Help me figure out this argument

[puthyjip43]

Ok- bit of background..dh and I have an 11 month old. I've just returned this week to work, yesterday was my second day.
Left work at 4pm, picked up baby, came home did washing, prepped dinner, fed and bathed baby.
Dh came home in time for a 10 min play and then i took baby for breastfeed and settle to sleep. Meanwhile dh is on sofa messing about on his phone.
Come back half hour later, dh still on phone and i say I'm going to get our dinner , can he get baby monitor and make sure camera is turned on etc and baby is ok.
I heat up dinner and he's still on sofa not got baby monitor.
I say to him 'ok i guess I'll get the monitor. I wish i had 5 minutes to sit down and rest'
He EXPLODED! Started shouting at me that i always put him down, he's been at work all day too etc etc
He then grabs keys and storms out drives off and returns an hour later, won't speak to me and goes to bed.

I slept on the sofa.
This morning he completely ignores me and goes to work without saying anything.
Wtf? What have i done here? Please help me understand??? I know he's stressed at work but geeez

Also as you've gone from a SAHM to working you might need to redefine your role and his role in regards baby and housework / evening time. In a clear concise fashion.

Right, pencils, because he's blind and incompetent, and can't see what needs doing himself?

And I suppose he needs someone micro-managing him at work too, does he? Or does his brain suddenly snap into gear there, and allow him to function as a normal, capable human being...?

Sorry - I don't mean to give you a hard time for your partner's failings, but these 'men' who needed to be told what to do about the house all the time are simply adding to the woman's workload, and it's nothing more or less than a total cop-out on their part.

My post comes across really abrasively - sorry about that.

It's just that some men really do try to opt out wherever possible and leave the mundane shitwork for their partners, as if they somehow enjoy it, or something.

And then get mad/angry when they're pulled up on it.

I agree with Japanese that your DH needs to step up and become an equal partner. But I also agree with pencils that passive aggressive comments don't help the situation and just piss people off.

Talk to your DH. Tell him you are stunned by his reaction and you need to find out what went wrong to stop it happening again. Eg maybe if you like to get all the jobs out of the Al you

Arghh posted too soon. If you like to get the jobs out of the way so you can sit down and relax, whereas he prefers to chill out first and then do jobs, then that's ok. Maybe you could cook and he could wash up?

If he won't be reasonable when you try to discuss it calmly with him then I agree he's being a prick. Sort it out now or you will end up feeling very resentful!

Oh god, that poor man. He needed to decompress and you wanted him to get the baby monitor. How incredibly unreasonable of you. How on earth can a man be expected to get a monitor after a full day at work? Geez.

I mean all you did was work all day then pick up the baby, do the washing, prepped dinner, fed and bathed baby, breastfed, got baby to sleep, and got yours and his dinners sorted. Surely you could have got the baby monitor inbetween at some point? What on earth were you thinking?

Without having read all posts yet, if you can, check dh phone- log, fb etc messages.... Hugs

If you like to get the jobs out of the way so you can sit down and relax, whereas he prefers to chill out first and then do jobs, then that's ok. Maybe you could cook and he could wash up?

Yeah, tell the baby to not die or cry until the man has had his rest time and had adequately chilled out.

Tumble, this isn't really a workable solution if the jobs are baby or food focused! What of the OP's jobs could have 'waited'? I suppose she could just not bother feeding the baby or herself...Yeah, top idea! Genius.

OP, a "good father" takes care of half the household/childcare chores when both parents work.

My DH comes straight in from work eats his tea then does the dishes, baths the kids, puts them to bed, then looks around to see if any washing needs folding, toys putting away etc. I'm a SAHM.

A "good father" doesn't just play with kids, that's what a "good uncle" does.

I'm also wondering what was being "a good dad" that evening.

The comments about "me time" are just baffling because 1) Where was OP's me time, 2) He had had me time, 3) Getting a baby monitor does not exclude him having even more me time.

This period is a major readjustment for you both (you having just gone back to work after having a child) and I think you should tackle it head-on. Discuss with him how you both see things working.

