Reporting Grooming

[theoways]

Hey Mumsnetters, hope you are all well.

I have a bit of a dilemma. My new girlfriend has a twin sister, and she has a boyfriend who's quite a bit older than she is. (She's 19, he's 38). I think the age gap is a little bit unhealthy, but they are both adults so it's not really my place.

However, it came to light the other day that they have been together since she was 14, and he was 33.This does become my place, because for one, my girlfriend has a young child from a previous relationship, and for two, it's illegal anyway.

I know full well that if I report this to the police, there wouldn't be anyone to press charges as the family seem to accept it. But I've done some digging and looked through her Facebook, and there were public messages of him saying things like 'I love you baby' etc, dated before she turned 16.

I want to go to the police about him, but as my girlfriend and him get along, it will probably end our relationship. I'm not the kind of person who can just let it be because it's in the past. In my eyes, if he's done that before he'll do it again.

I'm just seeing if anyone on here has dealt with something similar? As all the people I've spoken to are sure that the police will do nothing. Which is sad really, because it's totally wrong.

Also, it's a new girlfriend, and you've been digging through her twin sister's facebook? You sound a bit controlling yourself. Is this a reverse in some weird way?

I see your difficulty, and I sympathise. Unfortunately, it looks like nobody's going to complain of statutory rape. He sounds like a horrible person and I, too, would be concerned for his niece (and other children in his orbit.) Perhaps more of this will come out when/if she eventually wakes up to his abuse ... sorry, this is a depressing reply!

As your relationship with her sister's quite new, I'm guessing your involvement is pretty much limited to discussing it with your girlfriend. One other thing you could do is ring 101 for advice. They'll probably say 'nothing we can do' but I violently dislike the attitude that we shouldn't call the cops unless we have smouldering evidence of a crime in our hands! Deciding "They won't do anything anyway" is very East Enders. Police forces vary, but some are really clued up on abuse and it would be good to talk to an expert, I think.

I don't really see what business it is of yours. It is decidedly unhealthy to have a 14 year old girlfriend when you are 33, but not illegal.

And now she is 19, so I'm not sure what you are trying to achieve?

Twinkle is right. You might not agree with it but that doesn't make her wrong.

The relationship in itself wasn't illegal, immoral and disturbing yes but not illegal unless you can prove they had sex or have evidence of grooming. The sad fact is that, even with reasonable evidence, it is unlikely the police can do much. They are together still and I'd hazard a guess she will defend him and deny any wrong doing so they won't be able to pursue it. Because she is now an adult her wishes and account of events is what will count.

Fwiw I agree, it's abhorrent behaviour.

I'm pretty sure Twinkle's right in the same way the Rochdale police were ...
All the same, she's unlikely to raise alarm herself until she realises she's being abused.

Children 12 and under are deemed incapable of consent.

Minors between the age of 13-15 while under the age of consent - so an adult having consensual sex with them would be committing an offence 'sexual activity with a child' - are considered capable of consent, thus consent is taken into consideration when assessing an offence.

For anyone who's got the wrong end of the stick I'm not saying it's not illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor, simply that if the minor has consented that will be taken into account.

We come back to the key question exactly what is it you are reporting other than you disapprove of the age gap between your g/f's sister and her boyfriend and the fact that they met before she was 16? By implication, an accusation of under age sex must surely mean that her parents were either negligent or accomplices.

Then there is the comeback from the b/f himself. He may be able to bring an action for defamation (slander?) against you.

You must do as you think best but, if I were you, I must admit I'd do nothing. There's no hard evidence.

I was 15 with a 23yo boyfriend. We waiting 9 months until I was 16 to have sex. It can happen!
And I don't think it was an unhealthy relationship... He met me working a weekend café shift, thought I was about 19, I thought he was about the same. After a date, we realised the age gap - but we'd fallen for each other that evening without it being related to our ages. It lasted 7 years and was never abusive.

I find 33 quite stomach turning, though.

