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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"dh" anger and nastyness

84 replies

heatherruth · 20/12/2014 22:27

Hi everyone,

I am a new user but am needing some objective advice/opinions and would appreciate your thoughts so look forward to hearing from you. Obviously this is all one sided so who knows what he would write about me!

We have 2 kids, toddler and young baby. I breastfeed and co-sleep with babe as dh has gladly gone to spare room so he can get sleep (which he did with dh too). I'm tired and I do resent his lack of presence even if it would be just to acknowledge I'm up or to do an occasional nappy. He never bothers with me in the morning, he just starts work (works from home) and gets cross if I ask him to hold a baby while I run to bathroom as he always has work to do. Always.

During the day we do see him and he may help out at lunch but invariably it is met with resentment as he "has a business to run". He doesn't want my family to come round to help me out as he doesn't like them and complains that he has to work and I don't ask permission to invite people into his space. My mum is brilliant but is on eggshells when she is here. He has totally fallen out with my Dad so when I visit them at their house I am always met with stony cold reception on return and an interrogation which leads to him snapping and going into a rage about other issues with him. I personally don't think my dad is in the wrong but I am humoring dh as if I don't I feel more family members will come under fire and I will be even more isolated. My extended family are worried about this situation and being cut off by him as a method of control.

My children don't like him, dd has never ever wanted to go to him, he does nothing for ds and I am fed up of trying to buoy him up to avoid rows and his moods. When dd is really averse to him I try to overcompensate and be overly great towards him but he makes no effort and is actually quite cold and mean towards dd in resentment. I think the fallout with my dad has something to do with his jealousy over his relationship with grandkids (which is very good). I am constantly met with criticism from him over how I could get kids into a better routine or how to get dd to eat better/not spill food everywhere/better discipline, but he never contributes to any of this or helps her eat etc.

I am fed up today, we have all been ill and I drove a 100 mile round trip to his Christmas do yesterday so that he could enjoy himself. He never said thanks, he made me feel in the morning like I didn't have to do it (as I had nowhere to go with kids while he was at hotel) and then when I decided I wasn't going he went mad and said I had known for a week and was a bitch for backing out. I am constantly told I am an evil cow or a bitch in front of the kids and I really don't feel I deserve it. Sometimes I am snappy or ask things in the wrong way but I am pretty much doing everything on my own and may as well not have him. This is not as bad as some peoples' situations so I'm sorry for the long whinge but please let me know what you think.

Thank you and happy christmas everyone xx

OP posts:
HeartShapedBox · 20/12/2014 22:35

I think you should leave, or better still, make him leave.

he's a bullying, shitty control freak and you and your children deserve better.

seriously.

clairemum22 · 20/12/2014 22:36

I'm so sorry but I think he sounds awful. I don't see that you get anything positive out of the relationship? If your best friend was in this situation, what would you think? Take your own advice. I hope you can sort something happier out.

Fabulassie · 20/12/2014 22:37

I'm sorry that you are living this.

Frankly, I don't see this getting better. You and your children would be happier without him.

If you ask mumsnet mods to move this to Relationships you will get more replies and support.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/12/2014 22:37

You are experancing domestic abuse but I expect you already knew that and just needed someone to confirm it.

Clobbered · 20/12/2014 22:38

What are you getting out of this relationship? Anything at all?

Listen to your family. They are right.

ohdearitshappeningtome · 20/12/2014 22:39

ask mumsnet to move this to relationships

you will get some fab help there
Your worth so much more than that dickhead

OhCobblers · 20/12/2014 22:40

Easy to say LTB but for gods sake DO IT. He sounds utterly hideous. None of what you've said about his actions are acceptable in the slightest. As was said up thread he is a complete bully. You and your kids deserve more. Have a merry christmas and life without him.

Heyho111 · 20/12/2014 22:40

You sound in a very unhappy situation. I think you need to look at the future and where you see it going. Keep seeing your family you need them. Keep strong.

DoubleValiumLattePlease · 20/12/2014 22:42

You are in the grip of an abuser. You deserve and are worth a LOT more than this, as are your precious children. You need help to leave and there are some fabulous knowledgeable people on the Relationships board. I wish you well - and strength.

MinceSpy · 20/12/2014 22:43

You knew he was like this yet chose to have two children with him! He's abusive so what do you want to do?

APlaceInTheWinter · 20/12/2014 22:44

Gosh it's all about him. Somehow he thinks you and the DCs are inconvenient bit-players in his life. You deserve much better. He's supposed to make your life better. Instead it sounds like he's draining the joy out of you. It's a horrible example for your DCs.
Keep your family and friends close.

