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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Reporting Grooming

87 replies

theoways · 02/12/2014 19:08

Hey Mumsnetters, hope you are all well.

I have a bit of a dilemma. My new girlfriend has a twin sister, and she has a boyfriend who's quite a bit older than she is. (She's 19, he's 38). I think the age gap is a little bit unhealthy, but they are both adults so it's not really my place.

However, it came to light the other day that they have been together since she was 14, and he was 33.This does become my place, because for one, my girlfriend has a young child from a previous relationship, and for two, it's illegal anyway.

I know full well that if I report this to the police, there wouldn't be anyone to press charges as the family seem to accept it. But I've done some digging and looked through her Facebook, and there were public messages of him saying things like 'I love you baby' etc, dated before she turned 16.

I want to go to the police about him, but as my girlfriend and him get along, it will probably end our relationship. I'm not the kind of person who can just let it be because it's in the past. In my eyes, if he's done that before he'll do it again.

I'm just seeing if anyone on here has dealt with something similar? As all the people I've spoken to are sure that the police will do nothing. Which is sad really, because it's totally wrong.

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 02/12/2014 21:02

Is your girlfriend living in an unsafe environment? Do you trust her parents?

Tobyjugg · 02/12/2014 21:03

My comment that I felt you were controlling was based on what you have written in this thread. In particular the line in your original post This does become my place, because for one, my girlfriend has a young child from a previous relationship, and for two, it's illegal anyway.

But I ask again, where is your evidence of any criminal activity. You have none. You have suspicions, whether justifiable or not, but that is all.

I would remind you of the principle that someone is presumed innocent until proven guilty.

And yes, in this case I would do nothing. Whatever you may feel about the age gap, I can see no reason to suppose that the girl's parents were not fully on the case - unless there's something you have not told us.

MinceSpy · 02/12/2014 21:09

OP how old are you, your girlfriend and her child?

Tobyjugg · 02/12/2014 21:13

I've said my piece. I'm leaving this thread.

Cabrinha · 02/12/2014 21:14

Why have I just been accused of calling you controlling because you're a man?

You are very rude.

You sound controlling because you're straight in there with rifling through this woman's Facebook feed. Nowhere have you said what your girlfriend thinks. Have you discussed it with her, given that she's much closer to the situation and the history than you are?

I don't understand the drama here. Why haven't you just called 101 for advice?

ThirdPoliceman · 02/12/2014 21:29

I feel you have an unhealthy interest in someone else's relationship.

NotTheKitchenAgainPlease · 02/12/2014 21:36

I get you OP. It's at best highly suspect that a 33 year old man would socialise with a 14 year old. It does indicate an unhealthy interest in underage girls.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/12/2014 21:41

Forgive me if I don't answer your question. We have had too many people come onto our website simply to garner 'stories' about teenagers that have been groomed.

Floggingmolly · 02/12/2014 21:43

How old is your girlfriend's child? She's 19, you say...

ThePinkOcelot · 02/12/2014 21:48

Can I just ask why everyone on here was up in arms about that teacher and the 15 yr old pupil but are quite blase about this? Cant be just because he was a teacher surely!

OP, Im not sure there is anything you can do. She is a 19 year old consenting adult now.

warysara · 02/12/2014 21:53

I wasn't up in arms. But, yes, because of the teacher part. Somebody who is in charge of the well-being of a child cannot enter a relationship with that child. That is also why if you are a manager it is a good idea to not enter into a relationship with someone that works for you.

He was very naïve and stupid: He should have waited until she was 16 and left school / went to the sixth form and not a word would have been said.

zippey · 02/12/2014 22:17

OP I would just let this one go. If her family accept it, and she is happy, case closed.

Even if they were having sex when she was 14 or 15, there is probably nothing you can do. People have sex before the age of consent sometimes, just like people will drink alchahol or smoke before the age of 18. The only person who can do anything is the girlfriend. Have you spoken to her?

The teacher scenario is not the same, A teacher is in a position of trust.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 02/12/2014 23:01

The thing is this situation is now historic. We're not talking about a current situation which makes it much harder to do something about. In fact pretty much impossible without a complaint from the girl involved. Even when she was 14 there would need to be some activity on her part to get a conviction. Whether that's right or not is a different discussion.

