Help me figure out this argument

[puthyjip43]

Ok- bit of background..dh and I have an 11 month old. I've just returned this week to work, yesterday was my second day.
Left work at 4pm, picked up baby, came home did washing, prepped dinner, fed and bathed baby.
Dh came home in time for a 10 min play and then i took baby for breastfeed and settle to sleep. Meanwhile dh is on sofa messing about on his phone.
Come back half hour later, dh still on phone and i say I'm going to get our dinner , can he get baby monitor and make sure camera is turned on etc and baby is ok.
I heat up dinner and he's still on sofa not got baby monitor.
I say to him 'ok i guess I'll get the monitor. I wish i had 5 minutes to sit down and rest'
He EXPLODED! Started shouting at me that i always put him down, he's been at work all day too etc etc
He then grabs keys and storms out drives off and returns an hour later, won't speak to me and goes to bed.

I slept on the sofa.
This morning he completely ignores me and goes to work without saying anything.
Wtf? What have i done here? Please help me understand??? I know he's stressed at work but geeez

Don't take him so seriously op.

Sorry to go on but my working day didn't end when I walked out of my paid job. I knew I was still working, planning the next task. Sounds like he thought he was finished when he left work. But he wasn't, was he.

Make a list of all the things which must be done. Then sort out who does what.

It may just be that his expectations are irrational - ie, he gets to unwind from work for an hour - so ask him when is the slot where you get to do that? That's quite an appropriate question for both of you, as you go through the list together.

See what happens. He may be reasonable about it all.

It may just be that his expectations are irrational - ie, he gets to unwind from work for an hour - so ask him when is the slot where you get to do that? That's quite an appropriate question for both of you, as you go through the list together.

Yes, it would be quite reasonable if, after dinner, he dealt with kitchen cleaning (not just the dishes) and ran a load of laundry and expected, really expected, you to have a cuppa and play on your phone read MN.

But that isnt an excuse for not dealing with the baby monitor. Chores can be evenly divided. Childcare is fuzzier.

Try to avoid the PA technique though. It is a bad habit to get into as a spouse, or a parent.

I think you have been doing too much for him and he has got into a pattern...and you need to talk to him about how you can't do everything now you are back at work ...and getting a cleaner in etc isn't solving the problem (after all you have to tidy up for them first!) - you want him to contribute.
I completely agree with the when do you get me time? comments.
I let my DP get into this habit - now as a SAHM with school aged children it isn't too bad - but it did (does) cause resentment...I'm working on changing him but it is really slow going...
What really drove home my DPs expectations was when I was talking about going back to work - in my field really hard to do part time, really needs to be full time. DP works early shift so finishes at about 1pm - so I said I could get them to school in the morning and then work 9.30am till 5.30/6pm. He could do school pick up at 3pm. His response - What every day? Straight after work? When would I get to do anything? They could go to afterschool club...that finishes at 6 - you could pick up on your way home....errmmm so when would I get to 'do anything' after work? Apparently he could pick them up once or twice a week -so I could go to the supermarket on the way home!!!!

(And to the load dishwasher etc comments - I think who loads it should unload it too - DP chucks things in - lots of stuff is still dirty/full of water...I dread emptying it when he's put it on cos it is harder than it needs to be - and filter clogged with crap cos he hasn't scrapped properly - wished he'd done it properly in the first place! I think it is ok if they have different standards/do it differently to you - but not if it causes you more work. For the same reason I don't agree with someone cooks and the other washes up - as DP creates lots of washing up/mess - I think one partner should cook and wash up one night and the next the other person does both too...)

So, OP, have you progressed? Just curious. :)

Thank you all for your replies.. He came home from work that day still in a shitty mood and was sulking a lot which REALLY drives me mad- he's 38 ffs
Anyway, he said we would talk to me about things only if i apologised for the way i spoke to him!! I told him in not apologising, he is the unreasonable one!!
Eventually we opened up and he told me he is willing to help and wants to help but doesn't know what to do. I told him i could write a list of things that need doing everyday and we make sure all chores get done before we settle for the night. He agreed. And then said the most ridiculous thing ' but i cant empty the dishwasher i do t know where stuff goes' what the...? I said perhaps you could work it out your a grown man.. Another argument started.. Ongoing he's a big man baby.
I know ima bit controlling i like things done my way and have little patience if someone is lazy
Will keep you posted :(

"But I dont know where anything goes!"

Figure it out Fuckwit, the plates dont go in the tin cupboard and the spoons dont go in the cleaning cupboard. You are clever enough to hold down a job, I am sure you can figure out where a fucking mug goes.

Wanker.

Him, not you.

Oh and FYI, its not "helping", its called doing his share. "Helping" implies that it is your job and he is very generously assisting you. No, it is a shared home, a shared family and therefore shared responsibility. Make it clear that he doesnt need to help, he needs to do his 50%.

Oh brother! He's simply trying to dodge doing his share & got mad because you had him sussed. Next time tell him to leave all the cupboards and drawers open before he starts until he can remember with them closed.

And a big fat YES YES to he is NOT helping out. It's his job just as much as yours. I'd say as much, too. "No, you aren't 'helping out', we are dividing chores".

Something tells me you are in for a long haul before you can get him to cooperate.

I will admit to using the 'don't know where it goes' trick. Needed shelves hanging & asked DH for help (I had no idea how to do it right) and he kept putting me off. So I walked through the living room with the power drill, nails (not screws), paint, and raw boards muttering "I guess I can figure this out". Shelves were installed (by DH) in a trice.

