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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heads a confused mess. Don't know what to do anymore.

122 replies

Celestria · 08/12/2014 10:36

I'm sat on my couch this morning, feeling utterly lost. I just want to sleep. I really really need help.

Is there anyone I can talk to, to try and sort my head out? A help line or something like that. I need to try and make sense of everything.

OP posts:
Celestria · 08/12/2014 17:13

Two of my children just asked for him. My youngest just said he really misses him. Sad They never saw any bad side to him. They were excited as we were engaged and looking forward to him being their stepdad.

At least they will only have good memories of him. Not the bad I am pretty sure they would have come to have had I married him and he moved in. Especially the boys. He had all the time in the world for my girls.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 17:19

The children don't know the truth. You do. And you are the adult here.

Celestria · 08/12/2014 17:20

I know AF. Best thing I can do for them is keep him out of our lives.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 17:42

Spot on Thanks

Celestria · 08/12/2014 20:27

It's been a horrible evening so far. Kids father was round as he was going to take kids to brownies. Eldest dd ended up telling me she had seen my father this weekend and her dad had told her not to tell me. He then denied he had said that. So effectively called my poor dd a liar.

I don't have contact with my father and other members of my family with very valid reasons which the kids father had agreed with. That was a side issue though, it's the fact he told my children to hide something from me. It's not the first time he has done it either.

Then suddenly my father decides he wants to imitate contact. Which caused immediate distress to me as the whole situation it involves is hugely sensitive and highly painful. Re-enforced I wanted to no contact which was also horribly painful.

It never rains but it pours. I will see if I can find the link to give the back story to this particular 'drama'.

I have had to deal with upset children thinking their father will be angry with them for telling. He isn't putting them in that position.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 20:40

Lots of stuff going on, huh. Now you will have more time and headspace to sort it out effectively.

LegoAdventCalendar · 08/12/2014 20:41

Put Panorama on. NOW.

dadwood · 08/12/2014 20:45

Oh God Celestria , that's awful, inveigling the kids in a web of deceit! Try not to get dragged down by all their shenanigans. Sad

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 20:55

Panorama, BBC1

Celestria · 09/12/2014 08:09

My world got turned upside down last night. I feel like a part of me has died.

I spoke to my girls last night about why I don't speak to my dad. It was a very watered down version but I felt they deserved an answer. I told them that bad things had happened to me from a boy cousin and my dad hadn't believed me.

Later that night my dd2 broke down as I was tucking her into bed and told me she knew what bad things my cousin had done, because someone had done them to her.

I can't even tell you, I don't have the words to explain how it felt hearing that. A long night of questions, police and CID statements. The short summary is that it's been happening at the weekends she spends out with her father by a 15 year old lad.

I'm completely heartbroken. It's one thing for it to have happened to me at the same age by the same age perpetrator. It's another to hear my story from my daughters mouth. The one thing I tried so so so hard to protect them from and comforted myself with the fact they would never have to go through what I did. It's like some sort of torture.

She, obviously, is the focus of everything now. The one good thing is that she has a parent that would never doubt her and one that knows exactly the things going through her head. Child protection will be around today and they will be deciding if she needs a medical exam. She's okay, she actually seems relieved to have told someone.

I never ever thought that I could ever see what happened to me in anything other than a horror light. But believe it or not, I'm almost grateful. Because I can help my dd.

Irrelevant now but she asked for my ex last night. There was no way I was going to deny her that. He came down like a shot and walked right past me, picked her up and hugged her for over an hour whilst she talked to the police. For that I'm grateful to him.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2014 08:22

I am very sorry about what happened to your daughter Thanks

Jux · 09/12/2014 09:13

Omg, Celestria. I'm so so sorry Thanks

dadwood · 09/12/2014 10:36

Celestria. I'm very sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. What an awful sequence of events last night!
Flowers

Celestria · 09/12/2014 11:45

Couldn't make it up Hmm

Still waiting on hearing from the family protection unit. More statements and interviews. Can't even speak to her father. I know it's not his fault, I know it's probably unreasonable but she was in his care when this was happening and just now I can't bear to look at him. He has a history of being irresponsible with my children. Ultimately I blame myself. Perhaps if I hadn't been so focused on work and my relationship, I would have seen the signs.

OP posts:
Mummyoftwobeautifulpoppets · 09/12/2014 15:36

Oh god I'm so sorry, how incredibly awful for you and your daughter Flowers. Please don't blame yourself.

The world must seem like a very very dark place at the moment, but you will find the strength to get through it, be there for your daughter, leave this man behind and build a solid happy future. You will x

PeppermintPasty · 09/12/2014 15:42

Oh Celestria, I am so sorry.

Celestria · 09/12/2014 18:03

He's very much on the scene because my dd2 adores him, feels safe with him (he's a tall stocky man) and will talk to people when both himself and myself are with her. I don't care about anything that he's done just now. If he is helping my DD just now, that's all that matters to me.

She's been so so brave today. I'm amazed by her. The child protection officer called her smart, resilient and one of the bravest children he had met in his career. She told them everything and anything she couldn't bring herself to say, she wrote down. I'm so unbelievably proud of her. Proud of her for speaking out. Proud of her for being brave when she has been so scared. Proud of her for doing what I couldn't do at her age.

She's coping okay today. I think it's relief that she had told and been believed, supported and knows she doesn't have to see that person again. Ever.

She knows that talking to the police may help prevent this boy from doing this to another girl or stop him from doing it to the little girl dd plays with out there. The police strongly suspect that might be the case. She's my absolute hero.

And I'm heartbroken. Absolutely, completely and utterly. I always consoled myself that what happened to me was awful, but that it would never ever happen to my children. That's gone now. Just gone.

I can't get images about what she said out of my head. How terrified she must have been. How I was probably enjoying my child free weekends whilst this was happening to her. How I wasn't there to protect her. She's my beautiful, clever, gentle, sociable, kind baby. And I've totally failed her. I'm focussing everything I have on talking to her, getting support in place, looking into counselling. Doing whatever I can to make sure that what she carries with her from this will be as small and damage limited as possible.

On the outside I'm doing what mothers do. Being strong. Inside I'm totally broken. Life is exceptionally cruel.

OP posts:
Drumdrum60 · 09/12/2014 22:48

Can someone help here?

dadwood · 09/12/2014 23:16

Celestria

Your daughter is being incredibly brave and you are showing mighty resilience. You couldn't have foreseen this, and nobody reasonably could have.

dadwood · 09/12/2014 23:50

Don't nurse any guilt for not being omnipotent.

HungryH · 10/12/2014 00:18

Celstria, by being brave enough to talk to your daughter of your own story, you have given her the opportunity to tell you what was happening to her & to put a stop to it. And to start to help her to heal, and to start making life better for her again.

You are probably stronger than you realise; focusing on your children will help you keep away from the gas lighting ex...

Best of luck with everything, Celestria. Lean on your mum now. Sending lots of prayers. xxxxx

Flimflammer · 10/12/2014 07:08

You sound like a brave woman and a wonderful mother Celestria. I'm so sorry that this has happened but your daughter is lucky to have someone as loving as you to confide in.

It is wonderful that your ex came to help and its understandable that you would do anything for your daughter. Is it possible to keep him slightly at arms length? So that he is there to support your daughter without a resumption of your relationship. It would be entirely reasonable for you to ask this.

I don't think its a coincidence that you put yourself in a position for your daughter to open up to you at this point. I think that on some level you could tell that she desperately needed you and he was getting in the way so you pushed him out to make way for her.

Once again, you sound like a wonderful mother. Flowers

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