"dh" anger and nastyness

[heatherruth]

Hi everyone,

I am a new user but am needing some objective advice/opinions and would appreciate your thoughts so look forward to hearing from you. Obviously this is all one sided so who knows what he would write about me!

We have 2 kids, toddler and young baby. I breastfeed and co-sleep with babe as dh has gladly gone to spare room so he can get sleep (which he did with dh too). I'm tired and I do resent his lack of presence even if it would be just to acknowledge I'm up or to do an occasional nappy. He never bothers with me in the morning, he just starts work (works from home) and gets cross if I ask him to hold a baby while I run to bathroom as he always has work to do. Always.

During the day we do see him and he may help out at lunch but invariably it is met with resentment as he "has a business to run". He doesn't want my family to come round to help me out as he doesn't like them and complains that he has to work and I don't ask permission to invite people into his space. My mum is brilliant but is on eggshells when she is here. He has totally fallen out with my Dad so when I visit them at their house I am always met with stony cold reception on return and an interrogation which leads to him snapping and going into a rage about other issues with him. I personally don't think my dad is in the wrong but I am humoring dh as if I don't I feel more family members will come under fire and I will be even more isolated. My extended family are worried about this situation and being cut off by him as a method of control.

My children don't like him, dd has never ever wanted to go to him, he does nothing for ds and I am fed up of trying to buoy him up to avoid rows and his moods. When dd is really averse to him I try to overcompensate and be overly great towards him but he makes no effort and is actually quite cold and mean towards dd in resentment. I think the fallout with my dad has something to do with his jealousy over his relationship with grandkids (which is very good). I am constantly met with criticism from him over how I could get kids into a better routine or how to get dd to eat better/not spill food everywhere/better discipline, but he never contributes to any of this or helps her eat etc.

I am fed up today, we have all been ill and I drove a 100 mile round trip to his Christmas do yesterday so that he could enjoy himself. He never said thanks, he made me feel in the morning like I didn't have to do it (as I had nowhere to go with kids while he was at hotel) and then when I decided I wasn't going he went mad and said I had known for a week and was a bitch for backing out. I am constantly told I am an evil cow or a bitch in front of the kids and I really don't feel I deserve it. Sometimes I am snappy or ask things in the wrong way but I am pretty much doing everything on my own and may as well not have him. This is not as bad as some peoples' situations so I'm sorry for the long whinge but please let me know what you think.

Thank you and happy christmas everyone xx

I have been where you are and my ex left 2 months ago. I am not walking on egg shells anymore, no name calling, I can do what I like without him nagging me about the housework or how I parent our daughter.

Your situation though sounds worse than mine. Why? Because he does not treat his children well. My ex was at least good to our daughter and he sees her now we are separated. How could you have a second child with a man who didn't even like his first?

Hideous situation and you need get out for your kids sake, this isn't about you anymore, this is about them. You really will be better off and I am sure you have shit load excuses in your head, so did I for 2 years but you really are wasting your time with this man.

You sound like your extended family would step in and help if you leave.
You could talk to Women's Aid as well.
www.womensaid.org.uk/
And of course, you are not being unreasonable.

He resents having to hold his own baby while you go to the bathroom. WTF?

His own daughter won't go to him. Not because she "doesn't like him" but because she is afraid of him. With good reason. This is the man who constantly tells you that you are an evil cow or a bitch in front of them. They know he is a liar, that what he says is not true in any way, shape or form.

This man is a selfish abuser and manipulator! Your own family have the measure of him, that's for sure. Do not let him alienate them any further, because he will try, of that you can be absolutely certain.

There is no negotiating with such a person. If he gets the faintest inkling that you are considering leaving him, he will step up the abuse and be at his most dangerous. If you think he's scary now, do not wait until he thinks his hold on you is weakening.

Talk to your family about how they could help you get away from his vile clutches. This is not the man you thought he was and there is no turning back or trying to make things better. They won't ever be better but could get a whole lot worse. His "nice" side (if he ever had one, and he must have seemed to or you wouldn't have married and had children with him) was all an act and an illusion. He kept a lid on it just long enough to ensnare you and keep you dependent upon him. He is now telling you very clearly who he really is, so please listen.

Be circumspect and try to be clever. In a perfect world you would have time to get copies of all important documents, especially financial ones connected to mortgage, savings, pension, the business. Because once you do leave he is likely to be as difficult as possible once you ask him to contribute to the financial support of your children. In the real world, it might just have to be leaving with the clothes you stand up in if he pops out of the house for longer than five minutes.

Compose a list of all the things you like about him. All the nice things he does for you, all the ways he makes you feel good and supports you. All the reasons to stay in this relationship.

If you find yourself staring at a blank piece of paper then show him a suitcase and tell him to pack it.

He is abusive. You poor soul. You need to get yourself and children away from him.

Hi there,

We've had a few reports asking if we can move this thread over to our Relationships topic. Hope that's okay with you, OP.

Thanks to everyone who's offered advice and support so far.

you ok op ?

Oh noo as is so often the case the OP disappears on a thread like this and has probably been scared off by everyone pointing out that she's is an abusive relationship and a potentially dangerous one at that. I usually try to steer a middle course on this kind of thread but I have a very bad feel about this one and hope you can come back OP and let us know you're ok. You don't have to follow everyone's advice but you can still get support.

