Help me figure out this argument

[puthyjip43]

Ok- bit of background..dh and I have an 11 month old. I've just returned this week to work, yesterday was my second day.
Left work at 4pm, picked up baby, came home did washing, prepped dinner, fed and bathed baby.
Dh came home in time for a 10 min play and then i took baby for breastfeed and settle to sleep. Meanwhile dh is on sofa messing about on his phone.
Come back half hour later, dh still on phone and i say I'm going to get our dinner , can he get baby monitor and make sure camera is turned on etc and baby is ok.
I heat up dinner and he's still on sofa not got baby monitor.
I say to him 'ok i guess I'll get the monitor. I wish i had 5 minutes to sit down and rest'
He EXPLODED! Started shouting at me that i always put him down, he's been at work all day too etc etc
He then grabs keys and storms out drives off and returns an hour later, won't speak to me and goes to bed.

I slept on the sofa.
This morning he completely ignores me and goes to work without saying anything.
Wtf? What have i done here? Please help me understand??? I know he's stressed at work but geeez

Tbh I dont thnk youve done anything. I think something is bothering him.....not sure what but he is clearly beng troubled by something to blow up like that.

What was he like tonight getting in from work? What is he usually like (in terms of housework/childcare etc)? How does he usually manage stress or grumpiness?

What you are experiencing is the tantrum of a man who is being expected to pull his weight after being treated as "lord and master" for a year.

Presumably you did everything while on ML and didnt as him to do much? He got used to it and now he has to actually step up he is kicking off.

You have 2 options (well 3 but LTB is a bit previous as this stage). 1) accept that he now believes that any job within the 4 walls is yours and yes you may work but his job is harder, earns more and is more important 2) Tell him in no uncertain terms that he either pulls his weight and treats you with the respect you deserve or he is out on his ear. that includes doing 50% of the chores, childcare, baby care, cooking and shopping. If he doesnt like it then he knows where the door is.

Personally I would choose option 2 and keep option 3 on the back burner just in case.

What bogeyface said.

What time did your husband get home from work?

What your husband did was wrong, but your post seems to be looking to attribute blame. Which will reassure you and is a fair reaction, but it wount help fix the problem.

Everybody needs time to decompress after work (yourself included), switch off and slip into family life. It sounds like your husband had a bad day - but did the right thing on returning home by playing with your child first. He then took 30 minutes to unwind.

It would have been good for him to prepare the meal while you breastfeed, but mentally he couldnt - he needed to unwind.

Did you communicate with him much once he returned? If not, one of the first comments you made was passive aggressive. When perhaps he needed a, "everything ok with you?".

Thanks for your replies. I'm in Australia so it's still morning, he's not home from work yet. No contact thus far today.
Yes i did do everything while on mat leave.. And pretty much everything before I was pregnant too which i didn't mind so much as I had more time on my hands.
His response to me generally feeling overwhelmed are things like 'let's get takeaway so you don't have to cook' or 'get a cleaner for more hours' .. Both which are counterproductive as we are trying to save and i don't want to eat takeaway all the time.
He said previously he couldn't wait for me to return to work so i could understand how difficult it was. When i mentioned that looking after a baby was no walk in the park he didn't seem to believe me.
He's just being a prick

He got home at 6:15pm. He's a great dad I've no complaints in that respect. Guess im annoyed that I am rushed off my feet and he gets to chill out. I think we should get all chores out of the way as a team before either of us gets to relax and unwind

I need 20 minutes sometimes to decompress if I've had a bad day. And I completely understand why you were pissed off. But you sound a bit passive aggressive about it.

Can you sit him down and talk to him and see how it goes.

(I need to chill and veg some days before I do chores, for eg, other than real essentials like feeding the hungry hordes and I'd hate to be told by a partner that we had to get things done first before I could do this - not everyone works like)

But he shouldn't have exploded and been a prat. However, if you're newly back to work and he's been used to being treated like it's the 1950's he might need a chat and a bit of a boot up the rear.

Do you both do 50/50 in the house? Do you have equal time to do your own things?

Does he come straight home after work?

I know its not the same as sitting down, making a meal and then bathing your child, but I think in that time you got to switch from work to home life?

From what youve said, your husband finds work hard and he needs time to adjust. I'd say to him, "your happy to give him time to switch off from work, but you need him to try his best to be a great husband after that."

I get that you work hard aswell, but I think its just a give a take situation. If you can give him 30mins after work (not all the time), he can then give you some time back at a different time - or give you something you need to feel better.

Oh the poor wee man needs time to get his "home" head on does he? What about the OP?! She walks in and is expected to just get on with it!

He wanted her to go back to work so she would see just how hard he has it, except that when she does he still expects her to do the lions share at home too! Fuck. That.

He wants her bringing in money by working, wants her doing all baby care, housework and cooking and then gets a snot on when she questions why he can sit on his arse for half an hour when she cant. The guy is a selfish asshole.

