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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living overseas and not sure I want to anymore

78 replies

most · 28/09/2006 09:44

We have been living away from home for 5.5 years now. It has been difficult but I got to know some good people and started to really enjoy life here.

Unfortunately quite afew of my friends have moved away and I am suddenly faced with having to find new people to meet. I have been a SAHM for 3 years and its beginning to take its toll upon me.

I have limited options for work here (whenever that would happen) and no support from family. DH works alot which means I have trouble making time for language courses or even perhaps a yoga class. He often works in the evenings at home too.

He really wishes to stay and my heart is no longer in it. My family offerred several years ago the opportunity to manage their orchard which he turned down. I respected that even though he handled it badly, but am now wishing that it was otherwise. Would around parents and sister who has kids the same age as ours.

I have travelled alot and am starting to want a home and not a rented flat with no garden.

Changed my name. I have not asked support of MN before and feel abit

OP posts:
belgo · 28/09/2006 09:48

Have you told dh how you feel? You have my sympathies. I also live abroad, and it's taken a while to settle down. Still can't shake the feeling that everything would just be easier if I went home.

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 09:51

thanks belo.

We had a long talk two nights ago which freaked him out. He would like to ignore the situation and hope it goes away it seems.

OP posts:
alexsmum · 28/09/2006 09:52

i think if it wasme i'd be saying " i've done my stint, it's my turn now-lets go home" you have to make him realise that's it a different kettle of fish for him, he's out at work meeting people etc. if you have no support and no help with the kids then basically you are alone in a strange country with the kids and that's it.
marriage is about compromise.you've compromised-now it's his turn.

belgo · 28/09/2006 09:54

Would he consider moving back? My dh has always said that if I'm really unhappy here, then we could go back. It helps to feels like you have options. Which country are you living in? Is there an expat community?

BudaBabe · 28/09/2006 09:58

Have a look at the Living Overseas board - there is a thread about living in Germany from SSSandy you may find interesting.

Can't do links - sorry!

It is hard. I moved from Dublin to London almost 20 years ago (eek!) and have moved around a lot with DH (he's English). I never though I would want to live in Dublin again but the older I get the more I do. Unfortunately he doesn't. However - we have compromised a bit and are hoping to end up in Somerset (he was brougth up there but doesn't know anyone there anymore) although I still feel I would rather be in Ireland.

Can you do a list of pros and cons of staying out or moving back? Can you agree a timescale for a move in the future?

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 09:58

He has told me I need to keep my eye on the goal of buying land one day, but then says its so expensive and years away And here we have been given the opportunity to have land that could one day be ours.

He said he is not ready to leave here (he is dual nationality, born here and lived alot of his life here) - and that he would be Mr. Long Face and miserable like me! If we moved back his mother and sister live there too!

OP posts:
belgo · 28/09/2006 10:01

He really needs to take into account how you feel. If you're unhappy where you are, then it's not going to make any of you happy. As someone else said, marriage is about compromise, and making both of you happy, not just one of you.

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 10:03

did not want to post where I am from or live - would give it all away lol!

Have seen SSSandys thread, really feel for her.

I used to laughingly say to him that I would give him 10 years here. We had talked about buying here, glad that we have not done that, it was me that got cold feet initially and renovations and small children don´t make for a good time.

Meet very few people my nationality here. I am very social but like friendships and not 2 hours at playgroup friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 10:10

I am not sure how to talk to him about it again, because he has made it clear he wants to stay here.

I go and visit in January, so am thinking to bide my time and see how I enjoy life there before making any drastic decisions.

OP posts:
alexsmum · 28/09/2006 10:10

ok is it in europe?

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 10:11

in Europe yes lol - not England though

OP posts:
belgo · 28/09/2006 10:14

ok that narrows it down - east or west?

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 10:14

nosey parkers

It in the middle!

OP posts:
SSSandy · 28/09/2006 10:21

Hi most, well you know I understand very well how you feel. I think men define themselves so much through what they do for a living and that is why they can seem so unfeeling about these kind of problems. Dh was not perhaps prepared to define himself as someone who runs the family orchard and therefore he wouldn't contemplate it.

I would be feeling so very frustrated in your shoes if there were a home, a job to go to and dh had turned it down. Is it still an option 3 years down the track or is it no longer possible for him to run your family orchard?

Don't feel I know the answers myself but wanted you to know that I empathise with you.

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 10:26

Thanks everyone for posting You are right on the money about unfeeling attitude. The other night dh just sat across from me like some kind of business meeting!

