/2014 09:42

^ Grin sydlexic

Chunderella · 22/12/2014 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ludways · 22/12/2014 10:07

My mother was 17 when she married my dad, she always said she married the right man, she just wished she'd waited. She harped on to me and my sister about waiting, my sister was 28 and I was 37, when we got married, lol

Incidentally, even though they married young, my parents are still together and have been married 53 years.

Ludways · 22/12/2014 10:08

Sooooo, what I was trying to say, was to marry when you feel it's right, I think the fact she has doubts is a good enough reason to wait a couple of years.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 22/12/2014 10:24

I don't even know the statistics on the marriages of 'younger' couples ending in divorce. What are they?

So given that I am not even aware of them I'm far from terrified by them.

Dh and I were 18 when we met. Engaged at 19. Bought a house at 21, first baby soon after. Married at 24, second baby a while after that. Now we're in our early 30s.

I can't imagine just starting out with someone now. We've grown together. No baggage or complications. Everything we've done together has been new for both of us. It's been lovely.

His career was defined quite early on. Mine has evolved and flourished and I'm on a fantastic path. I've even squeezed some study in.

Everything is ours, the equity, the savings, even the debt we started out with. There's no issues.

We both have our own interests and time to pursue them. We have our own friends. We are integrated into each other's families.

I wouldn't have it any other way. The plan is we'll hit our late 40s with some disposable income, more time and independent children!

skinnyamericano · 22/12/2014 10:33

I married at 25 and don't regret that for a moment. We were living together, so it made no difference whatsoever.

What did make a difference was DS1 appearing 10 months later Wink. I think I would have left having children until quite a lot later, with the benefit of hindsight. We could have had a few years of working at our my careers, having plenty of disposable income, and being able to enjoy some lovely experiences together.

radiobedhead · 22/12/2014 11:06

OP I don't think these threads ever give a full picture because people love talking about how brilliant their lives are, and leave out information that doesn't fit the narrative.

But general consensus - no ideal age!

Abrico · 22/12/2014 13:27

I was 19 when I met DH, 22 when we got married. We are still happy together 11 years later. So, no, I don't think she is too young!

NurseDoctor · 22/12/2014 13:47

I think one thing that always amazes me is that people will often talk about someone being too young to get married (I had a few comments my way when I got married) yet these comments rarely crop up when couples have children. I know many people who had children as a couple aged 21-26 and rarely people thought this was too young. Surely bringing a child into the world who, if the couple decides to separate, will possibly suffer a great deal as a result, is actually in a way a bigger commitment than a marriage. Many of these couples have since split and are met with comments such as "oh at least you didn't get married"... but what about the poor child/children?

Please bare in mind my parents are divorced (when I was already an adult) and I do not in any way mean all children suffer if their parents split, I just mean I think having children is a far bigger commitment than marriage

Cloudymoodyrain · 22/12/2014 14:09

It's entirely dependent upon attitude.

I could have easily got married at 21 and stayed married. As it was I didn't meet my DH until some years later.

Other people would have to wait until they were 30 or even 40. There is no 'perfect' age.