"dh" anger and nastyness

[heatherruth]

Hi everyone,

I am a new user but am needing some objective advice/opinions and would appreciate your thoughts so look forward to hearing from you. Obviously this is all one sided so who knows what he would write about me!

We have 2 kids, toddler and young baby. I breastfeed and co-sleep with babe as dh has gladly gone to spare room so he can get sleep (which he did with dh too). I'm tired and I do resent his lack of presence even if it would be just to acknowledge I'm up or to do an occasional nappy. He never bothers with me in the morning, he just starts work (works from home) and gets cross if I ask him to hold a baby while I run to bathroom as he always has work to do. Always.

During the day we do see him and he may help out at lunch but invariably it is met with resentment as he "has a business to run". He doesn't want my family to come round to help me out as he doesn't like them and complains that he has to work and I don't ask permission to invite people into his space. My mum is brilliant but is on eggshells when she is here. He has totally fallen out with my Dad so when I visit them at their house I am always met with stony cold reception on return and an interrogation which leads to him snapping and going into a rage about other issues with him. I personally don't think my dad is in the wrong but I am humoring dh as if I don't I feel more family members will come under fire and I will be even more isolated. My extended family are worried about this situation and being cut off by him as a method of control.

My children don't like him, dd has never ever wanted to go to him, he does nothing for ds and I am fed up of trying to buoy him up to avoid rows and his moods. When dd is really averse to him I try to overcompensate and be overly great towards him but he makes no effort and is actually quite cold and mean towards dd in resentment. I think the fallout with my dad has something to do with his jealousy over his relationship with grandkids (which is very good). I am constantly met with criticism from him over how I could get kids into a better routine or how to get dd to eat better/not spill food everywhere/better discipline, but he never contributes to any of this or helps her eat etc.

I am fed up today, we have all been ill and I drove a 100 mile round trip to his Christmas do yesterday so that he could enjoy himself. He never said thanks, he made me feel in the morning like I didn't have to do it (as I had nowhere to go with kids while he was at hotel) and then when I decided I wasn't going he went mad and said I had known for a week and was a bitch for backing out. I am constantly told I am an evil cow or a bitch in front of the kids and I really don't feel I deserve it. Sometimes I am snappy or ask things in the wrong way but I am pretty much doing everything on my own and may as well not have him. This is not as bad as some peoples' situations so I'm sorry for the long whinge but please let me know what you think.

Thank you and happy christmas everyone xx

Oops wrong thread

I'm not going to ask why you're still in the relationship, as I've been there myself & it's very hard, especially since you're being emotionally abused too. Get out. Go to your family, take the kids & don't look back. Don't feel sorry for him when he calls, and don't feel like you've failed - you've done the right thing. If you don't feel ready to leave, talk to your family, they may be able to help prepare- maybe a spare room so you have somewhere to go? Good luck.

Also, your family may be thrilled with your decision to leave - I know when I told my bf I was going, I'm pretty sure I heard a champagne cork go off over the phone!

You really think that a bloke that resents holding his baby whilst you use the loo is really going to want to care for the children half the week? The threat is empty. Run like the wind as soon as you can.

Darling please believe me this man will never be interested in taking the children. He has had children as a way to control you, that's all. They are fulfilling their purpose quite well don't you think.

This is one if the worst cases of DA I have read on MN.

Please tell your parents what is happening, confide in someone.

Don't be afraid if his threats, they are designed to keep you frozen and that's what is happening.

He is trying to control you.

Be brave, detach from him.

He will have to support you financially to an extent. You will get at least half of everything.

Dear OP
This is what happened to me, it got worse. He raped me, it was the wake up call.

Pleases leave, before he hurts you.

Hi Heather

I know how painful it is when the scales start to fall from your eyes and you realise that you are in an abusive marriage. Your H is truly an entitled arse of the highest order.

Here's what you need:

• Support. Open up to good solid friends and decent family members. Consider therapy, so that a professional can accompany you while you feel that your whole world is falling apart.

• Financial information. Get your ducks in a row: gather the paperwork you need on family assets, salaries, pensions. Find out what you would be entitled to in terms of benefits, there are online calculators for this.

• Legal help. Go see a family solicitor (or 2 or 3 until you find one you like: most will offer a free half hour consultation). When you have a solicitor, you will be able to inform yourself and prepare for things like custody, maintenance, the divorce procedure...

Lawyers are WONDERFUL, by the way, because they deal in practicalities, not in emotions. Having them deal with such hugely emotive issues removes some of the sting from it, for you: they do the work that you would have a very, very hard time handling yourself, because they have no emotions vested in it the way you do.

Good luck. A new life awaits you. It will be hard, but you will get through this, and gift yourself and your DC a far better and happier life.

Thank goodness you're married. You have so much more security than someone who isn't.