He sounds hideous. You have two babies to deal with and living with a person like this is beyond draining especially when they do no co-parenting so you're basically running a home and looking after your children yourself.

I have seen that nana quite a few times on here. When confronted with the reality, they tend to withdraw. That's why they should contact Womans Aid for real life help.

Perhaps they have a life outside of mumsnet. Perhaps they are busy, perhaps they don't want to constantly update, or pour out their hearts for others satisfaction, perhaps they have limited or controlled access to the Internet.

Get a grip. This woman's trauma and personal situation is not yours to pull apart,asking for advice is not the same as inviting people to question your ability to problem solve or commitment to change.

Sometimes (quite a lot) a thread on here will be the first inkling an abused woman has that her relationship is abusive.

The way most abusers work is slow and steadily grooming their partner to the point that they start to believe what they experience is normal and they are the ones with the problem they have also usually been isolated from any real real life support it can be like a bomb going off in your head.

That is traumatic and can be very shocking it can take time for that to sink in and for you to adapt.

.

Heatherruth, please don't be scared off. The replies to your post may not be what you wanted to hear, and you may be struggling to take this all in, but if you keep posting you will get wonderful support here.

You deserve better than this man and so do your children. I suspect if you LTB you'd get a great deal of support from your family, it appears they have the measure of him and are refusing to stay away so that you know they are there for you. Take your DCs and build a better life for them and for you. This is not your fault and you'll never change him.

Hope you are okay op.

Thank you VERY much everyone, this is the first chance I've had to properly read everything and respond. When I read the first ones I cried and couldn't read anymore but feel better tonight and am very grateful to you all. I am scared of leaving and have already had threats of him taking kids and him not letting my parents anywhere near which I am not well informed on and need to read up. The thought of leaving the kids half the week with him terrifies me, I couldn't do it to them! I can't leave yet but I don't want to get to another fight where the situation could escalate if I made moves to go. I will follow this up on relationships and again, thanks for all the responses. Sometimes you just need someone to state the obvious! x

My point about half the week was to try to say don't give him the power. He knows he can use the kids to play you. He will enjoy hurting you through them. If he's as hand off as you say then a few times with them will be enough. He'll start telling you he's too busy to have them etc and he'll not want to do the work. Trust me I've seem this first hand. If You show him it bothers you he will use it.
Glad you've come to a realisation x

Oh Heather you poor thing. If you have got to the stage where you are scared of leaving and he's making threats then you probably need help from Women's Aid. They will help you along and will help you leave confidently and safely. Keep everything as normal as possible until you can make contact with them discreetly. Watch your internet history and your email settings - make sure if anyone pms you you don't get an email sent to your email address.

Make records of what is said and done, keep them safe.

It doesn't matter if the OP doesn't come back

In April 8 years ago, I posted a thread like this. I thought there'd be a few posters saying well it's really hard being single so grit your teeth, but no. Every poster said 'that's abuse, leave'.

I don't think I knew what to say so I didn't say anything. Thoughts were all up in the air and hadn't landed. Not in time to post on the thread.

But in June I left him.

Sorry Heather, missed your update somehow.

Hope you're ok. It will be hard but you won't regret it. I agree with others, my x would have had you believe he wanted the children 50:50 but it's about ten days a year now which is fine, it's enough so that the kids don't have a mystery-shaped hole in their lives but not so much that he can be much of an influence.

I agree get Women's Aid involved. And for the record, many abusive men threaten to take the kids, or go for shared custody. Very few actually do it. Just another empty threat in a pathetic attempt to control you.

That is the most common threat I get reported to me,it is also one of the most effective.

It may help you to know that whilst people on Internet forums insist 50:50 is the starting point and the most usual arrangement its not the most usual one I come across every other weekend and possibly a weekly over night is more like the arrangement I come across.

Knowledge is power you will find it useful to get,these people can give you real legal advice for free

www.childrenslegalcentre.com/

As pp have pointed out woman's aid is also very helpful for practical and emotional support.

If you wanted you could also seek advice from children's services.

By far the best way to start protecting yourself and your children is start talking to people like your doctor or health visitor a police officer this will also help you obtain legal aid (as its no longer availible just on income grounds)

The second you start reaching out for real life support it will be there for you a by product of reaching out is you get a paper trail this can help fight all of his threats and keep you safe

Needsasock sums it up perfectly. Please start reaching out for help and keep going to your family too, do not isolate yourself. Little at a time. You know what you have to do, start planning g but by bit.

That's what I thought twinkle.

As I understand it you are the primary carer for your children - are you breastfeeding the baby? Babies need their mothers, not a dad that won't hold them for a few minutes.

It's all about control and coercion to make you feel you are trapped.

Perhaps chatting to woman's aid would help reassure you.

I think his threat to take the children is empty - he wouldn't be happy or capable of looking after them and that's probably one of the reasons he resents you and your father. Possibly, he can't bear to see your family love (for whatever reason) and so he wants to destroy it. This is nothing to do with you or anything you have done, it's something that's entirely in his head.

If he is a narcissist, he will do what he needs to to protect No1 so the whiff of a good legal case and solid family backing will send him off - he won't want to put his own special lifestyle at risk. It will also be fairly evident to Cafcass officers what his game is, they must see people like him all the time.