I will say, though, to go easy on the 'do it my way' at first. Just get him to do it in a reasonable fashion. You can work on 'improving him' after you've gotten him to do it at all! If he puts the teacups in the cupboard right side up instead of upside down or puts the baby's nappies where the nighties go, leave it. At least you aren't doing it! If you criticize, he'll stop.

Trust me, the way my DH folded towels actually gave me a headache (OK, exaggerating, but there IS only one way to fold a towel…MY WAY) but at least they were clean, folded, and put away. After awhile I showed him that you could get more in the cupboard folded 'this way, dear' (rather than 'MY way, dear').

Remember you can win the battle but lose the war.

OP you are being incredibly unreasonable. You should have said in your first post that your DP doesn't know where things are or where they go.

Its's not like he could actually open a cupboard door or a drawer and see where things go and how is it?

Oh wait second...

How the fuck does he hold down a presumably reasonable job? Does his boss give him a list of what to do and where to fine pens, ruler etc every day?

What a pathetic example of a man. Is he one of those who can't read the instructions for a washing machine or figure out how a hoover plugs in but can amazingly plug his important game/phone fun gadget into charge and operate it?

As others have pointed out take away and cleaner for more hours are not a contribution from him but someone else because you 'can't cope doing it all'.

How do you have any respect for him?

This thread is atypical of how to foster a loving relationship and cultivate a climate of cooperation and teamwork between two people adjusting to the demands of a new person entering their lives.. I feel quite sure the advice given in this thread will bring you closer together..
Relate eat your heart out...

One partner of the loving relationship appears to have adjusted to the demands of a new person entering their lives.

What's your advice Frank?

What do you mean 'doing things my way'? Do you mean doing his 50%? or do you mean doing things the way you want them done?

If the latter then, yes, go easy if he does it a bit crap. Only don't go easy if he does it a bit crap on purpose so you throw your hands in the air and say 'don't bother! I'll do it myself!'. Which would be his plan if he purposely did it crappily.

He's clearly not getting it, is he? He expects you to be the little house servant - or slave if you're not being paid for it. And anyway, you asked him to get the baby monitor (which is what this argument was about) - what's complicated about that? How can he 'not know' how to do that?

No, he was pissed off at 'the way you spoke to him' because of what you said, not how you said it. How dare you expect him to do his share of chores - he's the man, he doesn't do that stuff, it's demeaning.

Mind you, when you say this stuff to him, don't shout. Say it calmly and normally: statements. Not nice, not nasty. His 50% is fact, not 'helping'.

I like the example I read years ago: if a police car flags you down, the policeman doesn't come up to your window and shout. he (she?) says, perfectly calmly, 'driving license, sir/madam'. If s/he shouted, that would show a lack of confidence.

Anybody would think we are back in the days of hand washing the clothes, and cleaning the carpets with a beater..

My advice is to have a read of the book Babyshock, many couples have unsaid expectations about their roles once a baby comes along, some couples find these match quite well and others like the op find they are exasperated and feel unloved by a partners apparent lack of action..

Communicating expectations in a calm manner and making changes to suit the new dynamics of the household will help, but even then with a baby the best laid plans can go awry and test the people in the relationship in ways they never knew existed..

I'd think it's both partner's responsibility to foster a loving supportive relationship.

I was in a relationship where I seemed to be the only person actually doing the fostering. It simply doesn't work.
But we did come to an understanding regarding housework, so it's possible.

I always find it very telling when one partner (generally the H) calls doing his share 'helping out' 'babysitting' etc.

OP make a list of chores on a weekly gird and everyone knows what to do on each given day, if he can't empty the dishwasher, maybe he needs to spend a couple of weeks on all things kitchen related so he can familiarise himself with the environment.

I always find it a huge red flag when women qualify their very valid objections to their partners behaviour with 'but he's a great dad...' is he indeed, the man who couldn't be arsed to get up and get the baby monitor, really a great dad?

Urgh how pathetic. My ExDP once brought my DD into town in pyjamas because he 'didn't know where her clothes were'

She was 3. Her clothes where in her bedroom where they had always been. FFS.

As far as I'm concerned, you cannot babysit your own child. ExDPs mum once said 'oh is DP babysitting whislt you go out?'

Erm no, he is looking after his daughter.

Ahahaha - he "doesn't know where anything goes" - such a lame (and standard!) excuse! They work it out quick enough, usually by taxing the grey matter to remember where they got it out from when they used it

DH also claims he has no idea where towels/ bedding are, despite the fact that they've been in the linen cupboard for the 5y since we moved in here, and he has put the door back on it (stupid sliding doors) several times.

I have no patience with this shit either. Similarly, when he asks where his XYZ is, I sit where I am and say "I don't know, where did you put it down?" and other really helpful comments. How am I supposed to know where he left it? He wouldn't have the first clue where any of my stuff is, and I wouldn't ask!

And and and - I've had the "I've done the washing up for you" bollocks too - no you haven't, you've done the washing up because it was your turn to do it and it needed doing. It's not "my" washing up, it's the family's.

My 9 year old DS knows where the cutlery is, as well as the plates, and I bet he could put away the pots and pans too.
Because he actually sets the table regularly and goes to the kitchen for more than to just eat.
He has also shown interest in how to use the dishwasher and the washing machine and makes his own toast.
He'd be appalled that any man wouldn't do his fair share at home.

(Rider: DH does actually know where the vast majority of the kitchen stuff goes, as does DS1 - it's the much more rarely used stuff that he's ignorant of. And the towels/bedding for some obscure reason)