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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Heads a confused mess. Don't know what to do anymore.

122 replies

Celestria · 08/12/2014 10:36

I'm sat on my couch this morning, feeling utterly lost. I just want to sleep. I really really need help.

Is there anyone I can talk to, to try and sort my head out? A help line or something like that. I need to try and make sense of everything.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 11:30

It's not him that saved you when you had the crisis in January. It was your mother. Who suggested taking pills at a party? Don't you think the reason you were miserable enough to consider recreational drugs was because he was subjecting you to jealous shit?..... that the breakdown might actually have been down to him?

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 11:31

My kids are 9,8,6 and 4. There has never been any concerns with them because I am a good mother and they are well brought up, happy children. He has never done anything to them. I suspect because he knows that if he was to, that would give me the strength I needed to get rid. No one hurts my children, as you all know, being mothers yourself. That I don't doubt.

Problem is I live in a small town. I will and have ran into him many times. In the past he has come into my work before.

Basically, I'm scared of being without him but that is because I've spent so long thinking I wouldn't have got better if I hadn't been with him. Because once I got back with him I did start getting better. I linked him with my recovery, and that time in my life was so utterly terrifying/paralysing, I'm more scared of going back to that, than anything else.

OP posts:
dadwood · 08/12/2014 11:32

Celestria He started messaging me and telling me my family were jealous of our relationship and were trying to keep me ill so they could control me.

He's projecting here, big time. It's how he thinks

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 11:34

Lovey, he is hurting your children because he is hurting their mother and your relationship with him is a massive contributory factor in your current poor mental health. This takes time and energy away from your children no matter how much you think they don't see what is going on. Believe me, they see it.

Please do not do couples counselling with this man.

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 11:36

No one suggested it. I think it was an attempt to feel happy like the people around me because I had been so completely miserable. It was stupid and probably the worst thing I'd ever done. My children were at their dads for the weekend and being totally naive with drugs I thought I'd be fine come the Saturday morning. As it was I was lucky not to die. I had a horrendous experience and was screaming for my children, going in and out of consciousness and begging not to be let go. It was awful and I developed ptsd from it.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 11:37

Why were you completely miserable at that precise moment? You were with your relatively new boyfriend at a party. Didn't that make you happy?

dadwood · 08/12/2014 11:38

Celestria : I linked him with my recovery

If he did help with your recovery (are you sure??), then it does not mean that:

  1. you owe him anything
  2. you could not recover on your own or with other RL support.

Since he is not healthy for you, you need to link him to being BAD for your mental health, not integral to a recovery.

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 11:39

I think my self worth since, forever, has been so totally low, I've just convinced myself that this is normal. That it's what I deserve. After the abuse and my family not believing me, then befriending him and being married to someone that valued his pot over me and eventually became violent, the loss of my brother and feeling to blame, I just become so confused over who I am. A nice person or a really nasty one. I guess he saw me coming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 11:42

I was miserable because I was scared. Every time we went anywhere and drink was involved he would split with me. I was nervous that it would happen at the party which was his fortieth. I had also cut my wrist a few weeks before and was really struggling with how I was feeling. I found out my daughter had come close to being abused at the same age as me and it had pretty much broken me to think that she hadn't been able to tell me. There's nothing quite like being abused and being disbelieved then having it nearly happen to your own child and her not able to tell me. I hated myself at that point.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 11:43

If he saw you coming, he can also see you going.

CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 11:45

You're a person who has had a lot of bad luck and bad experiences. You're also a survivor, a caring mother and a lot of other good things - never forget that. However, your confidence at dealing with the world is low, you're pinning your hopes on this man, hoping he's something he's not and that's keeping you trapped in a very unhealthy and (I fear) downward spiral. He's exploiting that situation.

People like this man are a malign influence. They bring nothing positive and only sadness and hurt. The only way to deal with them is to cut them out of your life completely. It will be painful initially because you have clearly become dependent, and that's when you will need your mother, GP, counselling and other RL support. Not people who delight in feeding your anxiety.

You have the capacity to recover.

MorrisZapp · 08/12/2014 11:46

Sorry but your kids are very young and they need a lot from you at this age. You absolutely are causing them harm by devoting yourself to an abuser. You left your ex and coped, you know what you need to do now.

With respect, you don't have the luxury of time. This guy has shown his colours many times over so you must get rid. He won't change. Your kids childhood mustn't be wasted on this awful dynamic in their mother's lives.

dadwood · 08/12/2014 11:51

Celestria You need to start thinking about how to detangle from him. He is not going to make it easy for you at all. He's got what he wants IMO, a person to exercise emotional control over. Quietly put up your defences. Start planning your emotional escape routes and ready your RL support.

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 11:53

He is meant to be coming down tonight. I don't want him here. I need to end it with him which I can do. It's keeping it ended.

OP posts:
dadwood · 08/12/2014 11:57

you don't owe him an explanation. Don't give him anything with which to argue. He is emotionally abusive so reason won't help you.

sadwidow28 · 08/12/2014 11:58

Can you text him and cancel him coming tonight [and ever again]? You are too vulnerable to see him at the moment (you said you needed sleep so you must be very tired) so I think a text to end the relationship is okay.

You can keep this thread going for as long as you want and there will be people to hold your hand if you start to wobble.

Quitelikely · 08/12/2014 11:58

You aren't a bad person. You will never get this man to see that. He is a badly damaged individual and he is playing out his failures on you.

Please try to detach. Detach. Detach.

He did not cure you. You got yourself into recovery with the support of others. But it was you who took the steps to achieve it. All of it.

If you think you are on the floor, there is only one way to go from there.

Keep engaging with services. Baby steps. Don't think about next week. Just think about today. And tomorrow think about that and that's all.

Xmas songs are great for lifting the spirits too.

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 12:02

I've been really unwell the last week or so and am beyond tired today. Coffee isn't touching me and my eyes feel strange. Swollen maybe after the row last night. Not sure.

I'm going to end it with him. And change my number straight away.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 08/12/2014 12:04

Please don't have him in your home again. You don't need to give him detailed explanations, you don't live together. You just don't want this relationship any more, that's all you have to say.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 12:04

You have to mean it this time, love.

sadwidow28 · 08/12/2014 12:05

That sounds like a good plan. You don't need to hear from him again because you have nothing to say.

I am sure you will be amazed at how well you will feel when you aren't burning energy on second-guessing him and trying to keep the peace.

dadwood · 08/12/2014 12:06

How he reacts when you end it is very much not your responsibility.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 12:07

Take some time now to decide (write it down privately, or here if you wish) what is going to make the difference this time.

MorrisZapp · 08/12/2014 12:09

Oh bless you. Try to rest. Changing your number is a great idea as you won't rest if you keep checking your phone. There is no reason to feel conflicted or guilty. People end relationships every day, for reasons ranging from abuse to bad breath. He will move on and so will you.

CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 12:13

'Beyond tired' is another stress response. Being subjected to the behaviour you described initially will be physically and mentally exhausting. If you've had a year of this treatment, you will be drained.

Glad you are going to cut contact. Please ask people IRL to help you keep your distance. You don't have to go into the full details if you don't wish. Tell others you need company and ask them to be on the phone if you need them. BTW if he gets in touch after you've asked him to stop, consider talking to the police DV unit. He has the makings of a stalker.

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