"dh" anger and nastyness

[heatherruth]

Hi everyone,

I am a new user but am needing some objective advice/opinions and would appreciate your thoughts so look forward to hearing from you. Obviously this is all one sided so who knows what he would write about me!

We have 2 kids, toddler and young baby. I breastfeed and co-sleep with babe as dh has gladly gone to spare room so he can get sleep (which he did with dh too). I'm tired and I do resent his lack of presence even if it would be just to acknowledge I'm up or to do an occasional nappy. He never bothers with me in the morning, he just starts work (works from home) and gets cross if I ask him to hold a baby while I run to bathroom as he always has work to do. Always.

During the day we do see him and he may help out at lunch but invariably it is met with resentment as he "has a business to run". He doesn't want my family to come round to help me out as he doesn't like them and complains that he has to work and I don't ask permission to invite people into his space. My mum is brilliant but is on eggshells when she is here. He has totally fallen out with my Dad so when I visit them at their house I am always met with stony cold reception on return and an interrogation which leads to him snapping and going into a rage about other issues with him. I personally don't think my dad is in the wrong but I am humoring dh as if I don't I feel more family members will come under fire and I will be even more isolated. My extended family are worried about this situation and being cut off by him as a method of control.

My children don't like him, dd has never ever wanted to go to him, he does nothing for ds and I am fed up of trying to buoy him up to avoid rows and his moods. When dd is really averse to him I try to overcompensate and be overly great towards him but he makes no effort and is actually quite cold and mean towards dd in resentment. I think the fallout with my dad has something to do with his jealousy over his relationship with grandkids (which is very good). I am constantly met with criticism from him over how I could get kids into a better routine or how to get dd to eat better/not spill food everywhere/better discipline, but he never contributes to any of this or helps her eat etc.

I am fed up today, we have all been ill and I drove a 100 mile round trip to his Christmas do yesterday so that he could enjoy himself. He never said thanks, he made me feel in the morning like I didn't have to do it (as I had nowhere to go with kids while he was at hotel) and then when I decided I wasn't going he went mad and said I had known for a week and was a bitch for backing out. I am constantly told I am an evil cow or a bitch in front of the kids and I really don't feel I deserve it. Sometimes I am snappy or ask things in the wrong way but I am pretty much doing everything on my own and may as well not have him. This is not as bad as some peoples' situations so I'm sorry for the long whinge but please let me know what you think.

Thank you and happy christmas everyone xx

Can you go to your mum & dad's ?

Other people say it's easy to type 'ltb'. I've typed it hundreds of times now but I feel I can type it becuase I did it myself. I read it online too and a couple of months later I did leave. I hope you do too. Life is easier when you don't have a nasty controlling man sapping the joy out of everything.

Firstly, as others have mentioned, get this moved to Relationships (click Report and leave a message for MNHQ to request this).

Yes you are right in that there are 2 sides and I personally don't agree with a simple "leave the bastard" as others have said.

Has he always been like this or just since the DC were born?

What you need to do is write a list of everything you need to discuss with him and then sit him down and have a really good conversation along the lines of:

What does he really want from this marriage, what is he prepared to contribute to it/the DC (beyond money from work).
You have you make him realise you are seriously unhappy with his actions (detailing them all).
Perhaps ask him for, say, 5 things he likes about you (and things he likes about the DC. How does he feel about things moving forward - socializing etc. What does he expect from you (and you of him).

This should be done in a non confrontational way and after digesting what he has to say you can make your decision from there.

I have had good experience of this and thought it best to stay together for the sake of the dc - big mistake in my case.

hth

He is abusing you. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. I had an ex who called me names, and one day I realised that my children were going to learn that this was normal relationship behaviour - and I didn't want them to learn that. That was when I decided to leave. Have you ever thought about leaving? Have a look at the Women's Aid website - they have lots of useful material about emotional abuse.

Please leave him - I wasted 20 years of my life in a relationship that was very similar to yours. You and your children are worth more than this.

This sounds dreadful. You poor thing. What will this do to your daughter? Every little girl I know worships their Dad. Yours dislikes her Dad! What is this teaching her about men? Your kids will not thank you for staying with him and for teaching them that this is normal.

Read up about emotionally abusive relationships OP. You are definitely in one and need to leave, but please be careful. You are quite far along by the sound of it, he has alienated your family and you sound as though you are treading very carefully so that he doesn't cut you off from them completely.