Sadly OP, without some serious ultimatums on your part I dont see this improving. On the upside you are used to doing everything so if you do split up then you will be fine. He may starve to death within weeks, if the smell from his unwashed clothes doesnt kill him first.

Oh and needing time to get your head on straight after work doesnt excuse sulking which he is also doing. Saying "Sorry I was an arse earlier" and moving on is fine. Sulking like a petulant child who has been asked to tidy their room is not.

Also, I notice that his solutions to your problems dont include him doing anything. "Lets get a takeaway" rather than "I will cook tonight". "Get the cleaner in more often" rather than "I'll clean the bathroom while you feed the baby".

Very telling.

Bogeyface

I know your reaction is a common one on this forum. People have to behave perfectly at all times I get it. LTB is a new acronym Ive learnt.

I prefer RWTB. Reason with the bastard. People arent perfect all the time, but if you can put score cards away and communicate properly, both people in the relationship will see an improvement.

OP, I hope your husband apologises and I hope he can explain why he did what he did.

Or you could stop being an arse. Thats an option too!

And a word to the wise....dont criticize someone for being passive aggressive when the very next thing you do is PA towards someone else :)

But being abused constantly isnt fun anymore.

Oh boo bloody hoo.

This isnt a reasonable forum is it? I'll take my day on mumsnet as an experience. It is as bad as its made out to be
If you mean that its full of confident independent women who expect to be treated with respect, full of women who will support other women who are being treated badly and help them change things, full of women who see relationships as a 50/50 partnership in all senses, full of women who dont see their life's work as chief cook and bottle washer then yes, it is as "bad" as its made out to be.

one last thing, this whole forum distorts things massively.

Bogeyface

I didnt criticise the OP for being passive aggressive. I criticised the husband for not get the meal ready while the OP breastfeed. The OP did make a passive aggressive comment. Its ok to point that out.

PA. Personal Attack? I didnt attack you, you hijacked a thread on track. I merely replied to your negativeity in a reasoned way.

On that Im out. I hope this thread can continue on in a good manner.

PA=Passive Aggressive

HTH (Hope this helps)

Op doesn't need to 'understand her h' she needs to kick his lazy arse into touch. He's been waited on hand and foot, and op has no choice but to sort everything.

Once, your dh gets his head out if his arse, don't pander to him, make sure he does his fair share. And don't sleep on the sofa, that's where HE belongs!

puthy - at my most reasonable, I would say that he didn't like having his shortcomings shown up to him and it was guilt that made him go off half-cock, rather than apologising, facing up to his mistakes and trying to do better.

Or, you could have just acquired an Aussie manchild, aka prick, who thinks that all women should do all the work in the home, take care of the children AND go out and earn extra money if they can, while they, The Man, should relax because "they've been working all day, you know" (can you tell I have one too? Although mine does do cooking every other day, and takes turns washing up - but whinges about it and tries to get out of it at every available opportunity!) Mine also wants to give up work and let me go out to work instead, he'll stay at home all day (with our manic 2yo) because it's that much easier (hahahahahah!), except it would be for him because he'd get his mother over to look after DS2, or do school pick up for DS1, or whatever - he certainly wouldn't do it all by himself!

What's your H's mother like? Is she an all-singing, all dancing doormat?

I don't know, OP, as there is no way I would have been doing everything for my husband, even on maternity leave, let alone while we were both working, so I doubt I can give you any useful advice.

I do think though that having been used to being pampered all through your relationship, it will be very difficult to get him to change and certainly his not having even said sorry is very bad sign.

So then, Dadx, OP should just be able to flop on the sofa after work too, right? So she can 'decompress'? After all, she works the day just like her husband does. Sauce, goose, gander? In the meantime the baby screams with a wet nappy and hunger, dinner isn't going to fix itself, and the wash doesn't get done. But that's ok, because the 'working people' need to 'decompress'. Phfft!

BOTH partners should work together when they get home to get things done. THEN decompress.

OP, I will agree with the suggestion of talking to your husband. Letting him know that now that you are back to work you expect an equal division of labour, or as least as equal as possible. It is give and take in a marriage. And that takeaway and extra cleaner days are a temporary solution to the need to divvy up the chores. Avoid phrases like 'helping out' or 'help me with the baby'. That implies that it is your primary responsibility and that he only needs to 'help'. "WE need to figure out how WE are going to manage OUR household jobs".

I suggest if it continues you tend to the baby and yourself. Let your husband do his own dinner and washing….while you're 'decompressing'!

I know what it is. My partner gets infuriated if I am not clear with instructions and sort of make little digs instead. What I mean is on a sat morning I might end up tidying the entire house without asking him to do anything. Then when I'm very fed up I'll say something like "suppose I'll do the washing up then shall I?" And he'll explode. Whereas what I should have done is said his name an hour before and said "I would really appreciate it if you could do A,B,C please" as opposed to the little dig.