I am afraid my marriage broke down two months after I returned to work and my ex's behaviour was exactly like you describe. I was not allowed to ask him to do 'little jobs' and I ended up doing everything which of course was never enough. Then there was the silent treatment when we couldn't see eye to eye. Oh yes, just like your h.

I think you could just sit down when you get home, have some down time, and then ask him who will cook, who will bath the baby and who will put the baby to sleep and so on.

And do tell him that the next time he storms off for something as simple as having to take a baby monitor, that he shouldn't bother return.

The same goes for the silent treatment.

He is teaching you not to mess with his valuable spare time.

He was putting you in your place OP. You = childcare and housework (and get a cleaner if you can't keep up). Him = work and maybe play with baby for a bit. This is regardless of whether you work out of the home or not.

He sees childcare and housework as the wife's responsibility.

My ex-wife and I had similar sorts of problems after our daughter was born.

What was similar was that we were both tired and we argued about whether we were each doing our fair share of the chores. We never managed to talk about this in a non-argumentative way, and the resentment was established so that, years later, my ex-wife would criticise me for "washing dishes slowly to avoid doing other housework", and I would resent her for having leisure time at the same time I was doing chores.

What I've found with my second wife is that we're both more generous about doing household chores, specifically to give the other more time to relax. It certainly helped that when we started living together she moved in with me, and so there was a period when I saw her as a guest who I did everything for.

A place to start might be to split up housework by day. He does all the housework on Saturdays, Mondays and Wednesdays. You do all the housework on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. You share the housework on Fridays.

Having days when he has to do everything will help him to understand just how much there is to do and how hard it is. Hopefully this will prompt him to appreciate the housework that you do on your days more, and to want to share the housework equally on every day.

I'd assume there was something else going on for him to act like that, as clearly throwing a tantrum, storming off and then the silent treatment is absolutely not reasonable behaviour from an adult towards their spouse for being expected to contribute fairly. I do agree that your comment was PA, but his response is way out of proportion. Why on earth did you sleep on the sofa? Did he actually blank you this morning or did you not speak to him either?

This would be a 'we need to talk' moment for me. I'd start from a point of asking what on earth is going on for him to behave in this way, and if it really is just that he thinks it's not fair for him to be expected to contribute fairly to household/childcare tasks, then he'd be in for a pretty rude awakening.

I can see where Stuckinastorm is going with phone checking as well. What was so absorbing that he was playing with it for so long? Where was he for an hour when he drove off?

What a drama queen. Tell him to grow up and do his bit.

I'm tired of reading threads about idiot men that say 'But he's a great dad.' If he treats his children's mother with contempt and doesn't do his fair share, he is by definition NOT a great dad. Even if he manages to play with his child for ten minutes before the lure of his phone becomes too strong.

Tell your dh if he wants to be a father and husband then he needs to act like one. Remind him that children require constant care outwith the normal hours of a working day.

ask him why he thinks he should get to wind down after work if you can't?

It should be a team effort. In my house if one of us is tired etc the other chips in and gets the chore done which halves the time it takes!

It's nice he is offering an extra cleaner and take aways but that's not really solving the problem of him sitting on his backside is it? Sounds to me like he wants his life to remain exactly the way it was pre child.

You say he's a great dad, don't confuse that thought with loving his child. The two things are entirely separate. Loving your child is one thing but being a great dad involves a whole host of other things, such as involving yourself in bath time, story time, nappy changing etc.

A great father should also be a great role model. And it isn't so great that he has blanked you for daring to highlight his lack of input into things.

Tell him you work too and therefore you aren't going to be a nanny, cleaner and cook when he is around otherwise you might aswell be a single mother.