He works in IT but is learning this trade rather than being qualified.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 28/09/2006 10:28

can he work in IT back home? (your home that is)

Original poster
most · 28/09/2006 10:47

probably once he is more certified which is years away.

OP posts:
lucy5 · 28/09/2006 11:03

It's a hard one, i often feel like this and dh as no compunction to move back to England ever. Expat-life for want of a better word is so transient, you meet people, feel settled and then they move on. I get sick of the fact that nothing is familar, that i'm never going to break into the Spanish community. I also hanker for things for dd such as libraries, play centres, theatre etc. I have no advice except keep talking and just to let you know that you are not alone.

monkey · 28/09/2006 11:15

Do you speak the lingo? If most of your friends have moved away, it suggests that for the last 5.5 years you've been living an 'ex-pat' lifestyle, ie only socialising with other ex-pats. Inevitably, they will move on. Average is aboiut 2 years I think? For permanency (is this too american, sorry) and consistancy in your life, you need to be involved in the place and community where you live, surely?

Could you not push the boat out and actually buy sooner rather than later, having your own home might help. Looks like a no win situation, so I guess you need to find the best compromise. If dh says you can't afford to buy now, but have to rent, surely that's be the same in current country or uk, so that wouldn't be solved if you did move.

I'm in Switzerland. I understand the difficulties. The 1st 4 years here I was mainly in the ex-pat thing, cos I found it miles easier tho meet UK/US mums than Swiss. We moved a couple of years ago and I avoided making any ex-pat communications. Feel a lot more settled, permanent, stable, part of the community etc etc.

If you want to cat or e-mail me I'll be happy to chat. I know it can be really hard.

lucy5 · 28/09/2006 11:18

I think it depends where you live. I speak Spanish, not fluently but can hold my own and have found breaking into the community virtually impossible.

BudaBabe · 28/09/2006 11:27

I think it can be hard to break into the community. IME expat friendships become very intense very quickly - partly I am sure because we don't have family around.

Trying to break into community where everyone has their family, childhood friends etc etc. can be v difficult.

I think it can be done in some locations but not overywhere. Had some kiwi friends who moved to UK and they struggled.

Papillon · 28/09/2006 12:23

Oh I cannot be arsed with this cloak and dagger name change routine now Never have been very good at asking people for help.

Its Paps the kiwi who lives in Switzerland

I have a mixture of English speaking and Swiss friends. But my two closest ones have in the same of 4 months both buggered or about to bugger off to Australia.

My language skills are okish, they need to be better if I want to get some work that interests me. It is very limiting as I know I could go back to NZ and get excellent work because of my contacts there.

BudaBabe, know what you mean about it expat friendships being too close, have had that.

Monkey where abouts are oyu in Switzerland?

mum2monkeys · 28/09/2006 12:27

Think the thing that makes ex pat friendships so easy is that you are all going through very similar experiences, and that does bring people closer together and it is hard for 'local' people to always understand....

But also easy to forget the pluses of living overseas - of course this does depend on where you are - After my dd was born I felt completely isolated, not having a car for the first 6mths of her life I never went further than walking distance from our apartment drove me barmy!

However went back to UK for 6wks, and whilst there was an initial feeling of wow isn't this great - everyone understands me and I understand everyone else for starters, it didn't take long to realise how much had changed whilst I'd been away, friends moved away, different lifestyles interests etc By the time I got on the plane actually felt like I was going home not leaving it..........could you go for a long holiday with your family?

Sorry not much help, just so you know you're not alone, how old are your kids? maybe when they start school it will get a bit easier to meet people?

SenoraPostrophe · 28/09/2006 12:30

I really sympathise, papillon.

It's true that to really settle you need to break out of the expat thing but as lucy says, that's really hard to do. It's also no substitute for being near your family.

I don't know what to say really - you may have seen my thread about the fact that we're moving back home in the summer. It's been brought forward due to various things, but the original decision was made because I told dh how much i wanted to go home - he didn't want to at the time. It took a lot of persuding and I would have given him an ultimatum if it had come to it.

FrankButcher · 28/09/2006 12:30

I've lived abroad all my life as a kid and a lot as an adult (and in places where there are generally about 10 expats)
Bit sick of it now.I'm happiest in Wales and want my children educated through medium of Welsh,but dh earns a lot more than he ever would here and it funds a very nice lifestyle.
Our compromise is that I spend al lholidays with him and he comes home every 6 weeks.We spend a lot of time together,more I would imagine than many families where dh and dw both work long hours./