You sound very controlling though, OP. I share your concerns, but wouldn't be going over old Facebook posts!
And you also sound over dramatic.
Your girlfriend is 19. Her young child is what? 3 at most? (otherwise are you also after her ex's old Facebook posts?)
That is a totally different age to 14. You have plenty of time to get to know this man.

My advice is to drop the sex angle. It won't fly. But watch for other signs of an abusive relationship and find out how to support your girlfriend's twin from a distance on that.

My comment on an action for defamation/slander assumed, of course, that the OP's fears proved groundless.

Well said Cabrinha

I question why the OP is so involved, it's not as if the twin has confided in him that she feels unhappy. I wonder if the bf makes him feel insecure in because he's so much older. (Not saying the bf is a nice person I have no time for 30something men who go after teenagers). But why is the OP tracking the twin on FB?

Weird.

@Frau - it's my business because it's not right. A grown man shouldn't be in a relationship with a 14 year old. It's not just a bit wrong, it's a criminal offence. I could just forget about it and get on with my life, but I stand up for what I believe in. If you read this article here - news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/3313501.stm it says that Ian Huntley had a sexual relationship with a 15 year old girl and the police knew about it, but didn't do anything because she didn't want to press charges. And look how that escalated. I'm not saying he will potentially go on to kill people of course, but in many cases, this is how it starts. If only someone spoke out then instead of minding their own business, maybe those 2 girls wouldn't have been murdered.

@yet - thanks. I'm sure there's nothing I can do as I've been told before, but it doesn't mean I don't want to try.

I will ask you again, what proof do you have it was a sexual relationship?

Please don't mansplain at me, it's rude.

Your tone on here is making me think you are more than a little controlling. What age are you?

@cabrinha - you dated a 23 year old when you were 15. There is a massive difference between a 33 year old grown man and a young 23 year old lad in my book. A 33 year old shouldn't go near a girl who is not even of legal age.

I sound controlling? I don't know where that comes from? Oh yeah I do, it's because I am a man isn't it? I can assure you that I'm the least controlling person around - I just have a duty to do what's right.

Go to the police then. And when they ask you for proof, what exactly are you going to show them?

@Frau - what gives you the indication that I'm controlling? Because I don't like paedophiles? And I'm 23. And proof that it's a sexual relationship? Isn't the fact that they were together for 2 years pretty much proof? It's not like a 33 year old man is going to wait.

Your tone on here is making me think you are more than a little controlling. What age are you?

No, it's not because you're a man. I'm a bloke and you sound controlling to me too. I'm also curious about how old you are but bottled it when it came to asking.

The fact they were together is not proof. And you will need proof before you go to the police. Otherwise, you'll look like a tit.

You've stalked someone else's facebook, about a relationship that is none of your business.

I am not defending underage sexual relationships, but there is nothing you can do about this. You have no proof.

Isn't the fact that they were together for 2 years pretty much proof?

No it isn't. What do you mean by "together". Presumably she was living under her parents' roof and they were responsible for her. Or do you really mean she was living with the b/f before she turned 16.

@tobyjugg I said in my previous post that I'm 23. And as I said, I'm not controlling. Why would you even assume that I am? I'm talking about reporting someone who has groomed and 99% likely had sex with a girl who was 14 years old when he was 33. What is controlling about that?

You're obviously saying you would just sit back and do nothing, and having that attitude is the reason young girls have been murdered by men with previous.

Go ahead then. Go ring 101. Tell them what you've said on here.

Do come back and tell me what the police say. I'm really interested.

And you will need proof before you go to the police. Otherwise, you'll look like a tit.

Cobblers. This isn't a soap opera. 101 is an enquiry line.

@frau. I'm not hopeful, they will probably have the same attitude some do on here.

I just hope it doesn't happen to anyone in your family, as evidently there aren't many people who would try and stand against it.

OK then ring the NSPCC. Or some of the other official agencies.

Who will ask about proof. And there isn't any.

OP, I agree that "not my business" is the reason young girls have been murdered by men with previous. Sadly, the majority of people still prefer to believe that sexual exploitation of children isn't going on all the time, repeatedly, and that men who exploit children usually do it to many.