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Relationships

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Original poster

Was I wrong to say this?

76 replies

slithytove · 15/11/2014 10:45

"I wish we could afford to send DS to more classes like swimming and dance".

Having just finished football class. No one else was around, we were in am empty carpark. I'm on maternity leave so it's me who is bringing in less money. DH has a hang up about providing for his family.

In the car on the way home, DH asked me not to mention affording things in public because it embarasses him. He also said he feels that I implied that DS is suffering for the lack of these classes.

This has annoyed and upset me as I feel like I can't say anything as I don't know what's going to embarass him. I feel like he has a very low threshold for embarrassment. I also feel like he has interpreted an innocent comment and put his own insecurities on it to mean something it doesn't, which IMO is his issue not mine.

So, is what I said wrong?

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Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 10:46

I am now embarrassed because of my spelling errors.

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TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/11/2014 10:50

Nope, he is being sensitive. Perhaps it is understandable, perhaps not but it is his; hang up. Would he feel the same if you spoke about pie in the sky things he can't afford? E.g. I wish we could helicopter the dc to school to avoid the traffic. Would he think it lighthearted or take it personally? Where is his cut off?

He needs to understand that discussing things is just that, not a dig at him. There are very few people who can afford everything they want or would like. That's normal, he needs to accept that.

Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 10:53

No...you can say what you like, where you like. Is your DH quite controlling?

antarctic · 15/11/2014 10:55

Hmm I'm on the fence here. Of course you can say what you like, but if it's something he finds upsetting (even if for irrational reasons), then he's right to tell you.

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:00

I asked him in the car if it would be wrong if I said "I wish we could afford a round the world cruise" and apparently it would. It's the use of the word afford.

But I have no idea how to guess which other things are right and wrong when to me it seems very normal. It's a shame though as his criticism has spoiled a pleasant morning.

He isn't particularly controlling no.

If he finds it upsetting - shouldn't he try and identify why and look at that rather than silencing me? It was just such an offhand remark which I forgot as soon as I'd said it. For him to mention it 20 minutes later made it feel like a big deal and made me feel crappy.

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antarctic · 15/11/2014 11:04

But he was clearly feeling crappy about it for those 20 minutes. Yes he could look at the reasons why he feels that way, but I still think that if your partner inadvertently says something that makes you feel crappy, you should be allowed to tell them what it was and how you feel.

Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 11:05

You're right it's his problem, not yours...you can't be expected to guess what's ok to say in his company. Tell him to get a grip.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 15/11/2014 11:11

I have splinters!

On the one hand I can see his point, he's doing his best (I assume anyway) to provide for you all while you are on ML and you're basically saying it's not good enough. Whilst it wouldn't upset me, I'm not a man with generations of pressure behind me making me feel like less of a man if I can't provide properly for my family.

On the other hand he does need to look at his reaction and ask himself why he reacts so strongly, particularly to things out of reach to the average family. Cruise, trip to the moon etc. why his response isn't simply 'yeah, me too'.

However, from the way you have phrased this, it doesn't appear to be just this one word? What other things is he like this about?

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:16

Am I really saying his income isn't good enough?

If we are interpreting my comment to that extent, maybe I'm saying I shouldn't be on mat leave.

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Quitelikely · 15/11/2014 11:16

Does he earn a low wage? Could he be taking it personally that he can't afford more for his family?

antarctic · 15/11/2014 11:18

I don't think it matters how your comment could / should be interpreted. The point is that you're saying he shouldn't silence you but it's ok for you to silence him.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/11/2014 11:20

Personally I'd laugh and tell him he was being a tit. I'd then make no effort at all to change my discussion topics after I'd made it clear that what we as a family can afford is not his sole responsibility and I was not going to entertain any such misogyny. But tbh I'm harsh and don't do sympathy for ridiculous behaviour.

hotblacktea · 15/11/2014 11:20

Am I really saying his income isn't good enough?

that's also how i would read it, sorry

Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 11:21

What? No she isn't...

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:21

And yes, of course he is allowed to tell me. I just wish he considered why he didn't want me to say it instead of just asking me not to. It was a surprise too because he hadn't been acting miserable for 20 minutes, things were normal.

DH is generally embarrassed in public. E.g. Won't wear joggers even for sport, can't handle kids screaming (newborn and toddler), won't go swimming, won't go to kids groups where it's mainly women, or any disagreements. This is all down to his 'embarrassment'.

Don't forget it wasnr the comment alone, it was the comment in public even though no one was there

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Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 11:22

X post....my comment was to Antarctic

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:23

Yes I suppose that is true ant. However maybe his comment would have been better said at home not in front of kids so we could discuss it? We were still enjoying a Saturday morning out which has now been curtailed.

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TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/11/2014 11:27

So he has social anxiety then? It might be a better idea to address that. Fwiw I was similar with my younger dc, it takes time and effort to change. These days I'd happily confront a tutter whilst I let a toddler scream it out in a shop doorway (actually I'd laugh but same difference).

Any chance dh would realise/recognise what the issue is?

saintsandpoets · 15/11/2014 11:30

Has he always been like this? If so, why were you attracted to that? If not, what do you think started it all off?

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:31

I'm going to work on it, social anxiety is a good way of putting it. I know he is sensitive about being the only wage earner but firstly that's not true as I have mat pay, (and still have a job!) and secondly we put ds into nursery even though I'm on mat leave, it's just a question of where we have chosen to distribute the funds.

So I thought we were past this sensitivity on finances.

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Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 11:34

So you are going to work on it?...but it's your DH who has the problem. I really think HE needs to work on it or he will only become even more insecure.

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:34

He probably has always been this way but when we used to go out it was in a clubbing environment so oiled by booze. So I wouldn't have noticed. It's more obvious now we have kids.

I'm not attracted to this trait but it wouldn't have put me off him, it's not a huge deal. Would be nice if he worked on it though.

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Dirtybadger · 15/11/2014 11:35

Hmm. Also on the fence. You should be able to say things, but if you regularly mention what you can't afford, that would get quite annoying. Especially as they're sort of luxuries. How many kids can afford to go to multiple clubs? I can see why he responded as he did. It's not how I'd respond (I'd probably say "okay, but we can't?") but the statement you gave doesn't give him anywhere to go in response, really. I read it as a moan (not about him, though, just "I wish we had more stuff", etc).

Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:36

Work on him recognising it I mean. He is changing smelly poo nappy now (thank god I'm bf ) so will move on and mention later when ds in bed.

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Original poster

slithytove · 15/11/2014 11:40

I don't regularly mention things we can't afford!

I think because it's a luxury that's why his reaction seems ott. Few people can afford it so why should we feel bad. It wasn't looking for a response, very much an offhand statement not intended to blame or make anyone feel bad.

Incidentally his immediate response was that DS doesn't have time anyway.

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