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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Reporting Grooming

87 replies

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:08

Hey Mumsnetters, hope you are all well.

I have a bit of a dilemma. My new girlfriend has a twin sister, and she has a boyfriend who's quite a bit older than she is. (She's 19, he's 38). I think the age gap is a little bit unhealthy, but they are both adults so it's not really my place.

However, it came to light the other day that they have been together since she was 14, and he was 33.This does become my place, because for one, my girlfriend has a young child from a previous relationship, and for two, it's illegal anyway.

I know full well that if I report this to the police, there wouldn't be anyone to press charges as the family seem to accept it. But I've done some digging and looked through her Facebook, and there were public messages of him saying things like 'I love you baby' etc, dated before she turned 16.

I want to go to the police about him, but as my girlfriend and him get along, it will probably end our relationship. I'm not the kind of person who can just let it be because it's in the past. In my eyes, if he's done that before he'll do it again.

I'm just seeing if anyone on here has dealt with something similar? As all the people I've spoken to are sure that the police will do nothing. Which is sad really, because it's totally wrong.

OP posts:

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 02/12/2014 19:16

What's the law on this? As they're still together 5 years on. How does your girlfriend feel about it? It's a whole load of stress waiting to burst open but I take your point that if he did it once...

Optimist1 · 02/12/2014 19:21

It's definitely not illegal for a 14-yr old girl to go out with someone of any age.

Monathevampire1 · 02/12/2014 19:23

You have no proof of anything so what can you report. You have absolutely no evidence of any sexual activity.

You don't mention how old you partner's child is are you trying to suggest he is trying to get access to the child.

This isn't any of your concern, the child isn't your responsibility. Talk to your girlfriend and see what her thoughts are.

if you go ahead and report him to police at this stage you made find yourself with no relationship.

smileybadger · 02/12/2014 19:28

I think op is showing concern and personally id mention it..something wrong with a33yr old bloke wanting 14 yr old kid

Tobyjugg · 02/12/2014 19:29

The family accepts it. Your gf accepts her twin's choice and the FB messages were public. What makes you think the family weren't aware of the situation and monitoring it carefully from the very start?

Original poster

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:33

So just because her family accepts it, I should leave it alone? I don't work like that. A grown man was in a relationship with a child. People sitting back and not doing anything about it makes it easy for people like this to get away with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:34

And it is my concern, because people shouldn't get away with doing this to children.

OP posts:

rjay123 · 02/12/2014 19:40

What did he do that was illegal?

(I'm not condoning this in any way shape or form btw!)

ThirdPoliceman · 02/12/2014 19:42

Get away with what exactly?
Has he admitted to having sex with an underage girl?
What are your worries? Is he giving the child excessive attention? Has he access to this child, on his own or with his partner?
Are your worries based on something you have seen or heard or just the age difference?
Is this more about you than him?

Original poster

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:42

He entered into a relationship with a 14 year old girl when he was 33.

OP posts:

ThirdPoliceman · 02/12/2014 19:43

Yes but what does 'relationship' mean?
Sex?

Twinklestein · 02/12/2014 19:45

The thing is you can consent to sex at 14.

Technically - 12 and under you are a child and deemed not capable of consent.

Between 13 - 15 you are under the legal age of consent, but you are recognised as being able to give consent.

It may be that this guy groomed her, it may be that when she's 30 she'll look back and regret her involvement with him. But she may have consented, some girls mature quickly and choose to have sex young without being groomed.

As she's still in a relationship with him, and hasn't complained of being unhappy then you have to leave them to it. All you will do is alienate your gf and her family and for no result. The police won't do anything now.

Do you have some issue with the bf?

ThirdPoliceman · 02/12/2014 19:45

How does he treat her now? Respectfully? Lovingly? Abusively? Is he controlling?

rjay123 · 02/12/2014 19:46

If he had sex with her when she was 14 and he was 33... how do you intend to prove it?

Her family seem happy, they seem happy. The only one with something to lose is you.

Liara · 02/12/2014 19:46

He may have waited until she was 16 to have sex. Or just travelled to any of the 26 countries in Europe where the age of consent is below 16 and done it there, I suppose.

Original poster

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:47

@thirdpoliceman

No, but they were together when she was 14 and he was 33. I can't imagine him staying celibate for 2 years before she turned 16.
He admitted they were together, but I didn't implicitly ask if they had sex during that time.
I'm worried because someone who showed an interest in a child when they were 33 obviously has issues, and I worry about whether he is interested in younger girls.
My worries are that he was 33 in a relationship with a 14 year old. This is not just illegal, but wrong too.
Why would it be more about me than him? I don't know the bloke.

What if this was one of your daughters?

OP posts:

Original poster

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:47

@Thirdpoliceman - he is very controlling, to the point where she doesn't speak to any of her friends anymore.

OP posts:

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 19:49

What proof have you?

rjay123 · 02/12/2014 19:49

AFAIK - it isn't illegal to date a 14 year old girl. To have sex with, perhaps, but to be dating, no.

Original poster

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:50

Twinklestein - whoever told you that is full of shit. The age of consent is 16.

OP posts:

Liara · 02/12/2014 19:50

Maybe they got together when she was just under 15, in which case they would only have had to wait a bit over a year.

The point is that there is no way you can prove anything and she is now old enough that if she wanted to report it to the police she could.

If you think she is in an abusive relationship then feel free to offer her whatever support she might find useful.

I very much doubt that reporting her boyfriend to the police will fall within this, though.

rjay123 · 02/12/2014 19:53

I assume he isn't/wasn't in a position of trust over her (Teacher, Doctor, Care Giver)?

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 19:54

And why is it your business because your girlfriend has a young child? I'm really confused about that correlation.

yetanotherchangename · 02/12/2014 19:55

I don't understand why the op is getting a bit of a hard time here. It is wrong for a 33 year old to have a gf/bf with a 14 yo whether or not they had sex (which would be illegal). That said, I'm not sure what you can do, op, as you have no evidence of an illegal act taking place. I also don't think you should worry too much about your gf's child at the moment. If the man works with youngsters that would certainly be relevant.

I think the nspcc has a helpline and you might get sound advice from them.
You also need to work out if you feel morally compromised being in social situations with someone like this. Unfortunately if the family really do accept the relationship, you may need to split up with your gf.

Good luck - you sound thoughtful and moral.

vanillabird · 02/12/2014 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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