It is often difficult to actually clarify what it is that is making us happy or unhappy. I have heard it said that if you are happy - dont do it. But - if you are unhappy - you are going to do it.
It is usually the world of businness that brings us here to add to this thread - as their collateral. The "traling-spouses". That is what we are termed. Usually the collateral is the trailing-spouse. I suppose the children fare ok, mostly.
I am English. I have been living in Switzerland for one year. Suisse Romande. I am married with a small child of 3yrs. I am a professional career woman - of 15 years - who has put my career on hold to try the "trailing-spouse" life and see how quickly I could learn the language in order to pick up work again. Another two years at least.
It has not worked. My marriage is not brilliant - I must add this fact for unity of the points - but many aren't...
I have enjoyed France - Annecy, Grenoble, Cote d'Azur and especially Provence - and thought about apple orchards, a dream for the garden - I have enjoyed trips to Italy - I am enjoying skiing now here. I have enjoyed the long Summer.
However, I am returning to England in a couple of months. I deliberated long before I decided to come - I deliberated long before deciding to return!
I have been desperately homesick. For the language. For the easy communications of everyday life - both the nuances and the blatancy of it. For the hedgerows and the natural copses. For my house and gardens. For my work. For my roots. For my child to go to nursery and be understood. And to be English. For Europe. For the warmth and humour - the diversity. For the population density. For the choices. For the historic buildings. Even for the rain and the morning dew on the canals. For the ever-forward motion of the train that I know. For the buzz. For the many restaurants. For the sound, smell and roots of my home country. For good and for bad. For better or for worse! Perhaps I should have married the land!
I think it is important to clarify what you want - and what you have got - and what you need - and so on - in order to decide whether to stay or go home. Especially to Papillon - the owner of the thread. Only the best of marriages can provide happiness if you dont have the other multifactorial elements that you need. Family and Friends also - and how important that must be when talking about Australia and New Zealand - I know. To be in contact with your spirit and soul is very imnportant.
I have lived in Cairns, Queensland, Australia. I adored it. I lived in Boston, New England, America. Interesting - I liked it. I was single. It was with my own career that I moved both times. I had no child. I spoke the language. I would have stayed, maybe, in Australia, if my roots and family had not been so far away. The spirit of Queensland was fantastic.
Have you given up your work? That you enjoyed and was an important part of your identity? Or are you glad to swap that dull secreterial work for your swimming pool and more time with the children? You will have to return to work if you leave the man and he does not follow you? Nestle. Phillip Morris. Honeywell. Coca Cola. Swiss Pharma. All the spouses there tucked up in their international "tax-better-here" little globes, mostly speaking English in meetings and canteens, flying away the week after you arrive .... and again ... and again ... while the wives/husbands live in the REAL country... rented lives.
Do you speak the language well enough to dream in it?
Are your children fully integrated - or are they going to the "English expat International school"? Are you happy with that? Do you feel that you are growing apart from them as they integrate and you do not? They are your loved ones that you deserve to feel close to. You have worked bloody hard at that job!Do you feel in a bubble within your very own environment? Do you feel no sense of ownership or direction?
Are you talking and walking with prams and happy wives of successful husbands - project- managing each other - and feeling successful that you now have more money? That you have gone up a rung? Then it is good for you. If you are walking and talking with the company Stepford wives - then it does not suit you. How many moves of several years each time are you prepared to make?
What are your future family plans? Are you going to put your children into boarding school when they say that they are sick of moving and want to make some more permanent friends? Are both you and your husband in agreement about this? How would you feel if the children went home?
Do you have a "home" or a rented habitation? Do you feel a sense of belonging and ownership? Do you feel like an alien? Maybe with little right to be there? Are you resented and seen as a "foreigner with money"? How much does money matter to you? The pool? The nanny? The "financial incentives"?
Do you like the country? Do you like the scenery? The food? The ethos? The mores? Does it all speak to your soul? Can your spirit rest here? How long since you have seen it? Is it wandering lost or with you struggling?
Have you changed? For better or worse?
I have spoken to about 100 English-speaking people whilst I have been here. Mostly in swing-parks, co-op, IKEA, barbeques, nursery.
These places are where I have made my observations - of those who are happy - and those not.
My best friend that I have made here is English. She has lived here for fifteen years. Started with a French degree. Taught English and skiing. Lived on the Cote d'Azur. Has a very good job in Lausanne in Marketing. She feels homesick - now. I say - why now? She does not know.
If you have given up good friends and close family contacts and a fulfilling job to become the "traling spouse" - you have made an incredible sacrifice. My brother lives in Inverness, my parents Yorkshire and my sister now in Basel, also Switzerland. I see them a bit less - and yes, - it has become a little different with those still in the UK. Closer with the one also in Switzerland, of course. My country and work sacrifice have been the main ones - and I want my daughter to be English.
Loneliness is always hard. To return and face a split - is hard. But if you spirit is dying ...? Should he/she not then really return with you. To where you met and started out this family life? But - the bread-winner does have to go where the work is.
"Culture Shock" has taken on a whole new meaning since I did the ex-pat "trailing spouse thing".
If you do decide to stay because you think you must support your husband/wife and they cannot return for work - remember what a hard and noble thing it is that you have done. Make that part of your self-esteem and identity.
If you must go home - do not feel guilty about it. You have a duty also to yourself and what you think is best for the children.
We only have one life and choices are one of the hardest things about it. Grief just happens.
I have had to counsel myself about all this -sorry if it then sounds a bit patronising! Just trying to help. I could have done with a good counsellor sometimes doing all this with a small child. I wont go near the beast of Hindsight! - but I have learnt a lot.
A positive can always come out of a negative - so long as we dont bury ourselves so deep that the sun cannot reach us!
Bury yourself no deeper than the bulbs that you wish to see as tender snowdrops pushing through with the next Spring!
Think it through carefully and you will make the right decision.
Good Luck.