Reporting Grooming

[theoways]

Hey Mumsnetters, hope you are all well.

I have a bit of a dilemma. My new girlfriend has a twin sister, and she has a boyfriend who's quite a bit older than she is. (She's 19, he's 38). I think the age gap is a little bit unhealthy, but they are both adults so it's not really my place.

However, it came to light the other day that they have been together since she was 14, and he was 33.This does become my place, because for one, my girlfriend has a young child from a previous relationship, and for two, it's illegal anyway.

I know full well that if I report this to the police, there wouldn't be anyone to press charges as the family seem to accept it. But I've done some digging and looked through her Facebook, and there were public messages of him saying things like 'I love you baby' etc, dated before she turned 16.

I want to go to the police about him, but as my girlfriend and him get along, it will probably end our relationship. I'm not the kind of person who can just let it be because it's in the past. In my eyes, if he's done that before he'll do it again.

I'm just seeing if anyone on here has dealt with something similar? As all the people I've spoken to are sure that the police will do nothing. Which is sad really, because it's totally wrong.

The problem is the way the OP is coming across about it.

I'm not reading the OP as controling, just convinced that he is right!

If I were in his shoes I would make an anonymous report to the NSPCC and perhaps the police. It may come to nothing, but what if it did?, the bloke is 33, who's to say there isn't a record the family don't know about, or that something won't happen in the future?

It's easy to say its fine because everyone's happy, but isn't that often the way that abusers get away with things? not everything requires absolute proof, the family courts don't see ut that way, and neither do the majority of safe gaurding procedures.

In this case its unlikely that anything would be done, but at least it would be logged with the relevant authorities.

Nothing will come of reporting this to the police - except perhaps your girlfriend might dump you if she found it.

There is no evidence to prosecute him retrospectively for underage sex with a minor and there is no way of pre-emptively arresting or detaining him on the grounds that he because he dated a 14 year old in the past he might therefore go on to groom or abuse other young girls in the future.

That said, I totally get your concern. An emotionally healthy 33 year old man would not ordinarily be attracted to a 14 year old. I am just not sure what you can do other than attend to your life and make sure that your girlfriend and her child are safe and happy. If a problem does come to light with this man in the future then deal with it then.

OP, I'm not condoning a 33 year old dating a 14 year old, there's something very wrong with that in my opinion, not least because I don't believe it's possible to have a relationship based on equality, if one person is a child and one is an adult. But when investigating claims of underage sex the police will take into account mitigating circumstances. Firstly, you'd have to prove they had sex (they'll never admit it if they did), but the main mitigating circumstance here is that they're still together.

If this man was a predatory paedophile, he'd have ditched her as soon as she started to look and behave like an adult and moved on to another child. He hasn't done this, so it seems to be a case of a 33 year old falling in love with someone inappropriately young and having such a lack of maturity and judgement that he failed to put a stop to it. Immaturity and errors in judgement are not criminal offences.

Yes if they had sex before her 16th birthday he committed a criminal offence, no doubt about it, but all these years on, if they're still together and happy, leave it alone, he won't be prosecuted.

If you report this, nothing will happen except you'll lose your GF and her family.

As I think Twinkle said ... if they did have sex before her 16th birthday (ie when she was 14/15) and it is believed that the girl did fully consent to it, then that will be taken into account and he may not be prosecuted.

Would Sarah's Law be appropriate here? I'm not sure who can access information and I actually don't know an awful lot about the law itself but perhaps it could be used to find out if there is any 'previous' whilst informing the police of your concerns...?

I agree with you OP. Very weird, but, the girl in question is 19 now and an adult. Unless she reports him I don't think anything can be done now.

OP by all means report what you know for sure (that they were together when she was 14 - but you have no proof of sexual activity), make it clear you just want to make it official you have flagged this up should this man ever cross the path of the authorities.

I cannot see any harm in that.

I am pretty sure if I met a new partners sibling and they were in this kind of set up then I'd be more than a little concerned.

I have no issue with anything the OP has said to be fair and find it shocking that so many people think the relationship remained sexless for a few years.

I was with my BF for 2 years before we had sex when I was a teenager and whilst we didn't shag until we were 17 we did everything but have sex a long time before that.

even when she was 16, what normal 35 year old goes out with 16 year olds?

It's icky.

Why do I suspect that this a reverse? Is the OP the older man or is he looking for dirt on the boyfriend for other reasons, family dispute etc.? If he is the older man, he will sleep easier knowing chances are it can't be proven retrospectively that he had underage sex with a girl, even if her Facebook shows they were in a relationship.

Funny Queen - I thought it was a reverse or something last night too.

Wow, my weirdar is off tonight then. I didn't sense anything dodgy!