Heads a confused mess. Don't know what to do anymore.

[Celestria]

I'm sat on my couch this morning, feeling utterly lost. I just want to sleep. I really really need help.

Is there anyone I can talk to, to try and sort my head out? A help line or something like that. I need to try and make sense of everything.

Celestia, if it helps you, use mumsnet day or night. There is always someone here to listen. If you feel yourself weakening once you have finished it, come back here and talk.

I know I've used MN like this. Sometimes not even posting, just reading other threads with shared experiences has helped me to stay strong in the past.

I know. He has all his stuff with him as last night he put it all in his van when we were arguing. I do want him gone.

Sorry, I meant celestria, not celestia.

Then there is no reason for him to cross your threshold again

Do not respond to any entreaties to "talk it through"

You are talked out and he will never listen.

Wanting him gone is great. Making sure he stays gone will involve setting up your environment so that it is easier to achieve it. Changing phone numbers is a great start. Being in contact with others so that you have companionship will help a lot. Sharing selected details ditto. You may have to switch routine if you all live in some tiny community. Even consider changing location in the future. Whatever it takes.

Then you need to think about rebuilding yourself. Talk to your GP, your mother, get more counselling for the PTSD... be selfish about it because you only get one shot at life and you deserve a good one.

Great - he has no reason to come to your home again if he has all of his stuff with him. Text him to cancel this evening and try to do something fun with your children.

Have you put your decorations up?

I haven't put my decorations up yet.

Thank you everyone. I didn't want to post about it on here because it feels pathetic to keep coming back with the same old stuff. I won't speak to my mum about it all because she must be as fed up hearing about it as I am talking about it. It just isn't me. All my life I've been known as our celestria, the strong one. I don't know what's happened to me in the last two years. I think I am going to try to go down and visit my brother, the kids go to their dads after Christmas.

You are not going to run out of MNers, there are a different bunch each time. Please don't stop posting when you need the support!

I'm not sure what will make it different this time.

I know that I scared myself last night. I was feeling so low, I was in the process of doing something about it when he turned back up at the door. I know that is something I'd never have ever thought about doing before I met him no matter how hard things got, after the pain of losing my brother and best friend to it and that I have my children. I know I don't want to feel like that again. That's different.

I know that each time we've split its got a little less harder to get used to my own company again and shown me a little that I can cope without him.

The kids are on school holidays soon and I will be kept busy amusing them. I have my job at the weekends.

I can call my brother and my mum. I do have two friends but they've become distant over the course of my relationship. I will try and speak to them.

Perhaps it was you who became distant from them (it is a classic abuser's response to cut their 'victim' off from family and friends). Ring them to give them your new number - that will break the ice.

You'll get through this Celestria Always speak to someone supportive when you get that low. It's transient.

Celestria, I see so much of my own story in yours. I know the bone deep exhaustion that comes from coping with a man like this. Trying to puzzle out what you did wrong, walking on eggshells, being blamed over and over.
My STBXH left 2 weeks ago after 20 years of a marriage which nearly destroyed me as a person and definitely damaged my children. The he wanted to come back, but that's not happening.

Just tell him it's over and do not engage. These kind of men will want to keep control, by blaming you and keeping you hanging on. Put all your energies into your own recovery and into your children. My STBXH diverted unquantifiable amounts of my energy and attention away from my children and onto him. Go totally NC, don't let him into your headspace.

You can do this, you will recover so much better when he isn't leaching away your strength and sense of

I have a thread in Relationships. At the beginning of it I was terrified of being without STBXH. I was afraid of everything. Now I know peace, calm and strength. Please read it if it would be a help.
I'm off to try to do a link.

Courage, Celestria.

being abused but I feel stuck and scared

Yes!!!! Punches air!!!!!

i'm being abused but I feel stuck and scared

BeeOrchid

It goes like this: (but with the square brackets nest to each other)

[ [ www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2202873-Im-being-abused-but-I-feel-stuck-and-scared i'm being abused but I feel stuck and scared] ]

Thanks I will have a proper read later though I totally relate to the self help books etc. I was doing loads too, going to the gym, looking for books to help me feel happier. I think it helped a little in myself but overall the main issue I have is my relationship.

I've ended it and changed my number. He tried to call just before I did so I know changing it was the right thing to do. Just got to make sure it stays over this time.

No-one's fed up hearing about your problems. Chances are mum won't be either. Please give her a call.

Thanks dadwood, it wasn't so complicated was it?

Celestria my STBXH is trying to draw me back in. I've got an anti harassment PIN in force so he can't contact me directly. It's made all the difference, I don't know if I'd have been able to stand up to his manipulation, blame, promises of changing etc etc.

Going No Contact is the best way to deal with these men. Keeps them out of your head.

Keep using this thread and MN, Celestria.

My thread has made all the difference, Celestria. So much kindness, wisdom, support, humour. Women who had been through what I was/am going through and really understood.
There were even posters ready to help in the middle of the night.

Well done for taking step-one to your new, free and happy life. You have taken a bigger step by changing your number this time.

Whilst MN is a great support, and we will be here for you, please tell your Mum. Then make contact with those 2 friends who you have lost connection with. In fact, there will be a few people who will need your new number and it will give you a chance to feel properly valued again.

But I give you a huge 'high-five' for taking your first big step in a few short hours.

We sound similar bee. I was also the fixer when I was growing up. I was the youngest but my brother was born early and had some issues. I was fiercely protective of him and I always tried to keep the peace. I still try to fix things with people now. Looking back, my past relationships they have had issues and I've felt sorry for them and thought I could help them.

With my now ex, when he started telling me about his past I felt so sad for him. I had already fallen for him by that point and resolved to make him happy.

Now I can see his past isn't as he made out. He was always top dog because he demands it. From everyone around him. If anyone dares to disapprove of anything he does he threatens them not to talk like that to him again. Or else he will have a problem with them.

He was moaning to me the other week about he made soup at his mums and fell out with her because when 'you cook the other should clean up'. He never ever clears up when I cook. I make him really lovely food and I clean up, wash all dishes etc.

He wants to be the top dog and yes, women are beneath him. He's told me before he has had dreams about killing his ex wife. He has maintained he left her because she was horrible to him and then she took their children and refused to let him have contact. I'd love to know her side of the story.

Bee, reading your thread I'm amazed at how strong you are. You do sound utterly lovely and it is an inspiration. It also makes me realise I am lucky to have this opportunity to get out now. And not in twenty years time.

I can't tell my mum as its her birthday today. A big one. And I know she will worry. I've already lied to her about the change of number as she immediately suspected something but I don't want to ruin her day.

I know I'm deeply unhappy just now and whilst I think a lot of it is him, I also feel like I'm going to have to start facing what happened to me at the start of the year. It changed my perspective on life and I feel very unsafe in general. I've got a lot of work to do. The only way I can describe it is like when you are a child and you finally comprehend you aren't going to be about forever. That's what happened to me in the new year. A near death experience I guess that has shaken me badly and I was hiding behind him.

Thank you for your kind words Celestria. We do have quite a lot in common, which is probably how we came to be in these abusive relationships.

You will have so much more energy and headspace to understand and heal from your bad experience, when you're not trying to manage an abusive partner. Already you are seeing what you need to do and that's a big step forward.

Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the loving kindness you show your children. X