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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I wrong to say this?

76 replies

slithytove · 15/11/2014 10:45

"I wish we could afford to send DS to more classes like swimming and dance".

Having just finished football class. No one else was around, we were in am empty carpark. I'm on maternity leave so it's me who is bringing in less money. DH has a hang up about providing for his family.

In the car on the way home, DH asked me not to mention affording things in public because it embarasses him. He also said he feels that I implied that DS is suffering for the lack of these classes.

This has annoyed and upset me as I feel like I can't say anything as I don't know what's going to embarass him. I feel like he has a very low threshold for embarrassment. I also feel like he has interpreted an innocent comment and put his own insecurities on it to mean something it doesn't, which IMO is his issue not mine.

So, is what I said wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 12:52

Ds is 19 months old, I'm on maternity with 2 month old dd.

His football isn't expensive and he does nursery one afternoon a week to give him baby free time. If swimming and music etc was THAT important I just wouldn't pay for nursery. It was just an offhand ill conceived comment.

And yes, him going to classes would be way more for my benefit, I know he isn't missing out! I do loads of free stuff with him anyway. I just wish DH knew this.

OP posts:
TooMuchCantBreathe · 15/11/2014 12:53

Self, sometimes people see things a certain way but that doesn't mean it is. When something is taken the wrong way and there is no fault on the part of the speaker then it needs looking at. Making allowances for an insecurity is different from banning outright a certain, perfectly normal, word or phrase.

Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 12:56

Sounds just like my DH mary, I wonder why he is this way.

I'm maybe too far the other way - if I'm nipping out to Tesco or the chippie late at night I'll happily sling a coat over my pjs. But he has to shower, do his hair, and put on nice jeans and boots as opposed to trackies and a hat. I honestly do not get it.

None of it affects me though bar when dc embarrass him. Ds is going through a tantrummy stage and I'm trying to be quite gentle with him as I know he is struggling with new sister. DH is so mortified by it we have had to leave supermarkets and soft play eating area. I just get on with it. And DH's embarrassment in this respect makes things very very tense.

OP posts:
rookiemater · 15/11/2014 13:01

Ah ok I understand re the ages. I'd say what you have here - apologise for your offhand ill conceived comment and resolve in your own mind not to say things like that again.

You can't change his mind set. DH grew up in a poor household and is very concerned with how things look - we had to buy everything new when DS started school despite it costing a fortune and most of it being available in the well stocked school thrift shop for a quarter of the price. He'll also pay well over the odds in group meals and drinks situations as does not want to appear mean or broke.

I think you just need to make him feel appreciative and appreciated for what his family does have. Spend time doing free stuff like going to the park etc and tell him that this is more important to DS than any toddler classes - which it is.

GarlicNovember · 15/11/2014 13:04

Heck :o

I came onto your thread to say "Neither of you is wrong to wish you could afford more DC activities, but why the fuck couldn't he just say 'Yeah, me too'? He was wrong to make it all about him."

But now I've read your updates and he sounds hard going! You must be constantly on pins, trying not to upset his anxious ego :(

Up to you how to handle it, but please remember you're not his parent.

dadwood · 15/11/2014 13:05

^^ rookiemaster great post IMO

GarlicNovember · 15/11/2014 13:05

Sorry, that wasn't meant to be a grin Xmas Blush

Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 13:11

But I'm not sorry! I'm sorry he was upset but I still feel his reaction is disproportionate.

I do feel a little bit on pins but also sorry for him that me saying that caused him to feel like a pauper. I think he needs to work on that.

I think he should have just said "me too" garlic, I wouldn't even remember the conversation if he hadn't brought it up again later.

He seems happy enough now, cooking bacon I wonder if he knows how expensive bacon is

OP posts:
Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 13:12

I guess I am happy to pander to his sensitivities to an extent but I also expect him to work on them where they are irrational.

OP posts:
dadwood · 15/11/2014 13:13

rookiemaster says apologise for your offhand ill conceived comment
I don't agree with this. It wasn't an ill conceived comment IMO, it was reasonable and normal, you shouldn't have to apologise, but I agree that is best to avoid mentioning things like that in public with him.

dadwood · 15/11/2014 13:15

slithytove but I also expect him to work on them where they are irrational.

yes, he should of course, it's just gonna be a deep one, and don't expect sudden successes.

rookiemater · 15/11/2014 13:17

Dadwood - I chose those words as that is the phrasing that the OP used, but yes it's probably a little OTT.

If the debate is still rumbling on it might be more correct to say something like " I'm sorry that my comment made you feel that way." But perhaps the best thing to do is to go and do something else and just remember not to say that you can't afford things.

FWIW I have learnt through bitter experience never, ever to mention the most popular Christmas toy, along with the phrase "fools and their money are easily parted". This is how we ended up wasting spending £34.99 on a dancing Iggle Piggle, which could have been aquired for a fiver on E-bay from Boxing day onwards.

GarlicNovember · 15/11/2014 13:19

Women shouldn't have feelings that might upset their husbands?
If they have feelings that might upset their husbands, they should hide their feelings?
Women should pre-censor everything they think, say or do, in case it might upset their husbands?
If they had a thought that might upset their husbands, they should apologise for sharing it with him?

Is this Mumsnet 1952 Edition?

Tobyjugg · 15/11/2014 13:19

Some men measure status by paypacket. He seems to be one of them. The word "afford" might spark of feelings of inadequacy because he feels he not earning more/as successful as he might have been. Particularly if he has brothers/mates who are earning more than he is. Were you wrong to say it? Of course not, but be aware that this is a sensitive issue for him.

dadwood · 15/11/2014 13:21

rookiemaster - hadn't spotted that, sorry!

slithytove might find it difficult to decouple DH's self image from money when all advertising (imagine a Jag or Audi advert for good ex.) works against her. It's a fight for good though!

Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 13:26

I earn more than him.... He earns more than his friends though and his brother is unemployed and still living at home

DH is successful. Just has hang ups.

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Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 13:26

We aren't still discussing it. Now eating daim bars and watching bad education while ds naps

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 15/11/2014 13:29

I dare you to say you wish you could afford Ferrero Rocher Wink

Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 13:34

Haha that made me laugh! I'll have you know these daim bars were stupidly expensive, a fiver for a big bag from ikea!

I will try and slip in "wish we could afford" something stupid at some point Grin

OP posts:
GarlicNovember · 15/11/2014 13:36

Grin Let us know if he laughs!

scallopsrgreat · 15/11/2014 13:37

Do you think he takes this much care and self analysis before deciding what he says to you slithytove?

rookiemater · 15/11/2014 13:40

YABU for watching Bad Education and eating Daim bars ( horrible work of the devil non chocolatey, chocolates and almost as bad as Toblerones, or indeed Ferrero Rocher). Whoops wrong topic

Laquitar · 15/11/2014 13:44

I dont see anything wrong with your comment.
He sounds emotionally immature.
In your second post you asked him about the example of a cruise and he said 'yes' ! Thats immature and arrogant imo.
Phrases like 'we can not afford...', 'i wish we could afford...' are an everyday thing in most households i think. Noone has a fit.

Original poster
slithytove · 15/11/2014 13:45

Bad education just mentioned mumsnet!

And no, definitely not scallop

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 15/11/2014 14:15

Yet he expects you to do that for him. Interesting isn't it?