So when does OP get to decompress and get her home head on then dadx? She is straight in from the demands of work to the demands of the child. Whereas poor hubby needs time to decompress. Looks like hubby is a selfish shit who didn't appreciate the work involved in looking after a baby and was happy for his wife to pick up all the chores before she had a baby and after while she was on maternity leave. I've no suggestions how you change this OP as my DH has always done his fair share as he picks up cos I drop off and I am the one who come in later, but from what I've seen of freinds etc, men this entitled don't really change so be prepared for a long battle ahead or to ltb when you have had enough. Men who resent maternity leave in any way, shape or form are usually not willing to pull their weight in other ways as that resentment comes from a basic lack of respect for women as the child bearers.

what I was saying was you can either expect someone to change or 'know' what you want or be clear. When we had our baby I was so angry everyday at how little he did without ever actually asking him to do anything, stomping about in a huff, expecting him one day to miraculously turn into super dad/ partner. Then I just sat down and explained how I felt and divided up household/daily chores and things I would like him to do re: baby and things are now wonderful. He was so surprised that I felt any of that and from then on did exactly what I needed.

I also recognise that I am a control freak and do everything myself or criticise him if he does it less than perfect. Parenthood is new to him as it is to me but we now have a perfect compromise. Didn't mean to upset anyone though.

"I also recognise that I am a control freak and do everything myself or criticise him if he does it less than perfect. Parenthood is new to him as it is to me but we now have a perfect compromise. Didn't mean to upset anyone though."

Very true pencil. It was really hard for me to remember that it was more important that DH loaded the dishwasher than that he did it my (the 'right') way! And don't get me started on the way he folded sheets! LOL

I can see what you mean pencil, however, your plan only works if the other person is basically unselfish but is somehow clueless about things that need doing. I would suggest there are a great many more people who know perfectly well what needs doing but don't want to do it. You ask nicely once, twice, three times then they still don't do it and say you are nagging.

True Phineyj. That's why you try to work things so that they are responsible for things that would bother them if they don't get done, like laundry (you can always do a load for yourself). The hard part is gritting your teeth and leaving things UNdone until they realize you aren't going to do it for them if they put it off long enough! I had a bit of a 'sticky' kitchen floor for awhile as well as a sink full of dirty dishes. DH kept saying 'gonna get around to that' about it. It was really hard to leave it, but eventually he got the message without my 'nagging'.

the wrong person slept on the sofa.

Hi, I totally agree that his reaction was ott and I cant believe he was still in a mood the next morning, also cant believe you slept on the sofa! I have only skimmed the thread so havent noticed if you have said this is a regular thing or not?

Personally if a 1 off I would just move on from it, explain you are not happy with his tantrum. Sometimes men need things spelling out to them I know mine does :) Maybe when you are both settled in the new routine things will get easier

I know it seems like men get off a lot easier, I have 5 children and went back to work part time earlier this year but have had to go back to been a sahm my house and routine went to pot. Im bit of a control freak though I like things done my way around the house, I enjoy cooking and I hate him washing up as he does such a crap job. He comes home from work and has a bath or a shower and he unwindes after tea he deals with the children while I do jobs this works fine for us.

Its important you try make a bit of time for yourself aswell though, I know its hard but I just stay up to have a bit of time before bed catching up on soaps and facebook etc. Although I actually think the extra sleep would be beneficial but I never learn

Why did you sleep on the sofa? I mean, whose idea was it?

I wonder if he's training you, op. If you step out of line he will punish you. So you GET IT GOOD AND PROPER.

As for he couldnt - he needed to unwind. I am just flabbergasted by this. There is no 'couldn't' about it. I did the entire thing for over 20 years, there was no-one else on hand, and I don't think I ever once 'unwound' when I came in the door. I did my unwinding on the way home - that is, the moment I walked out of work. Actually, my 'unwinding' usually meant planning the supper (which I often cooked still wearing my bag) which I suppose i happen to find relaxing. But essentially there simply wasn't time to 'unwind', I just got on with it. As most of us do. Job to be done, do it, don't stop to ask yourself if you want to. Mental discipline. Perhaps he could travel to and from work on public transport so he gets some downtime? (Trying to be kind here)

It's the silent treatment - ie prolonged punishment - that makes me think he is training you. Also him fiddling about waiting for you to cook supper . it doesn't take much intelligence to work out that while one is doing one job the other does the other job; not one doing both jobs while the other farts about 'adjusting' - then blows up, storms out, sulks .. for a loooong time. Grow up mate and get on with it.

He can fuck off with the tantrums. To quote you: geez.