People aren't being blasé they are being realistic. There is little to be gained here except a lot of heartache. Op I know you think the family shouldn't accept it but have you thought through why? I would suggest the most likely reason is two fold, 1 there is a real risk she will stop contact if they don't so they'd lose their daughter and 2 if that happened she'd be alone with a man they possibly do not think much of. You'd be surprised just what you'll smile through when you have to for your children. If he is as controlling as you say she is at much more risk if she loses her family.

You do what you feel right but make sure you know you would be increasing her risk of harm if the fall out leads to her isolated with a man who has proven he has questionable judgement and abusive/controlling tendencies.

GarlicGiftsAndGlitter · 02/12/2014 23:10

Sometimes, though, it's worth flagging up concerns because they might form part of a jigsaw - either now or in the future.

Waltermittythesequel · 02/12/2014 23:29

Nobody needs proof to call 101 or NSPCC.

Just throwing that out there.

Coyoacan · 03/12/2014 01:38

I would suggest the most likely reason is two fold, 1 there is a real risk she will stop contact if they don't so they'd lose their daughter and 2 if that happened she'd be alone with a man they possibly do not think much of. You'd be surprised just what you'll smile through when you have to for your children

This could very well be the case. I think older men who get involved with young teenagers like the control it gives them. But I honestly don't think there is anything you can do about this, OP.

My grandmother was 14 when she started going out with my grandfather who was 28. I didn't know them but I have the impression he was quite controlling.

forumdonkey · 03/12/2014 07:44

Sadly, IME, the fact that this is historic and a consensual relationship to date I doubt that anything can or will be done. Unless you know that GF Dsis is still being sexually exploited, eg forced into prostitution or the BF is in a position of trust and working with children there is little I suspect the police would or could do with your report.

If you want to protect your GF's Dc's education is the way to go making it age appropriate as soon as they have understanding that nobody has the right to touch them in swim suit areas and nobody is allowed to make them keep secrets (which is different to surprises that someone will be told about at a later date) or they must tell someone if someone makes them feel uncomfortable or scared with what they do or say.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 03/12/2014 08:17

How new a GF is your new GF and what age is her child?

VivaLeBeaver · 03/12/2014 08:21

I'm guessing your gf is also 19yo seeing as you say they're twins.

So you must be a similar age?

Mumsnet is an odd place for a 19yo guy to ask for advice. What does your mum think?

VivaLeBeaver · 03/12/2014 08:24

Sorry. Missed all the middle posts that said you were 23.

The thing is they're never going to admit to having sex prior to her turning 16. So police won't do anything. Your gf will dump you.

Tyzer85 · 03/12/2014 08:44

Im sorry OP but I think that youre poking your nose where it doesnt belong, you have no proof that anything illegal happened. You might think that the bloke is a wrong un but again, its not proof of anything illegal happening. Its also a bit of a leap to suggest that the bloke might be a danger to your girlfriends child. I guarantee that if you try anything, your girlfriend will dump you as a result.

Theoldhag · 03/12/2014 09:13

Op I get where you are coming from and really do not think that you deserve the flak that you are getting on here.

Really folks there are other ways of putting your views across, viva why is it odd that a 23 year old man is seeking help/views on a difficult issue? Plenty of 23 year old women come here to do just that.

I would be concerned at the relationship that is being described here.

If you really feel that you should speak out op then speak to nspcc or non emergancy police.

Have you talked to your girlfriend about your concerns?

If you do speak out then you may need to prepare yourself with the backlash that is bound to happen with regards to your relationship.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 03/12/2014 09:28

It's not that he's posting here that's wrong - not at all.

But the whole tone of his posts doesn't sit right with me - he does sound massively controlling.

There's no emotion, there's no feeling - just a coldness.

To have gone through someone's facebook back as far as 3 or 4 years to get a look at posts just isn't normal.

fairypond · 03/12/2014 09:40

My mother was 14 when she met my father, who was 37, so I understand from an insiders point of view how these things happen. In this case OP I think that you need to back off, and although I understand your concern, apart from flagging it up with the police, there is nothing much you can do.

By the way, my father was pretty controlling, but never went on to murder anyone, or groom small children, as far as I know.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/12/2014 10:30

I think most people would think that there's something inherently wrong with a man of 33 being sexually attracted to a 14 year old child.

Maybe he didn't act on it, but the fact remains he was sexually attracted to a child.

I don't think there's anything OP can do about it and no, it's not really his business but come on people! At least we can acnknowledge that most of us would feel the same or similar, no?