Heads a confused mess. Don't know what to do anymore.

[Celestria]

I'm sat on my couch this morning, feeling utterly lost. I just want to sleep. I really really need help.

Is there anyone I can talk to, to try and sort my head out? A help line or something like that. I need to try and make sense of everything.

Samaritans

Take care

Just realised that reads like a feeling suicidal post, it's not! I'm just really confused about my relationships (DP and family) and I think I am being emotionally abused.

Ok. women's aid

Or talk it out here ?

Do you have to give your name with the Samaritans? I live in a small town and I don't want to be recognised as my name is unusual up here.

Both of these services are confidential.

If I talked it out on here it would be the longest post ever on mn and I've threads about various things to do with it all already, feels like I would just be repeating myself and making more of a fool out of myself.

I can't contact woman's aid. My mother works there.

Samaritans can help you - they're there for anybody who is in distress - they won't judge, it's completely confident and they'll help you untangle your thoughts.

In the UK the number is 08457 909090

Is there any way any of us could help you? What's weighing on your mind most heavily right now?

You could sketch out some of the most pressing details here if you like. We can also cope with long posts if you split it up a little into paragraphs.

Yes, I have seen your name around. Perhaps a visit to your GP to see if you can access any talking therapy ?

BTW, thee will be strict protocols in place so that your mother cannot access any of your calls/information.

Two things really. That I think I'm a friendly, kind, gentle person but I can't be because of how my DP and my family treat me. That maybe I'm the emotional abuser.

And that I need to leave my DP but I have come to rely on him so much I can't do it. I only have my mother aside from him. It's ridiculous considering all the stuff I've been through and got through, but I can't do this. I'm just so mixed up.

I was paying for private counselling but couldn't keep up with the costs. My private counsellor was of the opinion I needed long term psychiatrist help but there is a three year waiting list. For the record this help is not for my mental health as such but to help me come to terms with a lot of bad things that have happened in my life.

What is your dp doing to you OP?

Ok, there are a few people listening now.

Is your relationship with your mum one of the problems? Or is she generally supportive and understanding?

Making me feel like I'm a horrible person. Whilst telling me he loves me with all his heart. Saying I am oblivious to the way I treat him. I'm smart and my head tells me he is wrong but I'm so confused. He is so good at making me feel I've been in the wrong and end up apologising/begging.

You are talking with a woman that was strong enough to leave a marriage and become a single parent to four kids under six. Yet I can't seem to get myself out of this ridiculous, damaging relationship.

My mum is my rock. We've had our ups and downs over the years thanks to my father messing with my head and telling me she was abusive to my brother and I, telling me so much lies. I didn't meet her until I was 12 and I was so suspicious of her. However the last couple of years she is pretty much my best friend as well as my mum and if it hadn't been for her support in the new year, I really don't think I would be here now. I don't want to put any more onto her, she struggled enough in the new year trying to support me through a total meltdown.

Nice/nasty cycle. here

How do I know if he is emotionally abusing me? How do I know that it's not me and the way I am that makes him so angry/upset with me?

Don't worry about repeating yourself. Can't see the harm in that.

If you are that bad, why doesn't he leave you ?

That's it right there AF.

Things are fine for a while. Then something tiny will happen. He will absolutely blow up, get so angry and i don't know what to say or do to calm the situation down and sort it out. He tells me what I think, and if I tell him that's not what I think, he has made his mind up and I may as well be speaking to myself. Then I start saying sorry and crying and he forgives me. After one of the rows, he gave me some money saying it was for my thirtieth. After the row last night he wants to buy me a cooker.

he is gaslighting you

It feels like I can't have an opposite opinion to him. I can't challenge the opinions he has about me and my life. If I do I'm making him feel like a monster, I treat him like shite (his words) that he won't put up with me making him feel that way. Then I get myself in knots because I'm trying to work out what he wants me to say or do. My chest hurts and I feel like I can't breathe, my mind goes blank and I don't know what to do. If I do manage to force something out, it's wrong.