Nobody has the right to prevent someone from seeing their family.

Your DH is completely fucked up if you don't mind me saying so, he is jealous of DS grandfather's relationship with his son. Most people would be pleased that they have a strong bond and get along well. To be jealous implies a very dysfunctional understanding of family relationships.

This man won't change but he could make your life very difficult so please do not let on that you are leaving, arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can about the things that EA men do to retain control. Read up about narcissistic personality disorder which is something that these men are often afflicted with. Then you'll know what to expect from him.

The fact that he works from home is a big problem as he knows everything you are doing (make sure you log off every time you use mn). If you do leave him you ideally want a situation where he wants nothing to do with you or the children, rather than a situation where he wants shared care and a lot of involvement. The more physical distance you put between you the better. If you identify that he is abusive, try to get evidence before you leave as this will be very helpful when negotiating access to the children.

Good luck and try your best to forget about all this until after Christmas when you will be able to do something constructive.

OP really please think of a future without this man in it!. Please keep seeing your family, no wonder they don't like him or get on with him, he is nasty, abusive and controlling. Chilling of all, your children do not like him, there is a reason for this, please listen to them. Op please let your family help you, help you with your children and help you leave him.

Please contact Woman's Aid, they can also help too. What a dreadful situation op, he is sucking the life from you. He is an abuser who is trying to cut you away from your family, and isolate you. Please recognise this, and keep going to your family, they love you very much, and will help you.

He sounds like a prize shit. Do listen to your family and your children. They have worked out what an arse he is.

Plenty of good advice already given to you here and I can't add to it. I do hope you can break free soon.

Ask yourself " what's in this for me? Is this enough?"

Just joining in here to say, this man is not adding anything to your life or to your children's lives.

This is so eerily like my ex that I'm almost wondering if it's him. He too absolutely loathed my parents for no good reason - they gave us money for a house deposit when I was expecting DS1, they helped us out endlessly financially because the ex squandered money on total shite and happily let us go without gas, electric etc. in order to buy old games consoles. He repaid them by accusing them of paedophilia. He used to control how often I took DS1 to see them, they were never allowed to babysit, and he said the most dreadful things about them constantly. It broke my heart.

He used to slag me off to DS1 (still a small toddler at that point), and very often beat and kicked me whilst holding him in his arms, facing me, telling him that 'this is what you get for being a slut'.

Nothing pleased him. I was in a constant state of anxiety and confusion and felt utterly isolated. He would gaslight me all the time, using my diagnosis of bipolar disorder to try and convince me that I'd done certain things and that I was the one who'd attacked HIM, because 'the voices told you to do it'. He hid letters from my psychiatrist asking me to come to appointments, to the point where I was later told by my GP that I couldn't access the service anymore because they viewed me as a timewaster. Obviously I had no idea about the letters.

He never, ever helped with DS1, but was happy to play the doting dad in public and splash the cash on completely useless shit in order to look good. He did fuck all at work (customer facing role, funnily enough received several warnings for bullying other members of staff), called in sick for stomach aches every other week (always taking a week off at a time), but when I once asked him to help me bathe DS1 he told me that I was being unfair to ask him to help with the baby when he went out to work.

I desperately wanted a part time job, but he refused to let anyone else care for DS1 as 'other people are paedophiles'. In the next breath, he'd call me a 'fat, scrounging, useless cunt who can't be fucked to find a job'.

All this, and I tried desperately to please him. To keep the peace.

I'm telling you this, OP, because I almost hope that you see some of yourself in me and recognise what this bastard of a 'man' is doing to you. HE IS AN ABUSER. He's abusing you and your children, and he's successfully convinced you that YOU are wrong, that if only you spoke to him in a nicer way or were more understanding towards him, he'd be better towards you. It's bullshit. He will NEVER be better towards you.

Leave him. Please, please, please. Leave him. You're worth SO, SO much more than this.

Op, please get this moved to relationships.

May I ask why are you with him still? I fully understand the complexities of domestic abuse, but what is making you stay?

When you leave he will briefly change, he will cry and plead, promise to change, tell you nice things, pretend to be the man you fell in love with. Unfortunately that is fake husband. If you then stay he will ramp up his horridness to punish you for trying to leave. If you continue with your plan to leave and don't get drawn in by fake husband. He will get angry, threaten to take the children, screw you over financially in the divorce, tell you you won't meet anyone cos you are a worthless bitch. Watch for the bad mother line, that will Definately get mentioned. Next time you see him fake husband may reappear. You need to be ready for this. Write everything down as this cycle will have your head reeling.