Jodie1982 · 20/12/2014 22:46

What makes you stay with him? It can't be for the Children as he doesn't do anything with them or for them, and they don't like him??

Don't waste any more time with him, chuck him or leave him. I'm sure your family will support you 100%.
Good luck

HoHonutty · 20/12/2014 22:49

What a total cunt. Sorry you've been putting up with this.

theeternalstudent · 20/12/2014 22:51

A relationship should be a positive thing. It should add to your life and it really doesn't sound like either of you are getting a lot from it. I think it's time for a serious conversation with him about what you both want as what you have just isn't working. Good luck.

MyIronLung · 20/12/2014 22:51

Your 'd'h sounds awful. Please don't stay in such an horrible situation, it won't get better.
You and your kids deserve so much more. You need to stop minimising
This is not as bad as some peoples' situations so I'm sorry for the long whinge but please let me know what you think

It is bad and you shouldn't have to live on egg shells around someone who clearly doesn't give a flying fuck about his family.

Poppet1974 · 20/12/2014 22:59

You are being abused, make no mistake about it!
Your family are right to be worried, he's trying to alienate you from them, that's what the moody silence is about after you visit your family. He's trying to make it so bad that you'll feel visiting your family isn't worth it because of what you have to endure when you get home.
It's deliberate, he's a conniving, manipulating abuser and things will in all likelihood get worse not better.
Get out of this situation, if not for yourself then for your children.
Best wishes

500Decibels · 20/12/2014 22:59

You should leave him. It sounds like you have a supportive family who ll help you to do this. Please speak to them.
You do not need to be living this unhappy life.

pilates · 20/12/2014 23:12

Your house doesn't sound a nice place to bring up kids with him as a father. Does he know how unhappy you are? Please think about life without him. Better for you and the children.

minibmw2010 · 20/12/2014 23:17

Move in with your parents, I think they'd happily help. As you say your kids don't like him (and that's so sad, they're so tiny), move on.

NanaNina · 20/12/2014 23:18

I usually get really frustrated when everyone comes on saying Leave Him, as it's so hard to tell from a few lines of text about a relationship. However in your case I think everyone is right - he is definitely abusing and controlling you - coercive control - about to be made a criminal offence. I think your extended family are absolutely right and he is trying to cut you off from your family so that he has complete control of you. This is how abusive men work. I don't think it will be long before he stops your mother visiting.

The other worrying thing is that your DD doesn't like him - it sounds like she is scared of him - children don't just "not like" their parents - she clearly doesn't feel safe with him and that's a real cause for concern.

Another worry is that abusive men chip away at the woman's self esteem so that she feels worthless and somehow it's all her fault, and this prevents her from leaving - a sort of emotional paralysis creeps in and then there is little hope.

I think you need to get away from this abusive man - you are minimising how bad his behaviour is to be honest. You will need to be courageous (as you might be afraid of him or very wary) - you owe it to your children and yourself to live in an environment where you feel safe. You say you humour him and this is worrying because that's not going to help.

Could you go and stay with your parents or other relatives?

pictish · 20/12/2014 23:19

Dear lord he sounds like an utter horror. He's controlling, isolates you from familial support, speaks to you like dirt, and contributes nothing by way of help or care.
He is a bad husband and a terrible father.
It is time for you to end this miserable marriage and get your life back on track without him.

Bowchickawowow · 20/12/2014 23:21

I agree with PP it is very telling that his own DC's don't like him.

AgentZigzag · 20/12/2014 23:25

Your family have got the measure of him, which is great because it sounds like they'll give you tons of support when you finally feel able to leave this nasty little prick.

Don't let him crush your children, and his behaviour will if you continue to live with him. It's not right for them to hear you being called an evil cow and a bitch by someone who is supposed to care for them/you.

It makes me shudder just reading your OP so it must be torture having to actually live it.

Do yourself and your DC a favour and ditch the fucker.

Finola1step · 20/12/2014 23:28

Give your children the best Christmas present you could possibly give them - get them away from this awful man.

You will not be splitting up the family. You will be protecting your children from a childhood full of walking on egg shells, not making Daddy cross, being careful with what they do and say, never allowed to have friends over.

It will only get worse. Get out now.

ouryve · 20/12/2014 23:32

He is controlling and emotionally abusive. Your kids aren't daft - they know exactly what to make of him.

The best Christmas gift or you and your kids would be to get shot of him.