Was I wrong to say this?

[slithytove]

"I wish we could afford to send DS to more classes like swimming and dance".

Having just finished football class. No one else was around, we were in am empty carpark. I'm on maternity leave so it's me who is bringing in less money. DH has a hang up about providing for his family.

In the car on the way home, DH asked me not to mention affording things in public because it embarasses him. He also said he feels that I implied that DS is suffering for the lack of these classes.

This has annoyed and upset me as I feel like I can't say anything as I don't know what's going to embarass him. I feel like he has a very low threshold for embarrassment. I also feel like he has interpreted an innocent comment and put his own insecurities on it to mean something it doesn't, which IMO is his issue not mine.


So, is what I said wrong?

[SelfLoathing]

If he finds it upsetting - shouldn't he try and identify why and look at that rather than silencing me?

The "why" may not help. He's got an issue with that expression and told you how he feels. You weren't wrong to say it, but now he's told you, you should respect his views.

Imagine if you said to him "it really upsets me if you tell me my bum looks big in public, please don't say it". Would you expect him to honour your request? Or to say "you should try to identify why it upsets you"?

If it's any help, some people have "touchstone" words or phrases that will have an emotional effect ranging from feeling uncomfortable to going ballistic. The cause of this is usually very deep rooted and you rarely know why because it's typically subconscious.

For example, if a child grew up in a violent environment and once saw her father hit her mother and call her "a bitch", calling her "a bitch" during an angry row may very well provoke a serious violent reaction way beyond what would be expected- because it's a touchstone word. She may have no awareness as to why that particular word sends her over the edge.

It maybe that your husband has strong overlay/associations with being unable to afford things that are emotionally deep rooted - it could be entirely subconscious.

[sonjadog]

I agree that all the stuff he finds "embarassing" may be a sign of social anxiety. I have it in certain situations and it isn't the most logical of conditions. Look it up and see if you recognise any of the traits in him.

[TooMuchCantBreathe]

How can a direct insult be compared to a comment about kids asc? If you can't see how the two are fundamentally different self then there is something up. It is ok to ask people to examine their behaviour.

[Greta28]

I'm with your husband on this one I'm afraid.

[Greta28]

selfloathing spot on... My childhood was poor and my OH once said in public about 'wish we could afford that'. It made me so embarrassed

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I'm with your husband too, I'd be hurt if it was the other way round and my DH implied DS was missing out as I wasn't bringing enough money home.

[slithytove]

I didn't imply he was missing out...

[slithytove]

Daisy, wouldn't you be hurt regardless of where the comment was made though? Surely the 'public' thing is a red herring then and I shouldn't mention affordability anywhere.

[slithytove]

Would it be different if the genders were reversed? If I took affront because I assumed the implication is that I shouldn't be on maternity leave?

[SelfLoathing]

How can a direct insult be compared to a comment about kids asc?

Toomuchcantbreathe because it's likely he SEES it as a direct insult.

He probably hears YOU can't AFFORD this for your children.YOU are a FAILURE.

No need for the patronising "If you can't see how the two are fundamentally different self then there is something up." There's nothing up. They are very probably very similar in their emotional impact.

[dadwood]

slithytove the money-as-self-worth meme is really strong in society and some people really don't want to display any perceived weakness in public. I feel for him in this respect.
You already know the details of the family finances, he can discuss it in private.

[slithytove]

His background is not poor fwiw.

[dadwood]

slithytove that might make it worse IMO

[slithytove]

But just cos he hears that, that doesn't mean it's what I said!

And remember that 'public' meant in this instance out the house with no one else around. And it wasn't a discussion. It was an offhand statement.

Pp seem to be split about whether it was a bad comment or not.

[dadwood]

slithytove, I think it's a totally reasonable thing to say, it just accidentally hit his sensitivity!

[NancyJones]

So if the op wasn't on mat leave and said it, would that be ok?
Why should he take her discussing their joint income limitations as a personal insult? She also works and provides for their family.
Those of you saying you agree with her DH, will it be ok for her to say it once she's back at work even if they still can't afford multiple clubs? After all must families can't and people prioritise.

[slithytove]

Agreed dad

But he isn't going to suddenly get a pay rise and I'm on a planned mat leave of a year. Dd is 2 months old. He needs to realise that this issue with the finances is entirely in his mind. We aren't poor!

Ds going to nursery once a week and football classes is more than many can afford. I do tell DH this stuff btw I don't set out to make him think he can't provide for us.

[slithytove]

I was agreeing with the making it worse comment. Both of us are from well off backgrounds - parents baby boomer generation - and tbh we can't hope of replicating their financial success.

I don't see this as a failure though. I think for our age we are doing well. DH perhaps thinks differently, I'll ask him.

[dadwood]

slithytove, I don't set out to make him think he can't provide for us. He might not have even taken it that way,

I think it might just be a general trigger for him, something he will always want private. He sees it as a potential failure or point of judgement, even if you don't. A pay rise would never fix it.

A slightly different example might be; if you know a person who is over sensitive about their weight, would you not refrain from talking about anyone's weight or weight in general whilst with them in public?

[slithytove]

I probably wouldn't say I wanted to lose a couple of pounds in front of a fat person who was sensitive about it. But a normal sized person? Yes I probably would..

I'm insensitive aren't I

[dadwood]

slithytove No, you wouldn't say that if you knew it might upset them! It's knowing about the sensitivity which would make the difference.

[dadwood]

I'm insensitive aren't I - I doubt it!

It's just hard to understand other people's sensitivities when they are not present in ourselves.

[rookiemater]

I'm confused - your DS is 2 months old, were you talking about classes when he is older? If so then your finances may have improved by that point, or you may be able to source community based football sessions which aren't as expensive.

If you are talking about classes or nursery now or indeed over the next 24-36 months, then you should be aware that these are much more for the parent's rather than the childs benefit. Your DS won't remember a thing about them and with the exception of swimming classes which can usually be accessed through your local council very cheaply, there is no lasting benefit IMHO in taking part.

There's loads of practically free things for toddler DCs, we went to a sort of soft play set up in a council hall for a pound or so a week, then there was toddlers which was £2. The library in our area ran singing sessions that were lovely for under 2s and they were free, mother and toddler pool sessions were very cheap.

I realise that this isn't the point of the thread, but I just wanted you to know that your child's development won't be impaired by lack of funds to go to expensive clasess.

FWIW I'm with your DP, it sounds like you are both doing a grand job on the income that you have. What's important to your DS is having two loving parents who tend to his needs and engage with him - classes are irrelevant.

[slithytove]

He has just told me I made him feel like a pauper :( oh dear

We have more than many do. How on earth can I help him change his way of thinking.

[NoMarymary]

DH is also hypersensitive to my saying anything remotely contentious in public (even if we are I the middle of nowhere)

He says it stems from his childhood when his mother would be standing gossiping for hours on street corners and he had to stand there. Slight extremely big exaggeration I've no doubt, but his cringe/embarrassment meter is set very high.