I suggest you report him to your health visitor, gp and police 101. Explain to 101 that you have read about the new domestic abuse laws and this is happening to you. Tell them that he is isolating you from family and swears at you regularly in front of the children. Get everything on record. If he has ever done anything to the children get it on record. Call women's aid and ask them for assistance. Again tell them everything. You need to be honest so the court gets a true picture for access arrangements.

Does he gaslight you? If so tell the police. If you are unaware of gaslighting look it up on line.

Clear your browsing history.

Take, when you leave, passports, bankstatements, payslips, p60, accounts, savings statements, shares, mortgage statement, copies of any other assets you have. Photograph or film each room to prove what is in it. Does he ever go out and leave you at home? I would be tempted to let 101 know you are leaving him. Get together all the documents whilst he is at the shop and Then get male family members round WITHOUT him having any idea until they arrive.

Write a diary from today. Do it on a secret email address. Write down everything he does, this will keep you on the right path mentally.

Your family sound amazing. It will make their Xmas for you to leave him. It will make your kids Xmas too, they have no choice but to live with nasty dad, you do have a choice. It may not feel like you have a choice but I promise you, you do.

Good luck op. Keep posting on relationships. You will receive a lot of support. Xxx

Don't assume your situation is not bad, it is bad, very bad. He may not hit you but mental cruelty is just as bad.

Your babies deserve a loving family home. You deserve a loving family home. Every day you stay you are denying all three of you the happiness you deserve. It will be hard op, but worth it.

Please stay safe, and get out quickly. Abusers seem to get drift you are about to leave, this is very dangerous for you. Do it quickly.

Your parents must be worried sick.

You categorically do not have to put up with this.

You need to leave him. Take your children out of this unhealthy environment and have a happy life.

Sorry to read you're having such a crappy time with DH.

Please don't co sleep with your baby. Research suggests this can increase the risk of sudden infant death syndrome.

I hope the responses haven't been too overwhelming, heatherruth.

It must be a shock to hear the unanimous comments that he is abusive and you need to leave for your childrens' sakes. Posters are only stating this so badly and emphatically to try to get through to you as quickly as possible what a dreadful man this is - they have your best interests at heart. Please come back to discuss and get support if you feel able.

The thing is, marriage, kids and life is hard enough (and that's when things are going 'ok' - throw in ill health, bad luck, job losses etc and it can push you to the brink. Unfortunately none of us know what is around the corner) without a man who sucks the life out of you and your precious, innocent children.

x

You're convincing yourself that because he doesn't hit you you're not one of those abused women. Sorry but you are. No decent man worth having behaves like this. His own daughter knows.
Please leave. You can do better for your children

Oh and when you leave insist he takes the kids at least half of the week even if it goes against everything you feel. Trust me he won't keep it up. However if you don't offer the kids he'll continue to fight you for them just because he'll know it'll make you miserable etc.
Put the responsibly on him and watch him disappear. Do not give this man any cards to play you with

I usually get really frustrated when everyone comes on saying Leave Him, as it's so hard to tell from a few lines of text about a relationship

No, usually it is the straw that broke the camel's back that people are posting about. Those few lines are often just the tip of the iceburg.

Imagine yourself away from him, with your children. He does nothing anyway, so your workload will be no different. However, you won't be on egg-shells in your own home, you can see your family when you want and your children will be happier. Imagine it. The leaving will be the hardest bit but it will all get so much better. Really wish you well. x

I have re read your op, I personally don't think talking to him will help, he is abusive to the core and will probably play down your worries or turn it round to you. Your situation sounds horribal, you need to plan an exit, and to end it with him. Your children are very perceptive and have good measure of him.

Please keep seeing and communicating with your family, the more you do, the looser his grip will be on you, and you can start to gradually break away.

You and your children need to be 'at home' when at home. This means feeling safe, comfortable and able to express yourselves. This means being able to welcome those you care about. He isn't allowing a home environment.
And you would have less to do without him there as at the miment you're putting a lot of work into compensating for his lack of care with children and family. Stop covering for him and get him gone.

As an adult, you should be able to create a secure and comfortable home, where you and your children can relax and feel safe to be yourselves.

Why do you not think you deserve this basic right?